Cara Maiolo - Who Am I As a Mother? Transition to Motherhood

[00:00:00] Welcome to You and Me, Kid, a podcast about pursuing single parenthood on your own.

[00:00:07] Where I speak with other single moms, those still considering and experts in relevant

[00:00:12] fields to help you decide if this choice is right for you and if so how to actually make

[00:00:17] it happen.

[00:00:19] I'm Sarah Hubbard and as a single person wanting to start a family, it took me way too long

[00:00:24] to figure out my options, navigate the process and get a real sense of what the day-to-day

[00:00:29] experience of raising a baby on my own would actually look like.

[00:00:33] So it is my sincere hope that this podcast helps guide you through some of those big decisions

[00:00:38] and provides a lot of honesty and a little humor along the way.

[00:00:42] Thanks so much for listening.

[00:00:44] This week's episode is a real easy.

[00:00:53] Sarah Meola is not only a very, very dear friend of mine and one of the warmest most empathetic

[00:00:59] humans I have ever met.

[00:01:01] Not surprisingly she is also a licensed professional counselor and health educator for her practice

[00:01:06] aspen integrated counseling in the Roaring Fork Valley of Colorado.

[00:01:10] Kera also co-founded an amazing women's wellness and leadership community called Luminary

[00:01:16] with our dear friend Amber in 2014.

[00:01:20] Kera has become my personal operating system for physical, mental and emotional wellness

[00:01:25] but the community also has online trainings and classes, retreats and offer corporate

[00:01:30] workshops as well.

[00:01:32] Kera and I really dive in today to discuss the transition to motherhood and what tools

[00:01:38] we can use as humans and as women to really support ourselves in this huge shift.

[00:01:43] When she and I chatted, I just was getting used to being pregnant and really starting to

[00:01:49] think about how I would feel once this baby showed up and if I would still feel like

[00:01:54] myself or I should prepare to really feel like a completely different person and if that

[00:02:00] would feel groundless and what I should think about as I headed into that stage.

[00:02:05] I love Kera so much and I hope you enjoy our chat.

[00:02:09] Let's get to it.

[00:02:10] First off, obviously we're, you know, we've been chatting but I want to say thank you

[00:02:14] for taking the time to talk with me today.

[00:02:17] I know you're such a busy professional and those busy, busy, busy mama but I would love

[00:02:22] for you to introduce yourself because if I do it, it's probably going to be like all

[00:02:25] hyperbole and I'll go on a 100 tangent so I'd love for you to just introduce yourself.

[00:02:32] Tell me about your regular professional career as a counselor and then a little bit about

[00:02:36] Luminary and we can dive in.

[00:02:38] Okay, well, do and you already know this Sarah but thank you for wanting to pick my brain

[00:02:44] and have this conversation and I love being your friend and colleague.

[00:02:47] That's it.

[00:02:49] So my name is Kera Meola, I'm a licensed professional counselor and I have two businesses.

[00:02:56] My first business is called Aspen Integrated Counseling and I'm a psychotherapist for adults

[00:03:03] and adolescents and spaced out of Carbondale, Colorado.

[00:03:07] So I've been working as a mental health practitioner for almost 20 years now.

[00:03:12] So that ages me but I'm so happy to say that because I love my job.

[00:03:19] I love what I do, I love the people I work with and I have a job where I can keep learning

[00:03:24] and growing and it is really rewarding.

[00:03:27] So it's my favorite thing and then my other business is called Luminary and my business

[00:03:33] partner and I lead retreats and workshops that help people develop self leadership skills.

[00:03:40] So that's actually how Sarah and I met was on a Luminary retreat.

[00:03:44] Yeah, and both of those are kind of the reason I wanted to talk to you today not just because

[00:03:49] I know you as a friend and I know you're going to be so helpful with this kind of topic

[00:03:54] and questions I have but because I had the absolute pleasure of coming to one of your seven

[00:04:02] day Luminary retreats and the things that I learned have absolutely become my operating

[00:04:08] system on a day-to-day basis for navigating everything from work to IVF, to relationships,

[00:04:14] to friendships and so I think your skill set in kind of both of those paths is really kind

[00:04:19] of what I want to dig into a little bit today.

[00:04:22] I'm honored and it's just a treat to be here and to talk about it.

[00:04:26] I should also say that I'm a mom.

[00:04:28] I have a five year old little boy named Kepa.

[00:04:31] So I come at this conversation both as a trained professional but also as a mama of a five

[00:04:37] year old too.

[00:04:38] Yes, that's the most important part.

[00:04:40] I love that.

[00:04:41] Well we've talked a little bit about this but just a little bit of background in terms of kind of

[00:04:46] I was trying to think about when my thoughts around why this would be a helpful topic have popped

[00:04:51] up and I was thinking the originally I think started coming up way before I even pursued

[00:04:56] parenthood when all my friends started having kids a long long time ago.

[00:05:00] Most of them have five seven eight year olds at this point and I watched them both working moms

[00:05:05] and now working moms go through this big identity.

[00:05:09] The crisis but I think really feeling like all of a sudden they became a mom and they were nothing

[00:05:14] else and there was some isolation there, there was some who am I there, there was the things

[00:05:19] that I loved I'm not doing anymore stuff there and I think it took a really long time for a lot

[00:05:24] of them to start to vocalize some of that and so I've been remembering those conversations

[00:05:29] as I get very very very close to having this baby around kind of

[00:05:35] it's just such a crazy thing because I feel like any other life transition you kind of know how to

[00:05:39] prepare right. I'm taking on a new job. I know what that looks like and how to just make

[00:05:43] schedule, I'm moving or I'm doing something else there's like things I think I'm going to need

[00:05:48] or things I know that I'm going to need to take care of myself in that process but

[00:05:53] this is the biggest most dramatic transformation I probably will ever go through in my life and I have

[00:06:01] guesses around what I'm going to need right or how it's going to feel but there's absolutely no way

[00:06:05] to predict it but what I do know is that it's probably going to feel really groundless a lot and I

[00:06:12] think and it's going to feel really different and it's such a crazy thing even to look at my

[00:06:17] calendar. I was scheduling a meeting today and I was like oh I'm scheduling a meeting for after

[00:06:21] the baby's born. I don't even know who I'm going to be on a state like I don't know who mom Sarah

[00:06:27] is going to be or think or feel or yeah and that's just such a crazy thought. It's just so mind

[00:06:33] bending and so I was just so thrilled to talk to you today about just kind of first of all your

[00:06:38] experience and kind of how that happened for you as a mom and a working mom and then maybe we

[00:06:46] can get into kind of some of the things that you've heard with your clients and some of those

[00:06:51] kind of resources are helpful things or almost new moms or new moms to think about as they're about

[00:06:57] to like go into this totally new world. Yes I love this topic and I think the only thing that's

[00:07:05] going to limit us is time and the topic of women's health, women's mental health and figuring out

