Sharing Our Stories - Meghan Guerrie

[00:00:00] The views, thoughts and opinions expressed in the following program belong solely to the host and guest and do not necessarily reflect those of this radio station. Our parent company, advertisers or affiliates. Welcome to Sharing Our Stories. We share stories of support for individuals in recovery

[00:00:15] from substance misuse and mental health related issues. There are numerous pathways to recovery and each week we welcome powerful leaders and role models who have struggled in drug and or alcohol addiction, have found a pathway to recovery and who thrive as positive community members

[00:00:29] with an ongoing vision of success. Join us as we share our experiences, strength and hope. When the world says give up, hope whispers. Try it one more time. What's up Recovery Fam? And welcome back to Sharing Our Stories. My name is Slim along with Nani Al-Jaleel.

[00:00:46] I said that Nani. Oh, Shaleel. It's the same for you. On my weeper, you have to say it that way. We do. We have to slam around. From Try Recovery Homes in Mahaya, this is your first time checking in with us.

[00:00:57] Yes, this is sharing our stories in this program. It is all about addiction and recovery. And I said Mahai, but really what's up to the entire world? Thank you very much as we expand here with sharing our stories and increase our reach and thank you to everybody listening

[00:01:12] and watching from all over. We talk about recovery. We discuss where we've been in our addiction and then we share that yes, we do recover because there are many pathways to recovery and we want to share that there is a pathway for you if you are suffering.

[00:01:29] So thank you for being here. Nani! My love, I know. Why are you sitting so far from me? Because Tomas is not here. That's true. How are you? I'm doing really great. I've had a really great week. It's been busy, but it's been great.

[00:01:45] That's because you're always doing good things for our people. Reaching out. Now before we started though, before we came in here, we were our guests, by the way, let me just leave this down here. Our guest is Megan Guerri and she runs Sober

[00:01:57] is there a peer recovery coaching center. She's our guest, but before we started, we were in my office and Nani said that she came from a TC program and she used to be feral. Feral, like a feral cat. Yeah, it's true I was.

[00:02:12] I've never heard you use the term I was feral. I was like a feral cat. Yeah, but then I would- You were a wild, a wild animal. A wild woman in your addiction. Yeah. Because like when you said that, I literally, we were just sitting in the office.

[00:02:25] She said, and I was feral. And I looked at her like- It's not the Nani I know. It's true before I made it. You're in no way like that kind of person. No, I'm not.

[00:02:35] Today I'm not, but it took a lot of work for me to get here. And when I got to the Haven Pier 1 therapeutic community, they did a lot of work on me. Uh huh. They put me- I've never heard anybody say I was feral.

[00:02:48] I was like a feral cat. It's true. Like that is such a way to describe, you know, how you can be. Yeah. Yeah. And then to know how you are now, like you're a leader in the recovery community. Thank you. You're my right hand woman. Thank you.

[00:03:04] Here for sharing our stories. Thank you. And like I don't, I can't even picture feral. Then again, when I go back and I like re-listen to what you said when you came on this program. I can't picture any of that. Yes. You know? I don't picture the-

[00:03:17] I had a whole life before- Thug life. A whole life before I made it here. The hardcore like super girl. There was a lot going on. Not super girl, no, that's too positive. That was positive. That was too positive. That was too positive.

[00:03:31] We were supposed to be so positive. Yeah, there was a whole lot of life that I was living before I made it to this here microphone right now. But yeah, yeah, when I made it, when I got to the TC program,

[00:03:42] I mean, I did a lot, a lot of work and I was in that program for two years. Doin' work. You know, basically 24 hours a day. Changing my entire way of thinking. I had to change my entire perception. Everything that I did,

[00:03:59] we were programming all day long, every day. Do you remember that person that used to be that federal person? I do. I very much do. Is there a portion of her inside you where you're like, oh my God, don't let that out?

[00:04:10] Yeah, I mean, and that's why for me it's a, that's why I always say, you know, it's always a journey. It's never a destination. And I still every day have to put work in. And I chose, you know, I am in a fellowship.

[00:04:27] It's never, it's not ever going to stop for me because my disease is always very much alive and well. And so I went through behavior modification first and have joined the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous because I know that it's much more than just it's behavioral, right?

[00:04:46] It's always going to be behavioral for me and, you know, drugs and alcohol are just one symptom of my disease. But I can very much go back to the things that I know just like that. But yeah, I have to do things every day

[00:04:59] to keep myself on track. And I always feel. I love that you're aware of that and that you always are putting in work because a lot of people go, all right, I've gotten to this point. I have so many years under my belt. I don't do anything anymore.

[00:05:10] I just walk and live. Yeah. You know, but I love that you know what you need to do for you. Yeah. And that you continue to, you know, do that work daily. And I think, you know, and I mean, there's ebbs and flows, right?

[00:05:23] You know, I can get complacent sometimes and I can fall back into certain behaviors. And I'm human, right? But you're right. It is an awareness and I do my very best to stay on top of the things that I know that can get me.

[00:05:40] So I try to stay in my program and, you know, stay in gratitude and have friends around me who keep me accountable and my family and the people who love me but yeah, yeah, I know who I am and I know where I've been.

[00:05:54] And as long as it's people, places and things, right? It's those things that I know that will keep me trapped. So, yeah. That's my girl, Nani Al-Jaleel. Drive recovery homes, not Farrell. Not Farrell today. Yes. So, Mahai, we have a great guest. She runs Sober Is.

[00:06:15] Her name is Megan. I was looking at your last name. Megan Guerrari. I had to write it out phonetically because I didn't want to butcher it. And thank you for being here. We met at Landmark Recovery a couple of weeks ago. Landmark Recovery, another great organization

[00:06:33] here in the Mahai. It's a sober living facility and fantastic. We've had guests on here from there. But we met there and I met Megan and I said, you have to come on. You have to come on and share

[00:06:47] what it is that you do and, of course, in your recovery. So, Mahai, we welcome our guest, Megan from Sober Is. And she's from Colorado here to sharing our story. So, Megan, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Thanks guys. I appreciate you guys having me.

[00:07:04] I'm excited to be here. I love what you guys do because I'm all about like being loud about your recovery, right? The letter used to be the better. My story can help with one person then it was worth it or at least I hope so.

