[00:00.000 --> 00:29.900] The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the following program belong solely to the host and guest and do not necessarily reflect those of this radio station, our parent company, advertisers, or affiliates. Welcome to Sharing Our Stories. We share stories of support for individuals in recovery from substance misuse and mental health related issues. There are numerous pathways to recovery, and each week we welcome powerful leaders and role models who have struggled in drug and or alcohol addiction, have found a pathway to recovery, and who thrive as positive community members with an
[00:29.900 --> 00:35.820] ongoing vision of success. Join us as we share our experiences, strength, and hope. When the world says,
[00:35.820 --> 00:42.380] give up. Hope whispers. Try it one more time. What's going on recovery family and welcome back to Sharing
[00:42.380 --> 00:49.740] Our Stories. My name is Slim along with Nani Al-Jaleel from Tribe Recovery Homes, and this is Sharing Our Stories.
[00:49.740 --> 00:55.740] It is a program all about addiction and recovery. We bring in guests who have dealt with addiction in
[00:55.740 --> 01:02.620] their lives to drugs and or alcohol, and they come in to share about their recovery to let people know that yes,
[01:02.620 --> 01:07.900] recovery happens. So it's kind of like a celebration every time that we're here because we're always
[01:07.900 --> 01:11.740] celebrating recovery. You know, that's what it's all about. So thank you for being here. Thanks for being
[01:11.740 --> 01:19.820] with us. Nani, hi. Hello. I love your straight hair. Nani, straight in my hair, which if you pay attention
[01:19.820 --> 01:25.980] here, week to week, not you have really naturally curly hair. Very curly hair. It's super curly. It's
[01:25.980 --> 01:30.300] gorgeous. It's gorgeous natural curly hair. The kind of hair some people die for. They're like,
[01:30.300 --> 01:37.020] I'm so jealous. I want your hair. When you have curly hair, you want straight hair. You had
[01:37.020 --> 01:41.580] how long does it take to straighten this hair? If I were to do it myself, it would take me two hours.
[01:41.580 --> 01:46.300] You had somebody else do it. When Brenda does it, it takes her about 30 minutes.
[01:46.300 --> 01:50.940] But you really, you have somebody else, you just sit around and chop it up. We chop it up. Do you pay
[01:50.940 --> 01:55.500] for that? Yes. You have to charge. That's not just a friend thing. That's not a friend thing.
[01:55.500 --> 02:00.140] Nothing's for free, Slim. Nothing. It looks so nice. So I like it. Thank you. And how long does it last
[02:00.140 --> 02:06.140] before it goes back to curly? It lasts until I get it wet. Until you get it wet? Until I get it wet.
[02:06.140 --> 02:13.660] So how long has it been straight? I got it done three days ago. So your hair has three days of
[02:14.540 --> 02:18.940] not touching. It has in touched water for three days. It does any water for three days.
[02:20.140 --> 02:26.140] Dry dry shampoo. Dry shampoo. But do you like, do you put perfume in or something?
[02:27.100 --> 02:36.140] Do you smash it? Do you air for breathing? I'm sorry. I think it looks great, though. Thank you.
[02:36.140 --> 02:38.940] I think it looks great. So when's the next shower coming up?
[02:38.940 --> 02:46.700] Did you watch? That's great. All right. Well, okay. We'll get to our guest here.
[02:46.700 --> 02:54.700] Instead of teasing Nani, our guest is Timothy DeWeese from Denver, who looks like he washed his hair
[02:54.700 --> 03:02.860] before he came. He washed his hair today. I did. No, but I want to thank, is it Timothy or Tim?
[03:02.860 --> 03:07.260] What do you go by? You know, Timothy's good. Timothy? Is it always Timothy?
[03:07.260 --> 03:11.180] Because he said he already said, Timothy is good. They take away your nicknames.
[03:11.180 --> 03:16.620] He said to not shorten my name. Timothy is good. Let's go with Timothy. Timothy DeWeese,
[03:16.620 --> 03:20.780] you're a stout street graduate. All right. So for those that don't know,
[03:20.780 --> 03:28.380] Stout Street is here in Denver, Colorado. And Stout Street is like the military of recovery.
[03:28.380 --> 03:36.380] Like this is a tough program. But before we got on here, you said that friends of yours referred to it
[03:36.380 --> 03:41.900] as the Navy seals of recovery. The Navy seals of recovery, which is, I mean,
[03:42.540 --> 03:49.580] it's both like frightening, but also like so commendable because you have to be about your
[03:49.580 --> 03:55.020] recovery. Yeah. Like you're really serious about wanting your recovery when you go to Stout Street,
[03:55.020 --> 04:01.420] or they'll make you really serious about it. They will get you to understand about it.
[04:02.140 --> 04:08.220] I think when you go there, you are at the end of your rope. And it's,
[04:09.900 --> 04:14.460] you don't know what else to do. You've tried everything else and it's you've just done. I was
[04:14.460 --> 04:21.340] done. I was tired and I needed to do something different in my life. And that seemed like the only
[04:21.340 --> 04:27.100] the only way to do it. Because to be honest, the 30, 60 day program was just going to get me fat
[04:27.100 --> 04:30.220] and sober. I would have been right back out there doing it again.
[04:31.180 --> 04:36.220] You need the seriousness of Stout Street. I mean, I've met so many Stout Street graduates and it's
[04:36.220 --> 04:42.700] an amazing program. Amazing. Amazing men and women have come out of there. Yeah, I've graduated
[04:42.700 --> 04:47.740] from there. There's an amazing group of men and women that facilitate the program as well.
[04:48.860 --> 04:56.620] And the way that they give you the opportunity to make mistakes in a safe environment.
[04:56.620 --> 05:03.100] So that you're not getting locked up. You know, you learn how to control behaviors.
[05:03.500 --> 05:07.340] Yeah. So behavior modification, similar to Haven Pier 1. But exactly.
[05:07.340 --> 05:12.060] The therapeutic community. I'm a Haven graduate. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. So I know a lot,
[05:12.060 --> 05:17.020] quite a few people from Pier 1 and Haven. And that's how, or even from, you know, in DOC,
[05:17.020 --> 05:23.340] they have their community programs in DOC. So it's a, you know, it's not for everybody. But
[05:24.220 --> 05:29.900] if you want to put in the effort, you can make it work and it, you come out shining at the end.
[05:29.900 --> 05:34.940] You really do. That's awesome. Well, we're going to turn this program over to you.
[05:34.940 --> 05:41.500] And this is your time to share. We would love to hear about your recovery. And in order to get
[05:41.500 --> 05:47.020] there, we have to start with your addictions. So my hi, our guest today is Timothy DeWeese
[05:47.020 --> 05:50.940] from Denver. And he is our guest for sharing our stories.
[05:50.940 --> 05:54.220] Thank you, Slim. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you all for having me here.
[05:55.580 --> 06:01.260] So again, my name is Timothy. Before I came to Stout Street, it was Tim.
[06:01.820 --> 06:07.260] But in Stout Street, as Nani said, that you get rid of any nicknames and you go by your
[06:07.260 --> 06:14.220] birth name and your last initial is how you are. So over the course of three years of being
[06:14.220 --> 06:20.220] affiliated with Stout Street, now I go by Timothy. People that knew me before Stout Street, they still
[06:20.220 --> 06:28.060] call me Tim. So I go by both. Usually in the past, the only time I was called Timothy is when my
[06:28.060 --> 06:33.500] mom was mad at me or when I was in front of the judge. So it's a great way to define who you were
[06:33.500 --> 06:40.700] and who you are. Exactly. 100%. And I've really grown accustomed to it and taken ownership of it.
[06:40.700 --> 06:50.140] So going along my story, I'll just go past present future is how I find the best way
[06:50.140 --> 06:59.740] to do it. I grew up. I was born in California. In 1969, my parents met in the Navy and Long Beach
[06:59.740 --> 07:05.420] and had myself and my sister and we lived there until I was about six or seven years old.
[07:07.500 --> 07:13.260] There was some shenanigans going on up in the hills of Los Angeles right around 1970.
[07:15.260 --> 07:19.340] And my parents decided that it would probably be safer to move back to Colorado where they're from.
