Anna - Pregnant Single Mom of a Toddler

[00:00:01] Welcome to Season 2 of You and Me, Kid, a podcast about starting and raising a family on your own. Where I speak with other single moms, those still considering, and experts in relevant fields to give you a real sense of what the day-to-day experience of solo parenting

[00:00:18] looks and feels like. So wherever you are in the process, I hope this podcast provides some support, helpful info, and most importantly, humor. Thanks so much for listening. Now let's get to it. In today's episode, I'm talking to an amazing mom here in Colorado named Anna.

[00:00:36] Anna is a teacher, she has a 5-year-old, and she also is pregnant with her second baby. Anna lives with two other single moms in Longmont, Colorado, and they really found each other and have created this incredible household that's affordable and accessible

[00:00:53] and creative and it sounds like hugely successful. Anna and I talk a lot about how that community really works for them, how each one of those moms parents differently as well as similarly to each other.

[00:01:06] And we talk about what she's expecting as she grows her family from one to two. I hope you enjoy my discussion with Anna and let's get to it. Hey, guys, thanks so much for listening to this episode of the podcast.

[00:01:19] As you know, this season, I partnered up with California Cryobank, the number one sperm bank in the U.S. California Cryobank ships to over 40 countries and has one of the largest and most diverse selection of donors out there.

[00:01:32] They're offering my listeners an amazing deal for season two that gives you free access to their level two subscription, which lets you check out baby and adult photos of the donors. To use this code, visit cryobank.com or click the

[00:01:47] link in the episode description and use my promo code UMEKID, Y-O-U-M-E-K-I-D for a free level two subscription to their donor catalog. California Cryobank has helped tens of thousands create the family of their dreams and hopefully you're next. Now, let's get back to it.

[00:02:08] OK, Anna, I have to I don't want to bury the lead in terms of what I'm dying to talk to you about. And that is not two parts that I'm dying to talk to you about.

[00:02:18] One is that you are a single mama of one baby now and you're having your second baby when? The summer? March 22nd. Oh, my gosh. Right around the corner. And then the most amazing thing that I am dying to ask you a million questions

[00:02:34] about is that you live with three other single moms in a house together. Is that correct? I live with two other single moms, so there's three of us total and our children. There is four children. They're all boys now. There will be five in March. All boys.

[00:02:55] Oh, my God. How did that I want to talk about your kind of journey and I and how you decided to have a second baby as well. But how did the living together thing come about? Yeah, it's related to so I was married with my first and.

[00:03:13] Gave birth and became a single mom for months and two births. It is not a co-parenting situation. It is. I am completely a single mother of my first child and I am someone that very much has always really valued community, has always really valued just doing

[00:03:37] life with people. And it was actually a goal of my ex-husband and I to live in community. We were building like in the mountains on this property. With that intention in mind. So as soon as I became a single mother, I was that goal never really left.

[00:03:57] It just kind of transformed and became could I live with other single moms? And we really just like support each other in this crazy journey. How did you guys meet? I found these particular women that I am now living with on Facebook, which

[00:04:16] God or whoever you want to call, you know, the creator of the universe, the universe, whatever brings me blessings in the form of Facebook like all the time, like I'm truly all the time. Oh my gosh. Facebook is the key to your manifestation. It is. It is like.

[00:04:36] I got to get back on Facebook. So anyways, I found these women on Facebook and truly like just the fact that they were on Facebook, I was like, okay, this is a sign. And then I start reading their, like what they were looking for.

[00:04:52] They had already been living together and they were looking for a third mom. And they just sort of spoke their vision of what they were already doing, what they were hoping to do. It was very much about, you know, conscious community and they have a

[00:05:10] garden and wanted to get chickens, you know, wanted to support each other as mothers and their house was just adorable. So anyways, I read their vision and I mean, I immediately was like, oh my gosh, here it is. Like this is what I've been looking for.

[00:05:27] I mean, I just reached out in it and it was a natural. So then here we are. Here we are. And I can imagine also, especially in the place where we live, where, you know, owning real estate, renting real estate is really expensive.

[00:05:40] That it's a great affordable option too. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that like, that was one of the things though, that like they were really trying hard not to just find somebody that saw it as a cheap place to live. Yeah.

[00:05:56] Like it was really much more intentional and much more, more than that. And I think the fact that I immediately saw that was like, what had them say yes to me because a couple of people did reach out.

