Lindsey - Toddler Mom + the Power of Community

[00:00:01] Welcome to season two of You and Me, Kid, a podcast about starting and raising a family on your own.

[00:00:08] Where I speak with other single moms, those still considering and experts in relevant fields

[00:00:13] to give you a real sense of what the day-to-day experience of solo parenting looks and feels like.

[00:00:19] So wherever you are in the process, I hope this podcast provides some support, helpful info,

[00:00:24] and most importantly humor.

[00:00:26] Thanks so much for listening. Now let's get to it.

[00:00:29] On today's episode, I'm so excited to talk to Lindsay.

[00:00:36] Lindsay is a single mom of a toddler in the southeast.

[00:00:40] We talk a lot about the communities that we've built around our families and our kids

[00:00:45] that really help us to be supported as mothers,

[00:00:48] as well as continue to feel like ourselves after this big transition.

[00:00:52] We also get into the details of the daycare options that she considered,

[00:00:57] sickness in the first couple of years of life,

[00:01:00] and the ups and downs of international travel.

[00:01:03] I hope you enjoy my chat with Lindsay. Let's get to it.

[00:01:06] Well, thank you so much for chatting. And as I'm saying all the back and forth,

[00:01:10] one of the things I've been joking about with people about doing a podcast about single moms is

[00:01:15] the hardest thing is scheduling with single moms.

[00:01:17] Oh yeah, I know.

[00:01:18] We just all, you know, don't have a lot of free time,

[00:01:21] especially free time that involves like quiet in the background

[00:01:25] and no kids kind of climbing all over us.

[00:01:27] So thank you for your flexibility. I appreciate it.

[00:01:30] Yeah, I'm excited to talk.

[00:01:32] Lindsay, you're in Nashville. And how old is your son?

[00:01:36] He is 20 months.

[00:01:38] 20 months. Okay.

[00:01:40] And when did this whole thing kind of start for you?

[00:01:43] The idea of doing this on your own?

[00:01:46] Probably after I turned 40.

[00:01:48] I had like a major career transition.

[00:01:51] I had helped build a nonprofit with a friend.

[00:01:55] Sort of the building of that just took a lot of my time and energy of my 30s.

[00:02:02] The nonprofit was really for women.

[00:02:05] And so we had a lot of young interns and I loved like gathering them.

[00:02:10] And that just, it just was like very life-filling.

[00:02:14] So as I sort of left that to go do something else and did some healing work on myself,

[00:02:22] one of the things that I realized is that I had spent a lot of time

[00:02:27] building other people's dreams and not really like focusing on my own dreams.

[00:02:35] And they had kind of just gotten buried in there.

[00:02:38] And I remember in my 30s, I had a good friend in Austin that was a single mother by choice.

[00:02:43] She had adopted her first and then did fertility for her second.

[00:02:47] Did it through IUI.

[00:02:49] And I went to dinner with her when I was in my late 30s and she was like,

[00:02:52] you need to go to your gynecologist and get your AMH level tested and do all this stuff.

[00:02:57] She was like super intense about it.

[00:02:59] And I was like, I am not there.

[00:03:01] But it was something after sort of leaving that organization,

[00:03:06] transitioning my career and beginning to focus on myself.

[00:03:09] I was like, I really don't want to miss out on motherhood.

[00:03:12] So I sort of called her.

[00:03:15] I was like, you're going to think I'm crazy, but no, I'm like in my 40s now,

[00:03:19] but I want to figure out what my options are.

[00:03:21] So she kind of taught me through just the basics of like what would the adoption road look like

[00:03:26] versus what the fertility road would look like and where did it kind of get started?

[00:03:31] So I made an appointment like in one of the next days with a National Fertility Center

[00:03:36] just to start talking about my options there.

[00:03:39] Yeah.

[00:03:40] So that's beginning.

[00:03:41] Yeah, I tell people kind of similar things because I think the two big things I feel like folks don't

[00:03:46] totally realize are the finances involved and kind of once you're on the path,

[00:03:49] they kind of compound a little bit.

[00:03:51] So you do sometimes have to plan ahead unless you're one of those amazingly lucky folks that IUI

[00:03:56] works on the first shot, right?

[00:03:58] Totally.

[00:03:59] And then you're going to have to think about where you would adopt and that is in your finances.

[00:04:04] But the other thing people don't totally get is the process takes a while.

[00:04:08] And it's not just like, I'm a realtor, so it's not like let's decide on a Monday we're going to look for a house

[00:04:14] and on Saturday we're going to get it.

[00:04:16] It's all timed around your cycle.

[00:04:17] It's timed around the availability of the doctor.

[00:04:19] I mean, sometimes it's six weeks just to get the first appointment and then you wait another six weeks for your cycle to start for blood work.

