Annelise - Toddler Mom + CEO

[00:00:01] Welcome to Season 2 of UN Me, Kid, a podcast about starting and raising a family on your own.

[00:00:08] We're ice-beacook other single moms, those still considering an experts in relevant fields

[00:00:14] to give you a real sense of what the day to day experience of solo parenting looks and feels like.

[00:00:19] So wherever you are in the process, I hope this podcast provides some support, helpful info, and most importantly, humor.

[00:00:27] Thanks so much for listening.

[00:00:28] Now let's get to it!

[00:00:32] Stay on the podcast, I'm talking to my friend, Ana Lees, who I'm so happy lives here in Colorado with me.

[00:00:39] Ana Lees is one of the only female founders in the ski industry and she's 20 plus years into running the company that she founded.

[00:00:47] Ana Lees entered single motherhood a little bit by surprise, but has absolutely found her groove with her amazing little boy Jack, who is very close and aged to my daughter, Ellie.

[00:00:57] Ana Lees and I talk about creating space for yourself, after becoming a parent, how to manage the life before and the life after.

[00:01:07] And we also really talk about what we expected versus the realities of raising a baby on our own,

[00:01:13] as well as the possibilities of partnership and what dating and creating healthy relationships as single mothers really looks and feels like.

[00:01:21] I adore Ana Lees and I hope you enjoy our discussion.

[00:01:26] Thank you for chatting on the podcast. I think it's so funny that we reconnected because of the podcast, because you and I worked together in the same office building.

[00:01:36] I don't even know is it it might be 10 years ago at this point when I moved to the whole the Denver and was in PR and I was an outdoor industry.

[00:01:45] You were in the ski industry. We shared the same office building and I remember so clearly thinking you were the coolest just because for a number of reasons,

[00:01:55] I was in awe that you were in the role that you're in and I want you to talk about that a little bit, but also that you were in this like male dominated ski industry.

[00:02:04] And we're just this like ray of sunshine walking around the office always like you weren't as scary intimidating like alpha female or a total boss in your job,

[00:02:14] but really I felt like just easy to be around. So anyway, I love that we've reconnected because of the podcast and that people recommended the podcast to you not knowing we knew each other and that has been our way of reconnecting.

[00:02:27] So that's my long-lamb saying thanks for chatting today.

[00:02:33] Yeah, thanks for having me. I feel the same. I'm so glad we've reconnected and also love the way we reconnected. It's fun when full circles come back around.

[00:02:42] So yeah, okay so just to start typically I start with kind of the background of why folks decided to or became single moms.

[00:02:51] But I do want to back up just a little bit to how we met because,

[00:02:54] on at least you have a very I think unique position in for the most part male dominated industry and so would you mind sharing kind of what you do to come to you that you work for

[00:03:06] and then just a little bit about how being a single mom in that world.

[00:03:12] Yeah, went. Yes. So I am co-founder and current CEO of Icelandic skis ski company base here in Colorado.

[00:03:25] You know, it was it was started by myself and three friends that we've all on each other since middle school.

[00:03:31] So super tight group of pubids since expanded and evolved obviously. Yeah, I've been at this for

[00:03:38] I mean almost 20 years basically which is wild. I think the company has officially been operating for 17 years but we've all kind of been working on it for longer.

[00:03:48] So in that time I have held all the positions in the company and have, yeah, experienced quite a bit in a very male dominated industry as you said and

[00:04:01] I've been on boards and held different positions within the industry, both ski and outdoor and

[00:04:08] I'm just coming off of a full year sabbatical. So I've actually had some good time to reflect on what that all means.

[00:04:14] Yeah, it's been a spiritual journey for me in general. It's been a path of sort of self realization

[00:04:23] and of kind of stepping into my purpose and power and it's been yeah, just so invaluable for

[00:04:31] me becoming who I am. I mean are there any other female ski

[00:04:38] company founders? There are now there's coalition snow. Oh, yeah, we've heard of them but

[00:04:45] that's a full female ski and snowboard manufacturing company. So I think they're like five years old or

[00:04:52] something but other than Donna Burton from Burton Snowboards, she was the CEO of Burton for a while but no it was her and I

[00:05:00] rid the only like female CEOs in the hard goods industry for a long time. Well, for the

[00:05:08] question almost oh yeah that's in yeah total. Why didn't ever have anyone to look up to or or anything so I

[00:05:15] definitely forged my own path which I think I would have done man or woman you know that's kind of my

[00:05:21] personality but yeah it's been been wild and that's like a whole separate conversation podcast.