[00:06:11] They had, I mean, there was another woman that was like also going to maybe move in at one point, but me getting to move in with my son was what worked out. So yeah, it was love that.

[00:06:23] And how do you guys kind of share the household management and kids or kids kind of some going to school, is everyone in the house kind of talk me through the day to day of how this little family works. Yes. And it very much is a little family.

[00:06:40] So we have, like I said, four boys and they're all five and under. Wow. Which is kind of crazy. Um, not give away, but it's also lovely. And the whole house is just padded. Right? Yes. Yeah.

[00:07:00] We actually, I would assume you have a lot of like gross motor, like areas and things for them to do, but then we have like tons of cushioning around those areas. I can only imagine. At this point, they all go to some form of school at one point.

[00:07:17] One of them was being homeschooled. And so, you know, during the days, two of the three of us work from home. I am a teacher. So I go to school most days and, um, come back with my son. He goes to school, um, where I work.

[00:07:37] So, you know, during the day we're, we're all kind of doing our own thing, but evenings, we do like meal sharing, cooking sharing. We have lots of house meetings. Some are just for fun. And some are more like vision building or, you know, talking about some new ideas

[00:07:58] somebody has or like just logistics, figuring different holidays out, that kind of thing. Um, and then on the weekends, it's a little bit more of a free for all, like whoever is around. Yeah, we were definitely still in the experimental stage in terms of like.

[00:08:16] Who's watching the kids win. Because that's something that we've definitely had to like navigate around and just get pretty intentional about because they are still so little. They really do require at least one of us to be watching at all times. So, sure. Yeah.

[00:08:36] But if you need sometimes yourself or you need to, you know, do some work in the evening or go meet a friend or something like that is that are those gals available to you as folks who can watch your son? Yes, we have shared childcare responsibilities.

[00:08:54] At this point, it's really organic. We do have some like set times, for example, where we've decided like in the evenings after seven, like everybody is the way we've divided the house. There's three levels. And so I'm in the middle level.

[00:09:11] One of the moms is on the top level and one of the moms is on the bottom level and so at seven, we have chosen to make it kind of like separate time. So all children are with their mom on their level. Oh, wow.

[00:09:28] Like, yeah, organically, like we will just ask each other if like one of us has a meeting and we need childcare for it and we do really try hard actually not to like over rely on each other.

[00:09:42] Like, yeah, all three of us will either pay for our own nannies or like my parents live in town, so grandma and grandpa will help out and I'll go to them before I go to my roommates. But it's definitely like a good thing to know that they're there,

[00:09:58] like in a pinch kind of thing. Let me just kind of focus in on your job and how you and your son make it work for a second, because you said that you were a teacher.

[00:10:08] A lot of the folks that I've spoken to, you know, in the first season, whether it's by choice or because of COVID are working from home. You're not. And so I would love to just kind of hear from you.

[00:10:21] It sounds like you were doing this on your own fairly early into the process of being a mom. How did you make that work, being out of the home when your child was little?

[00:10:31] And how do you make it work kind of having a job you need to show up for every day and having a kiddo at the same time? Yeah. Well, yeah. So I have been doing it on my own since he was three months old.

[00:10:46] And it has always been a strong value of mine. It still is like above money, above any kind of fancy lifestyle. I am like, like if I could be a stay at home mom, I would in a heartbeat.

[00:11:03] And so I have very much like set up our life to be as close to that as possible, like since he was born. So actually, when he until he was about two and a half. Thankfully, COVID really helps. Oh, yeah.

[00:11:20] Did kind of quote work from home, but it was like so relaxed and so just kind of a joke, like most people's lives at that time. So I was home with him most of the time until he was about two and a half,

[00:11:34] which I will always be grateful for because there's no explanation for why that happened. Like it doesn't even make sense, but the world was a different place for a few years, but that's just what happened. And then at about two and a half years old,

[00:11:52] he started going to a Montessori preschool, like a couple of days a week. Which allowed me to work very, very part time. But then the other days of the week, it still was like about me and him time, me and him time.

[00:12:07] And I did that until he was about four and then at, well, maybe three and a half and about three and a half. I started. I said, you know what? The next best thing is if I can be in his school, like maybe even in his classroom.

[00:12:23] And so I basically been doing that since he was three and a half because I still feel like I get to see him all the time. We have the same days off. We have the exact same schedule.

