Lauren Hauser - Aspiring Single Mom

[00:00:00] Season 3 of You and Me, Kid is brought to you by Seattle Sperm Bank. If you're planning to become a single parent by choice, you know this journey can be both exciting and daunting. That's where Seattle Sperm Bank comes in. They've got an amazing selection of donors and a super supportive team ready to help you find the right match. They were so warm, helpful, and kind to me as I picked my donor, I cannot recommend them enough. From the screening process to all the resources they offer, I really felt like I had an expert partner through the whole process.

[00:00:27] For my listeners who want to check them out, head to seattlespermbank.com and grab a free all-access pass using the code YOUANDMEKID to start your search today. Welcome to Season 3 of You and Me, Kid, a podcast about starting and raising a family on your own.

[00:00:47] Where I speak with other single moms, those still considering, and experts in relevant fields to give you a real sense of what the day-to-day experience of solo parenting looks and feels like. So wherever you are in the process, I hope this podcast provides some support, helpful info, and most importantly, humor. Thanks so much for listening. Now let's get to it. Okay, Lauren, I'm so excited to finally chat with you.

[00:01:17] I feel like we've been going back and forth now for what, six months or something trying to have this conversation. Yeah. And it was so exciting to surprise meet you at a baby shower a few months ago. But we, of course, at the baby shower didn't even get to catch up on all the things. So I'm so excited to actually have this kind of focused time to talk to you about your single momming journey experience thoughts. So yeah, just thanks for being here. I'm glad to be here. Thanks for having me.

[00:01:46] Yeah. So tell me a little bit about when the idea of trying to do this on your own started for you. Yeah, definitely. It's interesting. I was looking back. I'm a huge, I'm a note taker. I like to go deep on things and explore. And I was looking back at all of my Google Docs. I have this folder that says fertility knowledge is power. I was looking back at that right before I call.

[00:02:14] And in 2021, actually, that's when I first started exploring things. So it's kind of wild because I like, wow, that was already four years ago when the seeds were starting to plant for me. And at that time, I was out of a long term relationship and started to look at, hey, should I freeze my eggs? I'm 36, starting to, what is this whole world of doing that?

[00:02:43] And then I also wanted to really give myself time and space to allow for partnerships to move forward. So I was like, okay, I'll freeze my eggs now. I'll explore it, continue to go on this dating journey, but it'll give me a little more security in a way for future motherhood because it was something I always really wanted. And so, yeah, I went through that journey of freezing my eggs and it took actually about a year before I actually even did it. I just needed to get my financial house in order, things like that.

[00:03:12] And then after I did that process, I was, I actually had met someone and was in a relationship for about a year. But the, the big challenge in that relationship was this piece around motherhood and he just, it was hard for him to get really clear on wanting to have a family. He was younger than me. And it was really challenging because it was this like deep hearted relationship that I was so excited about. And yet we weren't aligned on this really big factor.

[00:03:41] And that was really heartbreaking because at that time I, I was 39 and the writing was definitely on the wall and made like one of the most difficult choices of my life to, to step out of that relationship, which at the time was deeply heartbreaking. And one of the most empowering things I think I've done for my desires, right? There was like the deep calling of motherhood was still really strong.

[00:04:07] And I was like, all right, I'm going to listen to that part of myself, even though it meant like letting go of something I really wanted. And for me, partnership has been always like, I want it. But it's been like on, it's been huge in my life. My parents have been married for 50 years and I was surrounded by long-term relationships. Like no one even got divorced really in my friend group or my family friend group. And so I always just assumed it would be that way.

[00:04:35] And then a year ago, 39, I'm sitting there. I'm like, oh my God, I don't know. I don't know if that's actually going to be my order. And it was really, oh man, it was tough. And I gave like a few more swings at bat. Like this past year, I was like, all right, let me get out there. Let me just give it a few more tries. And at the parallel, and I was paralleling this whole piece of like becoming a choice mom.

[00:05:00] It was like that became a huge priority in going through the emotional process of getting clear and then taking steps forward. So it was just this wild experience. And then I went on dates with a number of men this summer. And each one, there was all these kinds of, I don't know, like stopping points that just kept coming up. And I kind of had this moment this fall where I was like, all right, we just need to move forward and have this baby.

[00:05:30] And keep the desire now for partnership fully there. It's like in my heart. It's full. It's real. And also the time I'm about to be 41 is really real. So, yeah. I love that you mentioned all that because I touch a lot in my conversations around. I think there's this mental state that a lot of folks go through of, okay, I'm choosing this path in place of partnership. Yes.