[00:07:17] So thank you guys. Yeah, like you said, I'm from Colorado. I was born in Vale. Was there for a very short time because my dad joined the military. And so military brat and moved all over. I went to six different elementary schools before fourth grade.

[00:07:35] So pretty normal upbringing, honestly. Like, you know, I have a sister and two younger brothers but the younger brothers didn't come around until much later. My dad, we were stationed in Miami and then lived in England for four years and then moved back to the States

[00:07:54] and my parents got divorced. So actually I had a British accent when I moved back. That's crazy. What's moving around like that? It was awesome. It was hard, right? Because you have to be adaptable because you're constantly the new kid which now I'm grateful that I have that.

[00:08:11] But when you're little it was hard. Just, you know, new place. Literally every year I was in a different school until fourth grade and then I moved here in fourth grade and was here since fourth grade. So I kind of got the best of both worlds

[00:08:22] because I have friends that I've known since I was in elementary school. But also when my parents divorced I spent every summer in Kansas and so I would be here for school and I'd be in Kansas for three months and then I'd come back for school.

[00:08:34] So I definitely found a way to fit in and that started with needing to be very helpful. I was always like the helpful one. And then being funny was how I made friends. So I can be helpful to you and I'm gonna try and make you laugh.

[00:08:52] And so that was just my childhood. Like I said, it was pretty normal. Me and my sister fought like sisters but we were each other's best friends because we were constantly moving together. And then after moving here in fourth grade

[00:09:07] I was able to establish a really cool group of friends. Some of them like I said, I'm still in contact with today. And nothing too crazy. I know some people share and they have horrible upbringings but I really can't say that about mine. Mine was really great.

[00:09:22] Like I said, I can look back now and just see that needing to be helpful and needing to be of service was kind of ingrained in me from a young age but yeah, things were good. Got involved in soccer. And things were just like I said

[00:09:39] they're pretty normal upbringing up until when I was in my sophomore year of high school was the first time that I really got introduced to drinking and drugs really, it was mostly drinking but weed was this huge thing when you were in high school

[00:09:53] or when I was in high school. And so that just made all that easier, right? Like that needing to be funny and needing to be helpful. Like that took that away because if everyone was drinking then we could just hang out

[00:10:05] and I didn't feel the need to be those things. And that became part of who I was. Like I was always gonna show up and be like the fun one. We were always gonna have a good time. And so from my sophomore year curing on

[00:10:19] like that was my main source of fun was you would go out and you would party. Didn't really have any other activities like everything surrounded that. And that felt super normal. That's what everyone was doing, you know? From that age and especially like

[00:10:33] with the friend group that I had and we partied all the time. But you know, again, got my first job when I was 15, kept a job, always worked worked several jobs through high school at one point but I'm sorry about my first car and things like that.

[00:10:50] And so I never thought I had any issues. Nothing really popped up for me with the drinking or anything until I mean the first run in I had with the police was I was 18, I got a consumption ticket. And actually I was told to drive home.

[00:11:07] I was the only one over 18. Wow. And the police, my friends wouldn't let the police inside and they were like banging on the door it ended up like 12 squad cars, drug dogs, like crazy thing and there was like 15 kids in the house partying in this apartment.

[00:11:20] And they came in and they were like get on the ground and I was sitting in the chair and they were like who's 18? And I was like me. And so they took my ID and they handed it but you know, gave me my ticket

[00:11:28] and they said you can go. And I was like I can drive home and they're like yeah you can leave. And I was like mom will you come get me? So my parents gave me, I was like I'm not driving.

[00:11:36] So that was the first time I had any issues surrounding drinking. But again it was normal. Everyone got one. Yeah those are those kind of things where it doesn't even raise a flag in your mind yet. No, it's normal. It's just the normal thing everybody's doing.

[00:11:51] And I had friends that kind of went on and got in more trouble. And I was like still like all I do is drink. Like I'm fine. Like I work and do take care of all my responsibilities. Everyone like turns to me when they need help.

[00:12:02] Again that helpful thing, no big deal. My nickname was like mommy Megan because I was the one taking care of everybody when we were partying and they were doing whatever. And so that's funny because fast forward to my rock bottom, the people that knew me back then

[00:12:17] were like I don't know what happened. Well you stopped and I kept going. That's what happened. And so I went to cosmetology school. Was gonna have all these grandiose plans for that when I was in my early 20s. Then met my son's father when I was 24.

[00:12:37] And all those plans went out the window because I was in like the super serious relationship and got pregnant when I was 26 with my son. And again, all of that was relatively normal. Me and my son's dad drank a lot together.

[00:12:52] That was also kind of like what we did. So it became something that was just part of my daily life. Then I stopped going out. So I think that kind of started to lay the groundwork for like instead of going out and being social

[00:13:03] like with my friends I would just be at my house and drink. And then when my son turned, well before my son turned one, me and his dad split up. And so that was super hard because obviously that was never the plan right?

[00:13:19] I came from a divorced family. So that was never really what I wanted for my kids but it was what happened. And it was really at that point with having split custody of my son because me and his dad have, we've had our ups and our downs obviously.

[00:13:35] That's why we're not together anymore but we've always been really good about prioritizing Emerson. And so we've always had split custody and shared custody of him. And so when I didn't have Emerson, now I wasn't on mom duty and I would just go back

[00:13:45] to going out all the time and partying all the time. And then when I'd have him, I would work my job, take care of my son. He would go back to his dad's. I would party like a rock star. He'd come back back on mom duty.

[00:13:57] And that's how it was for, I don't know, about a little over a year I was working two jobs and that was just kind of my life. But during that time, my mom got remarried shortly after my parents divorced. And so there was a man,

[00:14:16] my stepdad had been in my life for 20 plus years. He was my dad. You know, he helped teach me how to drive all these things. And so during that time when I left my son's dad, my mom and my stepdad were going through a divorce.

[00:14:29] And during that time is really where there was a shift in me from partying and fitting in to using it to cope with something. So before it was just like that social lubricant and that's really where it stayed. I got in some trouble, but I could not drink

[00:14:48] and I was like, I'm fine. It's not a big deal. It was for sure functioning normally outside of like, I'd be late to work a couple of days or there was things like that, but nothing major in my opinion. And then my parents got divorced.

[00:15:04] Me and my mom moved in together and for the first couple months, six months, none of my family knew they were getting divorced. It was, I grew up in a household where everything was fine. It's a fine household, everything's fine, right?