[00:05:29] Do you think being the founder of the company? You know obviously being a woman in a male dominated

[00:05:34] industry is a battle in its own right that I'm sure you've gone up and down in left and right with

[00:05:40] for now two decades but then becoming a mom let alone a single mom is kind of a new

[00:05:47] conversation that you might be having with your colleagues but since you're the founder and your co-founders

[00:05:52] are such close friends of yours do you feel like that allowed you to kind of carve whatever path that

[00:05:56] you needed in terms of time off and rest or instead of like fighting HR or creating a

[00:06:04] maternity leave policy or something like you know some of the girls I've interviewed have had to do

[00:06:11] yeah and for that I feel so blessed it's it's funny so the first child came in

[00:06:19] dislantic 12 years ago and that was our artist Travis par he was the first person have a baby in

[00:06:25] the company and he's kind of contracted work anyway so we didn't even consider like a parental leave

[00:06:33] policy or anything when that happened because he kind of works on his own schedule so that

[00:06:37] that was the first baby but we didn't like think about any sort of policy and then just with

[00:06:42] him who lost a couple years we've had six babies at Icelandic throughout the company my I was

[00:06:49] actually the second to last so we had started creating parental leave policy and maternity leave

[00:06:58] policy and things like that and we're now a big corpse so that's all required in the you know

[00:07:03] in them becoming of that so we had been developing you know policies and standards around this

[00:07:10] anyways but yeah when I when I became pregnant and was taking some time off yeah I mean

[00:07:19] I just feel lucky in general with the position that I have that I can work with my co-workers

[00:07:25] to create whatever situation is best for all of us and there's no kind of one standard

[00:07:31] you know one size fits all situation for us and it's been cool we've all kind of taken different

[00:07:37] approaches to what we need like men women yeah mothers fathers whatever so it's been yeah it's been

[00:07:44] cool and I've gotten to really craft the situation that works best for me and I just feel so lucky about

[00:07:53] that. Yeah you said you took a year off so how old is your baby now?

[00:07:58] Tomorrow he's a year oh my gosh I know it milestone yeah how I'm healing about a year

[00:08:08] really crazy I'm definitely reflecting like a year ago exactly today is when I started going into labor

[00:08:16] like my waterhead broke but no contractions yet so yeah the past 24 hours I've just been in this

[00:08:22] really sort of a liminal space of reflecting on a year ago and telling Jack the story of

[00:08:30] his birth then the weather is like pretty similar to what it was last year and yeah yeah it's wild I

[00:08:37] can't believe he or his past already it was so fast it's so cliche but it does go so fast

[00:08:43] on wild okay let's back up just a little bit so that folks listening know what I know in terms of kind

[00:08:51] your path to single mother head so how did it happen how did you make the decision give us kind of

[00:08:59] how how you ended up being a single mama story yeah great question because there's so many ways

[00:09:07] to be my single mom right oh and I loved listening to your podcast and hearing all the different stories

[00:09:14] so my path I think it really did kind of start with the decision to take a year off from work because

[00:09:21] I was like really burnt out and just felt like I needed a big change in my life and I had just gone

[00:09:28] through a big breakup and was just kind of dark night of the soul and I was like okay I need

[00:09:33] to change like I need to shake things up so I proposed a sabbatical to my board and got that approved

[00:09:39] and long story short on the very first day of my sabbatical which was January 17th of 2022

[00:09:50] is when I took a pregnancy test in found out I was pregnant so and that was a big surprise

[00:09:59] and not intentional at all I was casually dating somebody and yeah you know the little miracle

[00:10:07] came through and I did not want a child but that was not how I wanted it to happen if I were to

[00:10:14] you know have a kid so but full disclosure this was the third time that I had gotten pregnant

[00:10:21] and it was just yeah something about it felt different I mean obviously I was you know older and

[00:10:28] the whole time in planning for my sabbatical and my time off I didn't necessarily have

[00:10:35] a plan for what I was going to do but I had an intention for for receiving a new inspiration

[00:10:45] in life it was like I was just praying to open to the new people and opportunities that would

[00:10:53] have herald in the next chapter that was like my mantra just like oh my god whatever I'm careful

[00:10:59] what you wish for yeah it's that holy yeah I know I get chills thinking about that and so yeah

[00:11:08] that little gift came and I was freaked out I was like this is not what I wanted or you know

[00:11:17] this is this is not what I thought was gonna happen and so I was really freaked out for

[00:11:25] you know the for a while and I debated terminating it again and you know I went back and forth

[00:11:32] back and forth for basically eight weeks I gave myself two months to kind of like make the decision

[00:11:38] or come to clarity and I in that time I I talked to as many people as I could

[00:11:46] that would have that I thought would have some kind of helpful insight I talked to

[00:11:51] several friends who are and were single moms I talked to men who had been in similar situations as

[00:12:01] you know the father would be of like not really having a choice and sort of more or less being

[00:12:07] forced into fatherhood and what that was like for them so I just like as much as I could

[00:12:12] you know I took in all the information that was available to me so that I could maybe distill it

[00:12:18] into some sort of decision and then I just prayed and prayed and prayed every single day to

[00:12:24] for clarity and for the fear to like dissipate you know reveal the the right hat for me.

