Overcoming Criticism with Josh Reeves

[00:00:00] Welcome to Wednesday Night Insight. This is Josh Reeves here tonight talking to you about overcoming criticism and there's that great agreement from the great Don Miguel Ruiz. Don't take anything personally, which to me is impossible. I can't keep that agreement. I take everything personally.

[00:00:25] Part of that is being a sensitive soul. Part of that is a consequence, I guess, in that if you don't like me, it hurts my feelings. If you say something critical to me, it's going to hurt my feelings.

[00:00:39] What I've learned over time through spiritual practice and through personal growth, however, is to try to get over it faster. But that's the thing about criticism. It can sting. But it's not necessarily a negative thing.

[00:00:53] Take in the right way from the right people who have our best interest at heart, it can open our hearts. There's a story about the great Ted Williams, one of the great baseball players of all time. It's the early 1940s and World War II has just begun.

[00:01:12] He thinks to himself this war is going to be over quickly. I don't have to go there so he gets out of the draft and he thinks people are going to love seeing him play baseball more. He's going to contribute more in that way to the country.

[00:01:28] This gets out into the press and people start talking about how Ted Williams is a draft Dodger. The first game of the season at Fenway Park and Ted Williams comes up to bat. I want to pause right here to say that eventually Williams did serve his country grandly

[00:01:48] and was decorated for his service in World War II. The crowd is booing him. Every athlete, especially professional athlete, is used to getting booed on the opponent's territory but there's a special kind of sting when it comes at you from home.

[00:02:04] He gets up to bat and there's a pitch that goes by more and more booze than there's another pitch that comes in Williams hits a home run and everybody cheers. Isn't there an interesting lesson about criticism there that you don't want to take criticism

[00:02:21] from people who only see their relationship with you as transactional, where you get a boo if you strike out but a cheer if you get a home run, not the type of relationships

[00:02:31] we want to really take seriously or a value in our life which means we don't always want to take the criticism from those folks too seriously either. So there's a press conference after the game and Williams is asked how did it feel to

[00:02:46] have everyone in the stadium cheering for you and Williams responded it wasn't everybody. There was one guy out in left and two kids out in right field that were booing me and

[00:02:58] that story always struck me because it speaks to many of us who when it comes to the voice and the crowd that speaks criticism, it's the voice that we hear more than any others.

[00:03:11] I wonder if you resonate with that today that if you had a crowd of screaming fans cheering you on towards achieving your goals and your dreams would you hear all of them or would you

[00:03:23] hear that one person out there in left or there's two out in right who weren't rooting for you. What is the voice that you hear the most? And overcoming criticism ultimately is about embracing that roar, that cheer up the crowd,

[00:03:40] recognizing that the critics should have their say but it shouldn't be the only say in our lies because when we allow those critics or their critiques to run us we wind up living in our

[00:03:51] perceived image of how they see us as opposed to our own or to how those who love us most see us or to how God sees us. Michelle Madrono and I can relate to Ted Williams because we both have that experience in what

[00:04:07] can be the murderous ministers reception line after a Sunday service and for both of us I think we would agree that you know for every 49 compumage you might get on a Sunday

[00:04:20] you may get one critique and when we go home on Sunday which comet do you think we're thinking about? Almost always that critique. It gets into us, we start worrying about it. Oh how can I please this person or fix it?

[00:04:35] And again the unfortunate or sad thing that happens with that is those 49 compumants they wind up getting dismissed. And so I want to talk about some questions to ask ourselves today to help us either receive

[00:04:47] or overcome criticism and especially to let in all the support that they are in our lives. The first question I invite us to ask is this critic interested in my highest good? And someone's giving you a critique. Ask yourself is this person interested in my highest good?

[00:05:09] And if they aren't it's not that I wanted to hear their criticism but I would not take it to heart. Criticism that really uplifts us that makes us a better person comes to us from people who want to see our highest good.

[00:05:26] Another way to put it is the person who's criticizing me, criticizing me because of me or because of them. I think sometimes when we hear criticism it's someone who has learned something in their

[00:05:39] own life or has a beef or has a story that we've somehow triggered in them as opposed to trying to correct our behavior or to try and steer us in a particular way. Sometimes I've learned there are those who love best through criticism.

[00:05:57] I'm sure all of us have a person in our life like that who struggles to give a compliment but does not struggle at all to critique us on something we're wearing or something we're doing.

[00:06:10] And what I've learned is if I can recognize that their criticism is about them more than it is about me and that they're trying to support me and my highest good, I can actually receive that love.