[07:19.580 --> 07:23.900] Kind of coincidental that one went to Lakewood High School, one went to Littleton and they meet
[07:23.900 --> 07:29.500] in the Navy. Kind of crazy, right? It's a small world and I'll get to that small world part a
[07:29.500 --> 07:37.740] little bit later. I grew up in Palisade, Colorado on the western slope, peaches, pears, you know,
[07:37.740 --> 07:45.900] everything that a kid would have wanted, horses, acres of playground. I was a latchkey kid so I
[07:45.980 --> 07:50.940] didn't have my parents around a lot of times, not a lot of, there was chores but not a lot of
[07:50.940 --> 07:56.460] structure. There was a lot of play time and a lot of availability to play. The street light
[07:56.460 --> 08:01.420] coming on at night was the indicator it was time to go home. We didn't have cell phones. We didn't
[08:01.420 --> 08:07.980] have pagers. We didn't have any of that stuff. So but at an early age, I started kind of my
[08:08.060 --> 08:15.980] shenanigans, not necessarily with drinking but disappearing a lot over usually at friends' house.
[08:17.900 --> 08:24.540] Grade school was pretty rough. I remember back when I was younger in grade school,
[08:24.540 --> 08:26.940] like I used to get picked on a lot and teased by girls.
[08:29.900 --> 08:33.500] Later on in life, I found out that that just stuck with me through my whole life.
[08:34.140 --> 08:39.820] Middle school, probably like everybody was probably the most traumatic experience of my
[08:39.820 --> 08:45.820] entire life. And I didn't have my parents around to really process how I was feeling and what was
[08:45.820 --> 08:52.780] going on. I didn't have an adult or anybody else to process that. So I didn't really do a whole
[08:52.780 --> 08:58.620] lot about it. I stayed pretty well engaged with horses and such and then I got into ski racing,
[08:59.580 --> 09:07.500] which was my outlet for that. Not a lot of people skied in Palisade, Colorado.
[09:08.140 --> 09:14.060] So it was kind of neat that I was like one of the elite few that had that opportunity to do so.
[09:14.060 --> 09:18.380] And my dad taught me a lot. We used to go camping all the time in the summers. I had a really good
[09:18.380 --> 09:28.060] childhood growing up in Colorado. Later on, parties started happening and that's when it all kind
[09:28.140 --> 09:37.100] of started. You know, 15, 16 years old rule area. I'm talking bonfire parties that you don't see
[09:37.100 --> 09:47.100] nowadays, right, especially in the city. And then I found alcohol. It soothes me. It really hurt.
[09:47.900 --> 09:54.860] It helped the hurt inside. Plus, I felt cool. I felt like I was part of the crowd.
[09:55.820 --> 10:01.580] When I was on the football team and we'd go to Caggers and doing, you know, the whole bit, you
[10:01.580 --> 10:09.820] know, with the tube and the funnel and the whole thing. We really wasn't a big thing then because
[10:09.820 --> 10:18.140] it was really still like illegal. You know, that was kind of when the pager phase of life started and
[10:18.140 --> 10:24.300] you were like going to the, there was pay phones at 7 11 still and you know, you call your dealer
[10:24.300 --> 10:30.140] or running, you page him and he'd page you back and he'd beat in a non-disclosed location all the
[10:30.140 --> 10:34.620] time. You're just anxiety is going because you're like, Oh my God, are there cops? Am I going to get
[10:34.620 --> 10:42.540] arrested and stuff like that? When I was about 16, we moved to Park City, Utah,
[10:43.340 --> 10:49.340] because I was getting really good at ski racing. And that's the home of the US ski team. And it's
[10:49.340 --> 10:57.100] just it's a resort town. So some of County, some of County Utah. And even though it was Utah,
[10:58.140 --> 11:03.580] it still was synonymous with, you know, a lot of drinking and a lot of drugs.
[11:05.340 --> 11:08.700] My blue my knee out playing football and that ended the ski racing thing.
[11:09.660 --> 11:15.340] And then the drinking got worse. We drive around and we'd be stealing cases of beer off people's
[11:15.340 --> 11:21.340] balconies in the winter time and driving to Wyoming to buy liquor because it was, you know, we were
[11:22.300 --> 11:28.540] dry on Sunday. Yeah, right. And who doesn't look 19 and as a senior in high school, right?
[11:29.740 --> 11:34.220] So the party and really started kicking and that's when I started to get some consequences.
[11:35.020 --> 11:41.500] Um, minor at that, you know, underage drinking ticket. But I was cool because everybody else got one,
[11:41.500 --> 11:47.420] too. It's like a badge of honor. Yeah. Everybody's doing it. I justified it. You know, everybody does
[11:47.420 --> 11:54.780] it, right? They were all cool. Yeah. Um, but, um, there was a couple other times where, um,
[11:54.780 --> 11:59.340] we were at a party and my sister lost the keys in the woods one night to my car and we had to walk
[11:59.340 --> 12:06.140] home and have my dad come get me another time I got to pull over way out of town. My dad had to
[12:06.140 --> 12:13.660] come get me and, um, he wasn't happy. So consequences started at the early age, if you will. Then I moved
[12:13.660 --> 12:20.300] back to Colorado, um, with my mom to Littleton and I started working in a restaurant. Um,
[12:21.420 --> 12:26.860] you're working in a restaurant after ours. Go to old Chicago. Get your name on the wall of foam.
[12:27.660 --> 12:34.700] I thought that was like cool. How many, the wall of foam, how many beers have I drank from how
[12:34.700 --> 12:39.820] many different countries, you know, you get your name up on the wall and it's like, you know, you
[12:39.820 --> 12:45.180] walk in. Look, there's my name up there. See it? You know, showing off and everything. We party and
[12:45.180 --> 12:51.260] then the weeds started, started smoking weed, started partying every night. Um, that's when I got my
[12:51.260 --> 12:59.260] first DUI. Um, so the consequences start getting worse. So as the story progresses here, um,
[12:59.260 --> 13:05.180] but you still don't notice the consequences. No, it's still okay. Yeah. I'm still minimalizing the
[13:05.180 --> 13:10.860] whole thing and rationalizing is like, Oh, well, everybody gets one. Yeah. Um, then I moved to
[13:10.860 --> 13:16.220] Copper Mountain. I moved to Silverthorne, Summit County, Colorado. Here we go again with the Summit
[13:16.220 --> 13:22.860] County. Um, and I worked at Copper Mountain at the ski resort and that's what you do. You ski and
[13:22.860 --> 13:28.380] party. Yeah. It's one in the same. It's like peanut butter and jelly. Yeah. Peanut butter and jelly
[13:28.380 --> 13:39.420] for sure. It's like whole facts and crack. Yeah. Everything was going really, really good. Um,
[13:39.420 --> 13:43.660] I didn't have any responsibilities like kids, wife, any of that kind of stuff. I'm in my early
[13:43.660 --> 13:49.500] twenties. Um, I mean, who wouldn't love to be able to work at a world-renowned ski resort in
[13:49.500 --> 13:56.700] your twenties and this party. Yeah, sir. I had my free reign with keys to every door on the mountain,
[13:57.340 --> 14:04.140] including the liquor cabinets. Um, so we party a lot and have big giant parties. Um,
[14:05.740 --> 14:09.580] I got on the volunteer fire department thinking that that was, I mean, again,
[14:10.540 --> 14:17.180] as a little boy who doesn't want to drive a fire truck, right? And I had this opportunity to be a
[14:17.180 --> 14:23.740] volunteer fireman and get all this training and drive a fire truck. I was like, that's cool. Um, I
[14:23.740 --> 14:30.060] did that for a while, but I was still working in restaurants and started drinking earlier in the
[14:30.060 --> 14:39.180] day in the restaurant more like 12 o'clock. Um, and smoke a pot in the kitchen while we're working and,
[14:39.580 --> 14:44.860] I got, that's when I got my second DUI within like six years of my first one.
[14:45.820 --> 14:51.100] Consequences got a little worse. I got locked up. I had to do some time. Um, community service.
[14:51.900 --> 14:57.420] I think the biggest consequence was the embarrassment when, um, my second one, it was a vehicle accident.
[14:57.420 --> 15:02.540] I hit a tree head on. Um, and guess who they call winners an accident.
[15:04.060 --> 15:07.020] Fire department. Fire department. Fire department.
[15:07.020 --> 15:10.300] So here come all my buddies. Come your homies. Yeah, here come my homies.