[00:05:56] And whether that's something you feel in your heart or it's something that kind of society puts on you, it's there. And what I have learned in this process and at my age of 43 too is I know people who are single moms and don't want partners. I know a lot of people who are single moms and absolutely want partners. There's a category of people who got pregnant and met people while they were pregnant. Started the IVF, egg freezing process, met people during that process. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

[00:06:25] And then there are folks who have continued actively dating through all steps of this process. And so the way that you've said it, which is it's not in place of, it's not this or this. You can do both in parallel. I went through a phase definitely where I was on dating apps, but I was nearing the corner of four months pregnant. And I was like, okay, this is going to maybe be an awkward thing that comes up on the first date. And so I hit pause for a little bit just so as not to have someone be like, are you pregnant on our first date?

[00:06:54] But I do so deeply believe that all of the things can be moving forward at once to whatever level is comfortable for somebody. One doesn't need to stop and wait for the other. They really can move in whatever order and in whatever parallel I think everyone's comfortable with. Yeah, absolutely.

[00:07:14] And it's almost like, it's a bit interesting because all of a sudden you have a different set of constraints and the kinds of people you might date in this phase of I'm actually trying to get pregnant or I'm wanting kids. Their desires are the kinds of people you're going to interact with are going to look probably a lot different, right? People who either maybe men who didn't want to have kids but love the idea of, yeah, you having a kid and I can have a relationship, but it's not my primary responsibility.

[00:07:42] I'm sure there's plenty of people out there like that or somebody who's already had kids and really open to that idea. I think it changes it, but at the same time, it opens up possibilities for new kinds of relationships too. I totally agree. I have three very close friends who met people either right before they did their transfers or after. Those people are not the biological father of their child but have all stuck around.

[00:08:10] And for all intents and purposes, all three relationships are well on their way to lifelong success. And it is very cool to see those guys step into that role in a way I don't think any of those women thought would happen when they were pursuing this as a single parent. I do have to say because I think it's important for our call. Not only are you in the organizational development leadership space, but you're also a dating coach on the side.

[00:08:37] So you have a lot of kind of input and thoughts and insight into the relationship part of this, right? Yeah. Yeah. For me, it's like talking about relationships is fully in alignment with who I am as a human in terms of all the kinds of relationships, right? It's like relationships that we have with our friends or families, but also potential romantic relationships.

[00:09:02] And I love, love, love helping and supporting people as they think about bringing love into their lives and what romantic relationships can look like. And I think part of the reason, honestly, Sarah, why I'm so curious about becoming a mom, and I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And again, like I'm in a, I'm not pregnant yet, right? I'm like fully in the process, but I want to know what the relationship is, right? This is a relationship that is completely unique.

[00:09:32] And I want to understand what that is like, because I just don't think you can understand it until you have it. And being a parent and having that relating dynamic with a child, it's just something I so deeply desire as somebody who deeply loves relating. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. I don't even know where to start with the depths of that relationship.

[00:09:59] But before we talk a little bit about that, where in the stage are you? Which path did you choose at this point, at least, to start pursuing parenthood? Yeah. I'm laughing because I then started another doc in the summer. That was like, all right, staying clear on my North Star, being a mom and doing it on my own. So I had a really powerful process, I would say, of getting clear on this choice for myself.

[00:10:28] And again, who knows, it might change in a few months. All things do. But I took part in this single moms by choice kind of group over the summer. And that was really helpful in me getting clear on it. And I talked to my family. I talked to all my close friends. Just really saying, hey, this is what I'm really wanting to commit to. And it feels important to me to have my support system around me in that process.

[00:10:55] And then I also spent some time just really, again, like doing some of my fertility testing with my fertility clinic, just checking genetic tests and blood work and all that, which was really helpful just to feel confident in where I was at because I'm older. And then I ended up in September, I was looking at sperm donors on a bunch of sperm banks. I actually got inspired by your podcast. I checked out Seattle, Seattle Sperm Bank, right?

[00:11:24] Yeah, that's when you, yeah, that's when you went with. I had great conversations with them, by the way, they were so helpful. And I had this little party with my couple of my best girlfriends. And we put like a flip chart paper up and had all my desires. And we went through all these profiles and we selected five donors. And in that process, it was, I sat with this question of what is the experience for my child? That just kept coming up.

[00:11:49] It was like, okay, my experience, but then what is their experience going to be like? And again, you can't predict all of these things and every path is going to look really different. And I think I'm definitely falling back on the confidence that like, whatever it is, it's gonna, I'll work it out as it happens. Like everything is figureoutable. But I, there was just something on the sperm donors that I couldn't, I kept wanting to know them.