[00:04:26] And so kind of getting the ball rolling sooner than later is one of the things I've kind of been telling folks because it just takes a long time to get all the pieces in order.

[00:04:36] In addition to that is that I think a lot of people are scared of like, how am I going to do this and sort of planning out sort of problem solving for this future life.

[00:04:48] And there's so many opportunities to stay know along the way that that was like really helpful for me to know is like, you make an appointment.

[00:04:57] Does this feel right? Do I want to keep pursuing this and they kind of lay out your options and so you pursue one option and you might hit some roadblocks and then you have to pursue another stuff.

[00:05:06] It was like there were a lot of yeses, you know, in places where I could have very easily bailed out.

[00:05:13] And I think that one of the things that was helpful for me in the process was really having a posture of it being about trying.

[00:05:21] You know, I was like, I want to pursue motherhood. I knew that it was sort of out of my hands to make it happen.

[00:05:27] You know, but I wanted to do everything I could do that I was comfortable with financially and you know emotionally.

[00:05:35] And so it was like, I just kind of kept being like, do I want to keep doing this? Like is this still feeling the right thing?

[00:05:42] And that was really helpful because I think if I had been laser locked on like I'm going to do whatever it takes to become a mother that I could have ended up in tons of debt and you know, like just a lot of disappointment too.

[00:05:56] Like I just kind of had to keep trusting the process as we say it on site where I work, trusting myself and my intuition and like what I was up for.

[00:06:05] Yeah.

[00:06:07] Hey guys, thanks so much for listening to this episode of the podcast.

[00:06:11] As you know, this season I partnered up with California Cryo Bank, the number one sperm bank in the US.

[00:06:17] California Cryo Bank ships to over 40 countries and has one of the largest and most diverse selection of donors out there.

[00:06:23] They're offering my listeners an amazing deal for season two that gives you free access to their level two subscription, which lets you check out baby and adult photos of the donors.

[00:06:34] To use this code, visit cryo bank.com or click the link in the episode description and use my promo code you me kid y o u m e k i d for a free level two subscription to their donor catalog.

[00:06:50] California Cryo Bank has helped tens of thousands create the family of their dreams and hopefully you're next. Now let's get back to it.

[00:06:57] You mentioned something that I think I hear a lot is my I had a kind of coach years ago that called it future tripping.

[00:07:07] Yeah, your 15 steps ahead making a decision that's going to look really different in step 14 than it does now like you can't go there yet.

[00:07:15] And in this process, you absolutely nailed it. Everything looks different every step of the way you have more context you have more data you've got different feelings in your heart and your body, you know, in your community and so if you really kind of have to just start and see how you feel each step of the way.

[00:07:34] And as you said it's like, it might not feel right and so then you you pivot right or or stop all together but keep saying yes until it doesn't feel right anymore and and see what happens.

[00:07:45] So what did you decide to do eventually to get pregnant What was the path you chose.

[00:07:50] You know, I ended up going the fertility path. I had had a lot of friends that have adopted both single and coupled. And I remember one day I was with a lot of my friends who are actually all married but they were talking about sort of the trauma of adoption.

[00:08:07] And they weren't talking about like the trauma their kids had experienced or like living with their kids they were just talking about like our family was one way one day.

[00:08:17] And then the next day it was totally different and it was just a really hard thing for them to reconcile, even though it was like expensive and better in a lot of ways just the quickness of the change and the magnitude of the change was just like a lot for them to process

[00:08:34] without that 10 month runway without yeah like yeah it's like you just, you know it's like you don't know if they're coming home then all of a sudden they're there.

[00:08:43] And I just remember observing the conversation and thinking I have been single I've had all this autonomy and independence my whole life.

[00:08:53] You know, I have had dogs but that's been sort of my my responsibility in a job.

[00:08:59] I was like, I'm going to need a gestation period to like really prepare myself for this. So that was one of the major contributing factors that like made me pursue fertility versus adoption because I'm like love adoption.

[00:09:14] I just knew like for my lifestyle and for where I'd been emotionally that like the preparation time would be really helpful of a fertility journey.

[00:09:24] Yeah, and so that is sort of what pushed me in that direction. So went to that National Fertility Center I did an IUI I plan to do a series of those but I had some cysts and fibroids that were causing problems with me taking the medication.

[00:09:41] And so the way that they do it at National Fertility Center is they had a basically like a waiting list for donor embryos.

[00:09:51] And so I from my first appointment I had put myself on that waiting list for the donor embryos.

[00:09:59] And so I was doing IUI as well I was on the waiting list. And then, once I kind of realized that that wasn't going to be realistic pathway for me. I was like, I'll just wait until an embryo comes up.

[00:10:12] And so I they called me like six months later which was, I think in March of 2020.

