[00:00:00] This podcast is powered by The Plug.
[00:00:05] Alright y'all, it's me, Dani Baby. You already know how we do this intro here.
[00:00:13] Make your own sounds, this is your own sound effect.
[00:00:19] A little bit of stimming.
[00:00:22] So welcome, welcome. I have two of the loveliest folks in my room today.
[00:00:37] And what an honor to be on this side with you all.
[00:00:42] See, I had met y'all on TikTok, followed y'all's story, you were in Florida, and now you're in Colorado.
[00:00:50] So let's just kick it off. Go ahead, introduce yourselves and your beautiful spirits.
[00:00:59] Do you want me to go? Well, I'm Levi. My name is Levi Rue.
[00:01:02] I am 35, bad bitch forever.
[00:01:08] Looking like a 20-thotty hottie.
[00:01:12] With that body.
[00:01:15] That's me.
[00:01:18] Beautiful.
[00:01:19] Oh, I love it.
[00:01:21] I'm Avery Wade. I'm 30. And yeah, that's me. I'm here.
[00:01:27] Beautiful.
[00:01:28] Hello.
[00:01:29] Hello.
[00:01:30] I also, you know, I think I should do a little bit better of a job of like prefacing, you know, pronouns and all of that.
[00:01:37] So by no means are these preferred.
[00:01:41] These are my pronouns.
[00:01:43] They, them.
[00:01:44] And would y'all like to talk about yours?
[00:01:46] Yeah, I go by she, they.
[00:01:48] He, they.
[00:01:48] All right.
[00:01:50] Oh, the bays in the house.
[00:01:52] Oh, the bays in the vadi.
[00:01:53] The bays in the house.
[00:01:54] The bays in the house.
[00:01:55] We've got bays in the house.
[00:01:56] If you see them, part in the house.
[00:02:00] So obviously we're soul family.
[00:02:03] Yeah.
[00:02:03] So that's the deal here.
[00:02:05] A big reason that I wanted to sit with my people today is obviously to talk about what it's like to live vicariously through yourself.
[00:02:15] I know that a lot of people, you know, in the existence that we are contend to bite off of us or, you know, take in some identity from us and make it their own because, you know, originality is a struggle bus for some people.
[00:02:31] But anyway, the point of saying all of that is just, I'd love to hear.
[00:02:38] Let's just start off with something that you find in your new current situation of living since you've relocated from Florida or since you've locate relocated your whole life, your existence there.
[00:02:51] What is something that is bringing you joy being in Colorado?
[00:02:56] And then after you answer that, then answer what brought you joy in Florida?
[00:03:01] Yeah.
[00:03:01] Hmm.
[00:03:03] Honestly, every time I get to drive around and see the mountains covered in snow, that's incredible.
[00:03:10] Just knowing that that's like 30 minutes away from where we live and we can like go and be in nature.
[00:03:17] It just right easily there, you know, in Florida, it's very flat land.
[00:03:21] And if you're in the in the city, all you can see are buildings.
[00:03:26] You can't.
[00:03:27] There's really not a lot of scenery.
[00:03:32] But here it's it's gorgeous and you can feel the land.
[00:03:37] It's very, very old and very ancient.
[00:03:39] Yeah.
[00:03:40] And it feels very inviting.
[00:03:42] The land before time.
[00:03:44] Energetic.
[00:03:47] Yeah, that's that's for me.
[00:03:49] OK.
[00:03:50] Um, it's really well, first off, very I do believe in soul family.
[00:03:57] You are one of the I'm going to start crying on this.
[00:04:00] Oh, come on.
[00:04:01] We're going to go through waves, boo.
[00:04:02] You are one of the people that like I'm very grateful for and moving in this new space because
[00:04:08] like I definitely family is like a big part of my life.
[00:04:11] And because I'm one of 13 shout out to every single one of my siblings.
[00:04:16] Um, but family is a big part of my life.
[00:04:18] But, um, meeting you and like having a genuine connection with somebody that is just like,
[00:04:23] Hey, I'm gonna tell you about yourself and empowerment.
[00:04:27] Um, it's like one of the most beautiful things.
[00:04:30] So like also thank you for that.
[00:04:31] But, um, kind and sweet.
[00:04:33] Oh, my God.
[00:04:34] I'm helping us.
[00:04:35] You know, get to where we are.
[00:04:37] Um, also having like our best friends here, um, is one of the greatest things too, because
[00:04:43] we have a little tribe.
[00:04:44] But as far as like Colorado itself, the mountains are so amazing.
[00:04:50] Right.
[00:04:51] The mountains, the streams, getting to go on hikes and like kind of flash the mountain
[00:04:55] and be like, oh, there's a little bit of titty.