[00:12:18] This comes back to my relational part of me. That's, I just want to know them. Who are they? Like more than what was provided. And they give you amazing amount of information. I loved listening to the audios. That was, that was my favorite part. That was really helpful for me. But then I ended up making a list of a couple people in my life who I was like, oh, if I had a known donor, some of these people I'd really could imagine that working really well. And I ended up talking to a few of them and they were,

[00:12:48] a friend of mine was just like so powerful in the process of just getting comfortable with talking to people about this, especially with potential known donors. Cause I was all nervous about it. I was like, how do I talk about this? And, and I had this friend who was just so generous with his, I don't know, just like going there with me and talking it through and helping me ask the right questions. It didn't end up working out with him, but I then ended up asking another friend of mine

[00:13:15] and he came back and was basically like, I'd really love to help you. And it feels aligned for me. I'm not looking to have kids. And this is a friend I've known for 10 years and he lives abroad. And so our lives are definitely in little different places, but he's somebody I really trust and really value a lot.

[00:13:37] And, and so after he shared that in October was when I found a midwife that could do at-home IUIs. So these are all things I learned in the process as well. Obviously purchasing sperm is definitely a lot of money and known donors is not, but I ended up talking to, I had a naturopath who recommended this midwife who does at-home IUIs.

[00:14:03] And for that option, it's much more cost-effective and it allowed me to make the choice of doing something at home. Because for me, it felt really important to feel like there was some semblance of an, I don't know what you would call it. If you were having sex with your partner, you'd be doing that at home. Yeah.

[00:14:25] And there was just this like deep desire to at least try that for a little bit and granted at my age, I will definitely, and I'm very open to pursuing other options. Like it's not a no to that, but I was like, I just want to do this at home and feel a little bit more spiritually connected and feel in the comfort of my own home. And we connected with her. And then in November, we did our first at-home insemination and he came over and did his donation.

[00:14:54] And then I was going to ask, so he flew from wherever he lives to the States. Yes. To the gay area. Okay. Got it. So yeah. Yeah. He was in town for two months and we, yeah, he came over, did that. That we did the, it's not like a turkey baster. Everyone says that, but that's, it's like a little syringy thing. Yeah. And, and we had a really good laugh. It's like, what kind of music do you want?

[00:15:22] And we've had this moment and I was tracking my fertility on an ETO, which my midwife recommended. And it tracks all your hormones and can be really, I've loved using it by the way. It's been such a game changer for me. And I also love it because I feel more empowered with understanding my cycles and my energy and when exactly my ovulation window is and all of that. So anyway, he, yeah, he came over and then we did one round of just me doing the syringe.

[00:15:52] And then two days later in my peak ovulation window, my, my midwife came over and she set up like a full on like science experiment in my room where we, she like, I forget the name of the thing, but it like spins the sperm around and takes out particulate matter. And then both my friend and I like literally looked at his sample under a microscope. She was like, do you want to look at it? And we're like, yeah, sure. Oh my gosh.

[00:16:21] This is some next level in-home service. It was so funny. And then my favorite part, I think it's okay to share this, but she was like looking in the microscope. She turns around and she's wow. Good swimmers. Lots of them. Good. That's all you want. Yeah. Yeah. My friend was like, do you say this to all the guys? It just felt it. So anyway, but yeah, we tried it that and it didn't take. So that was a bummer.

[00:16:48] And then we did it in December again and it didn't take. So I'm basically two months in and then January, it's a whole other story. We had a whole thing happen with trying to freeze sperm and it didn't work. And so I wasn't able to do it. So anyway, I'm very at the beginning of this, the phases with this, but it feels once I hit that moment of actually now trying. It just something completely shifted. I was just going to say, I don't think you're at the beginning at all.

[00:17:17] You're well past the thinking stage. You're well into the taking action stage. Yeah. And I'm actually really curious when you say that something shifted, because I know that same thing happened to me. Like once you really start trying, the energy shifted for me completely. How did that feel for you? Oh, completely agree. Is it like game on? For sure. Yeah.

[00:17:40] It was all of a sudden there's this part of me, the desire for motherhood became even more cemented. And there has been like a lot of challenging moments in the last month for me. And, but what's remained like fully clear is that I'm like fully in this path. And I'm like, I don't care how it's happening. Let's do this. Yeah.

[00:18:08] You know, what's interesting too is a lot of people have that experience. I do know people that have not had that experience too. And I always tell folks that it's like, you can stop or pause or completely bail at any point in this process. But to just take it step by step and pay attention to, oh, is this still feeling important? Is this still feeling right? Is this still feeling important? Is this still feeling right? Every blood test, every next decision that you have to make.

[00:18:33] And what I do hear a lot from folks is what you have said, which is once you start trying, you realize, especially if you have a couple tries that don't work, right? How serious this becomes for you and how much you want it. And a little bit of that heartbreak sometimes is good, I think, for the motivating factor of, okay, let's do this. Like I'm in, I'm open to broader options that maybe than I was open to maybe two months ago.