[00:10:21] And I was like, I feel really scared to do this right now, you know, I was like I just, I can't and so thankfully they let me wait a couple months.

[00:10:30] And I think I reached back out in June and I could start the process. The way that they did it was they had a selection of donor embryos that had come from that clinic, and they sort of sent me paperwork on the available embryos you know it's

[00:10:46] sort of like if you've done an IUI with a sperm donor you get sort of the same kind of information where it's like family medical history. There was a lot more information from the egg donor because I think she had donated her eggs and talked some about even sort of the reason why she wanted to donate her eggs and things like that.

[00:11:05] So used a donor embryo to get pregnant and I actually did one transfer that fall and had a chemical pregnancy. And then again I didn't know if I would like keep going after that so I really kind of took time to grieve for that chemical pregnancy that my

[00:11:25] miscarriage then decided that I wanted to try again. And so I did another transfer that spring of 2021 and got pregnant.

[00:11:37] Oh my God. Wait, I need to back up a step.

[00:11:39] Sorry, I know it was a lot.

[00:11:40] No, that wasn't a lot at all.

[00:11:43] I'm really fascinated by this donor embryo concept. I've never heard about that before. That's incredible. What an amazing option for folks. When you initially said that it made me think that maybe those were embryos that couples had made together and no longer needed to build their families, but it sounds like maybe they're both donors creating embryos together.

[00:12:06] What's your understanding of that?

[00:12:08] Well, I think that there are like millions of frozen embryos in the United States from people that have done IVF and then have embryos that are frozen that they're trying to determine if they're going to use discard or sort of what they do with them.

[00:12:28] And some of people are just paying the storage fees for those embryos. There are a lot of them out there.

[00:12:35] And so my understanding is that they're either created by a couple or a woman, or you know, like someone that is sort of creating them to use them and then they end up not using them and they're left over.

[00:12:55] And so I think National Fertility Clinic was trying to figure out like how can we funnel these to people that want or need them. And so they have that within their clinic that they offer it.

[00:13:08] I know that there are also like, I think Facebook groups where you could find embryos, some adoption agencies would have an adoption process for embryos. Yeah, it's really interesting.

[00:13:24] What a beautiful option. I had no idea. I was never given that option. My fertility clinic must not have had it or...

[00:13:30] Yeah, I don't know.

[00:13:31] I guess it never came up, but that's amazing. I love that. Okay, so you had your donor embryo, your son is 20 months.

[00:13:40] Yeah.

[00:13:41] Do you own your business or run on site?

[00:13:44] I am the late the marketing team. Yes, and have been here for about five and a half years. So it's on site is an emotional health retreat center.

[00:13:54] And so we run like therapeutic personal growth workshops and then have a longer term residential trauma treatment center called Milestones.

[00:14:02] Incredible. What an amazing job to have, especially as a mama. How did those first few months, you know, did you take maternity leave?

[00:14:13] How did you balance new mama hood with work?

[00:14:16] I took maternity leave. I did all three months. Yeah, it was definitely, it feels like such a blur. You know, when you're in it, you're like, how am I ever going to get past this?

[00:14:26] And now it's like you really do forget about sort of the survival of those days.

[00:14:32] Yeah.

[00:14:33] But I, yeah, had a great support system. I have a lot of friends that are like family and Nashville that sort of all came alongside me and sort of I had two of my closest girlfriends were in me for labor and delivery.

[00:14:51] They're the two godmothers. And so I kind of laughed. Ben is like a community baby, you know, I like pay the bills for him and take care of him. But he is like so well loved.

[00:15:02] And, you know, now that he's talking a little bit in the same words, like 60% of his vocabulary is like people's names that he loves.

[00:15:12] And so, like in the car on the way to school would be like who all loves you and he'll just list, you know, like my nanny who's like one of my best guy friends, mothers and Gaga and Papa which are my parents and then all my friends.

[00:15:29] So it's really cute.

[00:15:30] That's so sweet.

[00:15:31] Got through it with a hope from my friends for sure.

[00:15:34] Yeah. Oh man, that just gave me goosebumps a little bit because I feel the same way about my daughter.

[00:15:39] We just have this amazing community of support and and somebody was asking me if she had ever went through like a stranger danger phase and I kind of laugh like it was like, no, because in our world it's like, if all those people can't hold her and snuggle her

[00:15:54] and play with her, it would just be such a different life for us. So I think she's so used to between childcare and all of our friends spending time with us she's just used to so many different faces and starting to recognize people and build relationships with them and and

[00:16:09] I just I love it so much. It's everything and more that I ever thought it would be.

[00:16:15] Yeah, he'd been is in daycare now. He got in like right at a year and before that I had like had any at the house.

