Ashlee - Pregnant Single Mama

[00:00:01] Welcome to Season 2 of You and Me, Kid, a podcast about starting and raising a family on your own.

[00:00:08] Where I speak with other single moms, those still considering, and experts in relevant fields

[00:00:14] to give you a real sense of what the day-to-day experience of solo parenting looks and feels like.

[00:00:20] So wherever you are in the process, I hope this podcast provides some support,

[00:00:24] helpful info, and most importantly, humor. Thanks so much for listening. Now let's get to it.

[00:00:32] On today's episode, I'm talking to my dear friend Ashley. Ashley is a NICU and oncology nurse.

[00:00:39] She works a lot with babies and is also a cancer survivor. So her path to single motherhood has had

[00:00:46] a couple bumps in the road, but she is well into her pregnancy now. So we talk about the

[00:00:53] considerations around single motherhood, how she's managed relationships through this entire process,

[00:00:59] as well as what it really feels like to want something this badly for so long and have to

[00:01:06] fight really hard for it. Ashley is a lovely human being and has such an incredible perspective

[00:01:12] on this process, and I can't wait to share our chat with you. Let's get to it.

[00:01:16] You and I, I feel like, have had so many different evolutions of kind of why we've

[00:01:23] connected. We met because we both worked at an amazing nonprofit called First Descent

[00:01:28] that runs adventure sports programs for adults with cancer. You serve as a program lead, as well

[00:01:33] as a medical staffer on those programs. And so we met way back in the day. You know, obviously

[00:01:39] have been friends and have reconnected over this kind of new super fun single mom path.

[00:01:45] I actually don't know this, so I'm interested to know the answer to this. When did you start

[00:01:51] thinking about doing this on your own? What options did you consider?

[00:01:55] So as you know, I'm also a cancer survivor and I very much started thinking about

[00:02:02] possibility or the not possibility of having children after I went through cancer treatment.

[00:02:09] And I went through my treatment when I was in high school and it was back in early 2000,

[00:02:16] 1999. And so at that point, nothing, as you know, like nothing was out there to preserve

[00:02:21] your fertility. There were no options given to patients at that time. If there was, it was very

[00:02:26] new and docs were not going to halt or delay your treatment just to have the potential for

[00:02:32] you to preserve your fertility. It was not an option. So the first time I started thinking

[00:02:37] about fertility was in my early to mid 20s. I had a serious boyfriend at the time he broke

[00:02:44] and I broke up. And then I was about 26, I think when I saw the first fertility doctor.

[00:02:50] And that basically was me just being like, Hey, like a doctor had told me at some point recently

[00:02:57] that I could possibly not have children. Like I could start menopause at 29, 30. Like

[00:03:04] I just want to know my chances and what do I need to do? What should I be thinking about?

[00:03:09] You know, like I feel like I don't want to have the pressure of having to find a man.

[00:03:14] But right now I'm feeling that pressure and what I just like need to know more information.

[00:03:19] That was the very first time I met with somebody and I was living in Seattle at the time. And

[00:03:24] I think I was exactly 26 when I met with that person. And I think they left me feeling

[00:03:31] optimistic about everything and saying, there's not 100% sure that you'll go into

[00:03:35] menopause early. Like these are just information over time. You know, we're still

[00:03:41] developing post chemo and radiation and things like that and look it happens. That's the

[00:03:46] first time that I really started to think about fertility. And then when I was 30, 31,

[00:03:56] I was living in Chicago and again found myself single and started thinking, oh gosh, like

[00:04:02] I talked about this four or five years ago, but maybe I actually need to do something about

[00:04:07] it. And so that's the first time I decided I contacted the fertility clinic. I think it was

[00:04:15] one of the Chicago hospitals and went through the process and decided to go through with egg

[00:04:21] freezing for the very first time. At that point, nobody told me the numbers. Nobody told me

[00:04:27] what one egg versus eight eggs versus 18 eggs meant in the freezing process. And so I was

[00:04:34] perhaps a little naive to it all. And I had my eggs frozen, but they only actually collected

[00:04:42] seven total eggs, three of which were fully mature. So those numbers, as we now know,

[00:04:49] like what's the percentage five to 10% chance of having a baby with each egg. So that is very

[00:04:54] low numbers and I didn't realize how low it was until I had a friend that I would co-worker

[00:04:59] I was working with and she was like, oh yeah, I just froze eggs. I froze and I was like,

[00:05:03] how many? Oh, I froze 26. And I was like, what? But at the same point, as you know,

[00:05:09] it kind of helped relieve a little of the stress and anxiety off my shoulders knowing I had something

[00:05:14] preserved out there. And so I just went about my business for the next couple of years,

[00:05:19] just trying to find a man. When you were going through that, I try to be super open as much

[00:05:26] as people are comfortable about the financial business because I think it is such a big

[00:05:30] deciding factor on when you start, what options you pursue. Can you just explain a little bit

[00:05:36] about what you do for work and if any part of your treatment was covered or how the financial

[00:05:41] piece kind of has played out for you? Right. So I think initially, I know my first go round,

[00:05:49] I think I paid for all of the drugs, but my insurance at the time I was living in Chicago

[00:05:55] was good enough that it paid for the majority of all the like clinic fees were all paid for

[00:06:02] and covered by it. I believe at the time Illinois did have some insurance coverage as far as

[00:06:07] fertility went. But like I said, nobody followed up with me after that to say like, hey, do you

[00:06:12] want to go through this cycle again? Hey, your numbers don't look so great. Like, hey, nobody

[00:06:16] said any of those things to me. And I know that I paid all of the cost of the drugs out

[00:06:22] of pocket. And so that was, I don't know, I think at the time they were saying it would

[00:06:27] come out to about six to $10,000. And I think that was about what it came out to somewhere

[00:06:32] in the eights or something. But I definitely paid that all out of pocket the first go round.