[00:19:02] And it completely changes the momentum once you get going. Oh, a thousand percent. Yeah. And it was even like bringing out this part of me. We had this whole issue with this sperm freezing company and it didn't work. And I'm one of those people, and I joke around about this, when flights get delayed, I'm like, oh, cool. I'll just keep reading my book. I'm not the person that's give me a discount at the counter and screaming at people.

[00:19:31] I'm like, all right, cool. I'm just going to keep reading my book or I'll call a friend. I'm just in the flow in that way. But it was interesting with this last month where all of a sudden my, it was like, I felt so focused on my desire. And all of a sudden I was just like, this is not acceptable. Like you need to fix these things. Like all of a sudden this part of me that almost felt like my, the like mama bear, right? It's like preparing me in a way for this like future state of being a mom.

[00:20:00] It's like, I'm going to have to advocate for things that I probably might not have done for myself even. And so it feels like it's just like getting into the process has felt like such this powerful initiation. And I feel so humbled by all of it, to be honest, like a deep sense of just, there are so many things you don't have control over. And there's also a deep power in being really in connection with yourself on the things you desire. Yeah.

[00:20:30] Yeah. I also felt that dichotomy a little bit too. And in that the waiting got really hard, the not knowing got really hard, but I did find from the minute that I froze my eggs, this really crazy source of like empowerment that I was doing this on my own. I didn't need anybody else to do it for me or do it with me. And it just, there was something really cool about that and my ability to move this forward

[00:20:58] without needing, because I think you just spend so much time thinking it's going to look a certain way and there's going to be another person being a part of it. And then when you just take that away and you take the weight off of it and it becomes all of your own decisions and you being able to just trust your own gut, I think that felt super empowering for me. And at the same time, and I'm interested in how you have felt about this, is it took the weight off of any potential dating relationships.

[00:21:25] And I don't mean like even dates that were scheduled, just on the big picture. It completely takes the weight off of that future partner for me because I don't need them for this anymore. I'm looking to them to be a different kind of partner than what I would have needed two years ago. And I really like that a lot. Absolutely. Yeah. I love what you said about that because I do think at this age and for women at this

[00:21:51] age that are wanting to become parents and they're still looking for love, it can feel really difficult to, I don't think it's a, it doesn't feel good for women either to say, Hey, I have to speed this process up. Right. For me, I'm like, I want to fall in love at the pace that love happens. I want to develop a relationship at the pace of the relationship, right? Versus the pace of like my fertility need. Yeah.

[00:22:19] And I look out with somebody who's like fully there with you. Amazing. But that's not always the case. And it's not always the case to that. You're going to find like your healthiest relationship that way either. Right. And so it's like being able to take that pressure off a little bit and look at relationships a little differently and dating differently. I think it's really, can be really powerful. And for me, it's already, I'm still in the beginning phases, like going on dates and figuring

[00:22:49] out, okay, do you talk about it on date one or do you know what I mean? Hey, PS, I'm trying to get pre-appetizer. Yeah. Yeah. Like where do you bring up the fact that you're trying to become a mom? Yeah. Yeah. It is super funny, I think, to have it play into that dynamic. And I want to give you just so much kudos for the decision that you made about your last

[00:23:14] partnership too, because I think so many of us have been in relationships that we wanted to be, we wanted to end up in this place and start a family with that person, right? Or we were putting unnecessary weight on a relationship that was not the right relationship just because it was that timing or we're a certain age. Yes. And so I think it takes a lot of guts and a lot of paying attention to how you're feeling to end a relationship that isn't going to be the right partnership for this stage of your life. And so kudos to you for making that decision.

[00:23:44] I know a lot of women who stay in relationships for a long time and might lose out on their chance to do this because they're prioritizing that over the starting of a family, right? But it's such a tough balance and those decisions are so difficult. And the next stage of that too is I know a lot of single women who might want to start a family, but at this point, partnership is more important. So those decisions become even more complex, right?

[00:24:09] When you start to put the priority order of partnership and parenting and which one comes above which one and how you make those tough decisions and where you put your energy. Yeah, absolutely. I can relate to all of that, right? Because I going into my later 30s, I had that thought as well, right? I want to prioritize partnership. I'm fully going to focus on that, right? Versus the family motherhood thing. And then once I got into a relationship with somebody I was so excited about, all of a sudden

[00:24:39] I was like, oh my God, the family mother thing became really big again. Because I was like, I could imagine this with you and I want to do this with you. And then that like stark reality that I had to like slowly allow to seep in because I was just like, how is this not possible? How can we love each other this much? And how can it not be the same? Yeah. And then getting to that place emotionally of just recognizing, wow, the kindest, most

[00:25:07] true thing that can happen here is for us to both honor exactly where we're at. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It's such a difficult decision and such a tough thing to decide if it's not completely clear to everybody. Yeah. And I also have had some interesting conversations with folks who call me and they're on the fence about what they want to do.