[00:04:57] Let them bitties.
[00:04:59] Let them bitties be them bitties.
[00:05:01] Um, but living in Capitol Hill is actually really cool.
[00:05:04] Like being around this like little, it's like a, like a little gay epicenter of like these
[00:05:12] amazing queer straight, like people just walking around enjoying their life.
[00:05:17] Absolutely.
[00:05:18] And it kind of puts me in a space to be like, oh, I need to start focusing on what I want
[00:05:22] to do for my life as well.
[00:05:24] Um, not saying that Florida, um, didn't do that for me.
[00:05:27] Cause like being there for 10 years, I like grew immensely.
[00:05:31] Um, and Florida gave me my sobriety, like being sober for like three and a half years,
[00:05:36] I had to have like this foundation and Florida gave me that.
[00:05:39] Yeah.
[00:05:39] And that's super cool because they do have like really, um, crazy AA programs.
[00:05:46] Yeah.
[00:05:47] But, um, like I also do love my Florida fam and like being able to go to the springs and
[00:05:55] being like this embodiment of water that comes from the Gulf that is like being pushed in
[00:06:00] through the middle of like what Kaiba Springs is wild.
[00:06:04] So like, it's like hand in hand, both these like really beautiful spaces, but Colorado,
[00:06:10] it's just something about it that is like energetically different, pushing us to grow.
[00:06:14] And it's like, Hey, you can't have your roots here.
[00:06:17] Like you gotta, like the pot that you're in is pretty cool.
[00:06:20] And we love that terracotta pot, but we're trying to put you in this bigger pot.
[00:06:24] I love that.
[00:06:25] Yeah.
[00:06:25] I love that.
[00:06:25] You just reminded me of a really beautiful mentor of mine.
[00:06:30] Uh, lady speech always talks about that.
[00:06:32] Like you need to repot yourself.
[00:06:33] It's okay to grow, you know?
[00:06:35] And so speaking of that growth and obviously thank you for everything that you're sharing.
[00:06:40] Cause I just like asking questions and learning things about y'all.
[00:06:43] And I'm probably going to learn even more here right now.
[00:06:46] Um, I think that one of the coolest instances is connecting over the internet.
[00:06:53] You know, I hear a lot of people having a big struggle with, you know, social media.
[00:06:58] And I hear a lot of negativity from there, but I've had like a pretty positive experience
[00:07:03] for the most part.
[00:07:04] And this is attributing to y'all too, because, um, I followed Avery first, um, kind of been
[00:07:11] on that journey with you for like a couple of years.
[00:07:13] It was just, I was like, just, whoa, somebody speaks like certain things that I feel or like,
[00:07:19] I, it didn't make me feel as alone.
[00:07:21] Cause I feel like not that Colorado is behind on certain things, but there's definitely,
[00:07:26] um, I'm like the first or only non-binary person that people have met before, you know?
[00:07:33] And I'm like, wow.
[00:07:34] You know, but online there's a bunch of us.
[00:07:37] And so just getting to be in that connectivity in the moment from like, oh my God, we exchanged
[00:07:43] numbers from, you know, following each other on Tik TOK.
[00:07:46] And then y'all came here and we were going to meet when you were visiting.
[00:07:49] And that just didn't align.
[00:07:50] And we were at the same location too.
[00:07:54] We were, that's so wild that it just didn't happen.
[00:07:59] And it wasn't meant for that night.
[00:08:00] Cause I was with, um, individuals that I had just met.
[00:08:03] So I didn't really know an energy yet and it just wouldn't have been the same.
[00:08:06] So I'm really grateful that it went this way.
[00:08:10] Yeah.
[00:08:10] So in that, um, getting to like, once y'all moved here and you were like in your temporary
[00:08:17] position of figuring out what was happening.
[00:08:19] The second you all came out the door, like Avery was first.
[00:08:24] I'm never going to forget like family.
[00:08:27] I was like, whoa.
[00:08:28] And, and you know, I didn't, I didn't even really like understand the impact that was
[00:08:34] going to have on me.
[00:08:35] And then turning that to even like three minutes later and then I meet you and I was like, what
[00:08:40] the hell?
[00:08:41] Like, where have you all been?
[00:08:43] In Florida.
[00:08:45] Having a really hard time.
[00:08:46] And I looked raggedy.
[00:08:47] I feel like I didn't think you look raggedy at all.
[00:08:52] I was dusty, crusty.
[00:08:53] And then we see you and like, you were like a fairy.
[00:08:56] You just came from like a photo shoot or something.
[00:08:58] I did.
[00:08:59] Yeah.
[00:08:59] I was, I was actually, um, I had a grand opening of my friend's salon that day.