[00:07:15] how to navigate a life changing journey and having the tools to help us get through this. It's

[00:07:23] a topic I'm really excited about and passionate about and one of the first things that came to

[00:07:29] mind when you invited me to talk about this was thinking about how this experience is a big change

[00:07:39] and you described it as a crisis for some women like an identity crisis and whether it feels like

[00:07:47] a crisis or it's really easy I think it just depends on the person and what's going on in

[00:07:52] their world but it is a big change. And what I know about human beings is that human beings have

[00:08:00] a complicated relationship with change. Parts of us want change crave the change are 100% behind

[00:08:08] the change. Parts of us resist change get uncomfortable with change don't like change fear change

[00:08:15] avoid change and parts of us just feel kind of mixed up and ambivalent about it like parts of it

[00:08:21] and don't like other parts of it. And so this is one of the biggest practical lifestyle changes a

[00:08:29] person could make the choice to become a parent and it's a financial and logistical change and

[00:08:37] it's a big relational and emotional change. So yeah there's no getting around change and

[00:08:44] change in the beginning when it feels hard I think it feels hard because with change comes

[00:08:52] destruction. And what I mean by that is change requires a deconstruction of what used to be

[00:09:03] whatever that form used to be. So whatever our schedule used to look like or whatever

[00:09:09] our sense of self or what we did with our time or how we saw who we were in the world whatever

[00:09:15] that construction is big life changes force a deconstruction of that. And I think that when

[00:09:23] things are being rearranged and it's like a puzzle that's being taken apart that feels bad usually

[00:09:31] even if it's a desired change even if it's a change you most deeply want there's no

[00:09:38] way to get around like the pain that comes with deconstruction is not optional. It's just a part of

[00:09:45] the change process. And also a part of the change process is those pieces kind of being apart for

[00:09:53] a little while like we've taken apart this this form and it's all deconstructed and it looks like a

[00:09:59] million puzzle pieces that are like maybe it was like a vase that looked a certain way and then it

[00:10:03] got shattered and now it's on all these different pieces. And now I need to rebuild another vessel

[00:10:09] to hold water but it's never going to look like it did before. So the first stage is like that

[00:10:14] deconstruction the second stage is the piece is kind of all being hanging out there like not

[00:10:21] actually making a form. And then I think the third stage is things starting to get put back together.

[00:10:28] And then the fourth stage is like now you have a new new vessel or a new form. And I think that in

[00:10:34] that change process they're exciting and parts of that that may feel good to someone and they're

[00:10:41] also really difficult stressful scary painful overwhelming parts of it. I love that you say

[00:10:47] deconstruction too because I think the word that's been popping up a little bit for me recently is

[00:10:54] grieving this the things I'm saying goodbye to. And I think you know that maybe that's travel or

[00:11:00] free time or you know just just freedom in general like in it the movies and I I'm like oh my god

[00:11:07] I'm not going to see a movie for a long time or who's going to watch this kid when I have to go

[00:11:10] to the dentist those just little yeah that feel easier right now are going to feel hard but I also

[00:11:15] think every time I say the word grief it also comes with this idea of am I saying that because

[00:11:23] I'm assuming this is going to look a certain way based on what either other moms or society has

[00:11:29] told me is going to look like and maybe I'm open to creating my own reality that involves travel

[00:11:35] or more freedom or balancing things out a little bit and doing things a little bit differently with

[00:11:40] this kid. Or is that really the way it's going to be right so with that grieving maybe I shouldn't

[00:11:46] be grieving maybe this isn't going to be what x person told me it's going to be or society told

[00:11:51] me it's going to be or some show told me it's going to be and so I like waiver with all of that

[00:11:56] action. I really be sad about it when I don't even know what it's going to look like you know I go back

[00:12:01] and forth daily on those two and I don't know there's a way to avoid it necessarily but I do think

[00:12:09] that what you're doing with this podcast like women sharing their stories I think hearing other stories

[00:12:16] of that deconstruction process and then how the pieces got put back together I think that what our

[00:12:23] society likes to do is talk about the deconstruction of things a lot like the bad things but we maybe

[00:12:29] don't talk enough about the good that's come like you might hear oh you never have any time as the

[00:12:34] parent you might hear that a lot but maybe you don't hear about this is how I spend my time and

[00:12:40] I'm enjoying spending my time with my kid you might not hear all the good parts of it too so

[00:12:46] I think sharing stories and trying the whole story not just you know certain isolated parts of it

[00:12:51] only the good parts or only the bad parts can be helpful but I think it can be helpful to see the

[00:12:58] grief process that you're going through as that normal change process where it's okay if you feel

[00:13:05] those feelings of grief as that as you're starting to prepare for these pieces to start to

[00:13:10] pull apart and fall apart a little bit but all the pieces still exist on the floor

[00:13:17] in stage number two nothing is gone everything that you really care about is still there it's just

[00:13:25] it can't go back in the way that it used to go back and it can't go back in that exact spot or

[00:13:33] an exact form so the beautiful part about change when you're an active participant in your own

[00:13:39] change process is you get to pick the pieces that matter of travel matters to you going to the

[00:13:43] movies matter to you you get to keep those pieces but you might need to file them down and reshape

[00:13:50] them and rework them so they fit in a new way in the new vessel that you create and you might find

[00:13:57] you won't know this is the thing also that's I think hard about this transition into motherhood

[00:14:03] is you don't know what it's going to be like until you get there uh-huh, so any assumptions

[00:14:09] you make about what's gonna be easy, what's gonna be hard are probably gonna you know look so different

[00:14:16] than you thought it was going to think that they're gonna be better than you think that they're

[00:14:19] going to be and things are gonna be harder than you think that they're gonna be and you're going

[00:14:22] to be wrong about what you thought was gonna be you're hard or you're gonna be right about it

[00:14:27] but it's going to feel different or it's going to turnout differently than you might anticipate it so

[00:14:31] I think that's hard for human beings. We like certainty, we like to know what's coming,

[00:14:36] we want to prepare ourselves for it, we want to avoid pain and discomfort. And I think that

[00:14:43] some of the skills that can help with navigating this process include increasing our,

[00:14:52] I'm going to include myself because I still feel like I'm in a lot of change as a mom, but

[00:14:57] increasing our ability to dance with uncertainty, to sit with uncertainty, to not know,

[00:15:06] and to be willing to show up as best as we can even without knowing what it's going to be like.