[00:25:33] And I'll say, okay, if you think about having a partner and not having kids for the rest of your life or having kids and no partner for the rest of your life, do you have a visceral reaction to one of the two? And more often than not, people do one side or the other. And there's folks that are like, oh my God, there's no way I don't want to do this on my own. That doesn't sound good to me. I would really rather have a partner and not kids. And I'm not saying that's only option A and option B, but it is interesting when you pay

[00:25:59] attention to kind of what feels like the right thing. And everyone feels really differently about that question. Absolutely. We're just switching the order, Lauren. We're in team two and we're just switching the order. I fully am so hopeful and excited about that day when I can meet somebody and expand my family in that way. And hopefully, I'm very hopeful that person might also have kids too. I would love to have multiple kids.

[00:26:25] And I'm not going to say that thought of that still coming around in my head as a single mom isn't hard. And I'm not going to say there's not loneliness involved in that and grief involved in that, but I'm very hopeful and excited that is hopefully what's coming next. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. It's for those of you who, those of us who really want that, right? It's so beautiful, right? Being able to share and open your heart and be in connection with somebody and have that

[00:26:52] kind of partnership that really feeds you is, can be really powerful, right? And it can be another anchor in our lives that adds meaning to life, you know? And I think the same thing about motherhood, right? It like adds a certain anchor and meaning to our lives in other kinds of ways. But I think what you shared too, just about, I love the question you asked because it really does help people get clear on what's most important to them, right?

[00:27:19] Because there's so much noise out here and people sort of peppering you with these are the ways things should happen or you can have it all messaging. That always, I could talk about that for days. It's like coming back to really understanding yourself and what's most important to you. It's an ongoing journey, but just slowing down and really being like, all right, what is most important to me? What is my, what is like my, my like inner soul, like really calling for in my life? Yeah.

[00:27:49] And it can be hard, but when we're aligned in that, it's, I think everything becomes a little easier, to be honest. Yeah. I use the metaphor all the time of feeling like you're a couple like TV stations off from the right one. And me, you're like, ah, something just isn't fitting. And all of a sudden you like change the channel and you're like, and that's what happened to me when I felt like I started, really started the process is I was like, Ooh, I'm on the channel now. Let's go. Yeah.

[00:28:17] I'm like, and the right information was coming in and the resources were coming in. And I felt like I was just like on the path and making it happen. And whereas it's just, it's so much to balance. And it's such a big decision to make, especially if you're in a relationship and maybe that person doesn't see eye to eye on it or doesn't want to be the biological parent. It's just, it's a lot. The complexities add up and add up, but I think you just have to pay attention to, you have to pay attention to your own gut about it.

[00:28:46] And just like you did, just start putting the data together. Pay attention to your gut and go to your doc, pay attention to your gut and get some basic blood work, pay attention to your gut and maybe just jump on a zoom with a fertility team. Just start putting together the info. So you feel like your gut is backed up by the reality of what this might look like for you. And then just keep paying attention. If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right. Yeah. You know? Totally. And I think that's so, that's a big part of it too.

[00:29:14] It's like your intuition, but then it's also taking action, right? It's like, we have to take action to then pause again and be like, all right, we're still in the same, we're on the right path. And so it's the taking action piece that I think has been so helpful for me. Even in my hardest moments, I'll be like, all right, I'm having a hard moment. Let me work through it, get support and resources where I can check in with myself. Am I still in alignment? And then take the next step. Yeah.

[00:29:44] There's nothing more frustrating to me, I think, as a get it done type, a take action type of person than meeting with someone who is thinking about this choice and is convinced it's not going to work for them, but hasn't tried one thing. It's, I'm not, this isn't going to work out and I'm not going to have a family and whatever. And then when I ask, what have you done? You might have a vitamin B deficiency and that's why you're not pregnant. It might be something so little, but you have to do something. Yeah.

[00:30:14] You have to move the car down the road. You can't only be thinking about 10 years from now. You have to just start the process and see how you feel in it. But yeah, it's very hard for me to keep my cool with folks who just want to vent about not having a family or vent about their ability to not have kids when there's absolutely no proof of that or action taken to figure out ways to make it happen. And I've met a few of those people and it's just let's do something. Just talk to someone.