[00:16:24] Nashville like was way backlogged on getting kids especially infants into daycare and so that just was not an option he was on like seven wait list and you have to like pay, you know $150 put them on each wait list and then you never get that money back it's

[00:16:42] it's crazy. Yeah, it's absolutely crazy but so he's in now how is the first year of daycare going. The germs are real. They are real. We definitely have had I think everything like you know like the first month we both have like a respiratory

[00:16:58] infection that lasted weeks and then Mother's Day. I was visiting my sister and he had source that started appearing which I just thought was like a pacifier rash and we realize it's hand foot mouth disease.

[00:17:11] Yeah, yeah we've had COVID we've you know we've had it but it really has been so good for him and for me like just the continuity of daycare. I think it was so wonderful having a nanny and kind of having him at home so I got to interact with him some

[00:17:28] during the days during that first year, but then transitioning into daycare where he's like surrounded by kids his age. He was like a really late Walker and so just just having the other kids around that like are cheering him on

[00:17:45] and they're learning things and it's so fun now to like discover the things he knows that I haven't taught him you know, yeah.

[00:17:55] Do you work from home.

[00:17:57] I work.

[00:17:59] We have an office in Nashville and then a campus that's about an hour outside in Nashville so I kind of do a little bit of both those but and I can be home it's really flexible but I do better with people around the same.

[00:18:12] It's a good balance when I'm in my house I feel like I'm constantly like oh I should do laundry here.

[00:18:18] Exactly like I should do this thing or that thing or not focus on whatever I'm trying to procrastinate about so exactly to be out of the house as well.

[00:18:27] Okay, I'm dying to talk to you about traveling with Ben.

[00:18:30] Okay, yeah yeah you have had some pretty amazing adventures together it looks like.

[00:18:37] Just in that phase with now a 14 month old where I'm, we've flown a handful of times domestically but I'm just getting to that stage of kind of wondering when I start how we do it whether logistics.

[00:18:49] And I feel like one of the biggest things that I thought about prior to having a baby was how am I going to keep up that part of my life that's so important to me.

[00:18:57] Whether it be domestic or global travel. So tell me when did you guys kind of start kind of making those bigger trips together and how did it go.

[00:19:06] Yeah, I you know it was funny I realized sort of as my maternity leave was like closing up I was like I before I go back to work.

[00:19:15] I want to like use this time to like see some close friends and family and so I did a road trip to Birmingham which is like three hours from Nashville, and saw one of my best friends and stayed with her for a couple days and then a few days later we flew to Raleigh, North

[00:19:31] Carolina where my sister lives and I stayed with her for a couple days. And really they both kind of felt like practice runs. Yeah, you know it's like I just trying to figure out like how to do it and what you need security.

[00:19:46] And he was like seven, six or seven weeks old. You know and the thing about traveling with babies that are under two I can't speak for the ones that are over is that generally people are really nice, you know, and like when they're screaming on a long haul flight.

[00:20:05] There will be moms that will come out to you and like we've been there. It's okay, you know, and you're like the world is not all awful. So the thing that I've realized about traveling which I knew just from my own experience but then watching it with a child is that we really grow when we're out of our comfort zone.

[00:20:25] And so my family did like two week trip to Italy this summer. I swear in those two weeks, Ben grew like leaps and bounds like we left a little baby and came back a boy, and it just was so cool to hard and so cool so hard but so good to like stretch out of our comfort zone.

[00:20:49] Be more flexible on schedules like just see what they could handle kind of in that setting. I was so anxious going in, I had no idea what to expect, which I think is probably the right way to go in.

[00:21:02] I didn't have this idea that it was going to be like this purse perfect serene experience. You know, I was just kind of like we're going to try this and it could be a mess.

[00:21:12] But we're in Italy. It was great.

[00:21:14] We're in Italy. It's a mess in Italy and we're traveling with people that can help and are going to be understanding of the fact that we've got an 18 month old baby with us, you know.

[00:21:26] Yeah. When I remember my very first fight with her and and our first two flights, two or three flights she was pretty little as well so it almost like it's not it doesn't count when they're that little but they do snooze quite a bit and they're so like, you could just kind of throw them wherever

[00:21:41] and they can nap in your lap and I felt the same way. First of all, that I've never felt like more people had offered to help me through the whole process. I mean strangers through security, the security guards I felt like in every airport I've been and have been

[00:21:55] really helpful and kind. People are always offering to like hit the button on the stroller or, you know, flight attendants on my last flight were like hey do you want me to hold the baby while you get settled in the seat just little stuff like that and and I've gotten used to saying yes, you know,

[00:22:10] Yeah, it would be great. Especially now that she's over a year and like in that super wiggly stage. I remember that first flight though, just thinking through the logistics of like okay what's in the bag, what do I need to get to and I remember sitting in the chair, having

[00:22:26] the bag under the seat and realizing my like my setup was wrong. Right, because I was like, okay how do I make a bottle with a baby in my lap? Like how am I going to do this right so the second flight I kind of switched up my program a little bit I like pre poured

[00:22:42] poured water, you know I had had some tricks of the trade and you kind of get your system set up I think I switched bags to a different bag without the bag matters the bag matters.