[00:12:32] Then one day it was like coming down to the wire I won't get too into like the spirituality part

[00:12:39] of this all but I had clarity and the clarity was like a full body yes this is absolutely part

[00:12:46] of your next chapter this is what you need right now it was one of the most spiritual experiences

[00:12:52] I've ever had in just like receiving you know like clarity and a message and then from that day on

[00:13:02] I haven't looked back and it was like all the fear was gone all of you know it just everything

[00:13:09] it was just like yeah this is this is what I need to do and so from that moment on

[00:13:15] I was like in the conscious place of deciding that I was going to do this and then I was going to

[00:13:21] do it I was going to take full responsibility for it you know not put any expectations on the man

[00:13:30] and yeah just totally own it and ownership has been like a very big theme in my life recently

[00:13:37] and I have just kind of looked at this as an opportunity to own my actions and my decisions

[00:13:45] and my future and all of the things so yeah amazing I love it I love it yeah we're chatting

[00:13:53] and you're sharing your experience because I think there's as you said there's so many paths to

[00:13:57] be coming single pin and a lot of times when you do go down the IVF path right like it's you

[00:14:03] have to be committed to it there's no necessarily surprise and it's this like full on commitment

[00:14:11] to wanting to be a parent and you have to really hold that as like almost your grounding

[00:14:15] through the ups and downs of fertility or adoption or whatever right and so I think it's important

[00:14:21] to have stories out like it I wasn't just like you know that feeling all around like there was

[00:14:29] uncomfortable with and maybe a little bit of grief right to kind of losing maybe that

[00:14:36] the sabbatical you thought you were going to get phoenix humphel versus the well and you got right

[00:14:41] in a lot of mixed emotions with becoming pregnant that we haven't necessarily talked too much about

[00:14:47] on the podcast so thanks for sharing being honest yeah you're welcome thank you for

[00:14:53] having me and sharing this perspective too because I know that this does happen quite quite a bit

[00:15:00] you know yeah and yeah so I love that so a couple of questions I ask everybody one the early

[00:15:09] days especially as like if this came a little bit of a surprise you had nine months to kind of think

[00:15:16] about it when your son did pop into the world how were those first few months and what was your

[00:15:22] support system overall kind of self-support what a dialogue like the birth and the first few

[00:15:32] months were like just blissful for me I mean really intent the birth was you know the most intense

[00:15:39] experience of my life but I was I was pretty conscious leading up to the fourth trimester

[00:15:46] around gathering as much support as I possibly could because because I was alone luckily my family

[00:15:57] lives here all within like 20 minutes of me so that was huge and one of my good friends set up a

[00:16:04] meal train for me and I don't know if you've read the book the first 40 days but it's all about

[00:16:12] the basically the sacredness of the fourth trimester which is you know the first three months after

[00:16:17] giving birth and how that is just a really important and sacred time to honor yourself as

[00:16:25] any mother and the baby and so I kind of set it up so that I was just basically like 100% being

[00:16:34] taken care of for the first three months with food and house you know help and things like that

[00:16:42] and my community showed up in ways that I could never imagine it was so beautiful like I got

[00:16:50] food delivered to my doorstep every other day or every third day my neighbors all came and

[00:16:57] like took my trash out my mom stayed with me pretty much every night I think for like two or three

[00:17:04] months she just lives 20 minutes away but she'd come at night and make sure you know that we were

[00:17:10] all good and she'd help with Jack in the mornings and stuff and yeah so without going into all

[00:17:15] the details I was super supported in in the first several months and it was I think that that set of

[00:17:22] really a really beautiful foundation for motherhood for me yeah get a couple months in there that

[00:17:30] it's been pretty rough you know after the the dream of the first three that was like that and yeah

[00:17:38] and it gets real of her sure but you know it's learning and like everybody says

[00:17:44] everything changes and phases come and go and sorry to not sorry to just kind of

[00:17:50] no no that was that was my next question was like okay when that when the like honeymoon stage a

[00:17:55] little bit of like having all that support and a lot of people that that stage ends very abruptly

[00:18:02] when going back to work happens right and so that's when that real real life reentry

[00:18:10] some people have three months some people have shorter or longer but what's your day to day

[00:18:15] look like now like how do you make it work on the daily in terms of being able to be a professional

[00:18:20] all being able to be a human and yourself and feeling like you're taking care of and then

[00:18:27] great question and our reduction as like has really inspired me because I'm still figuring it out

[00:18:36] I at first didn't have any set child care when I went back back to work and luckily I'm very flexible

[00:18:46] with my work and I work mainly remote and can do phone calls and meetings and stuff but

[00:18:52] I quickly realize that I can't get anything done when I have Jack it's impossible he doesn't

[00:18:58] have a regular nap schedule so it's just everything is is just unknown you know as as you know

[00:19:06] but it was way more intense than I thought in terms of like the not getting not being able to get anything

[00:19:12] done so I flailed for the first few months like I could hardly even talk on the phone it was just

[00:19:20] insane so since then I've two days a week of solid child care I give Jack to my friend Becca

[00:19:28] and I'm currently on waiting lists for a few day cares to potentially put him into full-time

[00:19:33] day care and that was honestly I think when you told me that like when you put Ellie into full-time

[00:19:39] day care your life kind of like came back and changed in a really good way that was just inspiring

[00:19:45] to hear and yeah it helped me even consider it because I wasn't even considering it I like no

[00:19:53] way can I put him into full-time but then having those two days a week are a nice little

[00:19:59] tease of freedom and like having myself together so anyways I'm still only two days a week

[00:20:06] child care but in those two days I get a lot done it's kind of crazy or I get no kind of

[00:20:13] punishment it's like it is in grow level what I will get done in an hour after I drop her off