[00:15:14] So we don't, we don't air dirty laundry in public. Everything's fine. And so initially I was like, oh it's a great idea. She's leaving my dad, I'm leaving my son's dad and we can support each other because I couldn't be by myself, like live on my own.

[00:15:25] I didn't have that much income. And so we moved in together and then I had this huge secret that I was carrying around. And so we would go to family functions and no one would know she would excuse why he wasn't there.

[00:15:39] Even at one point, my dad who lives in Kansas came to town to see me and my son and he still has family out here cause my parents grew up in Colorado too and they, you know, my mom asked that I lie

[00:15:52] and not say that we live together. She locked her door and went and stayed in a hotel for the weekend so he could come and see our apartment and not know what was going on. So I was dealing with my own stuff, right? Leaving my son's father

[00:16:03] and then I was also trying to manage this whole situation. And there was, you know, cheating involved with them and so there was just a lot to carry around. And so that's, I just started drinking more. And you're kind of dragged into it. Right, right.

[00:16:17] And again, trying to figure out where I had to navigate my own emotions and also support her. And then also like feel like I'm lying. Like again, that lied to my dad's face. He came and walked around my apartment and I'm like, sorry, my roommate's out of town.

[00:16:31] And he's like, oh, that's fine. And you know, but it was just super uncomfortable. And so at that moment is where like that helpful prioritize other people in front of yourself really kind of reared its ugly head. And instead of dealing with it

[00:16:48] or finding healthy ways to cope or so, or you know, asserting proper boundaries, it was all drinking to like deal with it, but still trying to show up. Cause I'm not worth it, right? I don't deserve the time or the attention or the, you know, the focus

[00:17:01] cause I need to take care of everybody else while I'm like kind of spinning internally. And that is where the spiral started for me. From again, that kind of social, a lot of drinking a lot but more social aspects took using it to cope.

[00:17:16] And I can see that shift in that six month span of time. During that time, I was able to move out on my own and get my own place. So now there was no one watching me either

[00:17:29] so I could just go home and do whatever I wanted to do. There was no mom that was like, Megan, really you're drinking on the patio at six o'clock? And I don't, you know, I know Emerson's not here but are you sure there's no one to do that?

[00:17:41] And so it was, you know, whatever, whenever I wanted to. But mostly again, nights, weekends, but a lot. And so from there, the secret got out everyone found out my parents were divorcing. So that relieved a little bit of the pressure

[00:17:58] but I am very much so a person that wants to talk about things. Like we can move through it but we're gonna talk about it first. And my stepfather, ex-stepfather now is not one of those guys he is also very much so it's fine person

[00:18:13] just like my mom is. And so because he was the one that cheated in the relationship, he cheated with somebody that we knew actually was a close friend of mine of well of the families but me and her got very close after I left my son's dad.

[00:18:26] And so it was just a lot of turmoil and chaos. And so I wanted to have those conversations and he refused to. Him and my younger sister have always had a really close relationship. We used to joke growing up that she was the favorite

[00:18:39] that was just known to see the favorite whether it's funny or not. She's the favorite. And so they had a great relationship and he started to pull back from me which made it even worse because it's like I'm here taking care of mom making sure she's okay.

[00:18:52] I'm trying to navigate my, like what's going on with me and my son's dad and what that looks, life looks like now. And now she gets to still have this great relationship and I'm the one that's over here left high and dry even after I've helped him

[00:19:05] I've helped my mom. I felt you know I started to get super resentful. And I felt like anytime I would voice those things you know Megan was always the strong one and the helpful one and the fun. So like mom Megan's fine. She's always been fine.

[00:19:19] She's fine now. And so that went on for probably it was like probably another six months of watching that kind of happen. And I was just further and further into my drinking. During that time I met my now husband and he was kind of in a similar situation

[00:19:39] where he was on and off with the mother of his son. And so when we didn't have our kids that's what we did. We just partied together. And that fed my need for the attention that I didn't feel like I could get from anybody else

[00:19:52] and fed into the drinking because somebody else would do it with me and his friends would do it with him. You know, so we just kind of created this little group of people. And I started you know my anxiety was through the roof.

[00:20:03] My depression was through the roof because I was trying to manage life and having this like huge problem that was spiraling out of control. To the point where I was on anxiety and depression medication and on FMLA from work

[00:20:16] so that I could call into work and not get fired because my anxiety it was so bad but it was all stemming from the drinking. Like that's what you know. And so that, you know, just we were in that cycle right of just drinking more and more.

[00:20:35] It got to the point where I was drinking in the morning so I was so sick because that's how much it had escalated. And I was working for an insurance company at the time as an auto claims adjuster. So I was dealing with lawyers and car accidents

[00:20:46] and police and all that kind of stuff all the time. And that is a very high stress job. And so people at the office would be like, oh God I had to have a glass of wine last night to cope

[00:20:54] and I'm like, yeah me too but I had three bottles, right? And so there again I'm co-signing that it's fine because my partner's doing it. The people that work drink at night I'm drinking at night it's fine. And then well when I don't have my kid

[00:21:05] well why wouldn't I drink? Cause that's all I've ever done to be social and have fun. And so I was just all finding ways in all these different areas to co-sign what I was doing even though I could feel it like spiraling out of control.

[00:21:17] And it caused a lot of issues within my family so that made my family pull away more cause they didn't know what to do. And you know my stepdad I completely stopped talking to him and had a lot of resentment there and so again those are the things

[00:21:32] that just keep you sick cause they give you reasons to just do what you do. And so I went on a business trip for my job for some training and the weekend I got back I got completely annihilated and I had my son with me

[00:21:46] and I got a child neglect ticket. We were out walking around I was drunk apparently passed out and they found me somebody called the cops and my son was three years old at the time. So luckily my mom still lived in the same apartment complex

[00:22:03] cause we had lived together and then I moved into an apartment and she moved into an apartment in the same complex and she came and got my son thank God for that and taken to detox and got charged with child neglect.