[00:22:52] So now we've got our system a little bit more dialed. And I think now I'm the domestic we've only done flights that were like a couple hours long so the fact that you just took a baby to Italy and I'm in awe of you.

[00:23:07] And wondering kind of what you how you did that like what was the planning because people are always telling me there's a bulkhead bed thing or like yeah, how'd you guys do it.

[00:23:19] So he again then was at he was like 18 months when we left. And so I knew that like he probably wasn't going to fit in the bassinet so I got him his own seat for the if we're traveling domestically for like a two hour flight, totally going to keep them in the

[00:23:37] up and save my money until he's to but for the long haul flight for my own sanity I got it my own seat. And then I got this inflatable. It's called the flyaway bed.

[00:23:49] Oh yeah I've seen that I think they it's like actually social media. It looks yes yeah you're definitely going to get more ads and other we've talked about it, but it's basically like inflates and takes from like the back of the seat to the to the seat in front

[00:24:03] of you so and it's like just an inflatable little bed. And I would say more than getting it as a bed, I knew from traveling before that I needed something way that he couldn't throw all his toys on the floor.

[00:24:19] Oh, so it's like a play area.

[00:24:21] So it helps kind of like just give them space that feels a little more contained. Yeah.

[00:24:26] I mean, that was like a huge win because I felt like the last fight we had done before that his passing was on the floor every two minutes he was just throwing everything on the floor.

[00:24:35] And it was very crazy. So he did great he stayed contained he did not sleep on the plane over which was an overnight flight at all.

[00:24:45] So that was like a lot but a friend afterwards like one movies did you watch your flight and I like laughed I'm like that is not like I was just like hyper vigilant like how do we make keep this baby happy.

[00:24:57] And he still was like young enough that he wasn't into screens, you know or like he couldn't sit and watch right.

[00:25:05] It was like a tough age to be flying with him at. I think even now he's like enough into llama llama that I think I could keep him just like binge on on TV or whatever but

[00:25:19] I asked when you guys got there, how did the it was great because he was so tired that he just we all just got right on the schedule, because we were just exhausted.

[00:25:29] Yeah, yeah somehow it all kind of worked out. Probably don't remember it all fully clearly you know how you just kind of get through and you're like just wait to remind me. Yeah.

[00:25:40] And I had I would say the other thing was I had scheduled flights my sister does not live in town with me but we like met up in Chicago and then flew over together so she and my nieces were on the long fight with me, which was great because

[00:25:57] I felt like I could leave him with her if I needed to go to the bathroom. Yeah, even like having them be in the seats behind us he could stand up and talk like kind of babble at them and talk to him and stuff like that so yeah.

[00:26:12] How were your, how are your fellow seat mates with the whole situation.

[00:26:18] Well, it was nice because we had that family the family shield was around us. Oh yeah. Yeah, I would say generally everyone was okay, you know, yeah.

[00:26:27] What I remember about pre baby life is even as someone who loves kids right and so I always even if there was a mom who had a screaming baby it was I always I almost just always felt bad for them right I was never really annoyed.

[00:26:40] And not everybody's like that right. But I think when it's not your baby, the most it can ever be like gosh I wish I was taking a nap in this babies crying like it's never that big of a deal.

[00:26:52] But we make it such a big I make it such a big deal sometimes if Ellie's crying.

[00:26:57] I feel bad for everyone around me. Right. And I started to get really good about just not taking that on. That's great. I'm feeling 10 times more than they're feeling they don't really care.

[00:27:07] They're getting to their destination they don't have kids there you know, have a cocktail they're watching a movie with their earphones like they're fine. And so just kind of focusing more on us and not worrying about not worrying about the larger group like at a restaurant on a plane is something that I've had a harder time.

[00:27:25] Just yeah, I think it's always you're like yeah trying to like engage in discipline your child. I think that's what I always remember being a single person was like,

[00:27:36] if somebody like kid was like kicking the back of the seat and they weren't you know they just seemed oblivious or they were like doing their own thing and letting their kid sort of ruin my experience.

[00:27:46] Right, but they couldn't be bothered with it that kind of bugged me. And so I mean even now it's like I definitely go out to dinner a lot with Ben it's like, I definitely am engaging him and not expecting someone else to do it for me, you know, right and disciplining him and that kind of thing.