[00:20:21] it's not just a blue insane my capability my productivity prior to having a baby versus

[00:20:28] my productivity knowing I have like two hours without a child growing on me it's shocking what I

[00:20:35] can get done and a wide range of categories like shopping grocery store work stuff calls and

[00:20:42] give my oil change like it's in full can do in like two hours yeah it is so cool I know I'm like

[00:20:51] what did I do with my time before this I just kind of wittle the way a lot of time actually yeah

[00:20:59] it's amazing I'm glad you brought the child care thing I'm too because I think we had such

[00:21:03] nice chat about this the other day but I think I went into having my child and child care with

[00:21:08] kind of this outside understanding or pressure or something that I would feel a little bit guilty there

[00:21:14] would be like a working mom guilt of dropping my child off the child care every day and

[00:21:18] I would probably be really sad to drop her off because I wouldn't spend time with her and what I

[00:21:23] have realized is very different which is a she loves it like that's her hearty time with her friends

[00:21:30] right like she's fully engaged in theirs art stuff and learning and they're outside and they're

[00:21:36] in the garden like it's so much more fun for her to be there than just be in our tiny little house

[00:21:40] like playing with the same toys first stop totally realize secondly I didn't feel

[00:21:49] guilt or sadness and I'm completely totally obsessed with my child but I didn't feel sad and I

[00:21:57] think it was because she loves it there so much and I started to realize she needed that

[00:22:02] cognitively and socially and developmentally just as much as I needed the time off

[00:22:07] and then finally what I realized too is like my friends that were stayed home moms or who

[00:22:13] are working and having their kids at home I'm not native to like that is for me 10 times harder

[00:22:21] then working with a child like being a state of my mom like I have 42 like I don't have that

[00:22:28] energy I run out of creative ideas do with my child especially now that she's moving around like

[00:22:36] I'm not cut out for it like that takes us in the so hard kind of human and I think I went in

[00:22:42] thinking like oh I'm gonna wish I was with her all the time and I just don't feel that way

[00:22:48] was really really surprising to me and I think very much against what like

[00:22:53] society tells us you know you're gonna drop her off and go to work and feel guilty and be sad

[00:22:58] and I just am not and I do that time to I mean I we talked about this the other day it's I would say

[00:23:04] 30% of the time my drop her off and then I come back and I now for like yeah you know or I see

[00:23:11] and then I start my day right like that thing that I need at baseline like eat a meal

[00:23:17] take a nap yeah take a shower oh just so key to me functioning at now I don't know what I

[00:23:25] don't know what I would do without it and I just can't help thinking about my friends with kids

[00:23:29] of all ages who during COVID just lost that like thought they were in the school zone or the

[00:23:36] dick is just totally lost it and man my my like and but the effort from I mean moms in general

[00:23:46] is like now just in a whole different category but oh yeah the child care thing regardless of

[00:23:52] of what you decide is the best fit for you is so key I don't know not just for you but for your

[00:23:59] kid I think too yeah you just like re-inspired me again because it it is and like we're not meant to

[00:24:07] do this alone and child care is a form of community apps so lately it's probably more natural for

[00:24:14] our kids to be in child care than it is for them to be alone with us at just like one person every

[00:24:21] single day might you know sick of me like for sure like she's like totally just like yeah

[00:24:28] folks in our like tiny little house and there's like not a playout no I'm like a huge y'all

[00:24:33] like we have a tiny tiny little place so like she cannot in fever and she gets sick of me and

[00:24:40] I just you know very quickly run out of creative ideas to like come up oh yeah you to do or go to a new

[00:24:47] playground so it deals really refreshing that there's somebody with fresh energy meeting me at 8 a.m.

[00:24:53] in the morning to make sure my child is doing all kinds of really fun things about this yeah because

[00:24:59] y'all sure is shit can't come up with all of that well that's huge and that one other

[00:25:05] thing that I just wanted to touch on that you just said too that I hadn't like really realized it

[00:25:11] because I am you know I think the first year especially and maybe forever but yes it's been

[00:25:18] lots of bliss and and also like very hard but in general I think I've also just kind of been

[00:25:25] on land could baseline survive alone you know and the fact you know you said sometimes you drop

[00:25:32] leaft and you just go home and take a nap or take a shower or whatever and I think one of the

[00:25:37] we don't realize because we don't have partners in this is that when you're doing it solo

[00:25:42] it's like you don't have the opportunity to like take a nap unless they're napping or take a bath

[00:25:50] or do some you know whereas and every every relationship every family is totally different

[00:25:56] some I'm this is not a generalization or maybe it is but yeah we don't I think maybe in partnerships

[00:26:02] you might have more opportunities to like just take 10 minutes for yourself and like zone out or

[00:26:08] whatever so yeah yeah I guess more more for child care and like that's also self care for us.