[00:22:15] So that was the first big thing that happened to really shine a light on what was going on. Got scared tried to sober up but again I was drinking morning, noon and night like I knew because of the job I had

[00:22:29] I could go into work whenever I wanted as long as I was getting my work done they give you a lot of freedom cause it is such a high stress job and so I would go into work at 9.30 cause I knew the liquor store opened at nine

[00:22:38] on my way to work so I'd stop and I'd take a couple shooters. At one point one day I was I did that and whatever reason decided to throw them out my window in the parking lot of my office and I was leaving work late that night

[00:22:52] cause I had gone in late and somebody saw somebody had ran over the shooters in the parking lot and my coworker that was walking out with me she goes God we all have our vices and I was like yeah like got in my car

[00:23:01] and like got out of there as quick as possible and so after the child neglect ticket I was like okay I'm gonna try and sober up but I was so sick my you know shakes were so bad the sweats were so bad

[00:23:15] that it lasted for like a week and a half but then it was like okay I'll then I'm gonna manage it right I can't stop drinking but I'll just I just have one or two just to I'll be a few by then I'll be okay

[00:23:23] but I'm not gonna drink any more than that and so I was able to kind of piece a few weeks of sorority together and then I drink a little bit and then I piece a few more together and got through the CPS investigation

[00:23:37] and I got through these other things cause I wasn't drinking around my son and when I would drink it would I was trying to be you know very minimal just so I wasn't so sick So you're trying to hide Right Hide and pass through

[00:23:50] whatever hoops you had to jump through Right well and again in my mind it was like okay well if I don't do it when Emerson isn't around I'll be okay cause that's the big thing right when CPS is involved it's like you can do whatever you want

[00:24:02] when your kid's on around At this point you're realizing like you realize you have a problem and that you know you're in legal trouble and that there's something going on Yeah Yep exactly and so that was when it got scary for me cause that was the first time

[00:24:21] that I felt out of control prior to that it was always like yeah I drink a lot yeah we know Megan's gonna show up and be the fun like she's probably gonna take it too far but I got up and I got to work the next day

[00:24:31] and my work never got affected and I always showed up for my son and so that was the first time that he was involved and that when I really tried to stop I couldn't like my body would not let me

[00:24:43] and so again I'm just trying to bring it back in in small ways so that I'm not so sick and it took four and a half months to go through the court process cause my CPS case was open and closed within two and a half weeks

[00:24:55] like I mean I, when I say like I hit the ground running like I did like I did everything I was supposed to do but I had a court case kept getting pushed out cause they couldn't get that CPS report so finally I was charged

[00:25:07] without the report actually being sent through and have child neglect like I said on my record and it was put on probation and so I had a God's end of probation officer who was actually wanting to help it wasn't just about the consequence

[00:25:24] it was like what do we do to make this better cause she was the first person I started to get honest with like I'm trying man but this is not working and so I was, it was March of 2017 when I got that child neglect ticket and then

[00:25:42] was on probation starting in June July, so probation but I would drink and then just chug a bunch of water the next day and then I would drink and just chug a bunch of water the next day and I remember having conversations with her

[00:25:59] in those early few weeks of like working together and being on probation that she's like all of your UA's are diluted and I'm like yeah I just drink a lot of water you know but I knew what I was doing and so then July 31st of 2017

[00:26:13] I was driving to work some Monday morning and super jittery from the weekend cause I hadn't drank that morning but we drank all weekend I hadn't drank that morning and I was super late to work and so I passed the liquor store and I almost stopped

[00:26:26] but I'm like I'll go at lunch I gotta get to work and ended up having a seizure while driving I had just turned off a Rappahoe Road doing 55 onto Havana where it slows down to 35 there's apartments right there had a seizure while driving swerved across the road

[00:26:42] and hit three parked cars and totaled all of them mine and the three parked cars I don't remember the impact I remember coming to in the car because I heard the sirens and so I tried I remember trying to get out of the car

[00:26:56] and walking towards the ambulance and being like stop, stop, stop and then being put on a gurney in the back of the ambulance then it all goes black until a day and a half later and even the entire time I was in the hospital it was super foggy

[00:27:10] but come to find out I actually died in the ambulance and they resuscitated me I had another seizure I died at the hospital they resuscitated me and I had a blood clot aneurysm that had ruptured in my brain and so from time of impact to time of surgery

[00:27:25] it was less than an hour at this point my partner at the time had moved in my husband now but he was living with me and he was the main one that was getting the flak for my family because I couldn't be the one that had the problem

[00:27:41] so he was the one that everyone blamed for what I was going through even though it was completely my own doing and the reason that's important is because this car accident happens I leave Monday morning he kisses me goodbye I get in this accident have brain surgery

[00:27:58] and they actually found another aneurysm that hadn't or a blood clot that hadn't ruptured yet so they, yeah and so I have like screws you can feel them in my head because it was an emergency surgery I have loss of hearing in my left ear because the muscle

[00:28:14] that wraps around your skull they just detached it as fast as possible and so yeah I have hearing loss and screws and plates in my head and then spent seven days in the hospital and then the aneurysm had nothing to do with your drinking or anything

[00:28:29] they can't prove it I mean I had fallen a couple of time you know there's so many things that I could say it was probably that or it was probably that or it could have come from somewhere else but my blood was so thin

[00:28:37] from the amount of alcohol I was drinking that I travel you know I was not drunk the morning it happened I had not drank that morning but I for sure drink the whole weekend leading up to that and so I had also been driving without insurance

[00:28:54] because I had spent all my money on alcohol even though I was making you know $75,000 a year should have had plenty of money to pay my bills but I wasn't and so I was driving without insurance totaled four cars yeah so in the hospital

[00:29:11] no one called my partner he found out from my cousin on Facebook that reached out to him and was like do you know what happened with Megan and he was like no I haven't heard from her all day so that was super crappy he got to the hospital

[00:29:23] later that afternoon after I had surgery and I was in recovery down you know in what am I trying to say ICU and then they put me you know took me back upstairs after I had stabilized and I was on all sorts of medication

[00:29:42] I just had brain surgery and he you know was trying to help support me in the hospital and my family was there but my stepdad who I hadn't spoken to in a year was there because my sister was there and my mom was there

[00:29:57] and they wanted him there he had no business being at the hospital um and my son's dad and my son came which to me really made me angry because I'm not dying thank god thank god right but I didn't die

[00:30:10] and so why is my three year old son at the hospital it's because my family wanted to see him right so there's this whole time where I feel like again like I'm needing support and it feels like none of it was for me it was all for

