Justine Lucas - Pregnant Single Mama

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[00:00:27] For my listeners who want to check them out, head to seattlespermbank.com and grab a free all-access pass using the code YOUANDMEKID to start your search today. Welcome to Season 3 of You and Me, Kid, a podcast about starting and raising a family on your own.

[00:00:47] Where I speak with other single moms, those still considering, and experts in relevant fields to give you a real sense of what the day-to-day experience of solo parenting looks and feels like. So wherever you are in the process, I hope this podcast provides some support, helpful info, and most importantly, humor. Thanks so much for listening. Now let's get to it.

[00:01:12] So for those of you who don't know Justine, can you just give us a little bit of background on how this process started and when it clicked in your head that you were excited to pursue this solo? Yeah, it's actually quite a long story. But the short of it is when I was 35, my sister, who was 30 at the time, got breast cancer.

[00:01:39] And so I froze my eggs quite quickly, just in case she potentially would need them. And also not really thinking too much about my own fertility. I was really, it was just like a kind of rash decision. They weren't sure if her fertility would come back after she went through all of her treatment. And so I went through the process then.

[00:02:01] And luckily she was able to go through all of the steps, which was obviously incredibly difficult, but she is currently cancer free. But then she also had a little baby boy. So I have a beautiful nephew, Augie. And so she didn't need my eggs. And then I just kept getting older during all that time. It turns out, right?

[00:02:22] And then as I was getting closer to 40, I realized I had this clarity that I did want to pursue having a baby. And I decided that I was going to just go for it. So I started a couple rounds of IVF at that point. And I did one end of last year. And then I did another one at the beginning of this year. And actually, neither one of them worked.

[00:02:52] And so I de-thawed the previously frozen eggs and fertilized them. I got two embryos and my transfer worked. And so I got pregnant in March and I am now 39 weeks pregnant. Crazy. Very close to the end. Yeah, about to have a baby. Oh, my God. You're the only one that I've talked to in three seasons that is this close to birth. So this is actually pretty awesome.

[00:03:19] What is going through your head a week before this baby comes that you've now been working so many years for? What's going through your head and your heart? So many things. I'm trying to remind myself that regardless of any one situation, no parent feels fully ready. I think there's just 1 million things that you feel like pressure that you need to buy. There's just a lot of life things to get in order.

[00:03:49] But there's a great uncertainty as to when I will go into labor and it could be any day. And so I'm trying to remind myself to just give myself a bit of grace of I'm doing everything I possibly can to prepare for this. And also, I'm an entrepreneur. So just getting to the point where I'm trying to wrap up some of my current client work, but also wanting to work until the last moment just for my own sanity. I don't really want to just be sitting around waiting.

[00:04:18] So it's a little bit of a dance there that I'm trying to do. But I feel both excited and nervous. Yeah. In this moment. Can you give those listening a little bit of a sense of like the work that you do in your day to day setup? Because one of the things we always like to really touch on in the podcast is me making sure I'm speaking to people that are in all different types of careers, have different day to day setups. So it doesn't always have to be, hey, your parents live with you.

[00:04:45] And there's a childcare in your corporate job building. Like it's, it really looks all sorts of ways and it's all possible with all of those setups. So can you give listeners just a little bit of sense of what your day to day is and what that job looks like? Yeah, for sure. I have my own company and I do social impact advising. So I work with nonprofits, philanthropy, social impact companies, mostly in the climate space. But I also advise influencers.

[00:05:14] So I say I work between climate and culture, doing strategy, helping people achieve big visions for how they want to change the world. I currently have clients that include a nature reserve in Barbados. I have a sustainable home goods company. I'm doing a climate finance gathering in Jamaica next year. I have a lot of just really disparate kinds of clients, which is super interesting. And I really love the work.

[00:05:41] I've had the company for a little over a year. In the lead up to having the baby, I did have a couple job opportunities come my way. And I've gone on the journey of exploring them because I think I wasn't sure if being an entrepreneur was the right risk level to be at going into having a baby. And so I did explore those job opportunities.

[00:06:06] I am feeling right now in this very moment that staying an entrepreneur is going to hopefully be the right move because I'm having a lot of really interesting opportunities come my way. I'm trusting the universe that after I take a little bit of maternity leave, that more opportunities are going to come my way. I think there's a lot of important work that's going to need to get done next year. So I'm really post-election.