[15:11.100 --> 15:16.300] You know, and then the, the, the CSP was nice enough not to handcuff me in front of my friends,
[15:16.940 --> 15:23.500] but it was still quite embarrassing. Um, I lost all my privileges. Obviously, I couldn't drive
[15:23.500 --> 15:29.100] fire truck anymore because you were a volunteer. Yeah. Right. Um, I still got to participate in such
[15:29.100 --> 15:33.660] like that, but it really got less and less and less. Then I started coming down to Denver with the
[15:33.740 --> 15:37.740] guy that I hooked up with. And we were buying like pounds of weed from this guy that was growing
[15:37.740 --> 15:43.740] it in his basement down here, driving it back to some accounting and selling it. So that's a lot
[15:43.740 --> 15:48.940] more than just smoking a little bit in there. Yeah. The restaurant. Right. Yeah. It was like,
[15:48.940 --> 15:56.700] now we were like distributing. Yeah. Legal legal at that time, illegal. Right. So it got worse.
[15:56.700 --> 16:03.980] Still be illegal now. Yeah. That amount. Right. You're not the dispenser. He drew. So it got worse.
[16:03.980 --> 16:08.540] That, that part got worse. Um, it got a super expensive to live up there. So I moved to Denver.
[16:09.260 --> 16:16.060] I moved in with my cousin who is a, um, he had trust fund. He had money. He had a good job.
[16:16.060 --> 16:22.940] He also liked small crack. Hmm. I was really my first experience with crack. I didn't really
[16:22.940 --> 16:30.460] get hooked on it at that time. Um, got married, had a couple kids, wife, family, her family,
[16:30.460 --> 16:36.380] my family. I felt as if I was in the middle getting torn between like her or my family,
[16:37.100 --> 16:43.420] her or my family. Um, and the beer became not effective. So the liquor was a lot quicker.
[16:44.380 --> 16:50.540] And then I became an auto mechanic and I'd stay late at work. Um, because I didn't want to deal
[16:50.540 --> 16:56.940] with all the drama when I got home. So I knew if I stayed late at work, I'd get home. They'd be
[16:56.940 --> 17:04.940] all being bad. Mm hmm. Another issue that arose was that dad was no longer important.
[17:06.220 --> 17:12.300] Because the kids are now in the, in the mix, right? I didn't know how to process that again. Like,
[17:12.300 --> 17:18.860] I was numero Uno before the kids. And now I'm lower than the dog kind of thing. You know,
[17:19.500 --> 17:24.780] come home dinners in the microwave kind of stuff. You know, everybody's asleep and they couldn't
[17:24.780 --> 17:31.580] wait around and everything. And, um, it was always their fault. You know, that was another thing I
[17:31.580 --> 17:38.940] always never like to do is take accountability for my actions. Um, so I was really lonely to get
[17:38.940 --> 17:46.460] to the point. I became very lonely. And then I started to look for a way to sue that loneliness
[17:46.460 --> 17:53.900] in addition to the liquor. And that, you know, included being unfaithful to my wife. Um,
[17:55.580 --> 18:02.940] I did exactly what my dad did. So I don't have this in me hereditary like, but I learned,
[18:02.940 --> 18:10.060] it's a learning experience that I became who I was from watching my dad. Always had to look
[18:10.140 --> 18:16.380] around cheating on my mom the whole bit. Um, I didn't feel anything wrong with it because
[18:17.580 --> 18:23.820] I needed me. I was, it was about me. I was selfish. Um, I needed something to
[18:25.180 --> 18:29.980] fill that void. And again, I didn't know how to communicate because I never really learned
[18:29.980 --> 18:39.260] as a kid how to communicate and speak and open my mouth. Um, get her is as, you know, I grew up with,
[18:39.820 --> 18:48.140] um, the notion that men don't share their feelings or men, Jim Allen, right? You know,
[18:48.140 --> 18:53.020] we don't cry. We don't talk about our feelings. You know, we sit around and watch football and
[18:53.020 --> 18:59.100] eat pizza and fart and drink beer. That's, that's what we did. So never really learned how to do
[18:59.100 --> 19:05.260] process that or anything without lashing out after I've had a few drinks. That's how I thought
[19:05.340 --> 19:10.140] communication was. Well, that didn't work out too well because eventually my kids became old enough
[19:10.140 --> 19:18.700] to see that. Um, and again, I thought I was okay because I had a job. I was paying their bills.
[19:19.420 --> 19:27.580] I was the breadwinner. I was the functional alcoholic to a tee. Um, except for when it started getting
[19:27.580 --> 19:32.220] worse and then I started calling and sick on a regular basis. I always kept the job for five
[19:32.220 --> 19:38.620] to seven years at a time. I didn't shop hop all the time or wasn't a basketball bouncing around.
[19:39.660 --> 19:47.420] Um, so it just, it just got worse than calling and sick because I was, you know, drunk sick
[19:48.060 --> 19:54.300] over, hung over shaking to the point that, um, you know, I had to have something every morning to,
[19:54.300 --> 20:02.140] like just get started for the day kind of thing. Um, but I had that doctor's
[20:02.220 --> 20:10.940] note that said that I was sick. So again, I justified it in my head that it was okay.
[20:12.300 --> 20:18.300] Um, but then I would go back to work after missing a few days and that anxiety just kicked in.
[20:18.940 --> 20:22.540] Like as I was getting out of the car to go inside, I was like, God, what are they going to say?
[20:22.540 --> 20:27.820] What are they going to think? Oh my God, they know everything and that was really frightening
[20:27.820 --> 20:35.340] and terrifying. I got through it, but, um, little did I know now that they, they all knew what I was
[20:35.340 --> 20:40.780] doing. You know, I thought I was being sneaky. I thought I was smart. Nobody can smell it on me.
[20:40.780 --> 20:46.620] I mean, I'm going to my kid's parent teacher conferences smelling like a half gallon of whiskey
[20:46.620 --> 20:52.940] thinking that if I put a mentos in my mouth that nobody's going to smell it permeating from my skin
[20:52.940 --> 20:59.660] and my pores. Um, you know, it got to that point. Um, there was a point, there was one time when I
[20:59.660 --> 21:05.340] picked up my, uh, my youngest son from school drunk bouncing back and forth off the wall,
[21:05.340 --> 21:11.260] swaying through the hallways. They let me drive off, but the dean called social services and they
[21:11.260 --> 21:17.100] said, no, you cannot see your kids. You have to go through all this stuff, the UAs and the level
[21:17.100 --> 21:23.580] two education classes and all that kind of stuff, monitored visitation, stole bed. You know,
[21:23.580 --> 21:31.100] it was, it was rough. And that was a very, um, angry pouring in my life. I was very angry with my ex-wife.
[21:31.900 --> 21:37.420] Um, just angry with everybody. Um, because again, I didn't know how to take any accountability.
[21:37.420 --> 21:42.540] I didn't know how to communicate without lashing out because I had, and then then you're taking away
[21:42.540 --> 21:50.780] my alcohol. Like, oh, come on. You took my kids away. Now I can't drink. Um, I played the game. Um, and
[21:53.180 --> 21:58.380] but I also thought I also beat the system. Um, so I thought I was smart.
[21:59.740 --> 22:07.420] You know, I'm smart. I didn't get caught drinking when I was taking my UAs. Um, later on, um, I got
[22:07.500 --> 22:14.380] all that worked out and everything and, um, try to rekindle the relationship with my ex-wife
[22:15.580 --> 22:23.900] about 10 years ago. Um, and then, um, and then a really bad thing happened. Um, I'm just gonna
[22:23.900 --> 22:30.060] put it as I was a victim of a random act of violence that I was stabbed seven times in a motel room.
[22:30.940 --> 22:39.420] I love to die. Um, unconscious for eight days in the hospital. Um, they finally caught the person.
[22:39.420 --> 22:47.820] Um, put them in prison for a few years. Um, but when I look at it now, like,
[22:49.020 --> 22:57.020] not only was I pretty much a POS father up into that point because I was there for the finances,
[22:57.020 --> 23:04.700] but not there as a dad, right? Um, then they have to come and see dad unconscious,
[23:04.700 --> 23:11.340] innovated in the intensive care with a different name because they changed my name. My mom, who has
[23:11.340 --> 23:18.300] been a registered nurse your entire life, knowing exactly what's going on with me. Sitting there
[23:18.300 --> 23:25.260] watching her little boy like that, right? Only because, um, I got the, I got, I got the case
[23:25.340 --> 23:30.140] if I want what I want and I want it right now. And I put myself into a dangerous situation
[23:30.780 --> 23:36.060] because of that. My ex called me 30 minutes before I left to go meet this particular person
[23:36.620 --> 23:41.900] and asked if I would go to dinner with her and the kids. And I said, no, that's how selfish I was.