[00:30:21] these other people around me um my closest frame of reference for anybody going through something like I went through was my mom actually had brain or brain cancer when I was in high school had brain surgery to remove the tumor and I just remembered into my family

[00:30:33] like rallying around her and me and my sister and they really showed up and during that time in the hospital there was people there but I was so upset because A they got my partner Seth kicked out of the hospital they said that he brought drugs

[00:30:50] and a knife in his backpack so they got him kicked out um for things like he was trying to read to me and my mom got angry because they said my brain needed to rest and he like brought Harry Potter because it's like my favorite series growing up

[00:31:02] and was trying to read to me and you know they said he unplugged my IV lines and just things like that that didn't happen but you know and whatever if they did that's their story it doesn't matter at this point right like I've moved past it

[00:31:15] but it was just this really horrible experience the surgery itself obviously and then after few days into after he you know he got kicked out of the hospital I wigged out in my hospital room because of everything that was going on and got sent back to ICU

[00:31:31] on a cycle for 72 hours which is almost worse than anything else if you've ever been on a cycle and shot to a bed it's terrible horrible and they moved me back upstairs in my family including my stepdad for so my stepmom my dad my mom my stepdad

[00:31:46] I'll try to have an intervention while I was on all these medications and had right and had just gotten off of a a cycle and the only person in the entire world that I wanted to talk to had been kicked out of the hospital

[00:31:56] and they took my cell phone and wouldn't let me call him so I basically told them all where they could shove it and I kicked them out of my room and then brought them all back in individually and told them exactly what I thought of them

[00:32:08] which has been held against me for a really long time and obviously like probably not the greatest situation but also like I'm I'm not in my right frame of mind like literally people were just like inside my brain playing around yeah quite literally like literally

[00:32:23] like probably not the time you know or place so I get out of the hospital and I go with my mom she brings me back to her apartment and I was like I want to go home like I want to go home and so I went home and

[00:32:39] it was just like crickets like I didn't hear from anybody and it just felt insanely isolating especially after this like it was literally like like like one in four people survive what I went through and it just felt like nobody was there so my brain

[00:32:55] here we are again like you literally just I'd make an end no one cares so why should I care so within two weeks I was back to drinking wow yeah lost my job I was already I'm hurting for you yeah it was it was

[00:33:11] I'm so glad you're sitting here with us it was horrible I've had to do a lot of work around that time because obviously my family has their own narrative of what happened they feel justified in some of the actions that they took because I know they love me

[00:33:31] but I didn't feel like it then and it took a long time just to to talk through that I was having a conversation a couple years back with my aunt who is I'm very close with her she's my godmother and I shared with her

[00:33:46] almost exactly how I shared with you and she's like God Megan I never looked at it that way I just looked at it from our side and how scared we were and I was like yeah and she's like that's horrible and I'm like yeah so you know again

[00:33:57] it's not to overly justify anything that happened leading up or after that but it was it's a really crappy feeling to feel like it doesn't matter and so yeah I was right back to the races I lost my job I was about to lose my job anyways but

[00:34:14] you haven't even fully recovered at this point no no no way you could have yeah it's only been a couple of weeks no I have stitches in my head I had so they sutured it my so I have a scar it goes from here

[00:34:29] and it wraps all the way down and around and goes behind my like if I move my glasses you can see the scar and I had staples and sutures in my head at this point I woke up in my head so I had long hair at that time

[00:34:42] not as long as yours but it was pretty long and from about here over my head was shaped and in the hospital because I was doing so well again Megan's fine right I was doing so well my family let me go into the bathroom

[00:34:56] by myself for the first time to see myself after this whole thing and that's part of what started this like spiral of like me freaking out cause I you know I had you know catheter sticking out of my head and my face was like huge it was just

[00:35:08] it was not it's a really horrible time and so because I lost my job I was on disability and so now I was just home being paid to be home and you're supposed to be paid to be home to get better and it was I was

[00:35:24] paid to get home and now I'm pissed off at the entire world and so now I'm just gonna go back to what my coping mechanism is and I went out on my birthday September 2nd my belly button birthday and I went out with friends and partied

[00:35:40] with staples in my head and my mom called my probation officer cause I'm still on probation at this point for my child in neglect ticket and she put a scram bracelet on me so I had a scram bracelet on which is probably that don't know

[00:35:54] is something that tracks alcohol intake checks your sweat and so of course I can't be sober so I start smoking weed for two I don't smoke weed I've never really been a pod head but for that two months man I was I was in it

[00:36:07] I was at the dispensary and like couldn't be sober I didn't know how to sit in all the uncomfortable stuff that had gone on and was going on it was just like this snowball you can just see it get bigger and bigger and in a really

[00:36:20] short amount of time honestly when like you know from 27 to 30 like it's not that long of an amount of time so scram bracelets on for two months I get that off I start drinking again I go right back to drinking the week before Halloween

[00:36:37] my son had a dentist appointment and I proceeded to chug 10 shooters before we went to set a dentist appointment with his with his dad and they wouldn't let me in the dentist's office I was so intoxicated yeah and they you'd be really drunk for people to notice

[00:36:51] when you're drunk honestly really drunk you'd have to really be on the top for people to say cause they wouldn't let me come back in cops were called I'm still on probation at this point cops are called get taken to the hospital I could have gone

[00:37:04] taken to jail but think I wasn't taken to the hospital to detox and my mom picked me up the next morning and fun full circle my ex met his current wife at that dentist's office so I have a constant reminder of that my son's stepmom

[00:37:22] still works at the same dentist's office so that's cool we have a good relationship now but it's just like God has a sense of humor thanks thanks for that so so yeah get out of the hospital literally walk back to my apartment cause we were still

[00:37:41] living in the same apartment complex and found a shooter and my person drank it there was no stopping at that point I was so far out of control and it felt like I was out of control like it was this compulsion like I couldn't stop

[00:37:55] if I wanted to but probation officer was like you need to do like I called her crying cause I was like I need to do something and so they started me on like in a version of EMDR therapy where they put electrodes on your head

[00:38:11] and try and like change your brain waves and stuff and I started IOP well that brainwave situation gave me like Rob Zombie status dreams like if you've ever seen House of a Thousand Corpses that's what I slept through every night oh my gosh so what do you do