[00:06:32] I'm feeling grateful that I have the chance to hopefully work on stuff around reproductive freedom, democracy. I'm really issue agnostic in my work. Just getting to work on lots of different issues is something I'm passionate about. So I'm feeling like it's the right move and the flexibility of working from home and controlling my own hours, I think is going to be the right thing for me at the start of this.

[00:06:55] But yes, I totally understand that tension of I really wish I had health insurance benefits with my job. There's a lot of different things to weigh, but in terms of structure, the thing that I'm really excited about is I found a couple that is due three days after me and we have a nanny share set up for next year.

[00:07:19] And so knowing that I will be able to go back to work, that doing the nanny share approach is really going to save all three of us a lot of cost. And it's been really fun to be on the journey with them and figuring this out. So it feels like the right setup for me in this moment. You answered my next question, which was what is the loose plan going into meeting this person who you haven't met yet? And they change everything when their unique personality comes into the picture. But that seems like a great plan.

[00:07:49] And the other thing I wanted to hit on, too, is you live in New York City, which the thought of being a parent and having a baby in New York as someone who's never lived in a major city is so overwhelming to me. But do these folks live near you? Like, how did you get that setup going? I don't know if I'm making the right move, to be honest, but I know it's the right move for the beginning of the life of this baby, because the benefit of being in a city.

[00:08:18] I think the two things that stand out to me is just the proximity of my community. I have so many friends that live so close. So to be able to, like, call someone at a moment's notice and have their support or to even access this really beautiful thing happens when you become pregnant in the city is like there are so many groups you can access.

[00:08:45] So there's just a beautiful circular economy in my neighborhood of people on WhatsApp offering free stuff or stuff for sale or just advice, activities. It's been so neat to see that this, like, little community exists within my community where I can access these resources. That's been really wonderful. But also, I think in the first six months of this baby's life, I'm going to be walking a lot. And the city is so perfect for that.

[00:09:15] So just pick up a friend, go to a coffee shop, just walk around. So to just be on the move and seeing people, I think, is going to make me feel just in community. And I'm really glad for that. I also have the benefit of my mom is coming. My mom and my stepdad are coming for the first month of the baby's life and staying really close to me. So I will have a little bit of additional support as well. I love that. I love that.

[00:09:44] I always, my brain always in New York goes, are you bought, do you need a different gear? Is it smaller? Does it make turns better? Like I'm digging up the subway and the stairs and the, but city people are not phased by this stuff. So it's just. Everything's just smaller. And the apartment is, I want to say 300 square feet. I have the smallest apartment.

[00:10:07] I have some outdoor area, but so that's something I'm questioning too, is like, I am living in a very small space, but it has allowed me to really shed all of the pressure of capitalism. When you feel it most, you get pregnant. And it's just my Instagram. Everything is bye, bye, bye. You need all this stuff. And I just don't have room for it. So I.

[00:10:31] I think it's a blessing because the stuff monster, we did an episode actually in season two about stuff because I had anxiety about stuff too. And it seems like you did a good job of getting the essentials and saying no to the rest. Cause you're right. It's like, I have a 1200 square foot house and a garage and it still was too. I was like, I can't just mentally. I couldn't handle the stuff. So good for you for minimizing as much as you could, even though it probably still feels like a lot. It does. Yeah. I don't know.

[00:11:01] Long-term, you know, since the baby starts crawling, maybe this apartment won't be the right size or New York city might not be the right size. I don't know. I not sure how I feel, but I'll meet the little one. And then that's right. It's like preparing for a dinner and not knowing who's going to come in the other chair. Like you have no idea what you're going to talk about or if you're going to hit it. Like, you just don't know. They're just like this full personality that's coming and you haven't met them.

[00:11:29] And so there's only so much preparation you can do before you guys meet. I love how you're thinking about this because I've talked a lot in the podcast and we've talked also about just the constant recalibration. That's part of, for me being a parent and like that constant of what do we need today? What do we need this weekend? Do we make a plan that no longer fits us? Are we living in a place that no longer fits us? Do we have the community or do we need to make some shifts in who we're spending time with?