[00:06:37] And then restarted all of my fertility, like preservation idea in 2020 is when and really

[00:06:46] went started it in 2021 but started rethinking about the idea of, hey, you're in your late

[00:06:52] 30s. You're not in a relationship right now. Like, what are you going to do? Being a mom has

[00:06:58] always been something that's been on my horizon. And I work in pediatric oncology. I'm a nurse

[00:07:06] and I've always worked with kids and I love kids and I love watching families and I get

[00:07:12] emotional about it because I just do. But yeah, I just have always pictured myself having

[00:07:20] a family and the idea of not being able to have a family. Yeah.

[00:07:25] Yeah, no, I certainly get it. So you got going pretty early, I think because of your cancer

[00:07:33] diagnosis and having those discussions earlier than most people. I think you froze your eggs

[00:07:37] probably quite a bit earlier than other people did too. So you were way ahead of the game,

[00:07:41] which is great. And then in 2021, you started the process of actually maybe trying

[00:07:45] to get pregnant. Obviously, COVID I'm sure affected that a little bit. So where are you

[00:07:51] in the process now? Well, so I will just give a little background, right? So in and you can

[00:07:59] do whatever you would like with this. But my background is that in 2021, I kind of got

[00:08:06] involved started with working with the clinic in the area and very much was just on the path

[00:08:12] of, oh, I should just get more eggs frozen. And so I was just going to do egg freezing.

[00:08:17] And then the doctor that you had recommended actually to me said, Hey, actually, your chances

[00:08:24] are better if you freeze embryos as far as in the long run be having a successful pregnancy

[00:08:31] given all the percentages and he's really great with giving all the facts. And so I kind

[00:08:36] of started on that path officially with him probably at the end, I think it was December

[00:08:42] of 2021 did my first embryo freezing and was able to freeze one embryo at that time,

[00:08:49] which given I know like your numbers, I was excited to have one but also knew that it was

[00:08:55] not a lot. But it could very well be more. But I was happy to have one and then went

[00:09:01] through a couple cycles of fertility just like egg freezing into a relationship I was in

[00:09:06] and then decided, you know what, like, I'm just going to try one more time to see about the

[00:09:10] embryo if I can freeze with my middle to freeze one more than it would double my odds in my

[00:09:16] brain. And so I went through that one more time last December, and then started the whole

[00:09:22] process had a little bit of medical issues in the middle to my history. But after much

[00:09:28] discussion this summer, started everything back up again in October and had a successful transfer

[00:09:37] and I'm probably gonna cry but I just went today for my seven week ultrasound and I am

[00:09:43] seven weeks pregnant and I was so excited. I'm just like blown away.

[00:09:51] Yeah, I mean, it's so amazing. I think this goes back to something that

[00:09:55] I've talked about a lot on the podcast, which is these numbers become a huge part of this process

[00:10:03] if you do IVF. I'm sure in the adoption process, like the waiting and the paperwork

[00:10:10] is the big lift, right? But the numbers when it comes to fertility treatments, whether you're

[00:10:14] doing IUI or IVF, become this thing that is so heavy and stressful. And all you want is

[00:10:22] bigger numbers, bigger numbers. And at the end of the day, I had one embryo and I am pregnant.

[00:10:28] You put in your first embryo seven weeks ago, you are seven weeks pregnant and you have another

[00:10:33] embryo left. And so by all intents and purposes, if we had thought that two or one

[00:10:41] wasn't enough and we let ourselves over the course of the past year, two years that we've

[00:10:46] been in this process be really sad about that number, we, I think would have done

[00:10:51] ourselves a disservice. And so I just want to stress that like you get to choose what

[00:10:57] you stress out about and what you don't. And like, if I can give anyone any advice about

[00:11:01] this process, it is like, trust your gut about which next decisions you want to make. If you

[00:11:06] want to do multiple rounds, if you don't, if you can afford it, if you can't, but don't

[00:11:11] get these numbers every few weeks, every few days and let them take you on an emotional

[00:11:15] roller coaster because you just don't know. You just don't know. That's my soap box. That's

[00:11:21] my little soap box for IVF. I do want to back up to one thing, which was you use donor sperm,

[00:11:27] correct? Correct. Hey guys, thanks so much for listening to this episode of the podcast.