[00:38:25] what do you do when you can't sleep? you drink about it so then now so now I'm going to IOP and I'm doing this thing and I'm still drinking like it's just it's insane to talk about it now like it's just crazy so that happened IOP was good

[00:38:39] I would dry out for three weeks drink again dry out for two weeks drink again and that was my pattern until beginning of February of 2018 so right for Halloween so October end of October detox crazy cycle ended up getting through a semester of college with an A

[00:39:00] cause that was what I was gonna do on disability still I'm gonna go back to school when I was sober and just this is a really weird time and then they fired my IOP counselor the place I was going to IOP and so I

[00:39:14] stayed sober for another three and a half weeks and then fell off the wagon I had been doing so well that my mom let me keep her car she went to visit my sister who at that time in my eyes was like the perfect one

[00:39:27] and her husband was he was in med school and so it was part of my resentment right like my perfect little sister we have a great relationship today and I love her dearly but this is my narrative in my head at the time

[00:39:36] so she goes to see her and leaves me her car cause I've done so well she's gonna let me drive her car cause I don't have a license cause I was driving without insurance and I told her my car but

[00:39:45] I can go pick up my son from daycare and just have a few days of normal while I started drinking and forgot to pick my son up from daycare when it was my day to pick him up best of my recollection is that I tried to drive

[00:39:59] to where he was and somewhere along the way realized I was too intoxicated left my mother's car in a parking lot ironically enough a preschool parking lot not my son's and Uber at home snowing outside don't have my keys sleep outside

[00:40:16] have the wear with all the next morning to remember I Ubered so I Ubered back to the car I left it parked with the door open in this parking lot it's like nine o'clock so the preschool is already in they've called the cops cause there's an abandoned car

[00:40:28] in their parking lot who have also contacted my mother cause they ran the plates and they found it was registered to her so I walk into the front doors of the preschool I'm sure I looked great and they're like are you Jan Reider's daughter and I was like

[00:40:41] mm-hmm I am so the car got towed I Ubered back to my house in my drunken stupor overnight I called the emergency line for the apartment complex like if you have you know what water main breach or whatever because I'm locked out cause I'm locked out yeah

[00:40:57] which they don't do lockouts FYI people they don't especially not outside normal business hours and I called about 60 times so I had to walk into the apartment complex main office and they're like if you ever you will be evicted and I'm like

[00:41:11] can I just have my key please thank you sorry I get in my house and I call my dad and I call my cousin and they're like you're like a cat with nine lives dude and you're on 12 like when is it enough and I checked into Parker Valley

[00:41:25] hope the next day yeah and that was March 3rd of 2018 and I've been sober since uh a lot of you know I for me rehab was finally admitting out loud that I had a problem even sitting through IOP even all the chaos that I had caused it was

[00:41:46] I'm too weak to deal with this it's my problem it's not that I have a problem it's that I am just too weak of a human to deal with this like you should be able to figure this out Megan and I went to rehab

[00:41:55] and I was in there with a doctor and a lawyer and a construction worker and just like all these different people from all these different walks of life and I was like oh it's just like a part of who I am not who I am right

[00:42:08] and it was it it was such a pivotal moment for me because then I could lean into asking for help if it's something that I can only fix internally I can't ask anybody to help me clearly my past has shown that no one's gonna help me

[00:42:20] or at least that's what my brain was telling me right so that's what rehab did for me and it was the best experience Parker Valley hope is an amazing program I cannot say enough about the people there it was an amazing experience they just get worked there

[00:42:36] it was incredible and so from there I was two weeks into rehab and I still had my apartment right I'm still on disability at this point and I actually did because I didn't have any insurance I didn't even have Medicaid at the time

[00:42:54] was did private pay to get into rehab my my grandmother had passed away nine months prior to this and I didn't get to say goodbye to her which was terrible I had three grandparents pass away in this time and I didn't say bye to any of them

[00:43:06] which was horrible but she passed away and left my dad some money so he had money to send me to rehab and cash pay for me to go and so I was very grateful for that because even the people that were there if you've ever been to rehab

[00:43:18] your insurance can pull at any time so you could be there for a day and your insurance could call and say oh that you didn't substantiate why she needs to be here and she's gotta leave and so I was able to stay the full 31 days

[00:43:28] but like two weeks into me being there me and a friend were like well you can move into my apartment because I know I can't be there by myself and I can't afford it but you can move in and we'll keep each other sober

[00:43:36] like I was grasping at straws of ways like how am I gonna take what I'm learning right now and not go back because to your point the people places and things right that gets like inundated like ingrained in your brain and I'm like

[00:43:47] places I have to go back to my apartment like what am I gonna do and that's when I found out and learned about sober living and I went I toured one well I was still in rehab I went and toured one place

[00:43:59] and there was like 17 women in a four bedroom house and there was like rickety partitions in between beds and I'm insanely arachnophobic and I walked into the basement and this chick has a fricking tarantula and I'm like no no I'm screwed I'm going home

[00:44:13] and I'm probably gonna drink again because I can't live here like what am I gonna do and and then I found sobriety first so they came they picked me up but toured their house I actually went and toured twice cause there was a couple of girls

[00:44:27] that I was in rehab with that I was like you have to see this house like it's so great and ended up moving in to one of the sobriety first houses and remained in sober living for 12 months almost exactly so rehab taught me that it wasn't me

[00:44:42] it was a disease and that it could just be a part of who it was like now I'm like I have purple hair and green eyes and I'm an alcoholic like it's just part of who I am right and then sober living showed me how to live sober

[00:44:54] like that I could be out in the world and it was great cause even when I you know was struggling I could have had a silver place to go back to and people around me that were trying to do the same thing

[00:45:03] and it was just this really cool supportive environment and so I got a sponsor that's what you know you're supposed to do I got a sponsor and I still am not driving at this point so being in P V H I went to a lot of meetings

[00:45:16] in the Parker area that were wonderful but then moving back into Aurora it was hard to get down there public transportation wasn't what it was this is pre COVID so there isn't zoom options like there are now and just the spaces and the places and the

[00:45:29] where I was going just I didn't land with it like again I got a sponsor but we never really clicked we're still friends on Facebook and she's an amazing woman but it just I never was able to really find my group with the steps and so I

[00:45:43] started taking bits and pieces from all the people that were around me right like I knew there was a meeting I could go to if I needed it but I also knew I had this woman in my house that I looked up to that I could talk to