[23:42.380 --> 23:46.300] Because you were, because you're acting out and behaviors, right? That's what you're talking
[23:46.300 --> 23:53.020] about. Exactly. Yeah. Acting out and behavior. Didn't know how to cope. Right. So I was acting out.
[23:53.100 --> 24:01.020] Um, we made it through all that and, um, really developed a, uh, this is messed up. Um,
[24:01.020 --> 24:05.340] I'd like to use some more emphasis words, but I don't want to have you like editing the whole thing
[24:05.340 --> 24:13.580] because constantly, yeah, you just throw in the heaps whenever you want. Okay. So, um, I developed
[24:13.580 --> 24:20.860] this serious invincibility complex. I just got stabbed seven times and live, bring it on.
[24:21.340 --> 24:27.660] Yeah. I got bad ass. I thought I was the hardest person in the world, right? Subconsciously.
[24:27.660 --> 24:31.900] I didn't really wear it on my shoulder. I didn't wear it. I wasn't, you know, I didn't have this
[24:31.900 --> 24:39.260] black cloud over my shoulder, but internally I was really angry. I wasn't angry at that person.
[24:39.260 --> 24:46.940] I was angry at me for doing it. But you would think that something of that nature would like
[24:46.940 --> 24:51.980] convince somebody that maybe it's time to stop. Like be cool for a while. Yeah.
[24:51.980 --> 24:58.380] No, I went to the lean. I'm in a bad situation. Should be rock bottom. Yeah. Is what that should
[24:58.380 --> 25:04.140] be being stabbed seven times and left to die. That's exactly right. The trap door. Right. No,
[25:04.140 --> 25:10.460] I went hard to the pain after that. Um, it got worse. There was the, I can take anything out now.
[25:10.460 --> 25:16.620] Exactly. I was, what can you do to me? Like here's a shovel dig deeper. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I was,
[25:16.620 --> 25:20.620] did you care about your life at that point either? I also, you know,
[25:21.660 --> 25:25.580] all the way up until like the past three years, I really didn't slim.
[25:27.180 --> 25:33.820] You know, I found that out going through this program that that's why I had no self-worth.
[25:34.620 --> 25:41.100] I had no backbone. I had no spine. I had no voice. And that all stems way back to when I was
[25:41.180 --> 25:47.340] seven, eight years old, growing up, it started then it's all learned behavior that I,
[25:47.340 --> 25:56.460] that I picked up. Um, and behavior learned that I watched happen and where I wasn't able to cope
[25:56.460 --> 26:01.660] and process and talk about things that were bugging me. So I continuously found that soothing
[26:01.660 --> 26:08.220] sensation of alcohol that became my friend. And looking for that thing to fill up that,
[26:08.220 --> 26:12.700] that God-sized whole, right? That's something to, to make you feel
[26:13.420 --> 26:21.580] love and worth. Right. Acceptance. Accepted, like cool, all that. Um, I maintained work.
[26:22.140 --> 26:27.340] My job was amazing. I'd only been there for a month and they fronted me some money to help get
[26:27.340 --> 26:33.180] me back on my feet and kept my job for me. Um, and I've worked there for seven years. Um,
[26:33.180 --> 26:39.420] things were going good for a while, but there was some times where I'd be out sick for a week
[26:40.860 --> 26:47.580] and on a bender. Um, I've manipulated anybody and everything I possibly could. My uncle,
[26:48.380 --> 26:52.700] um, God rest his soul. I was living in his house in Conifer and driving his trucks.
[26:53.420 --> 27:00.460] Um, my mom, I would, you know, manipulate her for money all the time. Um, anything that I could do
[27:00.540 --> 27:04.940] to like manipulate, I would take anything, take, take, take, take is what I started becoming as a
[27:04.940 --> 27:10.140] taker and not thinking anything twice about it. Like it was more like it was owed to me.
[27:10.940 --> 27:12.940] Kind of feeling, right? Um,
[27:15.660 --> 27:22.060] my dad passed away in 2018. That was pretty hard. Um, I was living with my son in an apartment and
[27:22.060 --> 27:25.900] my son comes out and he says, do you really think your dad would want to see you sitting out here
[27:25.900 --> 27:31.500] on a porch getting drunk? And it didn't really hit home to me or anything. At the time I was
[27:31.500 --> 27:38.780] borrowing my uncle's truck and I drove to Texas for his service drunk. Um, was at the service
[27:38.780 --> 27:46.460] drunk, um, had a party afterwards drunk and drove home from Texas drunk. And mind you, um,
[27:46.460 --> 27:52.940] I'm not a typical drunk. I'm the, I'm your page 21 drunk. If you know anything about the big book,
[27:53.820 --> 28:01.580] never mildly intoxicated. I'm more like heavily leaped up most of the time. My blood alcohol was
[28:01.580 --> 28:08.460] point was, was 90 proof was my, was my blood type. You had to wake up to drink in the morning to get
[28:08.460 --> 28:13.980] your day go. Yeah. I had to. Yeah. I had stashes everywhere. That was just a, just a function.
[28:15.340 --> 28:22.860] So, um, that was pretty rough. Um, right after I got back and I got my third DUI. Um, and that was
[28:22.940 --> 28:31.100] bad one. Um, I passed out in the truck and I ran into, um, a parked vehicle on a car dealership parking
[28:31.100 --> 28:38.140] lot and just wrecked it. Um, drove home. Somebody reported it, cops came. I was cool. They took me
[28:38.140 --> 28:46.140] to jail. Um, so that was my third and I went 25 years between my second and third. So I thought,
[28:46.140 --> 28:51.980] okay, cool. Everything dropped out. Well, they changed the law. So like three, you know, they count
[28:51.980 --> 28:58.220] them as per lifetime now. Yeah. Right. You know, that's right. So they were ready to do the whole
[28:58.220 --> 29:05.180] thing, you know. Um, so I got a lawyer and I thought it was things cool, but going back to what I was
[29:05.180 --> 29:10.540] with social services and I drank, I knew that if I drank a whole bunch of water that day,
[29:10.540 --> 29:17.340] and if I had the UA that night, I would be okay. So I thought, okay, I'm on pretrial for this DUI.
[29:17.340 --> 29:22.860] I'll do the same thing. I didn't know that pretrial sends it in for like a thousand point bulletin
[29:24.860 --> 29:28.860] thing that they checked for and they can go back like four days to see if you've been drinking.
[29:31.020 --> 29:37.820] Yeah. Yeah. I got the real test as soon as I walked into court and the judge is like,
[29:38.700 --> 29:44.380] take him downstairs. And, uh, in the handguff me every time I went to go to court, I got remanded
[29:44.380 --> 29:50.140] because my UAs are always hot. Um, I'm like, how did that happen? It didn't happen with social
[29:50.140 --> 29:56.780] services. I figured it out. You know, so I would get marched down the old, you know, Pat Sullivan
[29:56.780 --> 30:02.220] Memorial hallway down to the booking station in Arapaho County. And I became pretty friendly with them.
[30:04.380 --> 30:10.380] Um, and then I stopped going to court because I got tired of getting arrested all the time.
[30:11.260 --> 30:18.780] And this is just going to lead to you getting arrested. Okay. Exactly. Stupid. Right. Um,
[30:19.820 --> 30:26.380] this, and this is right when COVID hit. I was in sober living program. Um, and I would do good for
[30:26.380 --> 30:31.500] about four months and then I would go across town to see my kids and there's 50 liquor stores in
[30:31.500 --> 30:38.780] between. And again, here's my mind manipulation going on. I could sneak a few in within 10 hours
[30:38.860 --> 30:43.500] and I'm going to be gone. And when I get home, I'll blow zeros. Well, it worked for a few times that
[30:43.500 --> 30:47.260] there was a couple of times when it was point zero one, or I go up, boy, you're out for two weeks.
[30:48.300 --> 30:53.020] And so I would go back and then I could do good for three or four months. I get those 24 hour
[30:53.020 --> 30:59.260] chips in that three month chip. I got a whole bunch of those never really got into step work. Um,
[30:59.260 --> 31:07.900] like I was supposed to. Um, I wasn't ready. And, um, finally the last time. Um, so then, uh, yeah,
[31:08.540 --> 31:13.020] once COVID hit, they shut down all the meetings. So we couldn't go to any 12 step meetings,
[31:13.020 --> 31:17.500] which were required in this program I was in. And so we had to have a house meeting every night
[31:17.500 --> 31:23.500] at the house. Well, everybody else worked like construction. So they still had their jobs.