[00:09:06] And I remember being so nervous, like, oh my gosh, I'm going to go meet these folks.
[00:09:09] And like, I don't know.
[00:09:11] So simultaneously, simultaneously, as that's happening, I had gone through an uncoupling and
[00:09:18] this person had finally moved out and I had left, I was like putting love back into my
[00:09:24] apartment, my old apartment that I lived in.
[00:09:26] And I was going to be moving into the one that I had finished.
[00:09:31] And I was trying really hard to like, I want to bless this space, you know, and like, I
[00:09:36] just really want people to live here that are amazing.
[00:09:39] Like I want this communal thing that I've been working on for so long.
[00:09:42] And it was just too magnificently aligned that that came available and all of that shifted
[00:09:51] and you all moved into the building.
[00:09:53] So just speaking to soul fam and those instances, when you had to leave family in Florida, what
[00:10:01] has that like leaving what you knew was safe in order to find more safety to be like, I guess
[00:10:10] like you were seeking asylum basically from Florida's laws and things like that.
[00:10:15] But also you still left safe spaces.
[00:10:18] What I just kind of want to know, like what that felt like while y'all were driving to
[00:10:22] the point of getting to your temporary space to being like grounded in already like in the
[00:10:27] workforce and enjoying seasonal depression with us.
[00:10:30] What's it been like?
[00:10:32] It's been, it's been pretty hard, you know, I was raised in Florida.
[00:10:39] So like, that's my whole life.
[00:10:40] My whole life was based out of Orlando.
[00:10:43] Um, I haven't even been to the keys.
[00:10:45] Like it was just mostly central Florida.
[00:10:47] Um, so leaving that and not having the safety and the, the familiarity of the people around
[00:10:55] me that I've grown up with because my best friend from third grade is still there.
[00:10:59] And like, we still talk almost every day, but not being able to go over to his house and
[00:11:04] not being able to see like my coworkers that we, we got really close to and became family
[00:11:09] to as well.
[00:11:10] Um, it's been a really big struggle and kind of feeling very isolated in a way, you know,
[00:11:17] because we, we weren't able to bring our support system here.
[00:11:20] We had to leave it to find a support system that also aligns with the government, you
[00:11:25] know, and the politics of what's everything that's happening.
[00:11:30] And, um, I remember when they, uh, when they made it illegal for nurse practitioners to
[00:11:35] prescribe hormones, that's when we made the decision, like, we can't stay here because
[00:11:39] not only is it unsafe for Levi, like they're constantly gripping the wheel when they're
[00:11:44] driving around because the cops are insane in Florida.
[00:11:48] They are absolutely terrible.
[00:11:50] Here, you only see maybe like two or three in a week.
[00:11:54] People think I'm a cop when I work, like, and that's, that's a lot.
[00:11:59] Like, I'm like...
[00:11:59] Yeah, you, you don't see that many cops in Colorado, but in Florida they're everywhere.
[00:12:04] So like the, the racism and the, the sexism and the transphobia and homophobia, everything
[00:12:09] that's happening down there was the deciding factors for us to actually move.
[00:12:13] Um, you know, having to leave our safe spaces for that has been very, very difficult.
[00:12:20] Um, and in the season that y'all did.
[00:12:22] Oh, oh my God.
[00:12:23] Cause you can't prepare anyone for like not going from not having seasons to seasons, but
[00:12:29] then you moved like right at the tail end of fall and it's been right.
[00:12:34] Like we got here and I was like, this is stunning.
[00:12:37] Like so happy.
[00:12:38] And then I swear, I kid you not, like two weeks later it was snowing.
[00:12:42] It was like either you need to like figure out how to drive in snow right now or like...
[00:12:47] Uber or walk.
[00:12:49] Or, you know, or just stay in the house and be like Rapunzel up in...
[00:12:54] Just stay in the house and get crippling depression.
[00:12:57] Yeah.
[00:12:58] Hey, I still do.
[00:13:00] You know, it's, it's a very real thing, but you went through so many things at one time.
[00:13:05] It wasn't just seasonal.
[00:13:06] It was very fast.
[00:13:07] Your entire life was uprooted and you didn't really know anything here.
[00:13:12] You were just trusting each other.
[00:13:14] At least you had like each other.
[00:13:16] But I'm, I surmise that the support group that you all had having, you know, your friends and family, you each had individuals to go to that supported you on different emotional levels.
[00:13:28] And then you had to just kind of come back to each other only.
[00:13:31] And then like, where do you trust people after you've been in such an, like a, a trust loop?
[00:13:38] So, and I know Levi, you left a lot.
[00:13:40] Like, I just hear you talking about your family all the time and not that Avery doesn't.
[00:13:45] It's just like, because we both have young nieces.
