[00:00:03] There's what we might call the art of sharing, the art of sincere communication, the art of

[00:00:11] creating depths with others, the art of truly listening and beholding others.

[00:00:17] And I want to get to that art.

[00:00:19] But before I do, I want to also mention that not sharing is an art too.

[00:00:25] Not a beautiful kind of art, but an art many of us have become masterful at.

[00:00:32] The way we throw out platitudes, the way we talk about the weather, the way we deflect

[00:00:38] back to the other person.

[00:00:40] Many of us have built our whole lives in defense against being vulnerable, in defense against

[00:00:48] being transparent.

[00:00:51] Hiding who we are and making our way through life never bringing our true thoughts, our

[00:00:58] true feelings, our true embodiment of our experiences in a way that can be witnessed

[00:01:05] and beheld by others in a way that leads back to really embodying ourselves.

[00:01:11] For some of us we're like ghosts.

[00:01:14] We're walking dead.

[00:01:16] Our thoughts and feelings exist in some sort of nothingness and we refuse to use

[00:01:22] this physical plane, our material existence to bring who we really are forward.

[00:01:29] Now sometimes not sharing can be kind of cute.

[00:01:34] I'll give you an example.

[00:01:36] One of my favorite shows of the 2000s was called Rescue Me.

[00:01:40] It was a show about New York City firefighters after 9-11 and we get to see all their

[00:01:47] hijinks.

[00:01:48] But one of my favorite relationships in the show is the relationship between Tommy, played

[00:01:54] by Dennis O'Leary and his father.

[00:01:58] And at one point they have an exchange and we're given subtitles of the exchange.

[00:02:04] The exchange is normal but the subtitles express what they're really feeling.

[00:02:08] Hey dad, where's mom?

[00:02:11] She's upstairs.

[00:02:12] The subtitle reads I'm too tired to go upstairs.

[00:02:16] Hey, you're going to watch the ball game today dad?

[00:02:18] Yeah, I sure hope that picture for the Mets gets skin cancer.

[00:02:22] Not enough to kill them but to keep them out of the game.

[00:02:26] And the subtitles we read I love you.

[00:02:30] I miss you.

[00:02:31] I'm so proud of you.

[00:02:33] Yeah, yeah dad, I hope the shortstop, etc., etc.

[00:02:36] And we hear and read I love you too.

[00:02:40] The scene ends shortly after and it gives us a laugh and yet it gives us a viewpoint into

[00:02:46] how the art of not sharing has become such an important part of our lives.

[00:02:52] And I don't know, maybe we don't need it.

[00:02:55] Maybe my son doesn't need to hear me tell him how much I love him.

[00:02:59] Maybe I don't really need to hear how loved I am.

[00:03:03] Maybe there are a lot of secrets that are best kept that way.

[00:03:07] Maybe there are a lot of conversations that are too deep, too emotional to have.

[00:03:13] I grew up in a family without a lot of intimacy.

[00:03:17] It wasn't that love wasn't present but intimacy wasn't expressed a lot.

[00:03:21] We weren't very huggy people.

[00:03:23] We didn't say I love you back and forth.

[00:03:27] Often courageous conversations that needed to be had didn't have and maybe like

[00:03:32] your family there were always secrets or elephants in the room or things you would just never

[00:03:37] bring up, things that weren't talked about.

[00:03:40] And up into my late 20s even when I was a minister I would say to you if you asked me what my

[00:03:45] greatest fear was it might be saying I love you to a family member.

[00:03:50] And it's not that my family didn't know that I loved them or I didn't know that

[00:03:54] they loved me but there was so much pent up emotion.

[00:03:59] Those words had never really been shared at least in a long time and if they had

[00:04:04] it was probably just in a kind of salutation of ones on Christmas here or there kind of thing.

[00:04:09] And so to say it for me would be to bring up so much emotion that my fear would be

[00:04:15] breaking down and I do remember finally saying it to my father and we exchange

[00:04:21] I love yous all the time now but it was really simple but it was a big deal.

[00:04:26] But when we keep stuff hidden inside so long I think I had too this great fear

[00:04:32] of rejection that it wouldn't be received that there was a fear that my dad didn't love me

[00:04:39] or my mom or whatever it may be and it sounds ridiculous to say out loud but

[00:04:44] that's the importance of sharing.