[00:11:34] As you know, this season I partnered up with California Cryobank, the number one sperm bank

[00:11:39] in the U S. California Cryobank ships to over 40 countries and has one of the largest and most

[00:11:44] diverse selection of donors out there. They are offering my listeners an amazing deal for season

[00:11:50] two that gives you free access to their level two subscription, which lets you check out baby

[00:11:55] and adult photos of the donors. To use this code, visit cryobank.com or click the link

[00:12:01] in the episode description and use my promo code you me kid Y O U M E K I D for a free

[00:12:10] level two subscription to their donor catalog. California Cryobank has helped tens of thousands

[00:12:16] create the family of their dreams and hopefully you're next. Now let's get back to it.

[00:12:23] How did you pick your sperm bank and your donor? So I chose the sperm bank. I went with

[00:12:31] Seattle Sperm Bank. I chose that sperm bank in particular because I had had friends actually

[00:12:37] through this mutual organization that we worked for together, had friends that had become

[00:12:43] pregnant successfully through this sperm bank. And so it just kind of came with

[00:12:51] good recommendation. And so there were at least three different new moms that had used sperm

[00:12:58] from there. And so that's why I went with it. I did also just briefly look at the other one

[00:13:04] to see what kind of options were out there. And the other, I know there's several sperm banks out

[00:13:09] there and some of them provide different information than others. I did agree with

[00:13:14] you that I really liked being able to hear a voice recording and kind of get a little idea

[00:13:19] of the sperm donor that I chose based on that. I will say my trouble with it is my only

[00:13:27] trouble that I had was you choose one. And I know like you had given great recommendation

[00:13:33] by some like choose your top five, but then you go to choose number one and he suddenly has no

[00:13:38] sperm available. Then you go to two, suddenly has no sperm available. So I think I ended up

[00:13:42] with my third choice, but I'm happy with it. And I remember being so stressed out in the

[00:13:48] beginning of and talking to you about this as well. What if I choose the wrong one or how do

[00:13:52] I know which one to choose? And I agree with you that in the end, it doesn't matter because

[00:13:58] in the end, I'm seven weeks pregnant and I'm so excited to meet my baby. And it doesn't matter

[00:14:05] who the sperm donor was because they're my baby. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It feels like I think

[00:14:12] for me, and it sounds like for you as well, it's like I just needed to feel comfortable with

[00:14:17] the choice. And I felt like if my child picked up the phone to this person, that's the only

[00:14:23] way I really met her. But at the end of the day, like I really just kind of needed sperm

[00:14:27] and needed to find a way to help my little person come into the world. And I fully believe that

[00:14:34] my daughter is not half the donor, half me. Genetically, yes, that is the case. But one

[00:14:40] plus one does not equal two in this case. My kid is completely her own person. I am never

[00:14:47] going to know the difference between my daughter with one donor and my daughter with

[00:14:53] a donor I didn't pick. I'm never going to know. And it literally does not matter. And so

[00:14:59] I would say just going with your gut on it a little bit is the way to go and picking more

[00:15:06] than one for sure because they go fast. We interviewed Courtney Maddux from the Seattle

[00:15:12] Sperm Making Season One and really dove in deep on kind of the specifics of sperm donors,

[00:15:18] what the qualifications are, what the eligibility is like. And so if you haven't listened to

[00:15:22] that episode, I highly recommend it if you're going through the sperm donor process because

[00:15:26] she is so helpful and also really outlines all the resources that exist at Seattle Sperm Making

[00:15:32] I think would exist at other cryobanks as well for folks who are like, I just need someone to

[00:15:36] talk me through this and help me navigate the right choice. And it seems overwhelming, but

[00:15:42] after it works, it's like kind of a non-thing, which is so bizarre to say.

[00:15:46] I think about it sometimes that it will go from being a non-thing to a thing

[00:15:51] when we get closer to my child being able to understand the situation and us talking about

[00:15:57] it a lot more and maybe her asking questions about the donor, especially as it moves toward

[00:16:01] her being 18. But that's 18 years from now and I'm going to cross that bridge in 18 years.

[00:16:09] I know that you had mentioned about like adoption and those kind of options.

[00:16:14] And I thoroughly thought that through because I have my closest cousin, it was adopted. So

[00:16:20] I've kind of been keeping my just like radar out on his kind of experience as an adult and what

[00:16:27] feeling like not knowing who your biological parents is and what that meant for him.

[00:16:32] And if at all it impacted him. And ironically enough, just in the last year or so,

[00:16:38] his biological family, like his biological mom reached out and found him. And so it's

[00:16:44] interesting to hear kind of how that worked. And he's now, you know, in his late 30s,

[00:16:48] yada, yada. But it is interesting to hear somebody going through that kind of from the other side

[00:16:54] of things and like what that could mean for my future baby or my baby now. But

[00:17:04] yeah, I think it's always been something that's been on my mind and adoption is always an

[00:17:09] option. But yeah, I don't know. It's always something that I thought of. The other piece

[00:17:15] that I did think of just a few moments ago was I did have a co worker that I worked with who,

[00:17:21] when I kind of was starting going through things, she said, Oh yeah, I donated eggs many,

[00:17:26] many years ago. She's like there's some there's a child of mine running around there somewhere

[00:17:30] or young adult. She's like, and I'll never know them. But it's kind of cool to know

[00:17:33] that there's a kid of mine out there. And I was just like blown away by that because

[00:17:38] I've never met anybody that donated whether it be sperm or eggs, I just hadn't directly

[00:17:44] met anybody. And I was so blown away by her positive attitude about it all. And that really

[00:17:50] helped me to feel less worried about it and more connected to the idea of using a sperm donor.