[00:45:51] if I needed to and I got a therapist and so by the time I left sober living I had this really cool web of people around me and that's what I attribute the fact that I've been able to maintain my sobriety for the length of time

[00:46:04] that I have is that I just I have all these different pieces and parts of my world that I've created like I collect people and collect things and experiences you know as I go along and that's what keeps me sober and staying teachable and self-aware to your point

[00:46:19] so again no and also no like if it's not working right now what do I need to change what do I need to switch up because it's constant constant it's it's not as hard today as it was right it does it becomes part of what you do not

[00:46:32] I have to do this thing yes but you know almost six years later on Sunday I'll have six years yay yay yeah and that's what I try and give back to the community now is because when I left sober living it was like

[00:46:49] well if you don't do A, B and C you're gonna be back here and I'm like I don't I don't think I'm gonna be back here but I haven't done A, B and C and so it was this scary thing

[00:46:57] and I started to get more time on my about and I started feeling stronger and still doing and using these different tools that I had and I knew I wanted to give back to the community but I'm like well I'm not gonna sponsor because that wasn't my path

[00:47:07] and I'm not gonna pretend that it was it helps so many people it just wasn't mine yeah and so when peer coaching was introduced to me I was like I can do that like that I have and it like I mean it literally like gives me goosebumps

[00:47:20] and so four years ago I started coaching and I've coached with different entities I've coached in different organizations and now able to have my own team of people that work with me at Sober His it's just I know it's like pinned to me in my inner dream

[00:47:34] because it's just the coolest thing that I get to do now and so to share my story it does truly feel like this weird movie almost like I know it happened and I know it's part of my life but like the juxtaposition between that

[00:47:47] and now is just crazy and to be able to share that with people that that's so possible and but everything that I went through is why I can do what I do today and it it didn't change who I was it helped me heal the pieces

[00:47:59] that got me sick and then it helped lift up the parts of me that I always was trying to be right and so I'm grateful for everything and I mean I'm I hate that I hurt people I hate that my son had to you know

[00:48:14] see he doesn't remember mommy drunk but he was there for stuff you know I hate that but if I if I changed any of it I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you guys today and so I wouldn't change a thing

[00:48:26] I had to sit in the court of law and testify for custody of my stepson and they they drug up my past and the lawyer was you know well you only have 12 months and I'm like well if you do the math I have 25 but whatever you know

[00:48:36] like it was just like she you have a child neglect ticket and read your record and you know just dragging me through the mud and that's exactly what I said to her like on the stand I was like yeah that's all true

[00:48:45] but if I had to do it again to sit here and have the beautiful life I have today I would absolutely do it again because today is if it could have been different that would have been great but if it was different

[00:48:57] it wouldn't be what it is now and so that's what your every gives you right like that piece of knowing that that's part of it so what do you see in the mirror now I try I see all those those pieces of me that I'm proud of

[00:49:14] I really am proud of the person I am I think I am you know I'm tenacious I'm stubborn I joke with my husband that like all the things that make me annoying make me successful because I'm insanely stubborn and a little bullheaded sometimes but I'm caring

[00:49:30] and I want to help and I want to share that there is another way and to have found something that I get to do every single day with the amazing group of coaches I get to work with I have the coolest team you guys like

[00:49:41] you've had some of them on this show we talked about that before we started and like it's just the coolest group of people and watch the light come back on in people's eyes is amazing so yeah I see somebody that's I'm happy and secure and grateful and

[00:49:56] all those wonderful things that I always wanted to be and was masking and or that thing I had to mask and or that no one else would see or care to see so it's just a really cool life I get to live today I'm super grateful so yeah

[00:50:10] what are some of the things and and we ask this but what are some of those things that you get to do for yourself and your recovery every day sure I have this love-hate relationship with the term self-care because when I was in early recovery

[00:50:25] it was talked about a lot because it is and self-care is important but for me at the time as like a single mom going to the bus two hours each way to get to work every day and stuff like to me self-care was like an extra three minutes

[00:50:36] in the shower that was my self-care and other girls were like oh I sat on the couch and been watched friends and then I'm you know and that was their self-care and I'd be like nice so you know like cool for you so no my self-care now

[00:50:48] is like these little moments that I steal back for myself I listen to Audible in the car I love podcasts and listening to books I'm I am so busy I have my two my boys are both 10 my stepson and my son are 10 they're six months

[00:51:00] and three days apart and then my 15 year old nephew recently moved in with us so I have a house full of boys and then this business and I don't have time to read so I listen to it in the car and so I sometimes I almost get annoyed

[00:51:10] if someone like wants to go somewhere with me cause I'm like damn it no I can't listen in the you know can't listen to my book in the car I feel like an old lady I always say books on tape and I'm like God I'm old no Audible

[00:51:19] I listen to Audible in the car it's not books on tape I feel the same that I love my podcast all the time I do too all the time okay good thank God I say it all the time like the book on tape I mean Audible

[00:51:28] and I get it I'm like don't ride with me because I want to listen to my podcasts okay thank you thank you I feel like an ass sometimes cause I'm like are you sure you want to go? that happens to me at lunch time all the time like

[00:51:38] do you want to ride with me for lunch I'm like no thank you I want to be in my own car I'll meet you there yep I'll see you there yep sorry and that's you know that's a big one for me that's a big one

[00:51:51] and I have my crazy colored hair that was something that I was like you know what I work for myself screw it I want to have yeah like my 16 year old self would love my hair so I'm like that part of me is 100% love yourself come on

[00:52:03] no totally especially now oh god yeah absolutely no I do what I want now I put that I got in my hand tattoo this is let them so when I shake people's hands it's like mm-hmm that's why I put it there let them let them yep

[00:52:14] let them think what they want that's it say what they want and you've got the tattoo there that says 303 which is not for Denver no it's not I mean I love Denver it is your but it's my sobriety date yep March 3rd 2018 mean it yep yes

[00:52:29] and you know it's there like I don't have any plans I don't plan to drink today and I don't plan to drink tomorrow mm-hmm but whatever the future holds for me like that date is special and it was the date my love changed forever yeah no matter what

[00:52:39] it's your new birthday it is absolutely so yeah this weekend Sunday we'll have six years so yeah for those listening on the radio that is today if you're listening on the radio yes so hey so sobriety first was your sober living yes