[00:11:54] Like it's just this constant shift of what's going to feed this family dynamic and what's going to make me feel supported and her feel supported. And it's always changing. The only stable part of it is that it's always changing. And as long as you constantly have a sense of here's what we need this week or today and we're also willing to drop it five minutes before it was supposed to happen, if that's not going to work, then you're good. For sure. Yeah. So you're going to have a nanny share with a friend.

[00:12:24] And are you going to take some time off work or are you going to try to do both? Yeah, I'm definitely taking off from when the baby's born, the rest of December and all January, and then probably Feb, most of it. But I'm just saying to clients, I'll be back in touch. I just am trying to give myself the grace of not knowing how I'll feel. Like I might be fully 100% not interested in starting back work up again.

[00:12:50] But I also like want to responsibly line up work to start back in March. I might, I could see myself taking a few half days in February to just get some work in and get set up for success. It is a little daunting taking quote unquote maternity leave when you work for yourself, taking a break in client work. Because it's just your money, just your money that you're spending. Yeah. Totally. A hundred percent. Just my money. Yep.

[00:13:19] Yeah, that's caused me a lot of anxiety, but I also know that I'll need that time. So. For sure. For sure. It sounds like you have an amazing community. You said that earlier. I can also get a sense for that of talking to you and following you on Instagram. But in the past nine months, since we really had our first big introduction and you now having spent that time being pregnant, what has been the response from your community about you doing this solo?

[00:13:48] Honestly, it's been more supportive than I thought. I thought that I was going to get a lot of questions and I did along the way. Of course, I got lots of questions about the decision. I've had the typical remarks of someone finding out that I'm pregnant and then being, and then I've had someone say to me like, oh, I didn't realize you were married.

[00:14:16] Or something else. Yeah. And you're like, wow, we are so like in a state of, yeah. I was like, I didn't realize that you had to be married for so many things to happen. But yeah, I've gotten some weird comments and a little bit of questions, but mostly I felt really supported. And I did write a little piece, a little article about my choice to take the solo journey.

[00:14:45] And it got published a few weeks ago. And it's been really amazing to just have the outreach from strangers wanting to know more about the decision and the questions that I've gotten to while talking to strangers who've just hit me up on Instagram or whatever. Oftentimes, like what was the impetus for the decision? Was there a moment where you just had clarity? Like, how are you making it work?

[00:15:10] This woman messaged me on Instagram saying that she had just assumed she would need to save enough money to have full-time live-in support. Like she felt like she had to like fully replace the partner in her mind. She saw a lot of people in her life having this support system that was full-time living in her, in their homes. And, and so just to talk it out with people has been really interesting and I hope helpful.

[00:15:38] And I keep taking these conversations with strangers because I, Sarah, I kept just thinking about like how much I got from your podcast and from our conversations. I was like, I need to pay this forward. And if you don't have a model of anyone in your life, that's taking this pathway, it is helpful just to hear that there's ways to make it work. Yeah. And like a million different ways.

[00:16:01] It definitely doesn't have to mean you're making a million dollars a year and you have a live-in nanny and no one that I've talked to has that reality. In fact, most are on the opposite end of the spectrum. And I do the exact same thing. Like this podcast has been, for me, the conversations are everything. And I get the same questions over and over, which is why I ask similar questions in my interviews. Because people really are not only wondering, but I think also waiting to be okay with questions like, do I have enough money?

[00:16:29] How is this going to work with my day-to-day? Is my current job okay for me to have a baby on my own? Are people going to think it's weird? What's society going to think? And then the big one I get a lot is, does it mean I'm giving up on partnership? Yeah. And that I fully in my heart believe that I'm not. I think I can probably speak for you when I say that, because I think you're on a similar path as me. But I think there is certainly the misconception that you're choosing this instead of partnership.

[00:16:58] And I really believe that's not the case. You're just shifting the order. I've also been single for a long time. And I'm still single two years into having a baby. So I can't quite say that I've checked that box, but it's a lot of the same questions and concerns and reasons to wait, I think. That assumption shocked me, I guess, in terms of the reactions I got from people.

[00:17:18] I had a lot of people who would just say passively, oh, I wish I could have introduced you to this person six months ago. And I'm like confused by the idea that just because I've chosen to have a baby that suddenly that door is closed like that. It really did not dawn on me. And honestly, I have gone on dates while being pregnant. You're pregnant for nine months. It's a really long time of your life.