[00:26:15] Oh I guess it's my yeah 100% yeah I can't do a lot without it and I yeah I think I'm just really

[00:26:22] surprised like how much she enjoys it and how much and you know we talked about this yet the day too

[00:26:27] I feel like there's like five other people raising my child and I have their insights and expertise

[00:26:33] in opinions and especially I mean I took her for months and 46 months like I didn't know that

[00:26:40] there were different like nipple speeds for bottles I didn't know about that there were nighttime

[00:26:46] diapers I didn't know anything and so to have these amazing you know teachers kind of say like

[00:26:53] hey Sarah's probably time to you know switch diapers or it's probably time to get a new

[00:26:58] bottle for you or whatever even this morning I dropped her off and she's still drinking out of a

[00:27:01] bottle at 15 months and I was looking around and I noticed she's the only one that's

[00:27:06] still on the bottle and I said to the teacher like hey you know I'm trying to get her off of it

[00:27:11] reduction of the you can do with all of me you have any ideas and it's so nice to have these women who

[00:27:18] in men it's like they definitely have ideas they've raised a lot of really in children

[00:27:23] like they are going to be just these incredible resources for me and and I couldn't be more grateful

[00:27:28] for that yeah that's so cool God that's great yeah all that I'll take all that help I can get

[00:27:36] use that earlier you know obviously it's been hard you've got your right at this one your

[00:27:42] anniversary I'd love to hear from you how it's different than you thought it would be like in

[00:27:49] those nine months or just your perspective even you know being a little bit older watching

[00:27:53] your friends have kids or your family have kids what did you think it was going to be like

[00:27:58] versus what has it been like? No great great question one of my biggest fears about having kids

[00:28:08] was becoming very isolated kind of being forgotten about sort of oh I don't know if I'm

[00:28:19] articulating that but that was a giant fear of mine and then just kind of yeah like becoming

[00:28:26] like sort of a nobody like invisible or something so that was that was a big fear of mine

[00:28:34] and while it has shifted in ways like of course I can't do as much like I can't just go out

[00:28:48] on a random Tuesday night without thinking about it you know I'm not as unchanged and kind of as

[00:28:55] free as I was or had been I don't feel I almost I feel more seen in some ways and maybe

[00:29:07] you know less seen in other ways I'm trying to articulate it but yeah in general like having

[00:29:14] having Jack has kind of um I am out in the world in a totally new way and it's like such a cool way

[00:29:24] to meet people and it's such an amazing icebreaker when you have Jack because people love

[00:29:31] interacting with babies and not everybody but a lot of people do and it's just like such a cool

[00:29:37] way to connect with people so maybe I've kind of like lost touch with certain people you know I mean

[00:29:45] my social circle has absolutely changed but if I focus on the ways that I am connecting with people

[00:29:53] it's so much richer than I could have ever imagined because I was telling someone the other day

[00:29:58] we just went to Jackson Hole for a week and we had a really epic day at the airport we got stuck

[00:30:04] on the tarmac for multiple hours and I was telling someone again like what society tells you is

[00:30:10] like traveling with the baby is gonna suck right like that's what you hear that's what you prepare for

[00:30:15] and yeah sometimes it sucks but in just the way that you mentioned I have felt like I connect with

[00:30:21] people flying and traveling in ways I never ever would do before because I'd like get on a plane

[00:30:26] up with my earphones on maybe I'd take a nap maybe I'll watch a movie or read a book but like

[00:30:30] I'm not engaging and totally well yes it is more stressful people talk to Ellie they ask me

[00:30:38] that Ellie like you immediately kind of bond with the other parents there's like common jokes that

[00:30:44] occur you see each other in the gate you know there are people that have found that the people

[00:30:48] sitting next to me if they are grandparents if their teachers you know they have some sort of

[00:30:54] connection to kids or if they just want me to know out of the gate that it's totally okay if I need

[00:30:58] anything or I just feel like there's this humanity that I would never have seen just as a solo

[00:31:05] traveler and I really love it and on this flight we got stuck on the tarmac for like three

[00:31:10] four hours and then we were on and off the plane twice and there were these families of like three

[00:31:15] four kids you know in their first leg of a long day of travel and we all just really bonded

[00:31:22] like we ended up sitting so much time together at that point and it while the stress of having

[00:31:26] a baby on a plane stuck on the tarmac is high it completely dissolves the minute you know the

[00:31:32] people around you don't care if your kid cries right because their kid's gonna cry to it's from now

[00:31:38] and an hour from now we're all gonna like deplane and get a glass of wine together like just

[00:31:43] felt like we were kind of all in it I mean people were like sharing snacks like it was very

[00:31:48] very cool um I mean even even the flight attendants I've had a handful of flight attendants be like

[00:31:55] hey can I do me to hold your baby while you like get settled and you're seat and it's not just women

[00:32:00] and it's yeah I answer is yes a hundred percent yes I want you to do that with of course

[00:32:06] I would go get settled and pull my bottle out and whatever so anyway I've loved it if it

[00:32:13] the good comes with the stress I think yes oh I got so emotional when you were talking just now

[00:32:20] because I have seen I mean it really I have seen such beauty and humanity in having little jack

[00:32:28] with me you know like I think I told you about like going to our first festival music festival together

[00:32:34] and I had jack the whole time and I mean if I had to pee I would just like literally ask a stranger

[00:32:42] in front or behind in line or whatever if they would like hold my kid for three minutes while I

[00:32:48] know just strangers helping strangers and it's just it's and traveling just like your story