[31:23.500 --> 31:29.420] I was a service advisor at auto repair shop. So I got put on furlough. I was making more money
[31:29.420 --> 31:33.580] on unemployment than I was when I was working. And I was the only one at the house.
[31:34.460 --> 31:40.540] It sounds like trouble. Big time. I knew that I couldn't drink a lot of money in too much
[31:40.540 --> 31:44.860] free time because they were going to be home and we're going to have a house meeting and pass the
[31:44.860 --> 31:50.780] little breathalyzer around. But I still have this criminal addict mind in me that I want to,
[31:50.780 --> 31:59.420] I need something, right? So off I go to Colfax and get a little facts. Yeah, Colfax and you went,
[31:59.500 --> 32:06.140] I pulled up and that's the first time I bought some crack and I got halfway back to the house
[32:06.140 --> 32:11.180] and I was like, oh, that was not enough. So I turned around and went back and got more.
[32:12.860 --> 32:16.780] Boy, that's when I had a whole new understanding of tweaker,
[32:18.860 --> 32:28.620] just buzzing constantly. Believe it or not, you can fail a UA smoking crack or a BA smoking crack.
[32:28.700 --> 32:36.060] Oh, so I did. And he called program the house manager and program director says,
[32:36.060 --> 32:40.300] taken to detox, he took me to East Metro. It's great place, by the way, if you've never been there.
[32:40.780 --> 32:50.060] I highly suggest not ever going in this. You really enjoy the smell of feet and stuff.
[32:51.500 --> 32:56.780] They took me there and they had the industrial breathalyzer, you know, that the cops used and it was zero.
[32:56.780 --> 33:03.100] She calls him up, says, we can't take him. He's not, he's blowing zeros. So I went back to the house
[33:03.100 --> 33:11.100] and he had a talk with me about it in a whole bit. And you know, I wasn't being honest. It happened
[33:11.100 --> 33:14.780] again. And he's like, okay, that's it. You're done. This was like the fourth time he'd kick me
[33:14.780 --> 33:19.580] out of his program. So I went to my mom's, she had an apartment, extra bedroom,
[33:20.300 --> 33:29.180] staying there, all this extra unemployment money. Yeah. It buys a lot of crack. Oh my God.
[33:29.180 --> 33:35.420] A lot of free time. I had a lot of free time. I'm driving around my uncle's truck who's in a
[33:35.420 --> 33:41.340] physical rehab because he was in Camp Lejeune and got really sick from the water when he was in the
[33:41.340 --> 33:46.860] Marine. So I'm manipulating and using him because I didn't have my own car and I had
[33:46.940 --> 33:50.940] any money to buy a car and have a driver's license. So I'm driving his truck around with
[33:50.940 --> 33:56.940] expired plates, no license, no registration, no insurance. The only thing that saved me is I
[33:56.940 --> 34:02.220] don't drive like an idiot. And he had Marine plates on his truck. I'm driving around,
[34:02.220 --> 34:09.900] Colfax driving around, bringing erroneous people, full-onious people over to my mom's place and
[34:09.900 --> 34:18.220] smoking it in my mom's apartment, just doing all kinds of shady ass sleep stuff.
[34:21.820 --> 34:30.540] But at that point, that stuff hooked me. It hooked me hard. You can't ever smoke enough crack.
[34:31.340 --> 34:40.620] There's just not enough to go around. Eventually the vehicle I was driving, my uncle's, his brother
[34:40.620 --> 34:47.660] called it in and stolen it and it got re-powed as I was loading stuff because my back up a minute
[34:47.660 --> 34:59.020] here. My ex-wife, God, lover, likes to always be up in my business. And maybe it was a good thing
[34:59.020 --> 35:03.740] this time because she was trying to help my mom with her finances and she was looking at my
[35:03.740 --> 35:08.140] mom's finances and noticing that there's an exorbitant amount of money missing out of her social
[35:08.140 --> 35:14.460] security. ATM withdrawals. Well, my mom was always like, I need some groceries. And I'm like,
[35:14.460 --> 35:19.180] where's your car? I go get some groceries. And I'd come back with a lot of crack but no groceries.
[35:19.980 --> 35:26.540] So she notified my sister who lives in Florida and my sister came to move my mom to Florida to
[35:26.540 --> 35:35.100] get her away from me. So I was helping my mom pack a four-bedroom stuff that you could fit in
[35:35.100 --> 35:40.860] a four-bedroom apartment that was in a two-bedroom apartment. Just stuff that she collects thrown
[35:40.860 --> 35:45.500] out trash and I went out and the cops were there and they're impounded the vehicle but they couldn't
[35:45.500 --> 35:51.740] arrest me because I had a warrant because I stopped going to court because it was COVID and it was a
[35:51.740 --> 35:57.100] misdemeanor. They just merely suggested she go take care of this. She should probably take care of that.
[35:57.740 --> 36:08.540] Right. I didn't. Then my mom, my sister came to get my mom and we're in a living room and looking
[36:08.540 --> 36:14.140] at each other and I could just feel like piercing like lasers from her eyes going through me
[36:14.860 --> 36:24.060] because like how dare you steal your mom's social security for crack. Like crack has got such a
[36:24.060 --> 36:31.020] stigma to it. Like it's such a terrible thing and it is. I'll get me wrong. So I left and what do you
[36:31.020 --> 36:39.820] think I did? Yeah. I had one guy. Got more crack. Yeah. Yeah. And I came back and guess who wasn't there?
[36:40.700 --> 36:48.060] My mom. Yeah. So I never really got to say goodbye to my mom because my taking addiction.
[36:52.300 --> 36:56.460] I ended up hooking up with the guy and we were getting money every now and then here and there
[36:56.460 --> 37:02.540] and still continuing to use and at that point I was riding the bus across town to meet my
[37:02.540 --> 37:09.340] dealer to get my drugs and smoking it on the bus back to my mom's by myself. Christmas
[37:09.420 --> 37:16.140] came around and I was in that apartment by myself and I walked up the street to the church and
[37:16.140 --> 37:25.740] asked the father to pray for me. Shortly after that I called my lawyer that I hadn't talked to
[37:25.740 --> 37:30.300] in a couple of years about getting this warrant cleared. He says we're going to have to call the
[37:30.300 --> 37:34.140] booking chair. So I called and well, nope, you can't turn yourself in. It's a misdemeanor.
[37:34.700 --> 37:40.700] I couldn't. So the reason why I had to get this warrant cleared one because it's illegal
[37:40.700 --> 37:46.940] but two, I had to have it cleared to get into Stoud Street which I had been trying to get into
[37:46.940 --> 37:55.500] since October and I didn't make it until February because I wanted that one last hurrah. Right?
[37:56.380 --> 38:02.540] That's a common story. Yeah, we always want that one last. If I'm going in, baby, I want the
[38:03.260 --> 38:08.860] drugs, the beer. I've heard this exactly right before a Stoud Street story. You're not alone.
[38:08.860 --> 38:17.980] Right. Never happened. So I go in front of the judge, okay, let's go. And I stayed in there for
[38:17.980 --> 38:23.180] 15 days and finally a friend of mine bailed me out and I spent a week at my ex-wife's house
[38:23.820 --> 38:29.260] so I could spend my birthdays on Valentine's Day. So I spent my birthday with my kids knowing
[38:29.260 --> 38:35.740] that I was finally going to go to Stoud Street for two years and went in on the 16th of 2021. So I
[38:35.740 --> 38:42.940] consider that my sobriety date. Yeah. So three with three years coming up here, 2016, 2021. Yeah,
[38:42.940 --> 38:52.860] put it on my arm. Congratulations. So in Stoud Street, I learned a lot. Tell us about this.
[38:52.940 --> 38:58.700] Yeah. So I learned why I did what I did. They put you through a lot of classes that help you cope
[38:58.700 --> 39:07.420] with life. Breathe, relax real quick. You were ready for Stoud Street. When you went there,
[39:07.420 --> 39:11.900] there was there was not anything in your mind saying, I don't want to do this anymore. You took a few
[39:11.900 --> 39:18.700] months, but you were ready to do it at that point. I was I was done slim. I had that was the only
[39:18.700 --> 39:23.500] thing again, 30, 60, 90 program was only going to get me fat and sober. I needed I know I needed
[39:23.500 --> 39:30.700] something that was going to like put me in my. There's one. You're fine. You know, because it
[39:30.700 --> 39:36.540] will. So you they start you off by learning how to cope with things because you get a lot of
[39:36.540 --> 39:41.420] consequences for a lot of different things. You know, I got you know, I got an hour on the bench
[39:41.420 --> 39:45.820] for not closing my shower curtain. So there's a myriad amount of things that you can get a
[39:45.820 --> 39:51.100] consequence. But it also works up to the big ones, you know, like no sexual contact between
[39:51.100 --> 39:57.180] residents, right? You know, you got to keep it in your pants. Right? That's just the thing.