[00:15:13] And I think get better at handling uncertainty when we have more skills to navigate

[00:15:19] our difficult thoughts and feelings that come up in all life situations. We all have difficult

[00:15:24] thoughts and feelings. And when you say luminary curriculum is like part of your operating system,

[00:15:31] I think you're referring to that, just the skills and tools that we try to teach. And then I

[00:15:36] teach all my clients in my private practice as well to try to figure out how am I making my decisions,

[00:15:42] what matters most to me, how can I feel this discomfort and the skillful way,

[00:15:47] and how can I align my decision-making or my behavior to put me in a direction that's going to help

[00:15:53] me get through this and the place that I most want to be. Well, let me ask you this if you don't

[00:15:59] mind sharing as a professional with that lens, but also someone who went through this personally

[00:16:04] as a working mom. What when in your early days of parent-hard or not even early days, like as you said,

[00:16:10] they're still continuing what we're, you know, what was kind of that experience like for you in terms

[00:16:15] of what you expected versus what you didn't expect, what were some of those moments for you that

[00:16:20] felt really surprising or important? Yeah, I love to share that. So me just like any other human,

[00:16:29] I come into that life change with some strengths and then some things that are really hard for me

[00:16:36] and I came into that life transition, I think with quite a bit of skills being able to navigate

[00:16:44] the ups and downs. So that actually wasn't the hard part for me. The hard part for me was so

[00:16:51] different than that. So I want to share my hard part, but we can loop back to the other,

[00:16:55] might the skills that I think could help people, but my hard part was that I, so I it was a plan

[00:17:04] pregnancy, it was a pregnancy that I married and have a partner, and it was a pregnancy that we had,

[00:17:12] you know, thought about for many years and then you consciously decided to enter into it. I prepared

[00:17:17] work, I had prepared, I did all the preparation. So I felt like I had my feet underneath me going

[00:17:24] into becoming a mom, and I think I felt open, things are going to change, how am I going to change?

[00:17:29] I'm ready for change, I'm embracing change, I'm welcoming change, but the two parts that felt

[00:17:36] hardest to me about this change was that when I before, so maybe this is BK before kid and AK

[00:17:46] after kid. So before kid, I had two businesses, I found a lot of fulfillment in meaning in my work,

[00:17:55] I worked a lot, and a lot of my free time and my downtime, I spent geeking out on learning about

[00:18:04] human beings, geeking out on designing experiences that help people to transform and experience new

[00:18:12] possibilities within. I certainly would go to yoga and take home, day to day free time was spent,

[00:18:19] you know, researching things and studying and learning and designing experiences and talking to

[00:18:24] friends about all of that just generating more ideas. And I don't think I really got how much of my

[00:18:32] sense of self was founded and all the time I spent using my brain and creating new ideas and

[00:18:42] engaging with my work in the way that I was. And so then when I became a mom, not only was there

[00:18:49] a big shift in the amount of time, I also wanted to spend quite a bit of time with my kid as much

[00:18:54] as I could afford, that's also a value of mine and it was and is very important to me. So I think

[00:19:00] there was a little bit of an adjustment around just working less and having a little more simple

[00:19:05] and humble life and not contributing to the thought field that I'm a part of as much or at all for

[00:19:13] a little while and really pulling back on some of that work. But I think the biggest disorientation

[00:19:20] for me was that when I did have free time, I would arrange it so it would have free time,

[00:19:25] I would have some mama downtime. Other than like getting in the maintenance like exercise,

[00:19:31] I went through probably for like three years this period like what do I want to do

[00:19:38] when I have free time? I literally would sit there my partner would say hey it's your time

[00:19:44] go do something with your time and it's when you become a parent especially being on kid it's

[00:19:51] usually at not an opportune time for other people to have free time. So if I'm not hanging out

[00:19:56] with somebody else, if I'm not going on a hike or doing a yoga class what do I do with my time?

[00:20:03] And so that was a huge I'm happy to share more or less about that but I literally had probably

[00:20:09] least one solid year of just sitting in my free time. I have no idea what I want to do and at one

[00:20:15] point there's so much I could do and be interested but I have so little time. I can't really do it

[00:20:21] so what do I do? And that was my crisis is like who am I if I'm not if I don't have ample free time

[00:20:28] to create all these work things? And I have two hours, do I want to read? Do I want to go on a walk?

[00:20:36] Do I want to call a friend? Who I want to learn pottery? Do what do I want to do? And that I didn't

[00:20:43] find the answers to what I want to do with my free time until I had lived. I was still putting

[00:20:48] the the vase back together and so I didn't really know what I want what would feel deeply rewarding

[00:20:55] and nourishing for me until I had lived a little bit longer and sat with all those pieces kind of

[00:21:01] hanging out there with all this question unanswered for a little while like what do I want to do

[00:21:07] with my time when it's just for me? So that was one thing that was hard for me. Should I move on

[00:21:12] to the second or do you want to ask? No, that's great and I think too so much about the energy factor

[00:21:18] around that too right you're coming into it with such a different battery than you would have

[00:21:22] before or oh I have 15 minutes pre baby times you could do whatever you want to with that 15

[00:21:27] minutes with a full battery but you know even after being pregnant for nine months I'm like that

[00:21:32] those 15 minutes of what I am what I want to do versus what I am capable of doing or my brain or my

[00:21:37] body are capable of doing are just so different in their states where it's like yeah I would love

[00:21:41] to go have some amazing conversation for an hour with a friend the only thing I have the energy

[00:21:47] to do is nap. Totally you know I think the energy being is playing by your energy and that shifts

[00:21:55] throughout early parenthood as your kid goes through different stages your physical energy and

[00:22:01] mental capacity and I can think of friends who didn't have this struggle that I had. They've already

[00:22:09] had a couple of hobbies that they just love doing they would go pick up their weaving there

[00:22:13] I have a friend who's a beautiful weaver and a gorgeous blanket and pillows and she would just

[00:22:18] do a little bit of weaving when she had time it was easy for her. I just came into this experience

[00:22:25] not realizing how much of my sense of self and how I enjoy my time was kind of these bigger ideas

[00:22:32] bigger work bigger time commitment projects and not only was my brain not working that way but the

[00:22:39] logistics of the amount of time I had or was willing to give as well to those things really

[00:22:45] constricted. So that was a big identity shift the other thing that was hard about this transition

[00:22:52] for me which I think is an interesting topic given the people who might be listening to this

[00:22:56] podcast is that I was lucky and again all this is so personal depending on like your life situation

[00:23:04] your strengths, your challenges my specific life situation is that I had a partner we were married

[00:23:13] for over 10 years before we decided to have a child we have had and have but had a really solid

[00:23:22] relationship work together really well found a way to be compatible and work through you know

[00:23:29] life stressors and ups and downs but nothing has had a bigger impact on our relationship than having

[00:23:36] a child having a kid completely changed the way that we operated with each other and that could

[00:23:44] be like a whole other podcast of relationship podcast but a lot of what was difficult in this

[00:23:51] transition and identity development for me was well first of all I am myself and I want to show

[00:24:00] up and be a good friend of myself second of all now which feels way more demanding given that there's

[00:24:07] a human being that needs to stay alive and that I'm responsible for I'm a mom so what does that mean

[00:24:13] what does it mean to be a mother so you're figuring that out for yourself that can look so

[00:24:17] different for everybody and then I'm thinking well I'm a wife too but what does that mean