[00:30:44] Just give it a shot. Just give it a shot. There's a billion ways to make a family if you want it. Yes. Yeah. Go ahead. No, you go. Oh, I was going to say one other thread that I want to pull on is that I've been really like looking back and reflecting on a lot is actually going through this process, even though it's had its challenges. I feel so much more connected to my body. I feel so much more empowered with my ability to figure out my health needs.

[00:31:14] And I think like in your 20s and 30s, you're just not utilizing the health system as much. Hopefully you're not using it. But I feel like I've had to advocate, figure out different providers, learn, go back and learn a lot, reach out to new kinds of people to get advisement or insights. And then just really tracking my cycles has been like revolutionary for me. Even that action. Even that action.

[00:31:38] Like if you're somebody who's like thinking about it or anything, just like honestly, step one, get on a period tracker or I use an ETO. It's a little more like when you're really in it. But just start to check your cycles because that's like the number one thing all your providers are going to ask you anyway of like, how long is your cycle? Is it regular? Like how many days do you bleed? Are you ovulating on the same kind of frame? Dates, things like that. Even that alone was so useful. And I wish I would have started it a long time ago. Yeah.

[00:32:08] I had no idea when I was ovulating. I had no idea. And so I just those little ovulation sticks from Amazon, you get a thousand for five dollars. Yeah. Yeah. And turns out it was like fairly regular. But yeah, I totally agree with you. I think the knowledge is really empowering about your own body. And man, does that continue through pregnancy? I'm sure. And postpartum for sure.

[00:32:29] But yeah, it's just there's so many steps you can take on your own without having to start paying money and engaging with fertility clinics to just start to wrap your head a little bit around what's going on. And there's also a lot of like basic health blood testing that doesn't have anything to do with pregnancy that also could give you a sense of other things that are happening in your body. Yes. Especially at our age, good to have a general sense of how's my hormones? How's my thyroid? Do I have any vitamin deficiencies?

[00:32:58] If you see it as just getting a good holistic view of your health, as step one, I think that's really empowering. Definitely. Yeah. Are you still working with the known donor? Are you guys going to keep moving through to the next phase? Where's it on that one? Yeah. Really, it's very timely, this question. Yes, he's the primary donor.

[00:33:23] And he had a recent accident, actually, in Europe. And so he's needing to stay there for his own health and wellness for the next couple months. And so that was another big decision point that we just made this past week. Again, wild, all the things we don't have control over. Yep.

[00:33:45] And it was really difficult because I obviously just went through this whole process. I was excited. And I think we both were. And then, obviously, he needs to take care of himself. And at the same time, that call has been really strong for me. And missing months right now, about to be 41, also felt really challenging. Like, when I sat with that, I was like, oof.

[00:34:12] And flying and getting to him and all of those things, it takes a lot of energy. And also, as women, flying and time changes and all of that actually can be disruptive to our ovulation cycles. And yeah, I just sat with that decision, again, sitting with hard decisions around things you don't have control over. And really got clear that it felt important to continue the process. And so we talked about it and we got aligned.

[00:34:40] And I'm going to go back and do some sperm bank options for the next couple of months. And then when he gets back, we're going to actually, if I'm not pregnant, have him store samples at the local sperm bank. So that if anything happens for him or if he needs to go somewhere else or go back to Europe or any of those things, we can both have peace of mind that I can easily access those samples for months to come.

[00:35:05] And it sets us up for more success in terms of me going into a fertility clinic, which I definitely plan to do if I'm not pregnant after the next couple cycles. At this age, a lot of advice I got and I've been thinking about it. It's like most 80% of women will get pregnant after six months, I think. It's something around that. But if not, especially as you get older, it's just start going in and getting support after four months if it's not happening naturally.

[00:35:34] So, yeah, by that point, I'll be, if I'm not pregnant, I'll be working with a fertility clinic. And then having his samples in a sperm bank allows us to just easily ship his samples and all of that. So we have to maybe make embryos and all the things. Exactly. And then if I want to do IUIs at the clinic, if I want to just move right into IVF, all of those options are still there. So that's great. I love that.

[00:36:00] I have to ask because we haven't talked about this on the podcast yet, but did you guys do any? Did you write up any legal paperwork? Did you make any agreements? You did. I'm seeing you not. What did that look like if you don't mind sharing? Yeah, definitely. I think the first thing we did was we created a set of agreements just between the two of us that felt really aligned for what felt important to us and our needs. And so that was really helpful just to get a sense.

[00:36:28] Like I did some research, looked at other known donor options or how people thought about it or had those early conversations with known donors. So we went through a lot of those questions of just what would he want his role to be, making sure that he felt really comfortable with just not having any parental rights. That was important to both of us. He's very much like, I want, this is for you.