[00:17:47] I don't feel at all like this decision is closing off that part of me. I hope that it ends up being a beautiful filter for my life moving forward of the people I should date. Like, obviously, they're okay with the other person that's going to be a part of my life. But that's the only thing. I was joking on a recent interview that I'm like, the things that I'm attracted to now are so different as a parent.

[00:18:16] You, six too hot in your like suit from work looking all dashing, like great. But the like dad in the sweatpants, like dropping the kid off, making jokes about how like they all have cornflakes in their hair. Yes. Like you get me. And I also, there's something so vulnerable about people who've either been parents or want kids about what the real life looks like.

[00:18:39] And bringing that first person into this world would be such a transition that having somebody that's already been through it and knows how those priorities shift and knows, has already gone through the change of what it does to you as a person. And I mean that in a really good way. That is hot to me now. Like it's such a different, and anytime I'm on the apps, it's like when people say they're not sure if they want kids, I'm like, that's an easy left. Like you can't be not sure if you want kids because that's, I'm a package deal now.

[00:19:08] So it definitely zeros me in on folks for sure. But I think there's also a lot of people that look that I have a kid and they're like, heck no, that sounds, which is great. Take a walk. I'm good. I'm good with that. Yeah. A great filter. Yeah. I had some similar comments. You just said that people were like, oh, I wish I'd introduce you to somebody.

[00:19:29] And I recently did an interview at the end of season two with a gal named Kristen Hargrove who runs this website called CoTripper, which is this amazing single mom community that she's building. And she's the coolest. And we had a conversation about how single parenting just comes with this negative connotation that it was your plan B. It wasn't ideal. And that first feeling is, oh, like something must not have worked out for you to choose this. And there's that, oh, it's hard.

[00:19:57] It just is coming with this funny weight. Whereas I've heard from many people on the podcast that it's like when they engage with the single mom community, it is like the coolest, most empowered, badass group of women nationwide. That's growing like gangbusters even globally. And I feel that way as well. I don't feel any of that. Oh, woe is us at all. I think it's like the coolest group of people.

[00:20:23] The reason I wrote the article in the first place was that I wanted to convey just that. It was a choice that I made with a lot of love and positivity and not like the sense of lacking, which I could see if you don't have anyone in your life that's made this decision or you didn't make a similar decision.

[00:20:44] Like I could see how you'd be like, oh, that sounds like it was the plan B or it didn't work out that you found that partner and you found yourself in a perfect nuclear situation. So that must be. Oh, bummer.

[00:21:00] I've been finding myself describing it as like a little bit of a journey that I went through internally where at first, yes, for a long time I was looking for a partner and I thought that things would just organically fall into place where I'd meet someone and we would decide to have get married and have kids. And I thought it would just like organically happen like that for me. And it didn't.

[00:21:25] But I also had a lot of fun along the way and dated some wonderful people, not so wonderful people. But I think it wasn't like suddenly I hit this point where I was like, oh, I should have a baby by myself. It honestly was just this process of I should take the steps necessary to prepare myself for maybe I will want to like doing those IVF rounds. I thought these are just the steps I need to take. All these steps take a long time.

[00:21:54] Who knows when I'll transfer an embryo or if I will transfer an embryo, but I just want to be prepared and have the option. And then it kept taking a long time. And the more I was going down the path, I was like, I think I really want this. I just have the baby. Like, so just a little organic. And then it turned into an eagerness, like where I was like, I cannot wait to have this transfer.

[00:22:20] Nothing is going to stop me from getting the first time as possible. It's funny how that happened. And I always tell people too, it's so many folks don't start the process because they're unsure. And I'm like, start the process. And if that means just having an appointment with a fertility clinic or an adoption company, like just do the first thing. Because as you said, if this isn't right for you, the finances and the big decisions that you have to make through this process are going to make it clear.

[00:22:47] I think if this isn't for you and you can pull back at any time until you get knocked out, you're good to pull back at any time. For me, it was like, it just became the more money I spent and the more decisions I made, the more I was like, oh, this is really what I want. And I'm going to do whatever I can do to make it happen. I don't know if it's easy. All those steps are difficult. So it does. It's not small.

[00:23:10] And then when you're working full time, but having to manage the amount of appointments and tracking down deals on fertility drugs, it's just a lot. So it does feel, I feel like that's such good advice to just start the process, start going down the path. Maybe your life could change at any moment's notice. Maybe you will meet someone.