[00:24:23] with when I have limited energy limited time limited bandwidth for this other relationship that's

[00:24:31] also really important to me and my husband went through a little bit of postpartum depression after

[00:24:38] our son was born I was fortunate not to experience postpartum anxiety and depression though it's very

[00:24:44] normal for mothers and fathers actually to experience some sort of usually temporary and bearing

[00:24:51] in intensity postpartum depression or anxiety we used to think it was just like a hormonal thing

[00:24:56] for women but now we know it's much more complicated than that because men get postpartum depression as

[00:25:01] well they're not experiencing the same hormonal changes so you know I have two people that I care

[00:25:08] about that I need to give more of my time and attention to because they have more needs

[00:25:14] and I'm one person and so that was hard for me to figure out how to redefine what it looks like

[00:25:21] to give of myself to my partner as a wife to my son as a mom and retain a sense of self

[00:25:29] giving to myself so that's a big juggle and I'm thinking some of the pros of entering motherhood

[00:25:37] as a single person is that you don't have another relationship like that that needs your time

[00:25:44] and attention and you can really plore yourself into taking care of yourself and your little one

[00:25:51] yeah thank you for listening to this episode if you or your company are looking to jump into the

[00:25:56] podcast world now is the time the plug agency is here to connect you to the full power of podcasting

[00:26:03] you just record and leave the rest to us the people are listening and want to hear from you

[00:26:10] the plug-agency.com that's the plug-agency.com click the link in the episode description for an

[00:26:18] exclusive offer yeah that's so true I hear I mean I obviously hear that from single parents as well

[00:26:25] as my married friends too which is the hardest thing about those early days was keeping marriage

[00:26:29] together while also having a kid and and there's of course so many pros and cons on both sides

[00:26:37] of that experience but the thing that I've been struggling with a lot lately is this question of

[00:26:45] and again this is really personal but my life has been pretty easy even this process has been

[00:26:51] pregnancy has been fairly easy I don't I'm not a lockdown super emotional

[00:26:57] living in the down stages for a while navigating out of that that much things are for the most part

[00:27:02] pretty stable across the board in terms of my experiences and if that shifts I'm usually very

[00:27:08] clear on why I'm sad or why I'm mad and I and I feel pretty good about being able to navigate

[00:27:14] out of that I am also very aware that there's going to be some darkness I think in some of these

[00:27:20] early phases and whether that's feeling alone or feeling isolated or feeling exhausted we're all

[00:27:26] that mixed into some awesome experience altogether is kind of the newness of navigating

[00:27:35] what might very well be a darker type of experience like that and I know there's probably going to be

[00:27:41] a bliss as well that and we'll move between those with fluidity but that will be a very new I'm

[00:27:48] grateful to say that will be a very new experience for me when and if that does happen I've just been

[00:27:53] like oh this is hard and I'm sad or emotional or exhausted that's just not something I've had to

[00:27:59] face too much in my single life but so I'm told it is coming and so being ready for it.

[00:28:07] I think the whole range of the human experience is coming just like you've are I mean have you

[00:28:15] navigated challenges in your past whatever they might be sure yeah have you overcome anxious

[00:28:21] moments or lonely moments absolutely yeah so yes the whole range is coming it's just that what your

[00:28:31] brain is picking up on is I don't have context for this what does this look like being lonely

[00:28:36] being a single parent what does this look like being depressed being a single parent what does

[00:28:41] this look like feeling frustrated as a single parent what does this look like feeling anxious and

[00:28:46] overwhelmed as a single parent I think we've all human beings have felt all of these things but

[00:28:52] just in different contexts and it is intimidating because of how our brains are wired to be approaching

[00:28:58] a new context not knowing yeah what it's gonna look like when you think about any of the challenges

[00:29:08] that come your way and you're in this new context what feels the hardest about it to you I think

[00:29:16] that me part doesn't I'm managing my own emotions and being able to kind of figure out where

[00:29:21] what emotion I'm feeling what I need to do about it pulling from my toolkit is by no means a big deal

[00:29:27] I think it's when you add hormones and the screaming baby into that and it's 2 a.m. it's the context

[00:29:34] right around especially kind of the upset kid and emotions that are gonna come with that that I

[00:29:42] definitely haven't felt as a mom though those are the times that I think those are the times

[00:29:47] too that people bring up the most which is off the late nights where your kid will end up screaming

[00:29:51] and you're at your max and there's nobody there to help you and the only thing that I can pull

[00:29:56] from at that point is it's fleeting it'll pass just like any other experience but I think those are

[00:30:01] the times people talk the most about so that's where that societal piece comes in right which is like

[00:30:05] okay this is gonna happen we're gonna have some nights where it's just us and maybe we're both crying

[00:30:11] and we'll get through it but I think a lot of people have used this phrase with me which is gag gets

[00:30:16] it's it gets dark as it gets it's real it's very very very real and just prepare yourself for that

[00:30:23] and so that's kind of an interesting new picture that I've been thinking a little bit about

[00:30:27] what does that mean to prepare yourself I think it's it's better to ask that to make it as a question

[00:30:38] to reform that statement into a question like how do I prepare myself for situations I've never experienced

[00:30:47] before and when I know there's gonna be times where it's gonna feel intense and I'm gonna feel

[00:30:54] ill-equipped to meet intensity I think that's a beautiful question how do we prepare ourselves for it

[00:31:03] I think I think to a certain extent we can't fully prepare ourselves for because we don't really

[00:31:08] know what it's gonna be and I think we're best also just being in the present moment sometimes

[00:31:15] as human beings and relating to what is in the best way that we can but I do think that there are

[00:31:22] things that we could talk about today that might be waste for prepare yourself let's just say it's

[00:31:28] that scenario of your alone it is 2 a.m. your little girl is struggling in some way you're trying

[00:31:38] all the things that you know to help soothe her but she's just not having it she's having a hard time

[00:31:45] and that could be the scenario or maybe many other scenarios where it feels like it's the straw

[00:31:50] that breaks the camel's back yeah and you're just don't know what to do and you're feeling exhausted

[00:31:58] and overwhelmed and maybe scared what comes up for you when I just paint that picture what do you feel

[00:32:04] in your body what do you notice in your emotions or in your thoughts I think with this change I

[00:32:12] think I've never made a decision that is is permanent you know I joke sometimes that the only

[00:32:17] things you can't walk back are face tattoos and babies this is a this is a permanent shift that

[00:32:22] there's no there's no out button right and I have wanted a baby with everything that I am forever so

[00:32:29] I say that of course with that context too I think also without having a partner there's no exit

[00:32:35] button right there's no hey I need a break can you hold this baby while I go walk around the black

[00:32:41] and the reality of knowing those little options are not there even though I know I'm going to want

[00:32:47] them in the moment and then also you know as you said it's like feelings I haven't felt before

[00:32:52] which is like I know it's gonna be a mix of frustration and exhaustion I'm also gonna be really