[00:17:59] Yeah, oh my gosh. So I want to ask you about one part of your process because I think,

[00:18:06] I don't know if you're unique. I haven't talked to a lot of the other folks that

[00:18:09] I've interviewed about this, but I do know that you've been in multiple relationships

[00:18:13] and starting this process. And I want to just get your perspective on kind of how open were you

[00:18:19] with those boyfriends about the fact that you were pursuing this? And what was that conversation

[00:18:25] like? Were they excited? Like, I think a lot of folks feel like they're picking between

[00:18:30] partnership or pursuing single motherhood. And maybe some people are that's certainly my reality.

[00:18:37] But like, well, for now, I'm picking between mother and partner. But I certainly know a lot

[00:18:44] of folks who are pursuing this who are still in relationships or meet people while they're

[00:18:47] pregnant or a myriad of other things. So I'd love to just kind of hear like,

[00:18:52] what those conversations were like. Yeah, so the very first, I was with a man. And we had

[00:19:00] like just started a relationship, but I was already kind of starting the process. And this

[00:19:05] was back in 2021. We had been together for about five or six months. And he knew I was going

[00:19:10] through all of this. And I was open with him about it, but he wasn't he had a daughter of

[00:19:16] his own. And so I was open about it, but he also wasn't as interested in it because he was

[00:19:23] dealing with so many outside factors at the time fast forward a year and a half and we're

[00:19:28] no longer together. And I will say it was a bit of an emotional roller coaster because

[00:19:32] there was at one point when I was trying to go through a egg freezing cycle and they had to stop

[00:19:37] the cycle short because they didn't have enough eggs. But then the embryologist, whoever on the

[00:19:43] other end of the line said, Oh, but if you have a partner, this is a great time to try

[00:19:48] and get pregnant. And so I did pose that just like, you know, like how do you kind

[00:19:53] of walk that line with a significant other that you've only been with for, you know,

[00:19:58] 10 months or whatnot. So that was kind of a line that I did walk and obviously it didn't go

[00:20:04] the direction of pregnancy. And then I will fast forward now to the spring of this year. And I

[00:20:12] went through a mock transfer and uterine biopsy. And then due to my past medical history had

[00:20:19] some medical stuff come up that I had to halt everything because I had been hoping to get

[00:20:25] pregnant in May of this year and delay it by six months. And I met him in May. He and I are still

[00:20:31] going strong. And I will tell you that I was not planning on doing this, but posed the idea

[00:20:38] to him to come to my appointment today. And he came and he was so supportive. And yeah,

[00:20:45] he has been so supportive. And I've just been honest with him from the front. Like this is

[00:20:49] what I'm doing. And I've already made these decisions and I want you to be a part of it,

[00:20:55] but I also want to give you the option to walk away. And that's kind of how the last

[00:21:00] few months went. And then today he was like, stop telling me that I have an option to walk

[00:21:03] away. I'm in it, you know? And so for me, that was really huge.

[00:21:09] Oh my God, big day you had today. Yeah. Okay. So walk me through that a little bit. I had

[00:21:16] the immense, immense honor of coming to your embryo transfer. Having had a friend of mine

[00:21:25] at my transfer, it was so fun to be on the other side. It's also crazy that we used the

[00:21:29] same doctor. So got to see my doctor and watch the whole thing just from a different side

[00:21:35] of the medical table. And I do very well remember those first few weeks and feeling,

[00:21:42] I think, the most anxious in my entire pregnancy of just like, cause you couldn't feel the baby

[00:21:48] yet. And just being like, oh my God, is this real? I've waited so long for this. It feels

[00:21:53] completely surreal and I needed proofs. Like I needed constant proof and the wait between those

[00:21:59] initial appointments felt like an eternity. So how have you been feeling in these first seven

[00:22:05] weeks, physically, emotionally? And what was today like? So after the transfer are,

[00:22:13] I think those first two weeks, as you said were so long and I did what you shouldn't do,

[00:22:22] but I did start taking pregnancy tests. I take full responsibility for this decision. I

[00:22:28] think I fully just told you to hack the system because I hacked the system

[00:22:32] and I'm so glad you did.

[00:22:36] You definitely were the first that told me that. So I started taking it like day six,

[00:22:40] it was like barely pregnant, if anything. And then as you had said, it felt like maybe it

[00:22:46] got a little darker every day, but that did give me a little hope. And I know

[00:22:51] that it's different for everybody and it might not be pregnant. It might not show up

[00:22:55] pregnant for several days and that's okay too. But I was so nervous and it did call my nerves

[00:23:03] a little bit. And then I had my first blood pregnancy test lab, maybe 12 days.