[39:57.980 --> 40:01.740] You're not there to meet your future ex wife or your future boyfriend, right? You're there to
[40:01.740 --> 40:07.180] meet yourself is what it ultimately boils down to. And it takes some time to get that thought
[40:07.180 --> 40:10.780] through your head because it takes about 90 days to get all that shit out of your body.
[40:11.580 --> 40:17.660] Right? So you can get some clarity of mind. Your brain can regrow itself at least 90 days. Yeah.
[40:17.660 --> 40:23.820] Yeah. So you start by learning how to breathe and deal with things. I use it today when I'm driving
[40:24.380 --> 40:28.940] or the guy at the E scan just can't figure out how to scan the barcode and put it in the bag.
[40:29.580 --> 40:36.620] Like, come on, really? Then they put you through like schemas class, maladaptive schemas class,
[40:36.620 --> 40:41.580] where it really figure out what your core belief is. What my core belief is, is I'm not worthy.
[40:42.460 --> 40:49.260] I never felt worthy. But after that, I started to learn the skills to become worthy. I went
[40:49.260 --> 40:53.660] into the program as a complete doormat. I would let anybody do anything they want and walk all
[40:53.660 --> 40:58.940] over me and run around screaming along like a victim. Look at me. I'm poor me, poor me another
[40:58.940 --> 41:04.060] drink, right? It's exactly how I was. And I now I have a spine. Now I have a voice. Now I could
[41:04.060 --> 41:09.900] stand up for myself. My roommate that I share a house with women through the program together,
[41:09.900 --> 41:15.500] he says, if anybody I know in that program did a complete 180, it's you from where I was to where
[41:15.500 --> 41:24.620] I am now. I learned a lot of things by becoming certain positions in the house. I worked in the
[41:24.620 --> 41:31.580] kitchen because I had kitchen experience. But I'm broken. My body is broken from skiing and football.
[41:32.060 --> 41:36.540] So they put me in. I worked at nights, the overnight shift to make sure that the place was safe and
[41:36.540 --> 41:41.100] people weren't sneaking out or sneaking into the mattress room at four o'clock in the morning.
[41:41.660 --> 41:47.580] It's the kind of thing, right? And then they put me as the legal clerk and I'm like me, like,
[41:48.300 --> 41:55.180] what? So everybody in there is on parole or probation, including myself. And I got a lot of
[41:55.180 --> 42:00.460] experiences, you know, more than just my own experience as being a legal clerk, which helped
[42:00.460 --> 42:06.940] me become more organized, helped me with computer skills that I wasn't very good at,
[42:06.940 --> 42:12.700] how to do Excel spreadsheets and Word documents and all that kind of stuff that I now use daily
[42:13.420 --> 42:20.780] in my life, in my job. So it's not just about getting sober and staying sober. It's about
[42:20.780 --> 42:26.780] learning why and how to counterbalance that when those thoughts prop up, right? You go through
[42:26.780 --> 42:30.700] an inner child class for 12 weeks, you carry around a stuffed animal. That's your little guy
[42:30.700 --> 42:35.820] inside, right? Got to protect him. But that little guy for me likes to come out and play sometimes.
[42:36.540 --> 42:40.300] And that's what I'm like, I screw it. I ain't working today. You know, I'm going to go buy a
[42:40.300 --> 42:44.940] new pair of shoes. That's that little kid inside the door. Instead of me like,
[42:45.980 --> 42:50.220] hold on a little buddy. I got you right. But they don't move. We've got to wait on the
[42:50.220 --> 42:55.580] shoes right now. They got a new line of sketches. I know you want them. We got to wait, you know?
[42:57.740 --> 43:04.060] So that helped out. But that that class really put me in my stuff, man. It really puts you in
[43:04.060 --> 43:12.140] your feelings, right? And we don't we I use because I don't want to feel. And that's this
[43:13.180 --> 43:18.620] a lot of what I hear in recovery. I use because I don't want to feel, right? And when you feel
[43:18.620 --> 43:23.100] it's like, Oh, what do I do with this? Well, this place teaches you how to deal with that and what
[43:23.100 --> 43:30.940] to do with it. I trained the next legal clerk. I became part of the peer run program that runs
[43:30.940 --> 43:36.780] the house as the upper structure team, as they call it. So like, I knew all the rules that people
[43:36.780 --> 43:42.540] would come to me and ask me the rules and everything. I became well respected in the community,
[43:43.180 --> 43:49.580] which was great, not only with the peers, but also with the staff. I mean, they gave me the keys
[43:49.660 --> 43:55.180] to the frickin cigarettes. Like, now that's pretty trustworthy, right?
[43:55.180 --> 44:00.940] I'm making cuts in a kingdom. That's like, yeah, that's money, right? Yeah, you get two packs a week,
[44:00.940 --> 44:06.620] and you couldn't make it a week three with your two. Exactly. I could even you the key. So I mean,
[44:06.620 --> 44:14.060] I could say it now I never ran out of cigarettes. Okay, neater did my friends.
[44:15.020 --> 44:21.740] All right. So, you know, you try to like teach not to do that, but here it is. It's 100%
[44:21.740 --> 44:28.380] manipulation. It breeds and lives within that organism, right? But it was really great. And then
[44:29.180 --> 44:33.740] they asked me when I went to the sober living part of the program in 18 months, they asked me if I
[44:33.740 --> 44:38.060] would work upstairs in their 28 day program as a floor manager and I counselor in training. And I'm
[44:38.060 --> 44:42.700] like, well, yeah, they're like, well, you don't pay rent over at the vine. I'm like, deal,
[44:43.900 --> 44:49.580] because I needed a car. I needed a license. I needed at least eight grand to get all that done
[44:49.580 --> 44:53.580] with the interlock and the SR 22 and the car and block the list goes on. It's a great way to get
[44:53.580 --> 44:58.860] you moving that direction. So saving 600 bucks on rent really helped a lot. I got free meals,
[44:59.500 --> 45:02.460] you know, I got free rides. Change and change the life right there.
[45:02.460 --> 45:09.420] Yeah. And I was getting some more experience. Then they also asked me to teach the relationship
[45:09.420 --> 45:15.260] class to the TC residents. And like, that was really cool. Yeah, great opportunities.
[45:15.260 --> 45:21.580] Yeah. So. And so did you know at that time that you were on that path for for a counselor in training?
[45:22.220 --> 45:27.420] When they offered me the job up there? Yeah. Okay. I started taking some CAT classes.
[45:28.380 --> 45:35.180] And then this peer coaching opportunity arose and I was like, I can make money now doing this
[45:35.980 --> 45:41.500] as opposed to spending another 10 more months taking these classes just to get plugged into
[45:41.500 --> 45:46.460] a treatment facility, making minimal amount of money and dealing with, you know, knuckleheads
[45:47.180 --> 45:52.380] and punching a clock. Yeah. Right. So I got that opportunity and I took it.
[45:52.380 --> 45:52.940] Nice.
[45:53.900 --> 46:01.340] I completed the program a month early, which was like unheard of an opportunity arose for
[46:01.900 --> 46:06.220] a house where I now live with 300 guys that I've been through the program with.
[46:06.220 --> 46:11.740] So we know each other inside now, which is great. You know, in rules, don't get high.
[46:12.780 --> 46:17.180] Yeah. Don't use in the house. That's it. Period. Don't come back to the house using. Don't use.
[46:17.740 --> 46:20.460] Need to whatever else you want. I don't care.
[46:20.460 --> 46:24.780] Yeah. That one thing when you move in with people that you go through a treatment that
[46:24.780 --> 46:29.740] you go through treatment with, that's like that one solid plan you got to make. If you're anybody
[46:29.740 --> 46:36.380] relapses, it's like you got to have that plan. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a good feeling. So a lot of
[46:36.380 --> 46:43.260] what I got at my Q map certification while I was in Stout Street. So I left the treatment
[46:43.980 --> 46:48.140] because I couldn't take being there anymore for after two years. I needed to get away,
[46:48.860 --> 46:53.500] call it the green monster. So I went and I worked at a senior care living home as a Q
[46:53.500 --> 47:00.060] map and a caregiver for a few months. Wow. What an experience. Those people are so appreciative
[47:00.060 --> 47:05.100] because I could help them do for them what they couldn't do for themselves. I got to cook for
[47:05.100 --> 47:09.820] them. I got to clean for them. I got super amounts of praise. They were so they still
[47:09.820 --> 47:14.780] text me to this day. But politics got involved and I don't like politics too much.