[00:12:34] You know, I have the summers two weeks off for Christmas break. It's just like every decision I've made in terms of work has been about like just making sure I have the most time with them that I can because I just really value it.

[00:12:50] And it's ultimately like what I want to be doing with my time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love that. Oh, my gosh. I can't believe you get to be with him every day. That's incredible. Yeah, I'm not in his classroom and, you know, that became a better choice

[00:13:07] for him as well. But I do see him every day. You know, I'm always at his recess, for example. I'm in his classroom several times a week. And then but then the biggest thing really is like we go to work

[00:13:20] at the same time, we leave the same time. He goes to his office. You go to your office. Exactly. We're either working or we're not. So so she's five. He is he's on kindergarten. Oh, my gosh. And how and when did you start

[00:13:41] thinking about having a second baby? Yes. Well, I always wanted a big family. I was not expecting to get a three month spartan. You know, so it was actually very heartbreaking for me because I was 35 when I had my son.

[00:14:05] You know, that's kind of right in the middle of like, I mean, it's not even childbearing years already. It was like already old. So I was completely heartbroken about that because I I kind of the whole time was like, wow, this really might be my last

[00:14:19] because I don't know. Anyways, point is, I wanted one and always thought I would. And so, you know, without taking away time from him, I've been open to dating since I've been single. I did meet somebody and we are still together and we don't live together.

[00:14:40] He very much respects how slowly I've had to take things because because I do already have a kid. But we're you know, he's not a father yet, but I just know that he's going to be a great father. And his family is very supportive.

[00:14:56] We didn't even know if I would be fertile still. I'm 40. And so I really didn't. I even still like when we made the decision to start trying, it was still like this might not be possible thing. But I guess it is. So, yeah, here we are.

[00:15:16] I love that you I was going to ask you if you had been dating at all since you had your son and I get asked that all the time. I think there's kind of this. I think there's the thought from some single moms,

[00:15:30] you know, whether they're become, you know, single moms, maybe not by choice like you were three months in or who are by choice. You think that they're choosing motherhood over partnership. And that feels like a loss or there's grief associated with that decision.

[00:15:46] But I'm I'm finding, you know, so often it's not the case. And I've interviewed a lot of women who met people when they were pregnant and just kind of made it work right. Got sitters, met people, continued to get out there and try to pursue finding somebody.

[00:16:03] So I love that. That was also kind of your experience. I mean, I was careful about who I introduced my son to. I went on plenty of first, second, third, fourth dates that never materialized to anything and my son never met them.

[00:16:19] But once the individual that I'm dating now and I stuck right. I mean, he then became a part of us spending time together. And for me, that was comfortable somewhat because he was still so little when we first started dating.

[00:16:38] And so to him, it was just another friend. And we never tried to make it seem like any more than that in the beginning. And we would just do things, all three of us together, you know, hiking, playing basketball,

[00:16:53] just playing at the park, like we would just do things together. And for me, that was comfortable. I know that's another thing that comes up for single moms. And I honestly think if he had been older, I might have been more uncomfortable about it

[00:17:08] because I think he would have understood faster that it was more than just friends. But because he was still so little, I just we didn't like PDA or anything. Like we were just trying to just like spend time together. Yeah, for me, that was very comfortable and actually

[00:17:27] like a needed part of the dating process. That's kind of my sense. And I haven't really dated since my daughter was born. But I find a lot of kind of peace in the fact that the type of person

[00:17:39] that will be attracted to my lifestyle and my family now has to be at a different level of maturity in terms of who they are and what they want. You know, I mean, they have to want to be a part of a family and be a parent.

[00:17:54] And that takes, I think, a different level of just like self growth and, you know, just acknowledgement of kind of where you are in your life and what you're looking for than I think is a good majority of the folks I've at least met dating.

[00:18:10] I mean, I look at apps even too, and it kind of cracks me up now because there's these parts on apps that say, you know, what kind of relationship are you looking for? And it's monogamy or it's kids or it's short term.

[00:18:20] And I'm shocked at the amount of people that answer I don't know yet. 42. And my apps are in that age range. And it's just kind of shocking to me that that many people are still unsure about the type of relationship that they're looking for.

[00:18:35] And it helps me because that is the opposite of what I need is anyone who doesn't know what they want. So I'm still very, very single, but I have a hope that the type of person that will come into my life is just going to be

[00:18:50] a way better fit than maybe somebody who I would have met prior to having my daughter. Totally. You know, especially if you're coming at it from that framework will likely, you know, be family oriented. Right. I mean, that was very that was like a no brainer.