[00:36:52] This is not something that is important to me, but it's important to him that he supports it. And then we talked about just expectations in our own relationship, what felt important to us. And I'm learning a lot in that process still, right? How much emotional support does one give around this or not? Because he's a close friend of mine. We talked about the role of the donor. His, he's not going to have any obligation to contribute financially.

[00:37:20] He really is going to waive fully his rights and responsibilities. And then we talked a little bit about kind of some shared responsibilities that felt really good to us. We did talk about not sharing like donor status on social media, things like that. We were, we were laughing a little bit because we're like, oh, I think we need one annual retreat.

[00:37:42] That's like the state of the child rearing team where he gets one time a year where we get to discuss the development of the child's things like that. And I think for him, it feels important to be like a fun uncle. And then we found lawyers. So that was a really important part, very important with known donors. And the process has been really straightforward and really easy. Definitely, again, costs money. It was about $1,000 to do it.

[00:38:11] And highly recommend with any legal agreements that like you find a provider that has clarity of how much it'll be. Because they can get expensive to work with lawyers, obviously, but the folks we found had a lot of experience with working with known donors. This is a big part of their work and they had a flat fee and have been incredibly helpful. So that legal document has to be in place before you conceive. And then that gives you full legal rights and responsibilities.

[00:38:40] And then the known donor won't be on the birth certificate. So that's another big, important part of the puzzle. So, yeah, it's been pretty straightforward in that regard. But, again, a lot of things that I was just we were trying to figure out as we went. Yeah. Yeah, I think that I think the legal side is something people don't think about. Or at least when I was considering that it didn't come up, really.

[00:39:05] And I think those conversations, A, are very important because there are legal ramifications of having a baby with someone. And if something were to happen to you or if you were to try to take them to another country and that name is on the birth certificate, like there are logistics that matter in this process.

[00:39:21] But I also think not only having that discussion one on one or maybe having that discussion with a therapist or the legal team brings up questions you would not know or think of or they're trained to know all the possible scenarios. Right. And so I think it's such a healthy thing to have that all in place because throughout that questioning, there may be something that flags, oh, my gosh, we're not the right combo for this or, oh, I'm not ready for this. Or maybe the donor isn't ready for this.

[00:39:50] And so it's such a great part of the preparation instead of just being like, oh, you're my friend and I like you and I want to help you out and I love you. It's so much bigger than that, that having professionals asking those questions, I think, is really essential. Definitely. Yeah. And there's so many questions, too, that we both recognize like we wouldn't necessarily have answers to right away because we don't know how we'd feel. Yeah.

[00:40:17] And I think that's also really real. Like right now, for example, it's like disclosure to the child. That's a consideration, right? Like how will they be informed in the identity of the donor? And if so, when and how? I can't fully predict that, but I don't know who could. But it's something we'll come back to.

[00:40:38] But what did feel important was to really understand the role that felt most important for him to play so that we were in alignment on that. He was really clear. I don't want parental responsibilities. I do like the idea of being like a fun uncle that can pop in from time to time or there's a relationship. But again, it's going to also, it's going to be like a lot dependent on the child's experience, right? You've got a third person on the team that is going to play in the lane of this. Yeah.

[00:41:07] Absolutely. Like they're going to, they might love it or they might not be into it or I might be in a new relationship and they feel much more like a father role, right? I don't know. But what feels most important to me is that like the very baseline with this own donor, like I have a lot of trust with this person and we have good communication.

[00:41:28] And those two things felt really critical to me, who he is as a human, right? And again, like having the legal paperwork is going to give us clarity of those roles should anything wild happen, right?

[00:41:43] Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Do you feel any questions or concerns about the day to day? Once this does happen, you've got a little person. Do you have the freedom in your professional life to shift as needed or are you still putting the pieces together around that?

[00:41:59] Oh, yeah. Wow. Another big part, right? It's like, how does all that work? Bringing in income and also supporting this like family structure. I've been feeling into this almost like this energy of providership lately. Tell me more.

[00:42:20] I find that being a provider has been socialized as like a male role oftentimes in our culture and men feel that pressure oftentimes, right? Like being the sole provider. And I've been feeling into this idea of, wow, it's actually fun and empowering. I feel like a little bit sexy about it.

[00:42:40] Yeah. I'm a provider. Like I know how to do this. Like I'm going to, I'm going to do really meaningful work and bring in income for my family. Like that feels good to me. And I want to do that in a sustainable way to also make space to be a mom.

[00:42:55] And I think that's going to be reliant on my circles of support and resources and finding the right kinds of roles moving ahead where I can just really lean in and feel supported, whether that's internally at a company or with my coaching or consulting work and being able to flex and figure it out as things evolve. Right.