[00:23:33] You may never need those eggs or embryos or whatever, but to give yourself the best shot at something you know that you want. Yeah. Go until it doesn't feel good and then hit pause or decide not to do it anymore. If you don't like your team, back up and find one you do. Or there's nothing you can't walk back in the process if it starts to feel wrong. Even if you've told people you're doing it, like you just have to take it step by step, I think. But I had the experience with you where it made me even more gung-ho the more and more I went.

[00:24:00] And the more times that I would feel a little bit of heartbreak around it not working or me not getting the eggs I was looking for. And now I would love to have more kids. There's no way. The women I've interviewed with two kids. So I have one gal who I've interviewed that just has had her third baby solo. And I'm like, my mind is blown, but there's no way with a toddler I could do it. Which makes me wish I'd started earlier, but that's what it is.

[00:24:24] But I feel like also advice you've given on the podcast that I've really appreciated is that oftentimes with parenthood, there's so much focus and attention on the negative aspects. And I feel just hearing about your journey and your first couple weeks with your baby and how it was so magical and special. And you felt like you were going to need more support, but you were just so happy being in your bubble.

[00:24:48] I just have appreciated too the perspective that I think is beyond being a solo parent by choice. It's also just being a parent that so often you don't hear about all of the really positive, beautiful things that come with parenting. Yeah. Yeah. I do think that we, and I would say prior to having a baby, like I had a pretty joyful life. I'm a pretty happy, optimistic person.

[00:25:16] And there's like a simple joy that kids have. Ellie will laugh at the most ridiculous thing. This morning she woke up and there was snow outside and she like freaked out. Or some silly thing that doesn't make sense to me. And so there's so much more laughter. There's so much more joy. I'm exhausted all the time. She's a crazy little two and a half year old tyrant. But there's so much joy that comes with it. And I agree with you. I don't think that's talked about enough. And it is easy to lean into the, I'm so tired or the, this is really hard with the tantrums or this.

[00:25:46] But at the end of the day, like there's absolutely more joy in my life than there was before. And my life was pretty darn awesome prior. And so it's good to be able to say that. I will say, and I'll share this with you because I haven't done an interview since this happened. And I always like to share the moments where I think about partnership or that are a little bit harder for me. And I just went on my first international trip with Ellie. We went to Mexico for election week and it was awesome. And I went with a good friend of mine and her husband and their three and a half year old.

[00:26:17] And prior to the trip, I was thinking about all the things like logistics and passports and whatever. And I knew that I'd set up a trip that was going to be easy for us and restful for us. And what was interesting is my main takeaway driving home from the airport when we got back was that for this entire week, I'd had these two other people doing these just like small kindnesses for me that they do for themselves all the time, for each other all the time. Like the coffee was just made or one of us when we made breakfast would make breakfast for everyone else. Or all of a sudden my laundry would just be in the washing machine.

[00:26:46] And I was so grateful for that. And I also hadn't realized that I'd missed it until I went on the trip. And I came back and was like, oh, it was like this really interesting mix of, oh, that felt so good. And, oh, I miss it a little bit. And how nice that must be for them in partnership to have that, which was a surprise takeaway, I think. Luckily, as much as I was worried it would happen, I've had a pretty easy pregnancy.

[00:27:13] But I have had moments where I'm like, oh, I wish somebody could just make me a cup of tea. But something I am trying to channel, and I don't know if I will be effective at it, that I'm going to try to ask for that support of my community as much as I can remember. I have in my mind that I will get up the courage to be like, I really need you to bring me flowers today. I want to really be specific about what is going to fill my cup that day.

[00:27:42] I am not necessarily the greatest at asking for help, but I've been trying to do a lot of work internally in this first few months when I do need support or anything little like that or someone to come and do laundry for me because they don't have laundry in my apartment. And then asking for things that would be those little niceties that would make a big difference. I would love nothing more than to hear from you that you're actually doing it.

[00:28:11] Because if you flip the script, if you go to visit a friend with a baby right now, or even prior to you being pregnant, and they're like, can you just make me a coffee? I know this sounds weird, but can you just throw my laundry? Like, you wouldn't even hesitate. No. And you would feel really good about being able to help them that way. And it is the little things. It's like taking the trash out, especially in an apartment building. Take the trash out. Throw the laundry in the washer. Take the laundry out of the dryer. Maybe throw some dishes in the dishwasher.