[00:04:48] And that's the trouble that the art of not sharing can get us into.

[00:04:52] It can make us paranoid.

[00:04:54] It can make us not real.

[00:04:56] It can take us away from being grounded.

[00:05:00] And so I think that the courage to practice the art of sharing can change all of that.

[00:05:06] I remember having a fiance once and we had a few weeks near the end of our relationship

[00:05:13] where we would go out to dinner and we'd have nothing to say and we both kind of agreed

[00:05:18] well this probably just means that the relationship's over.

[00:05:22] Looking back now and talking to so many couples who break up you know we'll say

[00:05:28] something like well we just grew further and further apart.

[00:05:33] The great Norman Lear talks about an ex-wife of his and says we lived in separate universes

[00:05:39] separated by infinity and I always appreciated that.

[00:05:43] But what I really wonder looking back at that past relationship of mine or friends of mine

[00:05:50] that have broken up, not that they haven't broken up for good reasons but I do wonder

[00:05:54] is it that you grew further and further apart or did you just not have the tools to grow closer

[00:06:01] and closer together?

[00:06:04] What I'm going to invite you to do today is not to become a master in the art of sharing

[00:06:10] but my message is for those of us who have been masters at the art of not sharing in

[00:06:17] the past.

[00:06:19] I'm not talking so much about the art of sharing but for those of us who have practiced

[00:06:23] the art of not sharing with such skill would you be open to building the environment where

[00:06:30] the art of sharing can take place?

[00:06:33] And it's three distinct qualities, presences, environments.

[00:06:40] It's about environments of listening, environments of support and environments of trust.

[00:06:49] What I'm saying to you is you don't have to share yet but what I am saying is can

[00:06:53] you practice listening a bit more?

[00:06:56] Can you practice listening by asking more clarifying questions?

[00:07:02] Can you practice listening by being more present to who you're with?

[00:07:05] Put the phone down.

[00:07:07] Can you practice listening by repeating back what you think you heard your friend or

[00:07:12] your partner or your child say?

[00:07:16] Can you practice listening by maybe even taking that at a deeper level and perhaps

[00:07:20] interpreting some of what might have been unsaid, not speaking for them but checking

[00:07:26] in.

[00:07:27] So seek to create environments of listening.

[00:07:31] Seek to create as well environments of support perhaps even without asking.

[00:07:38] Share with someone a quality you see in them.

[00:07:41] Do what you can to say that you sincerely care about them and sincerely want the best

[00:07:47] for them by not only listening to what they have to say but by letting them know that you

[00:07:54] support them, that you see the best in them, that you think they are doing the best they

[00:08:00] can.

[00:08:01] There's something about that supportive environment that helps the people who are with not feel

[00:08:06] judged or that we care about their interest versus their not interest.

[00:08:12] I had great teachers in love, Mary and Alan Feldman.

[00:08:16] Alan and Mary used to say to me, Josh through our whole relationship the thing that ties us

[00:08:21] together is the knowledge that we know the other would never intentionally hurt the

[00:08:26] other person.

[00:08:28] That's always been meaningful to me because it didn't mean they didn't hurt each other

[00:08:31] all the time but never on purpose.

[00:08:35] So if someone had a hurt it was an opportunity for sharing because the other person got to

[00:08:40] clarify how it wasn't their intention and they got to hear how the hurt affected the person

[00:08:46] so that they could correct or try to correct that behavior in the future.

[00:08:50] So seek to create environments of listening and environments of support.

[00:08:56] Lastly, create environments of trust.

[00:09:01] That's the thing with trust you can't fake it and those of us who are artists

[00:09:06] at not sharing we really struggle with trust.

[00:09:11] So how can we build trust?

[00:09:14] That listening and that support really help but sometimes we have to be willing to be vulnerable.

[00:09:20] We have to be willing to share a little something about how we feel without passive aggressiveness

[00:09:26] but with honesty and with openness.

[00:09:30] I always love to piece from the great Carl Rogers that talks about the ideal childhood.

[00:09:37] A way of feeling, a way of knowing that I wonder it might be meaningful to anyone who

[00:09:43] might be watching this tonight.