[00:43:16] Because I think the thing I've learned a thousand percent is like life is going to continue to unfold. And how can I be in relationship to that unfoldment and the changes and know I have the tools within me to meet it? Right. Like I think half of it is that it's like the mindset of something shifted in me in the last couple of years where I'm like, I can do it. Like I can figure this out. Like I'm going to have moments. I'm going to feel things and it's going to be hard.

[00:43:43] And I want it. And I want it. And this is my one life and I want to live it. Yeah. I found professionally too similar to what you said at the very beginning of our chat, which was that like the mama bear was coming out of you in your boundaries working with the sperm freezing company is I have found that especially as a recovering people pleaser, the mama bear comes out for me in protection.

[00:44:13] And of me more often in this stage of my life because I have to set clear boundaries around the type of people that I spend time with, the clients that I say yes to. They have to be okay with me having a sick day because I have a sick kid. They have to be okay with me every once in a while shifting a call or being really clear about, hey, I can show you that house where I can meet during these hours.

[00:44:34] I cannot meet during these hours. And if folks are too, are in a different state, don't understand that, or there's a level of rigidity that doesn't work for me, I just say no. And saying no is not easy for me financially. So I don't want to, that's a big deal for me to have to say no to an opportunity. But I do feel myself tiger momming myself, which I kind of love. Oh, I love that. It's like your own self-leadership, right? It's like your own reorganization of your priorities and what matters and what your needs are.

[00:45:04] It's like spending yourself in a different way. Yeah. Protecting myself because protecting me means protecting Ellie and that's the most important thing. I love that. So what are the next few months look like for you? So you're going to move forward potentially with some frozen sperm options. Yes. And try that out, IUI in the home. And then wait for your friend to recover, hopefully.

[00:45:29] And if you're not pregnant by then, which I so hope that you are, you will cut back into the mix and we'll just keep moving this train down the road, huh? Yep. Yep, exactly. So that's the plan at present. I know that you're laughing, but I do really think that's a great plan. I think knowing the next steps, knowing what happens next, knowing what happens if plan A doesn't work, what plan B looks like is so important.

[00:45:53] Because as you said, it's funny, prior to starting it, you like wait and you wait and you come up with all these excuses not to do it. And then once you start, it's crazy, right? How it shifts to, oh my gosh, I have to wait a month to my next cycle. Oh my gosh, I have to wait two weeks. And that all of a sudden time becomes like very urgent and how quickly things change on that front. Yeah. And then the urgency, working with urgency, right? All of a sudden now you're working with, okay, does it need to feel this urgent?

[00:46:21] Can I just pause and slow down and recognize? And there's reality of time at this stage and being 41 and just the desire and the want for something too. So it's all there. It's big life stuff. There, big life stuff. I'll tell you probably when this episode launches, we will already have shared. I have a two-part series on all of the genetic testing options.

[00:46:47] If you even get to that point where you want to test the sperm or test your own eggs, even prior to IVF or an embryo, the certified genetic counselor from Seattle Sperm Bank comes out. And we talk at length about all of those options just to see if you can get as much info about the health of those two parts and then an embryo if they've already been paired together. So that could be helpful for you as well. I love that. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. It's all good information.

[00:47:13] I've learned so much from your podcast, Sarah, and just such an amazing resource. It's literally in my notes from the summer of one of the critical pieces of this decision making was just really listening to other women and their stories. It was huge. So thank you for making this happen. Oh, yeah. I'm so glad you found value in it.

[00:47:34] And I just want to remind you, too, that I get feedback all of the time from people around how, again, society kind of puts this negative spin on single parenthood. Oh, you had to do this by yourself. Like, how sad for you. But what I have found and what I hear from listeners all the time is this is a completely badass, super empowered, like fun, adventurous, bold group of women.

[00:48:02] There's nothing sad about this group of people. This is not a place to be bummed about this choice. It is really just an incredible group of women that I've been so honored to connect with and be a part of. And I am so happy to have you be a part of it now. And I hope that you will keep me in the loop on your progress. Maybe by the time this airs, we'll have to do another little update on what's going on with you. Yeah, we've done that a few times. So I wish you all the best of luck.

[00:48:31] And I'm here to support you in any way that I can. Thank you, Sarah. I really appreciate the time today. It was really fun to chat. Yeah, thank you, Lauren. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. For more information about the podcast or me, go to youandmekidpod.com. See you soon.

[00:48:50] The RODECaster Pro 2 is the world's most powerful all-in-one audio solution for all types of creators, including podcasters. Graffiti and Julius use one at the plug. It offers studio-quality audio and revolutionary features for creators. While being incredibly easy to use, RODECaster Pro 2 all-in-one production solution for podcasting. It's on sales for $690 right now. And there's a link in this episode description.

[00:49:21] Check it out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.