[00:28:37] Hand me my coffee that I made an hour ago and I've been sitting with the baby and I haven't been able to go get. Or can you get me my phone charger? It's just the little stuff. Yeah. And I think one of my big, like, also takeaways of having a baby was, like, the people that showed up for me in that way would just show up and be like, hey, I'm just going to grab this trash on the way out. Like, they wouldn't even think about it. I'm like, clearly you've been through this before and you know what would help. And I also felt, oh, my God, I could have been so much helpful to my friends when they were pregnant 10 years ago.

[00:29:07] Think about that stuff. Because I didn't know it was a thing. And gosh, I would love it if you actually did that. And when people are like, hey, I'm coming to see you. Can I get anything? Instead of being like, just bring yourself. Be like, ooh. Am I out of the wine? Do I want some chocolate or, like, a cheeseburger? Like, really tell them. Because if I were on the other end of that text, I'd be so stoked to have an actual. A mission. A mission. Yeah. That it was going to make your day. This is good. It's reinforcing. Yes, do it.

[00:29:36] Please do it and report back. I would love that. Because I did not do as good of a job of that as I could because I just wanted to see people. And so in the moment, I was just so happy that they were coming over. But I do remember a lot of people would be like, I have one friend who would always ask, can I bring you a fancy coffee? And I was like, yeah, you can. You definitely can. And that always made me really happy. And a couple friends did just take the trash out. And that felt great. And I've shared on the podcast before, and I'll share again. My brother, somebody very smart, gave my brother the advice that the best question to

[00:30:05] ask me was, how can I be helpful? And he still to this day does it. And it's usually, I need my phone charger. Nellie's bigger now. But when she was a baby, you sit down and you don't move for a while or you can't move because they're sleeping. And so it's like usually the thing that's just out of reach that you want. But it's a really powerful question. And so I think you'll be, if you experiment with it a few times over text with people, when they're like, anything you need? And you're like, I do need this thing. See what happens. But I bet they'd be stoked.

[00:30:35] Yeah. I like the challenge of just thinking of the thing that I do need and being specific about it every time I'm asked. Yeah. Are you, and this is me not coming from a city place, but baby's going to come home to your house, to your apartment. Are you just planning on nesting for a little bit? Do you have, oh, the family's going to come in. Are they going to stay with you or close by?

[00:31:06] Close by. Yeah. Nesting. I do have a car or I'm going to have a car by the end of this week from my uncle in New Jersey. Oh wow. But I, so yes, I am going to be here, but we'll be a little bit mobile. Maybe in January or February going upstate and yeah, being in nature a little bit. Getting a little more space. Yeah. So we'll see.

[00:31:32] I have some friends upstate or a family and not too far away. So yeah, I'm trying to, I don't have really a plan beyond December, to be honest, just because I don't know how I'll feel, but the plan is to just be local for December. I think that sounds like an amazing plan. One of the things I did that got not a lot of great initial feedback was when Ellie was three weeks, I took her to Jackson Hole for a month to see my good friends up there.

[00:32:01] And the first feedback was like, you're what? Like, you're going to drive up there? Like, why don't you just stay home? My mom had a really negative reaction to it. And then the people that had kids in my life were like, yeah, this is, if there's ever going to be a time where she's going to be in the car for eight hours and be fine, this is it. So you might as well go. So hot here that just the weather shift made all the difference. So I think if you need to jump in the car and go upstate and just get some fresh air and

[00:32:28] be able to walk down along street without streetlights or something, go for it. But if you're feeling good at home, stay at home. Yeah. Yeah. I also want the baby to get used to, and maybe this is very naive of me to say, but my lifestyle and career has and will continue to have a lot of travel in it. So I am throwing an event in Jamaica in April.

[00:32:56] And so this baby, whether they've been on a plane yet at that point or not is coming with me internationally for five months into its life. So yeah, that I'm hoping we can get used to being in the car. And I do hope while the baby is quite small that we can move around a bit next year and have a wedding in Europe too. And I'm like, yes, we're going.