[00:32:57] bummed that something's going on with my kid right in the empathy that's there and so I don't

[00:33:02] know it's it's it's gonna be a lot at once which is something I'm not typically I typically don't

[00:33:09] have a lot of experience with that smush up the mash up of all the emotions you are very

[00:33:16] experienced helping people with all this mush up of all of the stressful things in their world

[00:33:22] and helping them make sense of it and helping them find a path forward so you actually do have this

[00:33:28] in you it just never needed to be realized in this context so there are going to be moments where

[00:33:35] it feels clunky and awkward and uncertain but I think there are a couple of things that we could

[00:33:43] remind you of what you already have inside that could help you navigate those big feelings

[00:33:49] in this context that you've never dealt with and you're not sure how to deal with it so the first

[00:33:53] thing that could help and this helps with childbirth as well is to remind yourself the only way out

[00:34:01] is through so yes like face at two's kids you can't get out of those but you're speaking to

[00:34:09] something that human beings we want to do all the time when we run into something that's uncomfortable

[00:34:13] and we don't like our first instinct as I want out of this I need out like no more I'm changing this up

[00:34:21] and when you become a parent and as you're trying to evolve as a higher functioning adult and a healthy

[00:34:29] adult a good reminder is don't just avoid things that make you uncomfortable all the time

[00:34:38] that you can make room for this comfort that it can be shitty like you can just sit there

[00:34:43] like I would recommend you just sit there on the floor with your baby and say calm and

[00:34:48] fold her but cry and say this sucks this has hard this is a hard moment this is really really

[00:34:55] difficult if I could get out of this moment I would but my deeper self doesn't want to because

[00:35:03] one it's not possible no one's coming no one is going to save me from this this is mine to do

[00:35:08] and two I wouldn't want to walk away from this moment this is a growing moment this is a moment where

[00:35:14] me and my girl are gonna be together not knowing what to do and we're gonna be together kind

[00:35:20] of miserable and we're gonna be together losing our shit and we're gonna be together that's all

[00:35:26] that matters all you need is to stay with yourself and stay with your little girl and just let it be

[00:35:33] kind of crappy if it's crappy and remind yourself there's no way out of this the only way is through

[00:35:40] and so you'll be reminding yourself through childbirth I wish this would stop I'm ready to be

[00:35:46] tired but there's no exit you have to just see it through and there is something so amazing that

[00:35:54] parents have even the most high functioning high productivity parents I know said that I didn't

[00:36:00] really realize how much I was capable of until I became a parent then you realize what you're

[00:36:07] capable of and you only grow that capability by pushing against having those crying moments on the

[00:36:14] floor pushing against it so rather than being afraid of that moment I want you to welcome that

[00:36:20] moment you don't have to look forward to it and want it but I think you can welcome it as oh this is

[00:36:25] where I grow this is where I learn how to be overwhelmed and not know and be okay because I'm staying

[00:36:35] with myself and I'm staying with my girl and it's gonna find a way to get through this this will some

[00:36:42] of the a little tool in your toolbell is remind yourself this is temporary it is gonna get better

[00:36:47] and I think that is a really big help for parents of young kids to know that every week something

[00:36:53] really big is going to be happening it feels really big and then it's going to be totally different

[00:37:00] than next week but you're worrying about your sleep without yeah and yeah for life it changes in the

[00:37:05] beginning it literally is every week and then it's every month and then it spaces out to kind of every

[00:37:10] part of a year or a year as they get older but there's so much change so just reminding yourself

[00:37:16] I welcome this moment this moment is where I get to grow there's nothing I need to do but just be

[00:37:22] here for myself and my daughter total mess I love that and I love that phrase and I use that often and

[00:37:30] I think you hit on something that I I want to touch on but I want to make sure you get to your

[00:37:34] second piece too which is the superpowers that parents develop in this experience that we don't

[00:37:39] even know are happening either right so the flip side of this darkness in this feeling not capable

[00:37:45] or less than or whatever there's a completely different side of that coin which is there's a whole set

[00:37:50] of capabilities that I haven't even tapped into that just happened when you become a parent or

[00:37:56] part of yourself you haven't even utilized that suddenly become your primary kind of go to is

[00:38:01] right but I want to make before we get into that I want to make sure you had gotten to both your

[00:38:05] points before we go there well I think another thing that might help in that dark cry baby moment

[00:38:13] is to remind yourself that what matters most in the parent child relationship is just that you

[00:38:20] are present and showing up you don't have to have it all right you can make a ton of mistakes

[00:38:28] you cannot know what to do and as long as you're there saying girl I know you're upset and I have no

[00:38:35] idea how to help you have tried everything I know but I love you I'm here for you in three hours my

[00:38:43] friends on the east coast will be awake I'll call someone who might have some ideas but until then

[00:38:48] I'm just going to like half awake hold you and rock you and remind myself it's okay that this

[00:38:58] isn't perfect and that I don't know what to do I think that I think that women tend to carry a burden

[00:39:05] of doing the right things saying the right things being prepared men may carry that burden as well

[00:39:11] but I think I know that women carry that burden in a relational context and just to really really get

[00:39:20] that you showing up and being warm and attuned and present even if you have no idea what to do

[00:39:28] and have no answer to it is the most important thing so you can't mess up your child and if you are

[00:39:34] being warm and attuned and present more than half of the time you can't mess it up and everything

[00:39:42] else is learning and I'm happy to maybe include in you have shown notes a few links of parenting

[00:39:50] coaches I have really great free content that I follow and followed like the bible and also

[00:39:58] a couple of books that I wish I would have had but now I'm now aware of that I think really help

[00:40:04] in that early baby phase so I would love any of those ones so some of this is just resources but

[00:40:11] I think the biggest thing is just to when something is happening and the shit's hitting the fan

[00:40:17] stop drop and roll with what's happening and stay close to how you just want to show up in your

[00:40:25] relationship you can be an incompetent mom who has no idea about breastfeeding and be exactly the

[00:40:33] mom your little girl needs because you just are present you're tuned in and you're willing to learn

[00:40:40] and willing to bestow on the not knowing clunky moments knowing that they're just a part of the

[00:40:45] package but doesn't have to define those difficult moments don't have to define and I do want to say

[00:40:51] one thing and let's talk about parents super fat powers don't underestimate and you don't know

[00:40:55] this yet because you haven't experienced it but don't underestimate the joyful moments

[00:41:03] because they do serve as a buoy so that you have more in your tank when it's depleted from those

[00:41:10] difficult moments don't don't underestimate that and don't in the moment forget to draw on that

[00:41:18] even when it's like I have no idea what to do with this parenting moment but just to even take a

[00:41:22] step back and be like but how awesome is my kid even though she's being whatever and how awesome is

[00:41:28] it that this is my life and I love her and this is a good thing even though it's really hard you can

[00:41:36] definitely draw on the bliss of your little one I love that. It's a source of strength yeah that's