[00:32:56] and just so many stories like that I just think it's so beautiful and I think what I've learned to

[00:33:01] and I used to do this prior to having a baby was just kind of let you know if I saw a mom

[00:33:08] the three kids going to the airport or we were seeing next to each other on the other plane I would

[00:33:10] immediately say like hey if you need anything just let me know right and I have noticed that so

[00:33:16] much when you have the baby grandparents dads moms like there are people that know that as long

[00:33:22] as they just throw that out there even if you don't need the help it just immediately takes the

[00:33:28] way off and I've gotten a lot better about saying yes to the help um yeah at the beginning I was like

[00:33:34] I got it I got it I got my system and they're like put the thing on the security thing

[00:33:38] and roll the stroller and like hold the baby and now you know if there's like some cute dad behind

[00:33:43] the people that help me put the car seat on the through the security thing like great dad you

[00:33:50] know yeah he's helped yeah and I laugh because I've had three just like ridiculously attractive

[00:33:56] like smoke show dads help me through airport security of course they're married right and I look

[00:34:02] right at the the rings finger um they're all married but they're so they they're like so

[00:34:08] looking and I'm keeping up some deep hope that you know sometime in the next few months one of them

[00:34:15] will be helping me and they won't be there you know yeah yeah I'm keeping the whole blood

[00:34:21] but I do feel like it you know it feels good for them and it feels good for me and I've gotten

[00:34:26] way better about accepting that help and it feels really good to do that yep yeah people want to

[00:34:32] yeah okay well speaking of helping people I wanted to ask you you know we talked a little bit

[00:34:39] about how it feels different then you thought it would feel and and it seems like that overall

[00:34:44] has been a pretty positive experience for you right now in your one year stage with Jack what are

[00:34:51] the biggest challenges you guys are facing as a as a duo and maybe even that you're facing

[00:34:57] as an individual I know I feel like this top has been pretty rosy and yeah I mean I'm

[00:35:05] digging in a woman negative yeah I know it's one of my funny big meaty question without any prep so

[00:35:12] yeah the no apologies for the off-the-cuff but what are the things that are feeling really hard to

[00:35:16] you like right now today I would probably first of all is just continuing to find time for myself

[00:35:26] in terms of I want to get back into my body you know and and establish a regular or like

[00:35:35] wellness routine you know whether that's yoga or whatever that looks like from you right now I haven't

[00:35:40] even like tuned in exactly to what but so just finding space and making space for that is

[00:35:48] I want that to be a priority and that continues to be a challenge for me just because I haven't

[00:35:53] figured out super regular child care I guess along that line is social things you know I think like

[00:36:03] I some of my friends that also have had babies in the past year like they all just went on like a

[00:36:11] week long trip and I saw pictures of it and I got a little bit of like foam mo and oh they

[00:36:17] all went without babies without their babies and it was like an indulge only trip you know and it

[00:36:22] looked like so much fun and they're all partnered and you know occasionally like in this moment I

[00:36:28] got a little down on myself like because they had partners that like took care of the kid you know

[00:36:36] while the other partner went on this trip or they gave their kid away to their grandparents while

[00:36:41] they both went on it or whatever so I think I'm struggling with I haven't weigned jack yet so I'm

[00:36:48] very much attached we are both very much attached to each other still so I can't leave for like a

[00:36:55] night at all and I have had no one else basically ever put jack to sleep at night so these types of

[00:37:03] things are really big challenges for me like even the thought of like going away for a night or two

[00:37:11] without jack even though I want I want it too I just sorry I'm this is off the cuff for me but

[00:37:17] that's probably one of my biggest challenges is like when the fuck am I ever gonna like be able to

[00:37:23] be a week or a week or a week or like oh and like wow right like what is it oh it's

[00:37:32] oh but it's like levers you need to pull to yeah if you like okay because getting someone to watch

[00:37:38] him is in the heart part there's the no send them middle yes bedtime routine somebody you

[00:37:45] putting yourself in a position where if you do go away you can enjoy yourself and not

[00:37:49] stress the whole time because you have somebody watching him that you know is like ready to go

[00:37:53] nose the routine right and then there's all the logistics of like breastfeeding oh my god so

[00:38:00] it is it is a lot and I I laugh because I'm totally with you and there's this balance of like

[00:38:07] I want that like adventure that traveled that spontaneity back but it's funny I feel like

[00:38:15] I went given the opportunities I would rather hang out with Ellie more than I thought that I would

[00:38:22] and then I have traveled without her I miss her more than I thought that I would

[00:38:28] um and it's not just like mom's gone wild like babies at home like it is it was a lot harder

[00:38:35] for me to be away actually than I really anticipated even like yeah I was like let's do this

[00:38:41] and then it does kind of hit you um yeah but you hit on something that I think is really really

[00:38:47] big which is I assumed because I've been a part of my friends lives as they've had one baby

[00:38:56] two babies two babies four babies etc I got married you know and I think there's this state where

[00:39:02] people don't have babies but they get they partner up and then they start going on trips with

[00:39:07] other well first of all they go on a trip with their partner so they're traveling and they have this

[00:39:10] immediate spontaneous adventure buddy right so that's one of the other and then those clubs evolved