[00:19:08] Like it should be a no brainer if you wanted to ever have kids in the future. But I feel like once you have a kid, it's like you can't even like I don't even know how I would have gone on dates if he hadn't been

[00:19:21] completely like not just cool with my son being there, but like excited about it. You know, I get asked all the time, like, do you just get babysitters to go on dates? And I immediately laugh because first off, anyone that has a kid

[00:19:36] knows that finding a babysitter and scheduling it is just it's it's not something that happens within an hour of you making a plan on a dating app. It is exactly strategic. And you've got your sitters that you like, and they have a book schedule.

[00:19:49] And it just takes a lot of pre-planning. And so absolutely not. Am I going to get a sitter, go out in the evening when I want to be with my daughter or with, you know, close friends,

[00:20:00] pay someone to stay with my child so that I can meet someone for the first time? Heck no. Yeah, that'll that's maybe like third date. If I if I really like you, am I going to go through that much effort?

[00:20:11] Yeah, it just it it is logistical now, I think, to meet people. And so but I have, you know, I have met so many people who have met people pregnant or with babies. And so I just I certainly don't think that it's a clear choice

[00:20:28] between having a baby and having a partner. I think it's just you just switching the order around a little bit. I mean, yeah, it's I mean, I think you just yeah, what will work for you. Or at least that was my experience.

[00:20:45] Yeah. But you guys have found each other and created this amazing little community. And one of the things that I actually got a lot of emails about after the first season was about the financial piece of being a single parent.

[00:20:57] And it is, I think, really overwhelming for those that are looking into fertility treatments. I think it's really overwhelming for folks who are thinking I don't have a big enough house. I don't have a successful enough job. I don't this, I don't that.

[00:21:14] And and the the reasons why it's not possible kind of come up in mass instead of the opposite. And obviously, you've found this amazing living situation that seems really supportive on all fronts. But as a teacher and having school and, you know,

[00:21:32] a life outside of being a mom to how do you make it work financially? Has it felt stressful to you? Yes. Short answer, short answer, yes. Yes. And I mean, honestly, the biggest thing is that, well, there's two big things.

[00:21:54] There's one which is a huge piece of it, which is just like my mindset about it is truly like at the end of the day, at the end of like my life. I will not regret that I have chosen to like live simply

[00:22:10] so that I can have all this time with my child, despite being a single mom. Like and I just I honestly tell that to myself like probably every day. And so that for me is like kind of the biggest mindset piece.

[00:22:26] But then the other part is like I I do have social support. Like I just do. And I'm very lucky in that. And I know that. And some of that is that I've sought that out. Yeah. So, I mean, I have like,

[00:22:46] you know, spiritual mentors and support groups and single mom groups that I go to. My family lives really close by my parents, and they're just wonderful and supportive. And I've chosen to like stay close to them. I wasn't even close to them. And in terms of like geographically,

[00:23:09] I wasn't living as close to them as I am now when I first had my son. But as soon as I. You know, realize I was going to be single moming it, I moved 10 minutes away from them.

[00:23:22] So I and I actually lived with them for a short period of time. Yeah. So put structures in place to. Yeah, like just like organic summers, you know, intentional. Yes, exactly. And and I would like I would always. Suggest that to other single moms is like the other

[00:23:45] like major support group that I have is other single moms. And I cannot stress enough like how hopeful they have been to my life because they are the only people on this planet. They get it. Yeah, like no strings attached. No like guilt, whatever.

[00:24:05] If I call one of my other single mom friends up and say, hey, can you watch my son? They don't even ask if I can pay them. They don't ask me what I'm doing. They don't give me any junk about whether I'm going on a date or not.

[00:24:17] Like it's just like, yes. And they know I'll do the same for them. And I just. And that's just one example. But I just mean like I feel like making friends and good friends and support with other single moms is like hands

[00:24:33] down, one of the most helpful things. And it does play into economically because I can't afford babysitters. Yeah, but my my other single mom friends who also can't afford babysitters will trade with me. You know, there's also financial resources out there for single moms

[00:24:52] and I tap into them and I don't have guilt about it because whether you chose to be a single mom or not, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. But I certainly. Don't feel guilty about it because I did not choose to be. Yeah, whether you did or not,

[00:25:10] you should still tap into everything that's available to you. Absolutely. I just think that the guilt that people feel about tapping into resources is not necessary. And I mean, that's what they're there for. I know that we're getting close to time, Anna, but I want to ask you

[00:25:27] one last question, which was is I think for some single moms that I've talked to and for me as well, some loneliness and kind of living alone, not having that partnership there, having, you know, my child can't really talk back to me yet.