[00:06:22] I remember a congregant that I used to have and she could be really tough and almost every Sunday she had a criticism for me. And yet I was early on in ministry and the criticisms were correct. Josh used the wrong disciples name in that Bible story.

[00:06:39] Josh, it's Albert Camus, not Albert Camus. And she would always follow up by bringing me a Bible or I remember she bought me Albert Camus the plague so I would understand him better. And so here is this person that was critical.

[00:06:54] Yes, I always had to put up a bit of a guard when she was sharing with me but she helped make me a better minister and it was her way of loving and supporting me into being my best.

[00:07:06] But ask yourself is this person interested in my highest good then listen to them? If not, it doesn't mean dismiss what they say outright but take what they say in discernment. And again, is this person's criticism about me or is it about them?

[00:07:25] And I'm going to bet you at nine out of ten times it's more about them especially that someone who's not interested in your highest good. Lastly and perhaps the most important thing to ask is this person's criticism about

[00:07:38] something that I've done about my behavior or is it about who I am? And it comes to a critique about your behavior I think you should always take it in. I think that it's hard to receive criticism in that way but if it's something about

[00:07:56] something you said or something that you did or a behavior you seem to continue to have a pattern around, I think it's really worth listening to but never ever let someone criticize who you are because they don't know who you are well enough to criticize who we

[00:08:15] you are and I think that's where criticism can hurt the most when we accept someone's criticism that we're not enough that we don't shine. That there's something wrong with us that we're incomplete.

[00:08:32] This thing that goes back to human nature where someone is pushing us down in order to lift themselves up. It's something unfortunately that can be in the psyche of all of us but I invite you

[00:08:44] to declare that there is a time to totally dismiss criticism and when it's when it's about who you are because the truth is that who you are is a beautiful, lovable expression of the divine.

[00:08:58] Could we all be who we are a little bit better in our behavior, in our actions and what we do in our lives? Hell yes but at the same time critiques about what we do can help us reform and refine

[00:09:13] and live a cohesion in our lives that helps us be the best who we are but when we're taking those criticisms about who we are we wind up repressing ourselves and it shows up in much more difficult ways.

[00:09:28] I also invite you to check in with yourself before you criticize other people. Again not because criticism is bad but because it can be really good it can open the heart but some things to ask yourself first is this criticism mind to give and is it this person's

[00:09:48] to receive? I often make sure I wait a little while no matter what if I have a critique of someone and I always make sure that it is said from a place of love or it's said in a place that's safe,

[00:10:03] the place of sanctuary where the person can receive it if they want. Also always begin with praise before you give someone criticism let them know that you do have their highest good in mind

[00:10:16] that you do see who they are becoming and that your critique is to help them achieve that vision. Let them know you're on their team and also if you're going to criticize someone's behavior

[00:10:30] I invite you to also count it with what you would have liked to do have seen them do. So if someone said something that hurt you how could they have said it differently? If someone did something that you think made them perform less good than they could have

[00:10:47] how would you have liked to see them perform and when we can count our criticism with that we can give some positive feedback as well something for that person to step into. Criticism kind of like a secret should be shared with a kind of confidentiality

[00:11:05] that is about creating sanctuary with another person. The more good loving critics you have in your life as hard as it can be to receive sometimes the better but what we want to work on is

[00:11:18] on overcoming that criticism that comes from people we don't trust in the first place. So as we wrap up today I invite you to close your eyes wherever you are and to perhaps think about a critique that you've received recently. Something positive or negative that

[00:11:38] perhaps made your heart feel a little bit more vulnerable or hurtful or revealed hurt past and just ask was the critic interested in my highest good? If the answer is no let's release the criticism. Let's let it belong to that person let's give it

[00:12:00] back to them and remember the truth of who they are. If it was let's remember the highest good that that person sees in us and let's remember it about ourselves and let's use this criticism

[00:12:15] not as a statement about who we are but as an opportunity to do something new and different. Next ask yourself was this criticism about me or the other person? Your heart knows the answer. If it was the other person bless them but also to let the criticism go

[00:12:40] and ask yourself is there any critique I have for myself to do better to show up grander, to better embody the truth of who I am in the work and in the relationships that I have and do.

[00:12:56] And lastly make sure and ask yourself was this criticism about something that I did or about who I am and if the criticism was about who I am let's throw it away immediately. Let's recognize

[00:13:10] that that critique that we received was all about this person's own story, their own self-image and let's reassert our self-image as the precious child of God that we are. Knowing that if we want

[00:13:25] to do great in life we need the help of good friends. So criticism is welcome in that sense but it should always be couched with love and with a higher ourselves that we are co-creating a vision

[00:13:38] for to become that much more in our lives. I feel much better and so it is.