[00:39:16] right to like we have a baby we have a couple babies and they find different groups of people to

[00:39:22] hang out with or they hang out with all your same friends you're just the one that is in moving into

[00:39:28] that stage yeah and so the level and the adventure part even if it's like camping like five minutes

[00:39:36] away when you're not involved has been really hard for me and I think I just assumed when I had a baby

[00:39:43] I would be like in the family adventure club and get to family adventure invites and even like

[00:39:49] my closest friends like I just have it and it's not in any way them trend it's ludany it's because

[00:39:56] you know they meet families during elementary school and they have like a little crew there

[00:39:59] and we kind of do our own thing together but recently I've really shifted into the mode of

[00:40:05] realizing I'm gonna have to build that community for myself and coming from having such a strong

[00:40:11] friend network and support network I just didn't really I didn't think I would have to build a new

[00:40:17] crew I didn't think that I thought that my crew existed and I was just gonna fold into it even

[00:40:22] our kids are different ages and I now realize like the the that just doesn't make sense like if they

[00:40:27] have 10 year olds yeah and I have a one year old we're just in different programs and that's totally

[00:40:32] okay no one's trying to hurt each other but you know we're going to the mountains it'll

[00:40:37] wait with another mom you know and like I'm so pumped about that but those are the type of opportunities

[00:40:42] and activities in travel that I just need to start developing on my own and I didn't anticipate

[00:40:46] having to put effort into it but that's okay not one of the like aha moments I thought of the

[00:40:52] past six months is that I need to build that for myself and for Ali and that's okay.

[00:40:58] Yes and I will echo exactly what you said that that has been something that I wasn't really

[00:41:04] expecting to but I'm now like reconnecting with you really helped spark a lot of this and

[00:41:11] a couple other people that I'm like oh my god this is fun I great I want some new people in my life you

[00:41:18] know yeah we yeah of course actually I have to build a new community it makes sense yeah

[00:41:25] it absolutely makes sense it just like I grieved it a little bit longer than oh yeah she's and I think

[00:41:32] I tried for really kind of to make the old ones work in this new dynamic and and I'd like

[00:41:39] kind of surrendered to it and I'm feeling just so so so much better about it the one thing that still

[00:41:44] does get to me as someone who used to be really spontaneous with like her local adventures and

[00:41:49] her global adventures is um is the same kind of grief I had when I was single which is not having

[00:41:57] that one go to person that if you just want to leave on a Friday and you decide it three o'clock

[00:42:02] that at three thirty you're going camping a hold that you're gonna buy last minute flight somewhere

[00:42:06] you have that partner to do with you know that that was really hard for me as a single person

[00:42:12] without kids and it continues to be hard as a single mom um except I think it feels a little bit

[00:42:18] less lonely because I do have a little human with me but I was gonna uh yeah like I you know

[00:42:25] the other day I went on a really easy like local hype with Ellie and like 15 minutes and I just

[00:42:31] pulled around the backpack put her on the ground and she just like crawled into like the water

[00:42:36] that's how there was like a very life stream she just like crawled in sat in the stream and

[00:42:42] just like through pine cones around for 20 minutes and it just was a really good reminder that like

[00:42:46] for her this is a really big adventure and it was a really nice like hour for me and it doesn't need

[00:42:52] to be an international flight it doesn't need to be something that feels really hard and I don't

[00:42:57] I could pull 15 people into it um I don't feel comfortable like camping alone with her yet yeah

[00:43:04] so there's some things that I think I still need to shift but yeah I mean the the grief of not

[00:43:10] having that go to adventure partners is gonna be their kid or no kid I think and hopefully at some

[00:43:16] point that role will be filled yeah yeah yeah yeah totally I have two things just came to me when

[00:43:24] you were talking I love that little simple hike I've been I do a lot of that and you know I have

[00:43:31] really big beautiful kind of wild yard and after yesterday oh god it's I know it's such a special place

[00:43:39] and just yesterday I you know it's constant work to like maintain it but I love it and I kind

[00:43:49] of stop doing it for the past year because of Jack but then I started up again because it does make me

[00:43:55] happy to like maintain this land I love it we're just working with the earth and what

[00:44:00] ever way and yesterday I was like I got to clean up some of this stuff and I just asked Jack to help

[00:44:07] me you know and it's what I'm trying to say is like yeah life for them is so simple and everything is

[00:44:16] so amazing every single moment of the day for them is something brand new and so cool and if we

[00:44:24] can just like this is so cliche but slow down and realize that like it's really beautiful to see

[00:44:33] life to their eyes and it can bring me and us a new appreciation for what is there and for some reason

[00:44:41] that just like really hit me yesterday when it took me like 15 minutes to walk like 50 feet with

[00:44:48] Jack carrying a little stick to the fire pit you know but like oh this is cool and I don't need

[00:44:54] to like go up a 14er tomorrow and you know or like yeah go on a trip or whatever it's like

[00:45:02] it there is some some lessons in that for sure but their life right now is so special and if we can

[00:45:10] have gratitude for that like we do have this awesome little buddy to adventure with and sure

[00:45:16] it's not like a lover partner or whatever but um man is it special and I think the more we can

[00:45:22] appreciate and recognize and be mindful of that like the more open we will be to whatever's next.