[00:23:11] And that one came back positive and you're so excited. But then they say, oh, but you have

[00:23:15] to wait two more days and make sure that it doubles. And you're like, wait, I have to wait

[00:23:19] more hours. So it was, I feel like I'm pretty good about pushing stress away, but I will say

[00:23:26] that probably that week. So maybe not the first week after everything. There's no way to find

[00:23:32] out, but that second week was really just waiting on pins and needles for the pregnancy

[00:23:38] test. And then for that second pregnancy test to like have doubled and to be successful and

[00:23:44] for them to, because I remember sitting in the office getting my lab drawn for that second one

[00:23:51] and the lab tech being like, oh my God, congratulations. And I just was thinking,

[00:23:56] I don't know yet. Like, like don't congratulate me quite yet. I don't know.

[00:24:01] Like I'm nervous. And so I think in the last several weeks, been trying not to think

[00:24:06] hard about it and trying not to stress about it because there's nothing that I can do.

[00:24:12] That's the best attitude to have. Yeah, but I will say I was more nervous,

[00:24:17] I think than I thought today. I thought, oh, I'm not nervous at all. And then she took my blood

[00:24:21] pressure when I got there and I was like, my blood pressure is never that high. I must be.

[00:24:28] Yeah, but everything went well and then you'll go back. The next one's 12 weeks.

[00:24:33] The next one's nine weeks. So I'll go back in two weeks and then do another,

[00:24:39] I think it's another ultrasound and I don't know if they do more labs. And then,

[00:24:44] then they transition you at least what it makes it sound like that then transition you to

[00:24:49] back to your OB-GYN. Which is super surreal. I feel like for folks like us who spent so much

[00:24:56] time with these fertility teams. I remember going to the office the very last day from

[00:25:02] my last like blood work and ultrasound. And I've been coming to this, I've been coming

[00:25:05] to that office for two years, just like you had. And I like left the office and walked in

[00:25:09] the parking lot and I was like, oh my God, that was so anti-chaimatic. I was like,

[00:25:14] I should have brought them. I remember thinking so clearly like I should have brought them like

[00:25:18] some donuts or like flowers or something. And then the next immediate thought was, well,

[00:25:22] I gave them a hundred thousand dollars. So I think they're like good on the donuts. But

[00:25:29] I'm, I was so grateful, but it does just become such a part of every day, the check-ins and the

[00:25:35] calls and the appointments that all of a sudden you're like, you go to a normal OB, like a

[00:25:39] normal person. And the appointments are so far spread out, which also felt really alien to

[00:25:45] me after going in so often during the IVF process. Well, that is so exciting. I know

[00:25:51] right now the focus is probably just like enjoying being pregnant as you should, but

[00:25:55] have you thought at all kind of about the day-to-day and your job? Like is there a

[00:26:01] maternity leave with at your hospital? Kind of what do you think that is going to look like

[00:26:06] when this little person comes? Yeah, I have thought about it, but I've also tried,

[00:26:12] I feel like I've had so many negative things that have occurred in the last couple of years

[00:26:17] that I tend to be an overly optimistic person. And so I've been trying to tame my optimism

[00:26:22] a little bit. I had a problem. Yeah. And so for that reason, I'm like, oh, you should. And then

[00:26:31] I back up. Nope, nope, you shouldn't rush ahead and think about that yet. I had another co-worker

[00:26:36] at work the other day say that she was pregnant and she's at nine weeks. And I was thinking,

[00:26:40] gosh, that seems so early to tell everyone you're pregnant. Like I don't even think I'm

[00:26:45] going to tell my whole family until 12 weeks. So I have thought about it as a nurse,

[00:26:50] you don't get maternity leave, you just use your vacation time. So I also have had people be like,

[00:26:59] oh, as soon as you know you're pregnant, you need to sign up for daycare. And I'm like,

[00:27:03] but I don't want to jinx anything. It's so hard to balance being optimistic, but then

[00:27:10] trying to be careful with my optimism. I know you understand that it just fully that to me is

[00:27:17] so difficult because I want to think I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant. But then like the

[00:27:22] last several weeks leading up to this first ultrasound, I've been like, but are you pregnant?

[00:27:28] We need to make sure about this. I would love to say that the fear doesn't go away,

[00:27:34] but I felt relief at the actual release the day my kid was born. I think there was a big

[00:27:40] jump at the 12 week mark. There was a big jump in the 20 week mark when you're going

[00:27:45] to start to I think feel them, that helps a little bit. But like, I think you make a great point,

[00:27:50] which is when you've gone through this process, whether or not it's with a partner or not,

[00:27:54] there is a lot of, there's just fear that's in the process and there's heartbreak that's

[00:27:59] in the process. And it's almost like it programs you to assume that something might

[00:28:05] go wrong because we've been now been told for two years, like, well, you're in your 40s.

[00:28:10] And these are the statistics, you know, it just gets like you can really get caught up in

[00:28:13] that. And I had a hard time kind of shaking that even once I was pregnant, too, because I

[00:28:17] kept remembering everything that had been shared with me and I wish I hadn't remembered it. But

[00:28:22] I think, you know, it did get easier for sure as things went on. But the like fear and

[00:28:28] the excitement were just there were just a part of it all the way in. And now I have a

[00:28:33] live little person running around and the fear and the excitement are both there in tandem,

[00:28:37] too, just in a totally different way. So you just got to take it day by day for sure.