[00:28:02] Yeah, no I totally agree. Wow so he didn't sleep the whole way over you guys stopped in Chicago and then you use Chicago to Rome to Rome Wow that's a long yeah and then we had a couple hour drive because we are going to Tuscany to small town in Tuscany to stay.

[00:28:19] And then from then on out was it just typical like new schedule every day going with the yeah I mean like I would say we're very regimented in the states generally like he goes to the city.

[00:28:31] Generally like he goes spent at seven he wakes up about seven, you know, like we try to stick on schedule. But in Italy like people don't even eat dinner till 730 so you couldn't get a reservation like there were not restaurants open.

[00:28:42] So it his schedule was like really thrown out the window like we were he was up to like nine and 10 most nights. But he did okay like I was shocked. Yeah, like I.

[00:28:56] I think that doing that with him I felt like a ton more confident now around like pushing some limits that I wouldn't have known I could push before. Yeah, I just went to Montana for the past five days and it was kind of similar there were a lot of other kids around and so my

[00:29:12] daughter was able to stay up longer because I think that there was a lot going on whereas when it's just us, you know, yeah, there's the same old same in the house right so it's time to go to bed but she she pushed the times a little bit too and I was excited about that

[00:29:28] Oh okay maybe there's creativity here. If there are things happening and we're not gonna have a full meltdown every single time it gets to be 630 and and we're not pushing it but that's great that makes me feel great and I feel like, you know,

[00:29:44] I mean one of the things that I've learned the most about motherhood too is it's just like, even if they're having a breakdown like it's gonna end right so the flight at some point that flight will land be over yeah and you'll get there and at some point

[00:29:56] the jet lag will go away and you know, kids probably aren't going to sleep as well on vacation and that's just a given and you take it kind of day to day. But the value of the whole adventure is worth it.

[00:30:09] Yeah, I will say the piece of gear that I felt most dependent on that I would purchase again was the yo yo travel stroller.

[00:30:18] Oh, I don't know about that it's like a super lightweight like folds down and fits in the overhead compartments.

[00:30:26] Wow.

[00:30:27] Like I did so much research on gear I think that's like how I dealt with my anxiety about like what do I need to take and I bought more stuff than I need it. But that stroller was great you can carry it over your shoulder it's got like a little shoulder strap.

[00:30:39] There's got like a hook for your diaper bag.

[00:30:42] I love that.

[00:30:43] To hang on the back of it. It just was like so good, like it did good on the kind of cobblestone streets of Rome and Florence and he like would sleep in it some. So it was great.

[00:30:57] Did you take the car seat all the way to Rome or did you get one there?

[00:31:02] I did not take the car seat. The American car seats are like illegal in the EU.

[00:31:10] And so you can take yours and you're not really going to get a ticket but we have transfers for our big drives.

[00:31:18] And then so I used, I think arranged car seats to have in the transfers.

[00:31:24] That's helpful.

[00:31:26] And cabs. You don't actually have to have a car seat, which feels so weird and daunting.

[00:31:35] Yeah.

[00:31:36] For like short stints. I just had him. Yeah, in my lap. Yeah.

[00:31:42] I'm just which sounds so stressful and I agree. But I then you're like, okay, like whatever works like we got to get there.

[00:31:49] And I was there's no way I would have lugged a car seat for like this cab ride it from town to like our villa, you know, right?

[00:31:57] I'm just turning the corner of the car seat that's lighter weight for the smaller baby that can just clip into my stroller to the one that stays in the car and weighs a billion pounds.

[00:32:07] And I'm thinking through like, okay. Yeah. How do I get this from the parking lot to the bag check? Like what's my new car seat plan?

[00:32:15] Trying to think through like how do I just rent one in places because it's such a hassle to lug that.

[00:32:21] Yeah, I did. I got a backpack for the car seat that I just heard about this just one from like throw them in like from Amazon.

[00:32:28] And then I'll use for like if I'm renting a car, like I'm going to the beach in a couple weeks and so I'll take my car seat for that because we're running a car and I can just put it in there.

[00:32:37] Have you ever rented a car and gotten a car seat with the rental car? Is that a thing? I have not ever done that. I think you can do that but I've never done that before.

[00:32:44] All things that make our lives easier.

[00:32:46] I will say I've used baby quip a lot for like renting, pecking plays, toys, that kind of thing and that is great. So they rent all sorts of baby gear.

[00:32:57] The less stuff that's better in my opinion. I mean I only have two hands to get from the car to baggage claim. What was his favorite part about the trip?

[00:33:06] You know, like just the time with my family and like loved being in a new place. He loves pizza. So the food in Italy was a hit. We did like a food tour in Rome and he tried everything.

[00:33:22] He ate like a whole tier, whole cannoli. He ate some tiramisu. He ate porcetta. He ate fried squash pasta. Like he was like just in to the staff.