[00:45:31] I'd feel like to the thing that I've had to kind of take a moment and recalibrate on is what I needed

[00:45:38] to feel adventurous and alive and vibrant pre-baby. Yeah it's almost like it's still my brain is

[00:45:45] still operating in that way like what I mean is like a big long day hike or what I need is like

[00:45:49] to travel or you know and yeah it's a really stop and be like but do I and is that gonna make

[00:45:55] me feel better and the time I've had a couple examples of times where I've done the thing

[00:46:00] that I thought would make me feel really good that was like kind of part of my old life like a big

[00:46:04] fun adventure and it doesn't feel the thing that I'm trying to feel whatever that is and it doesn't

[00:46:10] make me feel as vibrant and energized as it did before and I need to recalibrate to like okay what

[00:46:16] really is gonna make me feel good and maybe it's like getting massage with a friend maybe it's not

[00:46:21] climbing a 14er maybe it's going to the local park with Ellie maybe it's something without Ellie I don't

[00:46:27] know maybe it's a margarita we went hook for margarita's the other day and we like got in the bike

[00:46:32] went and got tacos because I didn't have any groceries I had a mar she just like through tacos

[00:46:37] around the restaurant for an hour and I was like this is off what we had a little taco of

[00:46:41] date and it was totally what I needed and what I was feeling I what I needed was like I show

[00:46:48] which I were camping tonight with a bunch of friends right but that would have been so overwhelming

[00:46:52] on so many levels so anyway just totally recapitant you what I thought what I think is gonna

[00:46:58] like sell my cup and what actually might and they're totally different lists. I love that I that was

[00:47:04] part of what I was trying to say so thanks for articulating that and and I think that of course

[00:47:10] I think that we're both still and maybe we always will be I know I am I'll just pick for myself

[00:47:15] but in a process of releasing and even grieving you know the life that we are leaving behind and

[00:47:21] that's a totally normal part of becoming a mother is yeah it is like letting go of what once was

[00:47:28] an opening to you know what is and what will be and there is grief in that and there's

[00:47:35] there's gonna be rhythm to letting go of a lot of that too and yeah yeah one last question

[00:47:41] and I'm also gonna throw a big meeting one at you off the clock but after being a mom and now for

[00:47:47] one year what would you say your single mom superpowers are who what have you developed in

[00:47:54] yourself that maybe you didn't quite know you had as one of your superpowers. Wow

[00:48:03] oh that's a really great question. What I'm noticing is just my ability to care for

[00:48:17] people and things and I'll put this in like a very concrete context like my dad actually had

[00:48:23] a stroke a month ago and he lives ten minutes from me and we're very close and so I've essentially

[00:48:30] been caretaking for him too and I have two dogs because his dog too and Jack and you know

[00:48:39] house and business and everything but this and maybe it would have been the same without Jack

[00:48:45] but I've just noticed my I guess I used to have a resistance towards like

[00:48:52] that sounds terrible but like caring for people or like using my time to like help people and

[00:49:00] seven maybe I was just selfish or who knows I'm not gonna like over analyze that and I'll just try

[00:49:05] to keep it simple but I just feel so much less resistance towards serving or helping people

[00:49:13] or yeah that's like a weird answer but it's a very visceral thing that I'm noticing in myself

[00:49:20] of like or like a neighbor needs help or I will kind of like yeah like let down my own needs and

[00:49:27] not in it it doesn't feel unhealthy but to like help someone else whether that's Jack or a family

[00:49:32] member or a neighbor or an animal or whatever it just feels like that flows way more naturally for me

[00:49:39] so and that feels like a superpower because it doesn't feel like I'm sacrificing it just feels like

[00:49:46] I'm doing what needs to be done and that feels natural and like it's this love that was like

[00:49:51] unlocked in me you know the moment I gave birth to Jack that is just like a universal love not seems

[00:49:57] like I'm I love it howling myself a little bit big but it does it's like this endless

[00:50:04] supply of like love and care that I have never experienced before and that absolutely feels like a

[00:50:10] superpower oh I love that oh my gosh I'm sorry that you're dealing with that with your family but

[00:50:16] I'm glad you're feeling like you have an extra supply of energy and care to set up and support them

[00:50:23] like they've been doing with you so well I know where time I know you have very busy life as

[00:50:29] you were just talking about I just wanted to say thank you so much for chatting

[00:50:33] I really appreciate your perspective I think it's really unique and I just love that we've reconnected

[00:50:40] and we can have these conversations because I think we've had really fairly similar experiences and so it's

[00:50:44] nice to have a buddy through all this and congrats on one year you did it yeah you made a thing

[00:50:51] I hope you guys will find us to celebrate together yeah big time and thank you again for having me

[00:50:56] and thank you for this podcast I just think that this is such an important topic for so many people

[00:51:03] in general and yeah just think you're doing God's work with this podcast so thanks for having

[00:51:10] my perspective on oh thanks buddy thanks so much for listening to today's episode I hope you enjoyed it

[00:51:19] from more information about the podcast or we go to uannbekidpod.com see you soon

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