[47:16.940 --> 47:22.860] And then I got this and I was like, you know what? I'm boom. Pull me full time. Give me some people.
[47:22.860 --> 47:32.780] And I've had a way of at first being a little unsure of myself, that unworthiness or that lack
[47:32.780 --> 47:37.260] of confidence flares up inside of me. Like, oh my God, I'm going to do something wrong.
[47:37.260 --> 47:41.980] Oh my God. And you're responsible for other people. Yeah. So yeah, you definitely have that
[47:41.980 --> 47:46.780] feeling of, oh God, I don't want to mess this up. Right. I mess this up. I mess them up. Yep.
[47:46.780 --> 47:52.060] And I've made some mistakes just like everyone. Nobody's gotten hurt. Nobody's died. Thank God.
[47:54.460 --> 47:58.700] And now I've become kind of like doing it on my own. Now I work for three different
[48:00.220 --> 48:06.140] recovery coach agencies spread across the board five different sober living houses. I have about
[48:06.140 --> 48:12.060] 23 clients that I work with. That's awesome. They call me amazing. I don't have to like round
[48:12.060 --> 48:18.540] them up like herd of cats sometimes. It's really a great feeling when they call and say, hey,
[48:18.540 --> 48:25.660] how are you doing today? Like really, that's that's a connection. So as a peer recovery coach,
[48:25.660 --> 48:30.620] you help link people up with resources in the community and then you stay in touch with them.
[48:30.620 --> 48:35.820] You check in to see how they're doing where they're at, what they need. Is that kind of how it goes?
[48:36.780 --> 48:41.580] Yeah. Yeah. You know, driver's license, social security cards, food banks,
[48:42.540 --> 48:50.220] sober living houses, programs, treatment centers, detoxes, all that, bus passes. I went out and bought
[48:50.220 --> 48:53.660] a couple of books of bus passes and handed them out to my guys so they can get to work,
[48:54.220 --> 49:00.220] helping them find jobs and job fairs. And then helping them find a lot of programs require 12
[49:00.220 --> 49:05.980] step meetings. You know, there's one here, but there's also one over here. There's one there.
[49:05.980 --> 49:11.260] There's one over here. Let's try a different variety and see what fits for you because not one
[49:11.260 --> 49:16.380] is going to be the same for you as it's going to be for me. You know, and you shouldn't be forced
[49:16.380 --> 49:22.140] to. I tell them when it comes to the sponsorship, don't swing at the first pitch. Listen to what people
[49:22.140 --> 49:27.260] have to say over time and then get a feel and see if you like what they say and then
[49:27.260 --> 49:34.140] make the move. If you need help, I will help introduce you because I've developed quite a
[49:37.580 --> 49:43.580] recovery network for myself that I become aware of. And then they've little do I know sometimes
[49:43.580 --> 49:47.980] they even know who I am. I'm like, how do you know who I am? Which that's really kind of like
[49:47.980 --> 49:54.380] an ultimate like aha moment. Yeah, definitely. Right. Ultimate compliment. It is. And I feed
[49:54.380 --> 50:00.940] off of that. Right. It's a sign that you're succeeding. Yeah. Yeah. And it's nice to know that you're
[50:00.940 --> 50:07.580] succeeding. It's a great feeling. And that, you know, not to throw a bunch of 12 step stuff in here,
[50:07.580 --> 50:15.820] right? But that's my spiritual awakening. Yeah. You know, when I start feeling that like glittery
[50:15.820 --> 50:21.900] like fluttery feeling inside my body that I've like helped somebody. Yeah. I get to be a part of
[50:21.980 --> 50:28.860] their recovery. And then they're part of my recovery as well. So when I when I do that, it's like super
[50:28.860 --> 50:34.860] uplifting. I've always been that kind of person, but I never really had a new added harness that
[50:35.580 --> 50:44.700] and use it to to my best of my ability and and have a sense of purpose where I respect myself.
[50:45.660 --> 50:54.300] You know, I really do respect myself and carry myself with a good message. I like to talk about
[50:54.300 --> 51:02.300] the solution. We all have more war stories. You know, they're all the same. We end up here, right?
[51:02.300 --> 51:08.540] But what do we do now, right? There's fun to be had. I took my guys to play arcade games
[51:08.620 --> 51:12.700] at a night. You know, like, Hey, let's get out of the house and go to an arcade. Yeah.
[51:15.980 --> 51:22.540] But what's the solution? I like to stay in that, you know, and the solution for me is check my ego,
[51:23.980 --> 51:29.900] maintain a certain level of pride within myself for what I do, make sure that I stay complacent
[51:29.900 --> 51:38.460] with my recovery and don't ever ever say anyone I got this. Because the minute you do is the
[51:38.460 --> 51:45.180] minute you don't, right? You know, I have to remember those things and I am have to stay involved
[51:46.060 --> 51:52.060] in a recovery in recovery no matter what it looks like. My life literally depends on it.
[51:52.060 --> 52:00.380] There's a guy at the meeting that says, you know, a pretty profound statement, but I don't want
[52:00.380 --> 52:07.500] to waste your time bleeping out. But you know, if you think that you can do this by yourself,
[52:07.500 --> 52:14.140] you're aft. That's right. Yeah, that's right. You can never do it alone. We have to. Yeah. Do it
[52:14.140 --> 52:18.220] together. Have to do it. It's like a team. You think of any team, right? That the quarterback
[52:18.220 --> 52:23.180] doesn't win the game, right? I'm a firm believer in John Madden football. It starts in the trenches,
[52:23.900 --> 52:29.100] right? The lineman half the block for the quarterback to be able to do anything. The car race driver
[52:29.100 --> 52:34.140] does not win the car race. The pick crew and everybody else and the guys that are measuring the
[52:34.140 --> 52:41.020] air pressure and all the science that goes along with that. Any team is going to win, right? But
[52:41.100 --> 52:47.100] no one person, not even an athletic marathon runner, he has a training team,
[52:48.380 --> 52:53.820] you know, everything that you look at is if you look at it like that, it makes it so much more
[52:53.820 --> 52:59.580] tangible that I can hold on to. And then you have a less tendency to want to go out and do the
[52:59.580 --> 53:08.540] things that we like to do when we're using isolate. No accountability. Running to self will run riot
[53:09.340 --> 53:16.540] all the time. So Stow Street taught me all those skills. I love that place. I have so much respect
[53:16.540 --> 53:22.540] for all of you Stow Street graduates. And like I said to you before we started, people that maybe
[53:22.540 --> 53:27.340] didn't graduate but went into that program are still in their recovery and look back and go. I
[53:27.340 --> 53:32.220] couldn't finish Stow Street, but I learned a lot from it. Like Stow Street is a tremendous place.
[53:32.220 --> 53:37.020] Yeah, just the seats that are planted from it. It's amazing. Behavior modification does so much
[53:37.020 --> 53:41.740] for so many. It's just that being able to change your perception and the way that you look at the
[53:41.740 --> 53:46.380] world. Those, you know, having that, having that done for you is an amazing thing.
[53:46.380 --> 53:53.260] It's it's incredible. I go back. I'm starting a new father's in recovery group on zoom. That's cool.
[53:53.820 --> 54:00.140] Because I struggle, you know, my 23 year old will talk to me. Can I blame him? No, I have to hone
[54:00.140 --> 54:06.380] it and accept it. A 21 year old does. So that's cool. We've talked to a lot of parents
[54:07.180 --> 54:11.820] have that same situation. Yeah, that same dynamic in their life that they want to work on. So I think
[54:11.820 --> 54:17.500] that's something that's needed. Yeah. Even if it's even if it doesn't solve and bring you together
[54:17.500 --> 54:23.740] for you to have an outlet to talk to other fathers, you know, and have that support group. 100%
[54:24.300 --> 54:32.620] Yeah. You went in to South Street to 16 21. Yep. From that day, it sounds like you have given
[54:33.260 --> 54:40.940] 200%. You've never looked back and you've really just embraced your recovery. A thousand percent,
[54:40.940 --> 54:46.780] not even to a thousand percent. But have you struggled during that time at any point? Or has
[54:46.780 --> 54:51.580] it just been, you know what? I've given it. And because I've given it so fully, it hasn't been.