[00:33:34] That's impressive.

[00:33:36] Yeah, I think he just he loves people and new things and so he did great traveling and I think he's bored kind of at home with just me.

[00:33:47] Yeah. Did it take a weight off in terms of like wondering how it would go and now knowing you like you've got it?

[00:33:54] Yeah, I definitely think I feel like I want to keep doing stuff with him. You know, like I just think it's good for him and it's good for me. It is exhausting too. So I definitely came back tired.

[00:34:09] Yeah.

[00:34:10] Because it's the no childcare for two weeks and the different kind of sleep.

[00:34:14] Yes, yeah, it's just a different muscle.

[00:34:17] Yeah, I'm getting used to the it's worth it but I'm so tired when we get back.

[00:34:25] Yeah.

[00:34:26] I need a day to just nap, you know?

[00:34:29] Yeah.

[00:34:30] Shower laundry just to kind of get back in the room.

[00:34:34] I do think it's like looking at like time off now and thinking about like how do I do things that are just like rejuvenating for myself versus like things that are stretching and time with my family and stuff like that is important.

[00:34:49] And so in February I did a trip with just some friends and left Ben at home with a friend.

[00:34:56] Yeah.

[00:34:57] And I needed that. Like I needed to be able to sleep in and just be Lindsay, not mom have been in for a minute. And so I just think that prioritizing that sort of trip as a single mom is also really important.

[00:35:14] Yeah, I agree. I've also really from the beginning tried to get a nice little roster of babysitters and even though sometimes it feels like more.

[00:35:26] To get dressed and go out after your kid goes to sleep and get a sitter it's so nice.

[00:35:31] And it's so nice just to have that time and be present with friends and fill your own cup, as you said, and I have taken a few trips without my daughter and they've been amazing.

[00:35:42] I mean the first morning when you wake up and you realize you can just roll back over and go to sleep is magic.

[00:35:49] And then but you know like you can't sleep and it's right.

[00:35:53] Yeah. And then I watch her, you know, but I just look at pictures ever in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.

[00:35:58] What's next on the have you thought about next kind of trips with him?

[00:36:04] Do you guys?

[00:36:05] We're doing a quick beach trip in a couple weeks with some friends.

[00:36:09] And then I think next year we'll probably try to do Europe again at some point.

[00:36:14] I have a group of friends that are dreaming about getting over to Italy so.

[00:36:19] Yeah.

[00:36:20] Do you might go back.

[00:36:22] Before I had kids, I kind of felt like they were my friends started having kids like 10 years ago. I'm 40 almost 42.

[00:36:31] So there were there was kind of this stretch of the past like six years where I was not in the married club. I was not in the kid club.

[00:36:42] And then there's also like I'm not in a club that can just do whatever I want because I have endless amounts of money club right right.

[00:36:49] So it was a little bit isolating even though I have this amazing community. It kind of felt like wait, these groups are shifting in terms of their what they're doing and they're doing family trips together or they're only going with families they met from elementary school or things kind of shifted a little bit.

[00:37:05] And I think it's helped a little bit to have a child but my daughter so much younger than most of my kids at this point too that now we're on totally different programs.

[00:37:17] And so I'm craving the multi family total chaos kids everywhere trip like that's what I'm feeling like I want the most is just like, let's get everybody together and just roll the punches and and

[00:37:34] just a little bit more of that like getting everyone together kind of thing but it's tough with kids of different ages and different schedules and naps and no naps and bedtime what different and

[00:37:44] being like just a little bit ahead of the, the new are the thing that I've seen over the last few months is like, I'm starting to like have like, I'm be drawn more to friends that have kids around my age, you know, and so

[00:38:04] like Nashville's gotten an influx of people from New York and LA and so we've got like kind of this infusion of new people all the time in our community, and a lot of them were older having kids.

[00:38:16] And so there are like I just didn't like realizing I'm on schedule with people that have kids that are like under three. Yeah, when I can be with them it feels like a deep breath and an exhale because if I'm doing something with people and other kids are older.

[00:38:31] I'm the only one at the pool that's like, like having to like watch my kid eagle eye and you know like he can't play with them fully and so yeah I'm with you and craving it but it is cool to watch it just start to appear as you need it.

[00:38:48] So I think you'll continue to find more of it where you are.

[00:38:51] Yeah, the nap times and the bed times are the toughest part it's like my dad knows to bed at six so I you know I no longer can do the thing or go out to the dinner but um yeah I love that and I'm feeling that a little bit too that as she gets older we'll meet families that have kids our own age and and kind of find our adventure crew a little bit you know.

[00:39:15] And you guys.

[00:39:18] So Europe next year, he's in daycare right now is that five days a week.

[00:39:24] Five days a week. Yeah they're open from 730 to 530. And so it works pretty well. Yeah.