[00:09:48] Rogers tells the story of parents struggling with their child.

[00:09:52] Mom wants her son to do well in school and dad thinks his son should learn things

[00:09:56] the way he did.

[00:09:58] With Rogers' help they begin to trust their son.

[00:10:01] They begin to listen to him more closely.

[00:10:04] After a while he starts to figure out things for himself.

[00:10:08] Rogers shares, I sometimes fantasize about what it would mean if a child were treated

[00:10:13] in this fashion from the first.

[00:10:16] Suppose a child were permitted to have his own unique feelings.

[00:10:19] Suppose he never had to disown his feelings in order to be loved.

[00:10:23] Suppose his parents were free to have and express their own unique feelings which

[00:10:27] often would be different from his and often different between themselves.

[00:10:32] I like to think of all the meanings that such an experience would have.

[00:10:36] It would mean that the child would grow up respecting himself as a unique person.

[00:10:40] It would mean that even when his behavior was to be thwarted he could retain open

[00:10:45] ownership of his feelings.

[00:10:47] It would mean that his behavior would be a realistic balance, taking into account

[00:10:52] his own feelings and the known and open feelings of others.

[00:10:57] He would, I believe, be a responsible and self-directing individual who would never

[00:11:03] need to conceal his feelings from himself, who would never need to live behind a facade.

[00:11:09] He would be relatively free of the maladjustments which cripple so many of us.

[00:11:16] Could that be true of the art of not sharing?

[00:11:19] Could that be true of the real consequence of it?

[00:11:22] Is that it cripples us?

[00:11:24] That it forces us into be superficial beings as opposed to who we really are?

[00:11:29] That who we really are becomes alien to us, perhaps even non-existent?

[00:11:35] It's the art of sharing which I really think is the art of creating these

[00:11:40] environments of trust, of listening, of support that helps us become who we really are.

[00:11:48] The art of sharing is those moments when we know to keep our mouths shut

[00:11:53] because there isn't trust or because there isn't listening or because there isn't support.

[00:11:59] We have to watch out for that because sometimes that distrust is deep in our

[00:12:03] most intimate relationships.

[00:12:05] We have to build it before we really share.

[00:12:07] We have to make sure that we're not trying to share our life story on a roller coaster,

[00:12:12] right, that someone's present to us.

[00:12:14] We have to make sure that the person does love us and even if they may be angry with us

[00:12:19] or not support us in something that we're choosing, that they support who we are.

[00:12:25] When we know those things are there, when we work ourselves to create those environments as well,

[00:12:30] we can begin to bring who we are, our feelings, our thoughts, our dreams,

[00:12:35] our visions out in such a way that guess what?

[00:12:38] They become real.

[00:12:40] So just taking a prayerful moment today.

[00:12:47] May we better commit to practicing the art of sharing first with ourselves.

[00:12:55] I invite you to ask yourself as I ask myself, how can I better listen to myself?

[00:13:03] Is it a commitment to journaling more often?

[00:13:08] Is it a commitment to have a little bit more silence on the commute?

[00:13:15] Whatever it may be, how can I better listen to myself?

[00:13:20] How can I better support myself?

[00:13:24] Ask yourself that question.

[00:13:28] How about giving myself the benefit of the doubt?

[00:13:32] How about looking back at my life and say, you know,

[00:13:34] I've got a better track record than I think.

[00:13:38] How can you better support yourself?

[00:13:41] And lastly, how can I better build a relationship of trust within myself?

[00:13:47] Is there a part of me that it's portrayed myself that I need to call back and forgive?

[00:13:54] Is there a part of me that is faking a sincerity with myself,

[00:14:00] kind of pathetically like one who fakes an orgasm and tells themselves that it's true?

[00:14:07] How can I better build trust so that I'm aware of my own thoughts and feelings

[00:14:14] that even if I choose not to share them with others, I can be clear so that I can articulate them

[00:14:20] to myself at a later time?

[00:14:23] What does it mean to trust in our body, trust in our mind

[00:14:28] so that the secrets can be told so that the best of ourselves can come forward

[00:14:33] so that real and meaningful healing can take place so that better living can get underway?