[00:41:43] what a lot of people have said that to me which is just there's yeah there's this thing you

[00:41:48] haven't felt which is like this whole another source of your cut being filled which is this being your

[00:41:54] kid and so it's very different than when you're hanging out with someone else's baby who's

[00:41:58] screaming nonstop right it's just it's just a totally different experience and you're living in

[00:42:03] a totally different mind body and heart because it's just a completely kind of new understanding

[00:42:09] and I love the idea too. I mean we've talked a lot about I say sometimes that it makes a lot of

[00:42:16] sense for me in my dating life that I would meet somebody after having a baby because this is the

[00:42:20] thing that I wanted the most my entire life and it's almost somebody you know spending their whole

[00:42:25] life talking about if I could only be a musician that's all I want in the world right and then you

[00:42:29] become a musician you open up this part of yourself that you always knew was important to you

[00:42:34] and so it makes a lot of sense to me that this is the order that my life is going in but I also know

[00:42:39] that I'm gonna be a different person in this experience and I'm excited to meet her

[00:42:44] and see what she's capable of and see how this changes the the strengths and capabilities that I

[00:42:51] have now and gives me some new ones and I'm very interested to see what kind of bomb superpowers

[00:42:58] come out of this and I've certainly heard from other parents that they're like oh man I had no idea

[00:43:03] I was this or I'm more empathetic in my work or having a kid has affected my entire perspective on

[00:43:09] this other subject or opened up a part of me to pursue a career path I didn't even know

[00:43:16] I was interested in right and that's the stuff that I just find so fascinating as well as on the

[00:43:20] flip sao it changes you in a really positive way yes oh I love that I think that I think that

[00:43:26] to point out what you were just saying about the ways that things can change for the better

[00:43:31] think about and when you said that you're gonna be a totally different person

[00:43:37] I think that that's accurate and inaccurate at the same time think about that vase being shattered

[00:43:43] it's never going to be that base again so it is it is a totally different vase or receptacle for

[00:43:49] holding water but some of the pieces that you choose to retain and some of the pieces just

[00:43:54] of who you are will be part of the mix but the life experience of becoming a parent either naturally

[00:44:03] will let a few new pieces appear on the floor that you can play with or will require you to shape

[00:44:09] a new piece that's gonna fit in this spot because you need to have this capability that you didn't

[00:44:13] have before and now you're gonna do it because there's nothing like a child to help you say it well

[00:44:18] it doesn't really matter what you want it or what you thought or what you're ready for what is

[00:44:23] is and you're gonna deal with what is so jump in and make it happen so yeah you'll have new pieces

[00:44:28] to work with but you will have you can keep the best parts of you and also the worst parts of you

[00:44:34] usually show up on your stress and change and so you can work on those and shape those and smooth off

[00:44:40] those rough edges a little bit too so yeah you'll be a newly constructed person but still retain

[00:44:46] many of the things either of your choosing or that are the most important parts of the essence

[00:44:52] of who you are someone said oh go ahead I was just as someone said something amazing to me

[00:44:58] yet a day too which is that so often especially when you're just pregnant and this baby isn't out in

[00:45:02] the world that gets me I'm so apparent I'm doing this on my own but there's also this little being

[00:45:10] you know if you're not by yourself there's two people in this mix and that little being is gonna

[00:45:15] bring her own personality and all kinds of things and so that engagement also is gonna be

[00:45:22] ring up different parts of me or have we noticed things I've never noticed before and I mean

[00:45:26] I love spending time with kids for that reason above all I think which is they're pointing out stuff

[00:45:31] and joking about things and saying things that I would never see or do or think and so

[00:45:36] I loved it someone was she's not in this picture yet that you're thinking about but she will be

[00:45:41] in there and you don't even know how she's gonna affect it but there's two of you in there

[00:45:45] and she's gonna bring all kinds of her own stuff and I loved that picture because I was like oh

[00:45:50] that's so right like it's not just me navigating her or reacting to her it's like no she's

[00:45:56] coming into the picture too with her whole own show absolutely and they'll be boy in that and

[00:46:01] they'll be challenging that but it's I do feel like that picture is grounding because it's like well

[00:46:07] wait you know how to do relationships they get rough you know they get overwhelming but you've

[00:46:12] successfully been in many relationships and you have many relationships when you have her

[00:46:17] and it's the relationship it becomes a big gooey to help through those difficult moments as well

[00:46:23] I do want to say something and then maybe we can pivot to superpowers but I think that in

[00:46:28] this scenario being in that low moment reminding yourself the only way out is through

[00:46:34] and reminding yourself that it is temporary and focusing on being attuned and connected

[00:46:41] in present even if you feel like you're doing a horrible job as a parent in that moment because

[00:46:45] you have no idea what to do I think that while you're waiting for it to change or while you're

[00:46:52] waiting to get a little more support to help you or while you're waiting to get more information

[00:46:59] that would help you know what to do in the situation having a set of self soothing skills

[00:47:06] can be really helpful so in my mind in this scenario it's two in the morning you're not gonna call

[00:47:12] any of your mom friends at two in the morning maybe they said you could but maybe you even do

[00:47:17] and they don't answer because they're asleep either way I'm envisioning that there's might be

[00:47:21] like a three hour period here where you really are on your own as the only adult in the room

[00:47:27] we've got you and your daughter so you're gonna just be in the relationship but you're the only

[00:47:31] adult in the room and I think that finding ways to self-soothe in that moment can be really really

[00:47:39] helpful so I'm are you interested in having a brief conversation about that absolutely I think

[00:47:45] one of the biggest ways that new parents try to self-soothe that I think backfires is befriending

[00:47:52] Google there's no adult group on who either knows what to do or no adult women at all so just

[00:47:58] could Google this why might my daughter be crying for hours on end and I think that I would really

[00:48:07] everyone's different in what works and doesn't work for them so this is just kind of maybe my

[00:48:12] personal slash professional advice but to be really selective about where you get information

[00:48:19] on the internet and when I would recommend not seeking out information on the internet when

[00:48:24] you're already distressed yeah so I've done a lot of parenting Google searches and

[00:48:30] gotten some good info but I think that that information is better received and it's more appropriately

[00:48:37] applied not at two in the morning and so I think it's you at AM brain under a stressful situation

[00:48:45] plus nature of mom chat rooms and all the bad things that could be the reason why your kid is

[00:48:51] crying probably just has gas whatever it just doesn't it usually increases distress and doesn't

[00:48:58] help to regulate or soothe those discomfort so a few soothing gestures though feel free to

[00:49:06] ask questions or ask for more we can get as deep into this as you want but I think one of the

[00:49:11] things that helps us as human beings feel the most soothe is by offering ourselves compassion

[00:49:17] and just a reminder that like we're gonna stay on stay nice to ourselves in our head so just

[00:49:23] in that moment you're this is hard any mom any parent whether they were proud of partner with them

[00:49:27] or not has had many of these moments and it's hard for all of us like it's okay that this is hard