[00:33:23] It might be the worst experience of my life, but we're going. So I'm definitely not the person that's going to talk you out of that. There are a lot of people in the world that would, but I'm not going to. I am on the exact same program with Ellie and you just do it. And the experience is either tough or it's not. But at the end of the day, I think they can only learn to do that stuff. If you do that stuff, if it's going to be a part of your life and it's important to you, then why not get started early? I think I just had my first kind of difficult ish flight two and a half years. It's fine.

[00:33:53] And the strange thing about being a parent too, is like you, you have a goldfish brain. So it's like, I've already forgotten about it because I don't know what I did yesterday, let alone a month ago. So I've already forgotten about it. And I'm already trying to think about places that we can go and seeing her experience somewhere new was so worth whatever would have happened on that flight. For me, that just opened my eyes to, oh my gosh, like her being able to see animals she's never seen and the beach and the ocean, like was just so worth it that as long as budget

[00:34:22] can let it happen, I'm just going to keep checking those boxes. And if we need to bring somebody with us, I'll bring somebody with us. But it's. For sure. Sure. And my siblings have both traveled with their kids all over the place. And it is cool to see. Yeah. All my nieces and nephews get to experience different places in the world and across this country. And yeah, it's cool. But a great opportunity for them.

[00:34:46] Leading into next week or maybe tomorrow, who knows when this little nugget is going to come. What are the things you're mostly like thinking about and focusing on for yourself in the coming like seven to 10 days? I think the biggest thing, if I were to try to summarize it is if I set aside all of the work

[00:35:13] stuff and the logistics of life and health insurance and registration stuff is that I feel the advice I've gotten from my doula and other parents is really just the more calm I can stay in the process of birth and the lead up to it.

[00:35:38] And the more I can relax and create like a safe space and a safe environment. And I keep channeling like this idea that if I can feel calm and safe, the baby will feel excited to come into that environment. And so I'm trying to do things that, especially next week that will set me up for success with that.

[00:36:02] So I did schedule a massage and I'm just trying to, yeah, wean down work a bit and just whatever I can do to take care of myself. Yeah. Is what I've been trying to channel and think about. It's like when I had my transfer, I feel like I've never felt more stressed in my life while the doctor is saying you must be calm and stress-free. It's difficult to be calm when you're nervous. About to have a human. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[00:36:29] But I have been trying to think about that as like a lens for especially next week. And I don't know when the baby will come, but it can be, although it can be a really difficult experience. It can also be a really joyful experience. So trying to remember that as well. She or he is coming one way or the other, and there's no way of predicting what it's going to look like. But the one thing I was going to say that is totally off topic is the birth certificate

[00:36:58] takes a month to get to you and you need it to get the passport. So when you get the birth certificate, like pretty quickly get your passport. If y'all are going to go to Jamaica four months later, something to put on your. Yeah. Friends of mine who are British and very experienced with navigating the systems in the U.S. have offered to help me with that process, which I'm super grateful for. And yes, I didn't know it would take a month to get the birth certificate.

[00:37:27] I think it took a month to get the actual paper, the social security card and the birth certificate. Maybe there's a way to fast forward it, but I think it took a month because I remember waiting for it. And then I waited a while to get her passport. And then it took, I think it took three months. But New York, you might have some like people in high places that can streamline that. I'm sure there was a way for me to make it or two, but just something to think about when that birth certificate, it comes in the mail.

[00:37:54] And I know we're close to time here is that I think about all the time and I will pass to you and you can take it or leave it. But so often for me, when things are super difficult or I'm feeling like I'm not doing this or she's not getting enough for me in this, or maybe work's pulling at me in this way, or it's just feeling like a lot. But I read something prior to having a baby that was just like, the only thing that matters is that if you're putting your kiddo down in a warm bed in a safe house, that's it.

[00:38:24] That's all they need. They just need warm bed, safe house, and love. And the rest of it doesn't matter. If you ate mac and cheese all week or pizza for four days straight, it just doesn't matter. If there was screen time, it doesn't matter. And that for me is like, I have to really tell myself that a lot because it's easy for me to be like, oh, I should be doing this or this, especially like behaviorally. But I do probably like once every couple of days tell myself like warm bed, safe house.

[00:38:54] Everyone's fine. She's fine. And so if that is any help to you in the ups and downs of the next few months, use it or throw it away. I will. Seems like really good advice. Thank you, Sarah. Yeah. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. For more information about the podcast or me, go to youandmekidpod.com. See you soon.

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