[00:28:43] And I will tell you those two week breaks between appointments are not as bad, but when they become

[00:28:49] five weeks, I definitely had times where I'm like, I just want to go in. Can I just go in or

[00:28:55] I have a friend who's a midwife and I was like, Do you have like a fetal monitor? Can we just

[00:29:00] check in on the baby? Which would make me feel good. But you'll get through it for sure.

[00:29:06] Patience is a big part of this stage. I had a lipid transfusion today, which apparently they

[00:29:14] do at seven weeks, which I didn't know because I probably have been thinking this far ahead.

[00:29:20] Yep. Very weird little. Yeah. Like a milkshake infusion is what it looked like to me.

[00:29:28] Exactly. And I met the woman, the epi-teen nurse that I have been emailing with for the

[00:29:33] last year. I finally met her today, didn't even realize it was her until the end. And she's like,

[00:29:38] Oh, you'll get an email from me. And I was like, Wait, are you Molly? And she's like,

[00:29:43] Yes, I'm Molly. And I was like, Oh my God. I didn't even realize that it was you. And to

[00:29:47] put a face was really amazing. But she did make a comment like about because I said I was

[00:29:54] very anxious and then I would not anxious. I said I was feeling nervous today prior to the

[00:29:59] appointment. I said, apparently according to my blood pressure. And she said, well,

[00:30:04] you know, started to say that it was going to get easier as the time went on. And then I said,

[00:30:09] Oh, I don't know. I had a friend that said, Well, welcome to the rest of your life. You

[00:30:13] know, like being nervous and being afraid that something is going to happen to your child.

[00:30:17] Well, welcome to the rest of your life. She's like, Oh gosh.

[00:30:21] I didn't feel that way. I definitely don't feel that way. Yeah. It's just a different,

[00:30:26] it's like, yeah, totally different ballgame. You know, when they're in the world, it's like,

[00:30:30] I hope you don't fall down the stairs. Like, it's just a different type of,

[00:30:33] yeah, I certainly don't think I have crippling fear every day. But those early stages of

[00:30:37] pregnancy, I was super nervous. And I think, I think it just comes with the program,

[00:30:44] a little bit of folks who have, it's taken a long time to get there. So when is your due date?

[00:30:50] July 19th. Okay. 2024.

[00:30:54] Two weeks after my due date. What are you, you know, I think you're, as you said,

[00:30:59] you're probably just really enjoying it at this point, but what are you the most excited about

[00:31:06] when this thing that you've been talking about and thinking about now since

[00:31:10] technically you were 26, but really for the past three or four years

[00:31:16] is actually happening.

[00:31:17] I think today is a really interesting day for me to have this interview because I'm just so

[00:31:25] overwhelmed with excitement, but nerves. And I've been thinking about it, but not

[00:31:34] thinking about like actually, cause not knowing and not wanting to get my hopes up.

[00:31:38] I mean, I honestly just keep hoping that whatever this little one is inside me,

[00:31:43] that they are healthy and that they are happy and that I'm able to be a good mom.

[00:31:49] And that's what I'm excited about. I'm excited to meet my little one

[00:31:53] and I'm excited to hold my little one. I'm just really excited to be his or her mom.

[00:32:00] What has your experience of sharing with people that you're pursuing this on your own been

[00:32:07] like, have you gotten for the most part support? Have people asked questions or been

[00:32:13] dubious? Like what has that been like for you? I think for the most part, like given

[00:32:19] like when you talk with younger generations, I think that most of the younger generations

[00:32:24] are very supportive. I think it's more our parents' generation than our parents' parents

[00:32:28] that are supportive, but just don't understand because perhaps like I think my dad hasn't

[00:32:36] expressed it, but my mom is fully on board and she knows how much I want to have a baby.

[00:32:40] But I think my dad was just, he's old school and like, well you need a man and a woman and

[00:32:46] that's how you have babies. But he's come around and he is fully supportive. And

[00:32:54] I did decide to tell both my parents when I got that confirmation pregnancy test because

[00:33:01] of all of the health things that have happened in the last year, they have known every step

[00:33:06] of the way of this last process. Initially I was being a little bit less, you know,

[00:33:11] exact dates of what's going on. But now I feel like they want to know and so I'm going to tell

[00:33:19] them. But they've been good enough about not sharing any information with the rest of my

[00:33:24] family. But my dad has been really, really supportive. And so I do think that's just

[00:33:29] an interesting, you know, like most people are supportive or at least outwardly supportive.

[00:33:35] I don't know what their internal opinions are. And I know that for my child, for our children,

[00:33:41] that it is going to be an interesting, as you mentioned earlier, an interesting hurdle in their

[00:33:47] lives and an interesting hurdle for myself too. And I thought about this even months ago,

[00:33:52] like how do you talk about the donor sperm? You know, or if not, I have a man in my life.

[00:34:00] How do I, you know, like if this man, my boyfriend currently, like if we stay together long term,

[00:34:07] well then I want him to be my child's dad. But if that doesn't happen, which relationships end,

[00:34:14] then how am I going to express their sperm donor versus father versus? I've thought about that

[00:34:23] and I don't have an answer. I don't have an answer yet. So.