[00:25:41] So there are times when it does feel kind of quiet and lonely. You are in a kind of the opposite scenario, right? You live with two other families, three other kids and all your free time for our hashtag self care, which I find hilarious as a single mom.

[00:25:57] How do you take care of yourself? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is there's this organization in Colorado called The Family Village. They always talk about how when we scream self care, what we actually mean is community care.

[00:26:16] And I think that is so true for single moms, too. Like maybe even especially like what we're actually asking for is like, could you watch my kid while I go to the grocery store? Or, you know, could we fold laundry together? Or I think that the community

[00:26:37] care, like the building the community around you is part of how that self care even happens with a single mom or even as a mom, though. I'm just as a human being. Yeah. Yeah, I agree with you on that.

[00:26:53] That's actually a really interesting way of looking at it, because part of these discussions and the questions I get from people are the logistics. How do you make it work on the day to day?

[00:27:03] And I think the first couple of questions in that category are work and finances. Right. But then there's this other piece of how do you still feel like yourself? How do you not lose yourself in this experience? And you're right.

[00:27:18] You know, you build a structure, you build some scaffolding around that. You find sitters that you like, you find friends that will watch your kids. You schedule things in advance that you can get excited about.

[00:27:28] That mean you get a little bit of a break and fill your cup however you need. But it does take planning in a way that it didn't before children, for sure. The other thing, though, too, is that, you know,

[00:27:42] and this hasn't always been true, like it's been true since my son was two and a half, three, though, that like there are so many things that we assume that little people can't do with us.

[00:27:55] And, you know, my son has been hiking with me since he was two, like actually 18 months old, like actually walking, like not me carrying him. And, you know, I just recently took my son to go get pedicures together. And, oh, you can do things with your kid

[00:28:15] that are things that you enjoy, and it's fun for them to see you happy, too. And that does get easier as they get older. But I also just think like changing mindset around that. But like every time you hang out with your kid,

[00:28:30] you don't have to be doing something that is like kid focused. You can do things that you like with them. God, I love that you said that because I was just having this conversation with a friend the other day around that kind of

[00:28:46] everyday feeling like Groundhog Day thing that happens sometimes as a parent. Like we pick our kid up, we go to the same playground, you know, eat the same five dinners and I hate monotony. It is I don't that is not my that's not my favorite thing.

[00:29:02] It's not my color. And I but I've also kind of struggled with the gosh, I want to do this thing, but it's going to be harder. And do I have enough energy to do the thing that I want to do,

[00:29:12] even though it's going to be harder and it's not going to look like what it looks like before, baby, but it's always worth it. We know we don't even get to the place to do whatever we're going to do. It's still worth it to make the effort.

[00:29:25] And the thing that my daughter and I do a lot is get on the bike, go to our local taco place. I have a margarita. We get dinner together at like five p.m. We just have a little taco date and it's so much better. It's so fun.

[00:29:39] But I couldn't agree with you more that it and there was a shift that happened in early parenthood where I realized you could do that. You didn't just have to do baby things. And it's a game changer, for sure. It is such a game changer.

[00:29:52] I am so, so happy to meet you. I'm so grateful for you making the time and being flexible to chat. I can't wait to meet up here in Boulder, actually face to face and get the kiddos together. Good luck with everything.

[00:30:06] I hope you're feeling good and I hope you kind of continue to feel great. Awesome. Thank you so much. And I I'm going to do this because I feel like this is part of the shamelessness that you have to have as a single mom.

[00:30:19] I do have a blog and it's called I see you mama dot com. And I I do talk about a lot of these things on my blog, too. So amazing. One of the things I am trying to do with the podcast

[00:30:33] is just get as many resources together for folks. So that's amazing. I see you mama dot com. Mm hmm. Yeah. Amazing. All right. I'm going to check it out right now. And I think you're so, so much for chatting. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode.

[00:30:50] I hope you enjoyed it. For more information about the podcast or me, go to UNBKidPod.com. See you soon.