[00:52:57] and you were there for a year mm-hmm mm-hmm was there any hard points while you're living in sober living so many I need out of here or many they made you there's so many and there's this thing in recovery right where like we need to get rid

[00:53:09] of our resentments and I completely agree with that because those things keep you sick but so I want everybody to know it's not always easy but that but those resentments because I did so to your point was I met so many people that I was like

[00:53:19] you are the reason I will never do this again I never want to deal with your drama I never want to deal with your entitlement I never like because you don't get to choose it's like the most effed up version of like the real world ever you know

[00:53:29] it's like seven strangers picked to live in a house and they're sober like what it's crazy if they could put cameras in there I can only imagine what they would record but so again I met amazing people but I also met people that I was like you are

[00:53:42] I will not put myself my side I will never be here again so thank you for that motivation so some could call it resentment but to me it was motivation like nope it was a lesson so yeah it was the hard parts amazing parts but so grateful

[00:53:57] sober living is what had what is why I'm sober today like rehab was great but sober living is what taught me how to be sober in the world and working and all you know everything because just because your sober life doesn't get perfect and easy

[00:54:10] if that was the case everyone would be sober well you said at one point you were like I was two weeks in yeah at the treatment and you were saying to a friend that you had made there hey let's go live together and let's do this

[00:54:20] and let's do that and in my head I was like oh no it's not gonna be good right no but then you you literally said I learned to sober living instead and I stayed there for a year which that was just like a big like

[00:54:32] that's a big deal yeah some people a lot of people go hey 90 days was all I could take or six months yeah and that's pretty standard it's like I did about six months and I was done yeah I try I mean in all fairness I did

[00:54:44] there was several moments where I'm like guling basements for rent or rooms for rent but I also was stubborn enough to know like I've done all of this work and if I don't find the right situation I'm gonna be right back here yeah so that same thing

[00:54:55] of like I don't wanna I don't wanna do this again and so actually when I moved out me and my partner moved into a one bedroom apartment it was a one bedroom and a den one bathroom with me and with you know us and our two kids

[00:55:08] they shared the master we had the den didn't even have a closet I was working in retail at the time and they were getting rid of rounders you know those like glass rounders and so I took one home and that's what we had for like

[00:55:18] our closet in the den that like where our bedroom was and like literally he would venmo me 50 cents for the bus I'd send him a dollar for the bus like we had nothing except enough to pair bills and that's all that mattered and from there

[00:55:30] you know now we like own our home we have a nice cars and like these businesses and so like it's it's just so crazy to look at where we were to where we are now but it's that like one day at a time truly one second

[00:55:42] at a time sometimes and being open to the possibilities into the conversations because you know he found this apartment we were looking at apartments we couldn't find any in our budget he runs a dog business and he was walking a dog and he walked through this apartment complex

[00:55:56] and saw the door open to this apartment and he's like that's I think that's the one bedroom and so he called that day and got pricing on this apartment and it was in our price range but had he not been looking it would have walked right past it

[00:56:08] and we who knows where what would have happened you know because we couldn't afford anything and so you know it's just doing the next right thing staying open to things and being willing feeling willing yeah and it will take you a long way

[00:56:22] and sometimes it's one step forward two steps back but you're you know you just keep marching and and it gets easier so your peer recovery and your peer recovery coaching is called sober sober is pure recovery coaching yet and it can be found at sober is dot life

[00:56:37] yes sir it can we work with all rays of Medicaid and private pay clients right now we have 14 coaches and we're kind of spread all over Denver Metro area some clients up in the Gunnison County area so like we're just all over and our our whole thing is

[00:56:50] we're not aligned with any specific sober living or treatment facility we literally get clients from all over and meet people in the community and meet them where they're at so that's to say like if you're in sober living if you're living by yourself

[00:57:01] and you want to go grab coffee if you know like just we are in the community completely and I love that because we are truly like boots on the ground and you know we do a lot of really cool fun stuff that's a big thing for me

[00:57:12] is how do you have fun and recovery especially early on I was so busy working and paying my bills like I didn't ever really look up to have fun right thank God for sober living because the girls in my house like made me have fun but I

[00:57:24] you know I didn't do a lot of fun stuff and so we do we do barbecues and do reservoir days we went to Eletches and Malibu Flashjure and Botanic Gardens and this year we're actually doing a three part concert series with sober AF

[00:57:37] so we're gonna do this like huge festival food festival not for festival can you send me links to all this we can share with everybody absolutely there'll be music and food trucks and the whole idea is like family

[00:57:46] it's gonna be at a huge park with a water park and just bring your family and have fun and get cool resources right like there's so many cool resources out there for people like no one should feel stuck it's so easy for your addiction to tell you

[00:57:56] you're stuck and you are not stuck there's so much out there and we want to bring that to everybody so I will for sure share all those resources please do and I want to go that's the other reason please please please come I need some fun

[00:58:06] I need some fun I'm not having enough fun I need to have some fun yes we all could have more fun can you ever have too much fun well you can't have too much fun too much sober fun no no no never no it's yeah it's

[00:58:18] that's the whole point right is to enjoy your life and so have some fun Mahai our guest has been from sober is you can go to sober is now life it is Megan Guerrero and celebrating six years yes on the third of March so yes congratulations

[00:58:34] thank you guys so much thank you so much for coming in and thank you for sharing Mahai please do go to her website all sober fan please check it out that is life sober is dot life this is sharing our stories I do want to make a correction

[00:58:49] to something that I said at the beginning of the program and that's landmark recovery they are a treatment and a treatment center not a sober living so if you are looking for treatment landmark recovery works with as a treatment center once again this is sharing our stories

[00:59:05] we're here every week you can find us wherever you listen to your podcast you can find us on YouTube and of course we are live on Facebook please like subscribe share follow all of the above so that we can spread the message of recovery

[00:59:19] and that there's many pathways to recovery there's not one way if 12 step doesn't work for you there are other options there's so many options your your way of recovery might just be you know what I locked myself in my house and every day I just kept praying

[00:59:36] and you know what that is a way to your recovery too so whatever your pathway to recovery is we want to let you know there is one for you this is sharing our stories and we'll see you again thank you to our guest Megan Guerrari thank you

[00:59:49] thank you guys recovery fam thank you