[00:34:26] Yeah, I am hopeful this again goes back to me just being an internal optimist,

[00:34:32] I think like you, but I was in Montana this summer hiking with some girlfriends who both

[00:34:36] have kids and they're in partnerships. And one of the gals, her sister has a child

[00:34:44] who's transitioning. And she was telling a story about the child being in school and

[00:34:50] coming to school and day and just kind of telling everybody, announcing that she was now he. And

[00:34:56] that was that. It was such a beautiful story to hear because the parents had obviously gone

[00:35:01] through quite a bit of kind of emotion and education around it. But kids, at least in this

[00:35:08] story, they literally were unfazed. Like they just, I think there is a new generation of kids

[00:35:14] that are growing up with this broad spectrum of an understanding of what a family looks like.

[00:35:20] One mom, two dads, grandparents, single sex couples, friends who are transitioning,

[00:35:26] gender fluidity, sexual orientation, fluidity. Like I think there seems to be at least even me

[00:35:31] watching some of the younger kids that I hang out with just this awareness and open-mindedness

[00:35:36] at least to all of it. And sometimes I laugh that I'm like, oh my God, my daughter

[00:35:41] may grow up where they're like people literally don't care that she's donor conceived because

[00:35:46] there's, yeah, they're like, okay, cool. Like onward. Whereas maybe 20 years ago that would have

[00:35:51] been kind of a tougher conversation. I hope that's the case. Who knows what the world's

[00:35:56] going to be like, but I hope it's the case that it's not something that she would get

[00:36:02] teased about or maybe some of the things that might have happened in the past when

[00:36:07] it was a little bit more of an anomaly. I don't know. Eternal happiness.

[00:36:11] I agree with that. Yeah, I agree with that. I even have talked to some friends about it who

[00:36:18] they are like, oh yeah, I know I have a good friend who is a single mom by choice and her

[00:36:24] son is now 10, you know? And kind of hearing those stories and also hearing stories of

[00:36:31] parents who are really proud to say that they have a daughter or a son, remember it may be

[00:36:38] that the single parent by choice. And I think that that's really beautiful and it

[00:36:42] provides, like you said, a little bit of optimism as you know, the world's always changing.

[00:36:48] And I feel like in a lot of ways we've changed in really great ways in the last 10, 20 years,

[00:36:53] like you were saying, and I hope that it just continues to be more accepting of,

[00:36:59] you know, people knowing that, you know, there's many ways in which to have a baby

[00:37:05] and it doesn't have to be a man and a woman. It can be in countless ways in which a baby is made

[00:37:14] and it's still just as loved and just as beautiful. Yeah, what had you, you know,

[00:37:20] you're in healthcare so maybe you had a little bit of a leg up on this process at the beginning,

[00:37:25] maybe not. As you were navigating it, it's allowed to navigate, what helped you? Were

[00:37:33] there books or there articles or there doctors? Like who did you turn to to help kind of like

[00:37:37] bumper boat your way through the options, the decisions, the finances? Like what was helpful to

[00:37:43] you? Being, I think it has been a very long road to be honest because there isn't a lot of

[00:37:54] or there wasn't a lot of resources out there. It's becoming more known and it's becoming

[00:38:02] something that now insurances are either accepting or denying or now, like I had shared with you,

[00:38:11] which is something in particular to cancer survivors but there are now ways in which to

[00:38:17] get your medications donated or funded or different means of the process supplemented

[00:38:24] to help and I think that has become an easier process but I will say that like for me,

[00:38:34] I leaned, you and I got quite a bit closer because I leaned on you having been someone

[00:38:39] who's already experienced it or was in the start of experiencing it because I believe

[00:38:44] I told you about one of the organizations that was donating money or donating meds and how you

[00:38:49] could obtain that and vice versa. And so I think along the way kind of leaning on friends who have

[00:38:56] maybe walked that path and maybe doesn't even have to be someone you know but leaning on those

[00:39:01] resources of hearing those experiential journeys that each person has been on and hearing whether

[00:39:09] it be positive or positive in a different way or hearing about the various sperm banks that were

[00:39:16] used or you know their own experience working with one clinic versus another clinic versus this

[00:39:22] doctor versus that doctor and hearing about the different means in which they gained support

[00:39:28] helped me along my journey and helped me in making my decisions. I think a lot of it is

[00:39:35] personal, I mean it is you deciding what you want to do and what you want and how you want

[00:39:41] to treat your body and what your hopes and dreams are for your future but I also think

[00:39:47] leaning on other people is also really important or maybe even just leaning on one person,

[00:39:52] whoever it might be but whoever that resource is that can kind of like you said help

[00:39:57] bumper you along the way. Yeah that's why I started this podcast is I just had a lot

[00:40:02] of questions and I didn't know anyone who was going through it and I'd spent so much

[00:40:06] time kind of sorting through doctors and options and god the finances take forever

[00:40:12] to like slowly but surely piece together what this whole thing is going to cost