[54:52.140 --> 54:57.100] I'd be lying to you if I told you I don't struggle. Yeah, I struggle a lot. I still have a lot of
[54:57.100 --> 55:02.540] character defects that I need to work on. That's again, why I have to be complacent with my recovery
[55:02.540 --> 55:08.060] and understand it. There even though I graduated the program, there is no finish line to recovery.
[55:08.940 --> 55:14.620] You know, nobody gets a blue ribbon. No destination. It's not done. It's not finished.
[55:15.180 --> 55:21.580] Never. So yeah, I do struggle a lot of times. I struggle with a lot of personal issues that
[55:21.580 --> 55:28.300] self-worth issue or lack of self-worth issue, you know, three years clean. And I'm like,
[55:28.300 --> 55:33.500] I want the world, right? I want the relationship, but I want this. And so there's areas in my life
[55:33.500 --> 55:40.140] that I still struggle with that flare up that internal lack of self-worth schema. How do I deal
[55:40.220 --> 55:43.580] with that positive self-talk?
[55:43.580 --> 55:50.860] Appromations. Yes. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. And I look in the mirror when I do it. I don't just say it to
[55:50.860 --> 55:59.580] myself when I'm driving in the car. I look in the mirror and say, hey, look, you may not have the
[55:59.580 --> 56:06.380] girlfriend, right? You don't need to go get more felonies and tattoos just to get a girlfriend.
[56:07.020 --> 56:09.660] Yeah. Right.
[56:11.020 --> 56:15.500] Things you don't have to do yet. But what you do have to do is you need to look, Timothy,
[56:15.500 --> 56:22.380] you're a good dude. You are worth it. Your kids know that you're worth it. And what you're doing is
[56:22.380 --> 56:29.580] like my good female confidant friend tells me that you're doing the Lord's work. You know,
[56:29.580 --> 56:37.660] and really, if you look at it, I'm not a big God person, you know, but it really is something
[56:37.660 --> 56:44.300] bigger than me. Yeah. You know, I'm not at all, I'm not much, but I'm all I think about a lot of times.
[56:44.300 --> 56:48.140] Man, we can self-animalize like crazy. Yeah, I'm all that.
[56:48.140 --> 56:54.460] The first thing I think about when I wake up, you know, so again, checking that ego, right?
[56:54.460 --> 56:59.980] Because our ego is not our amigo. It's not our friend. Her ego is not our amigo.
[56:59.980 --> 57:01.740] Right. We heard that right.
[57:01.740 --> 57:04.780] That's our ego. Somebody write that down.
[57:04.780 --> 57:05.900] Write it down.
[57:05.900 --> 57:09.980] You go is not our amigo. Right.
[57:09.980 --> 57:13.900] Just write that right there in the comments for people so that that lives forever.
[57:13.900 --> 57:15.580] Our ego is not our amigo.
[57:16.220 --> 57:17.100] Put that dance.
[57:17.660 --> 57:19.580] Dance. Put that in the byline.
[57:19.580 --> 57:21.500] All right. Thank you very much.
[57:22.220 --> 57:29.180] Yes. And I continuously go and not only work with people in recovery, which helps me,
[57:29.180 --> 57:37.340] but I also continuously go to meetings as a just person in recovery to be able to share that.
[57:37.340 --> 57:37.900] Right.
[57:37.900 --> 57:39.740] You know, I got you all to smile.
[57:40.300 --> 57:40.780] Oh man.
[57:40.780 --> 57:45.100] I know that's that's my main goal of the day, right? How many people can I have smile
[57:45.740 --> 57:49.660] in one day, including myself? Yeah, importantly. Yeah.
[57:50.140 --> 57:52.940] I mean, you got me smiling for so many reasons, smiling for your recovery,
[57:52.940 --> 57:56.460] smiling for the work that you do, smiling to learn about Stow Street.
[57:56.460 --> 57:57.660] I think the list can go on.
[57:57.660 --> 57:58.780] Yeah. Yeah.
[57:58.780 --> 58:00.620] It's I can go two hours.
[58:00.620 --> 58:01.580] Oh, absolutely.
[58:01.580 --> 58:02.540] Yeah. Absolutely.
[58:02.540 --> 58:08.460] So, I mean, now that we're kind of getting close to the end, there's always something that I like to
[58:10.940 --> 58:13.420] say when at the end of a meeting when I chair.
[58:13.980 --> 58:14.540] All right.
[58:14.540 --> 58:16.380] And those cameras are right there.
[58:16.380 --> 58:18.380] I always want you all that are in recovery.
[58:19.260 --> 58:25.100] I would like for you to challenge yourself to every day, look in the mirror and ask yourself
[58:25.100 --> 58:27.580] two questions and tell yourself one thing.
[58:27.580 --> 58:29.420] And those two questions are, are you done?
[58:30.060 --> 58:31.420] And how bad do you want this?
[58:32.460 --> 58:35.740] And the third thing to you ask yourself is that you're worth it.
[58:36.940 --> 58:37.340] Yes.
[58:37.980 --> 58:38.300] Yeah.
[58:38.300 --> 58:40.060] So, it's just that simple.
[58:40.620 --> 58:40.860] Yeah.
[58:41.900 --> 58:42.780] Thank you so much.
[58:42.780 --> 58:43.340] Fire it up.
[58:43.340 --> 58:44.060] Come on.
[58:44.060 --> 58:44.700] Yes.
[58:44.700 --> 58:45.260] Yes.
[58:45.740 --> 58:46.300] Yes.
[58:47.740 --> 58:49.100] Thank you so much to our guest.
[58:49.100 --> 58:51.740] Our guest has been Timothy DeWees from Denver.
[58:51.740 --> 58:53.420] He is a stout street graduate.
[58:53.420 --> 58:55.660] Currently works as a certified peer recovery coach.
[58:55.660 --> 58:58.620] That's for sober is, is that you work through?
[58:58.620 --> 58:58.860] Yeah.
[58:58.860 --> 58:59.500] Main agency.
[58:59.500 --> 59:03.100] And then you work through sober is with Aurora sober living.
[59:03.100 --> 59:03.580] Correct.
[59:03.580 --> 59:05.500] So shout out to Aurora sober living.
[59:05.500 --> 59:07.260] And thank you for the work that you're doing.
[59:07.260 --> 59:08.700] And continue, man.
[59:08.700 --> 59:10.300] Continue in your recovery.
[59:10.300 --> 59:10.860] Oh, yeah.
[59:10.860 --> 59:11.420] All right.
[59:11.420 --> 59:14.460] I look forward to bringing you back on again in the future.
[59:14.460 --> 59:15.740] Because you said you got two hours.
[59:15.740 --> 59:16.060] Oh, yeah.
[59:16.060 --> 59:18.780] So we got to bring you in for another hour.
[59:18.780 --> 59:19.500] All right.
[59:19.500 --> 59:23.580] My high, this program is brought to you with help from our friends
[59:23.580 --> 59:25.260] at caring for Denver.
[59:25.260 --> 59:27.580] So we want to thank them for the work that they do in the
[59:27.580 --> 59:31.660] mile high with supporting recovery.
[59:31.660 --> 59:33.420] And also, tribe recovery homes.
[59:33.420 --> 59:35.340] And if you want to reach out to tribe recovery homes,
[59:35.340 --> 59:37.820] if you're looking for resources for recovery,
[59:37.820 --> 59:39.020] you're looking for sober living.
[59:39.020 --> 59:42.300] You just have questions for you, a friend, a family member.
[59:42.300 --> 59:42.780] Do that.
[59:42.780 --> 59:49.340] It's 72060-Tribe, 72060-Tribe-T-R-I-V-E.
[59:49.340 --> 59:53.580] You can also find them at triberecoveryhomes.com.
[59:53.580 --> 59:55.660] And please reach out to us.
[59:55.660 --> 59:57.740] There's always somebody to help you.
[59:57.740 --> 01:00:01.340] And if we can't help you, we will find somebody who will.
[01:00:01] This is sharing our stories.
[01:00:02] Find it on Facebook.
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[01:00:05] Please like, share, and subscribe.
[01:00:07] And we hope to see you again with our next guest
[01:00:10] here to talk about recovery on sharing our stories.
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