[00:39:33] That's fantastic. The childcare thing is like one of the biggest I think pieces. Yeah, so expensive just getting the working life back up and going and doing the balance I think you mentioned earlier you have some single mom by choice friends did I hear that right?

[00:39:48] I do. Yeah, yeah.

[00:39:50] I had a friend that had done it before me that kind of helped guide my path and then I it's fun and Nashville I have a group, kind of that we get together that are all single mothers by choice.

[00:40:08] One had postured and ended up adopting her foster child.

[00:40:14] Another adopted an infant, and then me that did the fertility stuff and then I had a friend that just had a baby earlier this week through fertility stuff.

[00:40:24] Oh my gosh.

[00:40:25] I have another friend that is pregnant that is due in October that single. So it's just been neat, I've been really public about my journey on social media because I'm like I just want women to know this is an option for them.

[00:40:38] And then like want people to find each other because it really is a little bit of a different journey and there's learnings in it so I'm so glad you're doing this podcast.

[00:40:48] Yeah, it's been really fun and I feel the same way I think even with fertility the more I started talking about just, you know, going through all the steps of that right more people that I already knew became more open about what they've gone through which they hadn't talked about with me before.

[00:41:03] And now I'm sure you do, you know, calls and emails with folks who are thinking about this who don't know where to start and are reaching out and so I am feeling like this community.

[00:41:14] Maybe I'm just new to it but I feel like I'm having more and more of these chats and I'm hearing more and more from people like oh I know someone that's doing that or I have a friend that was thinking about it and so it makes me feel great that it doesn't feel like, you know, something that you can't do,

[00:41:30] or that you're giving up on marriage or partnership or something because you're choosing this path because I think a lot of women feel that way, for sure.

[00:41:38] Totally.

[00:41:39] Have you dated at all since then?

[00:41:42] No.

[00:41:43] Or is that even something that's on your radar at all?

[00:41:45] I mean I would love to meet a man and you know like find the right person in quotation marks whatever that means.

[00:41:53] But I just, I was never good like online dater before.

[00:41:59] I've never been good at having jobs that put me sort of working with a lot of men.

[00:42:04] So I just kind of sucked at dating, honestly and haven't been good at doing the work of dating but I feel like my friends that are successful in it really invest time and energy into it and I have other things that I've invested time and energy into.

[00:42:20] And right now life feels so full that I don't have the extra time or energy to invest.

[00:42:27] But good for you, I would love to meet somebody that didn't get me anything so good for you for not you save that energy on good things.

[00:42:35] I don't know.

[00:42:36] I feel the same way you know I have had a handful of people who I meet and it's usually kind of friends of friends are at dinner parties who assume that I don't want to partner.

[00:42:45] Like they make those statements right like oh that's so cool that you like you know didn't want to get married and so you did this on your own.

[00:42:50] And they're two totally different decisions and it's interesting to me that that assumption is made when in fact that's not true at all I would be real to find a partner but I know it's icing on the cake now not a means to an end.

[00:43:04] Yeah, and I do think there are like things that are really hard being the only parent, you know the only set of hands the only.

[00:43:12] There also is there's an ease to being the sole decision maker in some ways around parenting.

[00:43:19] Yeah, and so I think that is a trade off that a lot of times people don't talk about that kind of.

[00:43:26] So I just know that all the time watching friends navigate like sleep training together and I'm like, oh, Ben and I just got on a schedule together.

[00:43:35] We had to.

[00:43:36] So it just is funny, but that was one of the biggest surprises I think for me was not really feeling in the first year like I wish there was another person there.

[00:43:46] Like I kind of expected to kind of have those moments where God I was I know I wish someone was in this with me or I wish I had a partner and I didn't really feel that way in fact, it was more of what you just said which is realizing those moments where you could have gotten resentful or frustrated with one

[00:44:01] person because it's 2am or making a decision and it's another relationship eating or bottles or formula or whatever right where one person's read one book and the other person's read the other book and you just kind of do whatever you want whenever you want because it's just the two of you.

[00:44:15] And there is an ease to that I have really felt that for sure.

[00:44:20] I love that for you guys and I am so grateful for your time.

[00:44:24] And I would love to just keep hearing about Ben you're right in front of me so it's like I'm going to watch you on Instagram and kind of watch and be inspired by you a little bit in the process.

[00:44:36] I love that.

[00:44:37] Thank you so much Lindsay.

[00:44:38] I'm so grateful.

[00:44:40] Thanks so much for listening to today's episode.

[00:44:43] I hope you enjoyed it.

[00:44:44] For more information about the podcast or me go to unbkidpod.com.

[00:44:49] See you soon.

[00:45:18] Click the link in the episode description for an exclusive offer.