[00:40:16] and you don't know because once you're on the path you don't know how many of this or how many

[00:40:21] of that you're going to need and so the financial piece certainly is super tough as

[00:40:25] well. So I think a lot of people I speak to are trying to solve for problems that don't

[00:40:29] exist yet of like well what if you know what if this happens or you know what if I meet

[00:40:35] someone when I'm in the process or something and I always kind of tell people like that you

[00:40:39] will look at these options very differently when you're on like in the experience like

[00:40:45] you're going to look at a decision you're gonna have to make about an embryo in six

[00:40:48] months very differently because you're going to have already gotten 30 different lab results

[00:40:52] that are going to like in a nuanced way change your perspective about what you want and it's

[00:40:57] going to test how much you want something or can you afford something like you just kind of

[00:41:03] have to like inch your way forward and just make the next best decision I feel like.

[00:41:09] Can I I just want to add one more thing that really struck me through this process is I

[00:41:16] was trying to get sort of some opinions and met telehealth met with an MFM a maternal

[00:41:25] fetal medicine doc after hearing my story in my medical history he said honestly my first

[00:41:31] choice for you would be to use a surrogate that's right I forgot about that and when he told me

[00:41:39] that I just felt emotional and crushed and he said of course my second option for you would

[00:41:47] be x y and z and of course you can go ahead but like this would be what I would tell you

[00:41:53] I didn't realize how badly I don't think until that moment I wanted to carry a child yeah or

[00:42:01] I wanted the opportunity to attempt to carry a child and I think we all realize that and within

[00:42:09] ourselves at a different point and maybe it's a different moment in your life and maybe it's

[00:42:13] because this happens or this happens and for me that was the moment I realized to what depth

[00:42:19] I very much wanted to try and carry my own child yeah and how much that meant to me

[00:42:26] me that's so fascinating I think that's such a good example of just kind of some of the things

[00:42:34] that you're hearing even if they're bad news might change your perspective and I had a

[00:42:38] similar experience I had a doctor tell me I was infertile which was completely inaccurate

[00:42:42] but I do really I'm I am partly grateful for because I think it launched me into overdrive

[00:42:47] of like okay these numbers don't look very good I'm not going to wait a couple years like

[00:42:53] I am I am moving forward at lightning speed which then took two years to make a baby

[00:43:00] but had that person said oh everything looks great you're good I might have waited and I

[00:43:06] might have run into some other challenges so I am you know in the moment I was certainly not

[00:43:10] grateful I was I was rageful but I think it did kind of kick me into overdrive which I'm

[00:43:17] grateful for okay so now that you are officially pregnant and are just super

[00:43:24] hopeful for the next seven months eight months actually going well and everybody's

[00:43:32] staying healthy if you came across somebody who was thinking about this and they were

[00:43:37] on the fence or wondering if this was right for them or if it was something that they

[00:43:45] were capable of doing as a human just putting you on the spot what would you recommend to them

[00:43:51] during my entire course since the moment that I started on this path realized that you need

[00:44:01] to make decisions based on your hopes and your dreams and I would say if you have any

[00:44:09] inkling of a desire to have a baby start that now as you just said the process is long and it

[00:44:16] is hard and there are ups and there are downs but you know and you will know and if you don't

[00:44:22] know today maybe you'll know tomorrow or maybe you know the next day like I said it might

[00:44:26] just be something small it might be what a doctor says to you it might be what a friend

[00:44:29] says to you you're going to hear something and it's going to strike the chord inside you and

[00:44:33] you're going to go I want to have a baby or I want to have at least tried to have that baby

[00:44:40] and to me that was why I decided to go ahead with everything this fall as I said you know

[00:44:45] I know that I'm going to regret not having ever tried and so for me I want to live without

[00:44:51] those regrets and I want to have made that decision to try so my advice would be sit in

[00:44:58] your heart for a little bit and think about what in the end when you look back on your years like

[00:45:06] what will have provided you with a little bit of hope and a little bit of strength knowing that

[00:45:12] you tried um knowing that you took that leap knowing that you took what seemed scary at the

[00:45:19] time and made it into to something beautiful well however however that turned out and made

[00:45:25] those decisions based on um what your heart's telling you that's all I that's what I did

[00:45:31] couldn't agree more and I think that this process too is a series of like one billion small steps

[00:45:41] so because you meet with a fertility doctor it doesn't mean you've decided you're going to

[00:45:46] have a baby and this is the best path for you because you get blood work to find out

[00:45:50] what your baseline you know is it doesn't mean you need to move forward like you get to make

[00:45:57] a decision to move forward or stop at any time and holy smokes there are more half steps than I

[00:46:04] ever even realized going in and even once you make that decision to start

[00:46:12] it's still another three six nine months later that things can actually start so just making

[00:46:18] that first appointment don't be scared to go to that first appointment because that first

[00:46:23] appointment is the first of many and it might give you a sense of what direction you want to

[00:46:29] go or in what direction you don't but it doesn't hurt to make that first one thanks so much for

[00:46:36] listening to today's episode I hope you enjoyed it for more information about the podcast or me

[00:46:41] go to youandmekidpod.com see you soon thank you for listening to this episode if you or your

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