[00:49:33] like I'm gonna be nice to myself I'm not gonna say bad stories about myself in my head

[00:49:40] and I'm just gonna see this as one of these really clunky uncomfortable parenting moments that I

[00:49:46] will get through so being friendly with yourself and signaling like I'm gonna be with myself

[00:49:51] in this I'm gonna be on my own team as I do this I think doing things in your environment

[00:49:57] that signal safety to your nervous system sensory things that are grounding and soothing can

[00:50:04] be really helpful so make sure you have on that really cozy pair of joggers and maybe just

[00:50:12] even if baby's crying you can put her in a safe place crying next to you in her little boppy pillow

[00:50:18] and like wash your face and put some nice smelling face lotion on and put some you know perfume or

[00:50:25] essential oils on and then pick your baby back up and you can light a few candles you can put on

[00:50:33] some soothing music soundscapes on in the background just try to make the environment you can

[00:50:40] put the lights at a lighting that feels appealing to you so think about visual smells sounds textures

[00:50:48] eat a little bit make yourself a hot cup of tea do things that take care of your physical body

[00:50:54] and kind of signal comfort and soothing we're not trying to there might not be anything that you

[00:51:00] can do that makes the situation change you'll have tried all the mom things you know to help your

[00:51:05] daughter in that moment but if it's just kind of like we're just riding this out and we're safe

[00:51:11] but it's just kind of miserable or riding it out then your job is just to get all of your senses

[00:51:17] engaged and creating a soothing supportive experience for yourself other things that might be soothing

[00:51:24] are journaling a little bit about it just putting on her putting her on your chest and sending

[00:51:30] and bouncing up and down and then typing at your standing chest just journaling about typing

[00:51:35] about what you're feeling and what you're going through or just organizing your questions for maybe

[00:51:40] calling your pediatrician in the morning or calling your mom friend I recommend every mom have

[00:51:46] two mom friends that they primarily get their advice from and have it be two different maybe two

[00:51:52] different approaches so that you can learn so you don't want to crowdsource to too many people but

[00:51:56] I'm like two moms if you if you have that resource available that you can maybe just get permission

[00:52:02] to email in the middle of the night all of your questions when they're there and that you don't

[00:52:06] expect them to email you back until they have a moment in their day but you can start to make

[00:52:11] lifelines and connections for yourself in the middle of the night by sending out emails asking for

[00:52:17] questions and maybe trying to set up a little bit of social support more social support the next

[00:52:23] day for yourself and the good news about doing that as a single parent is you won't have another

[00:52:27] parent who's equally as exhausted as if we can't provide that for you the next day and you could

[00:52:35] reach out to other friends or family who can you'm like oh it was just one of those nights that I

[00:52:41] just needed debrief and and have a cry about or have event about and have your passie of either

[00:52:48] people who want to hear about it and just be there with you through it and have your one or two

[00:52:52] mom friends who like look at the crying all night be have no idea they could give you all the ideas

[00:52:58] that they would recommend you try next time how does this sound for you so that kind of experience

[00:53:05] yourself in these realms as well and the other tools you would coach your clients on for soothing

[00:53:13] no I think those are big I think we forget the power of some of those smaller things I even

[00:53:18] remember kind of thinking about that a lot during COVID when it was there weren't any options for

[00:53:23] getting outside or talking to someone or seeing someone a person and so pulling out I'm just

[00:53:27] going to take a shower and maybe this is the second one I've taken today it's warm and it's cozy

[00:53:32] there's a you know I let a candle I listen to music not minimizing the power of some of those

[00:53:37] really small things to regulate my own nervous system yeah I mean you bring up such a good point

[00:53:42] too there's this flip side also and it's not that it's not hard but I also am there with a child

[00:53:49] I've wanted my entire life so wait a minute there's this other flip side of oh I'm not by myself

[00:53:54] depressed isolated having really hard time wait there's this other person in the mix that I'm so

[00:54:00] grateful is in that experience with me and you know it's really interesting that you bring up kind

[00:54:05] of your go-to mom friends because it's been really interesting for me watching over the course

[00:54:08] of the past six seven years my friends go through this transition and the superpowers that they

[00:54:14] have developed and I've got this incredible team of women at this point that I am I kind of know who

[00:54:20] to go to for what what they what kind of categories of information or resources or support they

[00:54:26] thrive in and it's so fun thinking about going to them in these moments because I have friends who

[00:54:34] are healthcare professionals who are friends who are just phenomenal at discipline and celebration

[00:54:40] and all these kind of day-to-day small moments got these great categories of people to reach out to

[00:54:45] and they already know that they're on the speed dial I've told them I make the joke that you know

[00:54:50] you think you hear from me a lot now as one of your best friends but things are about to change

[00:54:56] and so I am really excited to then reach out and I think that will make I know that that will make

[00:55:00] them feel good as well because that's kind of one of the ways that they show me their love and

[00:55:04] support is to help me through that stuff because they have been there over and over and over.

[00:55:11] Gosh absolutely and maybe I'm speaking more to an experience that I think we both share

[00:55:19] but I think being highly educated you know business owners really kind of achievement focused

[00:55:27] likes to take on big projects lights to get big results from those projects I think that it can be

[00:55:35] there can be a difficulty and I think outside of that characteristic that I just described

[00:55:41] I think many mothers feel like I'm failing at this I don't know what to do I'm bad at this

[00:55:47] and it feels like our worth or our value as a person as a woman as a mother is diminished

[00:55:54] when we face our incompetence or our lack of knowledge or our lack of experience and really

[00:56:02] the beautiful part one of the superpowers that can come out of becoming a parent is that it's

[00:56:10] the most humbling thing ever and we shouldn't be bound by feeling like we should do the hardest

[00:56:16] job ever was zero training perfectly all by ourselves. We need each other to do it and so if it's

[00:56:23] hard for someone to reach out and show their vulnerability and admit that they don't know what

[00:56:29] they're doing and share difficult emotions with their friends being a parent is a great opportunity

[00:56:35] to practice doing those things so I love that you already plan on having people on speed dial and

[00:56:41] reaching out and asking questions because part of the growth process is starting to be very aware

[00:56:48] and very comfortable with your humanity and your humility and not having it all together not knowing

[00:56:55] everything but being willing to learn and willing to let people know that you need to learn

[00:56:59] and reaching out for support so I would say a superpower that many people get in whatever degree

[00:57:05] they had before it gets stronger is an ability to admit that you don't know everything and ask

[00:57:13] for help. What superpowers did you realize that you had when you became a mama?

[00:57:18] I think or developed. I think you have before. That is a really good question. I think there are two

[00:57:27] different questions like what superpowers did I kind of already have that really came out

[00:57:33] that I became a mom and then what superpowers did I develop? Okay, yeah. Okay so a couple of superpowers

[00:57:41] that I think have been revealed in this five-year so far growing journey for me.

[00:57:49] I think one superpower and I hope it's okay that I use a curse word in this. I've already

[00:57:57] used a few so hopefully that's okay but I think I give less fucks about a lot of now

[00:58:06] and I think that is a superpower that I got after becoming a parent is really getting

[00:58:13] a lot more comfortable letting go of things that aren't important even if I care about them still

[00:58:23] or even if they're important but just less important. I think I've gotten a lot better at in the

[00:58:31] giving less fucks about not thinking so much about what other people think and I think a really

[00:58:42] important survival strategy as a young parent is to create kind of a barrier between yourself

[00:58:50] and all of the unsolicited advice that you'll get and there's a lot of opinions too. That's why I

[00:58:57] say just have your crew of two to maybe four bombs and two to maybe four professionals that you

[00:59:03] follow for advice and then just cancel out all the noise but becoming a parent you have to

[00:59:10] care less about what grandparents think about what you should be doing. You have to care less about

[00:59:15] what you're sibling did. You have to care less about how your friends do it. You kind of have to

[00:59:22] and this is a superpower is just trusting yourself and trusting your baby. Just you trusting that

[00:59:31] you're doing the best you can with the information you have can change course and pivot when you get

[00:59:37] new information and trusting that your kid is her and you're attuned to her and you're just doing

[00:59:43] your best to figure out what's right for her and for you and so caring less about what other people

[00:59:49] think caring less about how I could be spending my time and just more about what I am doing

[00:59:57] and how I am choosing to spend my time. I think I still have room to grow in those areas but I

[01:00:03] think it is a superpower where you just you don't it's out of necessity you just can't care anymore

[01:00:08] and you can't do it all anymore so you just care less about the things that aren't really

[01:00:12] that important and you just fully put yourself into what is right for you in that moment. That's

[01:00:20] one super power thing I've gained. I was just going to say I think anyone who's pursued single

[01:00:26] parenthood or gone through IVF or any of that is probably I'm already getting a lot of experience

[01:00:31] with the unsolicited advice and not even advice I think people. Unsolicited pack or opinions.

[01:00:37] All of it yeah I think people are there's a lot of who's coming to live with you in those first

[01:00:42] few weeks and when the answer is no one their face and their eyes how are you going to do this?

[01:00:46] It's just I think it's other so many other people's experiences being put on me even recently

[01:00:51] a lot of people just well who's going to be there and who's going to live with you and

[01:00:56] and I think building that bubble around myself has already begun so I love that you brought

[01:01:02] up again because I'm already.

[01:01:04] I'm already in a lot of wanting.

[01:01:06] Yeah my F journey has helped you develop that super power and you'll be well equipped to just

[01:01:12] maximize that super power. Giving you real folks already in process.

[01:01:17] Yep. I give a few bucks but I get important ones.

[01:01:24] I think another superpower I think a superpower that I had and that I really relied on coming

[01:01:30] into this parenting journey is I don't quite know how to describe it other than just an ability

[01:01:37] to kind of take the long view on things and maybe that looks like patience.

[01:01:43] I don't always feel patient I don't always act with patience as a mom but I think in general

[01:01:49] I've really cultivated the ability to see things from a big big perspective so I do that with

[01:01:54] clients like what's the big perspective here I do that when I develop curriculum and workshop

[01:02:01] experiences like what's the big picture here what are we going for and getting that in that big

[01:02:06] picture and where we're headed being patient with that journey and just expecting there to be

[01:02:11] ups and downs along the way and difficulties along the way and being willing to just experience

[01:02:17] all of that kind and being able to keep that long view is a strength that I think I have and

[01:02:23] that I have relied upon a lot becoming a parent whether I'm having a couple weeks or a couple

[01:02:30] days of just kind of feeling off with my partner keeping that longer view this is a new chapter

[01:02:37] in our marriage and it is hard and I don't like it but I think that there's going to be a way

[01:02:42] for us to figure this out we might need more tools we might need more support

[01:02:47] we might need to have many more conversations about this but eventually like our feelings and

[01:02:51] thoughts on these things are going to evolve and we're going to figure that out or if it's

[01:02:56] something I don't know what's happening with a young baby it's like I don't really know what to do

[01:03:01] but there are a lot of people who know and I just haven't talked to them yet and eventually I'll

[01:03:05] figure this out eventually so I think whether that be a long view superpower or maybe an optimistic

[01:03:12] superpower thinking that most things are figure outable it's figure outable I don't know the answer

[01:03:18] yet but I'm willing to just take that long view knowing that it's going to work itself out

[01:03:23] and so I'm working. I love to use that that I know those are things that at certainly have come

[01:03:30] up another part of my life and I love that we're pulling them into this discussion because it's

[01:03:34] just not surprisingly reminding me and everybody else about what the tools they already have that

[01:03:40] can be repurposed and the other thing is we kind of wrap up here that I've been thinking about a

[01:03:45] lot lately is my my best friend is a midwife and she the number one reason why she said she was

[01:03:51] really pulled to this career was that it's the oldest job like there's no older job but then delivering

[01:03:58] babies and helping people deliver babies and so I find a lot of comfort too in the fact that

[01:04:04] there are just so many mothers right then everyone has gone through this everyone's experienced

[01:04:09] in a totally different way from urban centers to tribal communities so there's there really is no

[01:04:16] right way to do this besides as you said being present and loving your child I find a lot of comfort

[01:04:22] in that community even though I don't know all of them I find comfort in knowing there's mothers

[01:04:27] all over even my neighborhood and people I can call and they've all lived a completely different

[01:04:33] experience with their child and I just love that so much and find just a lot of balance

[01:04:39] in that thought just around hey I'm gonna do this my own way just like the other millions and

[01:04:45] millions and millions of you did it your way and there's no right way to do it as long as you know

[01:04:51] love is kind of that priority and so and and I think too I know I appreciate you kind of talking

[01:04:57] through some of that darker stuff with me and I think my primary emotion right now is just excitement

[01:05:02] to me and her and like start this adventure you know this podcast is called you and me kid for a reason

[01:05:07] which is not just a positive moment so even me having a great time but also we're in it we are stuck

[01:05:11] together more life and you and me and so I'm I'm so excited to kind of start that journey and see

[01:05:19] what she's like and and see what we're like together you know and and see how we transform together too

[01:05:25] so we're close we'll get there soon I'm just grateful to call your friend and want to be there for you

[01:05:34] along the way and as you're having the experience maybe we can think of other podcast moments to

[01:05:41] invite people going through the same thing that you and I have gone through into these deeper more

[01:05:47] connected spaces no I love that and you are definitely on my list of speed dials for the tools

[01:05:55] I am excited to build on the toolkit I've already learned from you and and have that with

[01:05:59] motherhood so thank you for always being there for me you're welcome thanks so much for listening

[01:06:06] to today's episode I hope you enjoyed it for more information about the podcast or me go to

[01:06:12] you and me kid pod dot com see you soon