[00:13:48] Yeah.
[00:13:48] And so I can't...
[00:13:50] Yeah, my mom's still in Florida.
[00:13:51] Yeah.
[00:13:52] She's still there.
[00:13:53] She's doing all right.
[00:13:54] Yeah.
[00:13:55] It was, I mean, so while, and I have like amazing nieces and a nephew in Houston.
[00:14:03] So like my, and I love my older sister.
[00:14:05] We've always been in this space where like in back in the day, it was like grown folks business.
[00:14:11] So we never really talked.
[00:14:13] So it's cool being able to like have this relationship with them now where we can be like over the phone and FaceTime and everything like that.
[00:14:21] But like, and I'm like, I said, I'm sorry.
[00:14:24] Like I will cry because I love my two little sisters are like, they saved me from like my sobriety.
[00:14:31] And like, they were the only two people that were there when nobody was.
[00:14:34] So like to see my second, like Cupid have like this daughter Lotus, who is this rambunctious cancer, who literally one day we are, we took Lotus to pride.
[00:14:49] And like, this is the first time she ever saw fireworks and she's one.
[00:14:52] And so this big fluffy hair, Lenny Kravitz looking girl is like sitting on the patio and she sees fireworks and she's like, Oh my God.
[00:15:02] And she starts crying and crying.
[00:15:04] Like it moved her.
[00:15:05] And I'm like, this is my baby.
[00:15:08] No offense, Cupid.
[00:15:09] I know it's your girl.
[00:15:11] But like, that's my homie.
[00:15:13] And like, just being able to watch her and like also see my sister develop into this adult.
[00:15:19] I'm like, what?
[00:15:20] And like, I took care of them.
[00:15:23] Like I, for a while of my life, I was taking care of my siblings.
[00:15:26] So like to see them grow, it was like, I have to leave this while you're in the middle of having a two year old and I'm not going to be here.
[00:15:33] And like, are you okay, Lolo?
[00:15:35] Like you, you know, like you can call me, my mom, my grandma.
[00:15:39] Like we were, we were all we had for a bit.
[00:15:42] So like, it was always the Florida family versus like the Houston family and not in the way that we were like against each other, but we had to have each other's back because of like all the childhood trauma and everything that we went through when we were younger.
[00:15:55] And we start like, I'm burying all this stuff.
[00:15:57] So like, in the middle of that healing, I'm like, all right, so things aren't going the way it needs to here in Florida.
[00:16:05] So we got to go.
[00:16:06] And like, even the last day we went to the beach, like, also, like, it is for a while, it was very hard to have a partner in my family that like my, my partners were not the greatest partners.
[00:16:20] And to the ones that were, thank you.
[00:16:23] But my partners were always like, they were not the greatest partners.
[00:16:26] But to see my partner like run around and pretend to be a cat with Lotus on the beach was like, okay, this is it.
[00:16:33] And like, my sister is like, just embrace him so much.
[00:16:37] And my family embrace him.
[00:16:38] And like, my mom's like, you are a black Pharaoh, because you have all these tattoos.
[00:16:43] And I'm like, what is happening?
[00:16:45] You know, like, it's just, yeah.
[00:16:46] Yeah.
[00:16:47] And like, to have that support and then be like, all right, well, now we have to go.
[00:16:51] And it's not because like of traumatic drama that's happening within our family.
[00:16:56] It's because we're trying to protect ourselves and save ourselves.
[00:16:59] It was on one hand, like, everyone's like, you're going to do great out there.
[00:17:04] There's nothing that we, we believe will happen.
[00:17:07] You're going to have twists and turns.
[00:17:09] But like, you're good, you're, we are going to miss you so much because you are also like the staple in our family.
[00:17:16] And I'm like, like, it has also been like a learning experience that I have to like take care of myself in a way because I've created this job to be the staple.
[00:17:25] Right.
[00:17:26] In my family.
[00:17:26] So it's also, I'm like, whoa, there's so many things I didn't realize I need to work on now.
[00:17:32] And I'm talking to my therapist and he's like, uh-huh.
[00:17:35] Yeah.
[00:17:36] But like your awareness around it, because you did separate, you felt that for your own spirit and your own self.
[00:17:42] And I think, um, a lot of times like in our healing, we go into the space of like where we're gaining this perspective.
[00:17:50] We're, we're understanding that our parents didn't have some of the tools that we expect them to have.
[00:17:56] Right.
[00:17:56] And so we live in this way of understanding like nurture versus nature and our nurture, regardless, like nurture is always seen as like, oh God, it's the best caretaking way you've ever existed.
[00:18:08] It's nurture is just how you were raised.
[00:18:11] And so being in that parallel where you're like, I'm going to go and do this inner child work, but it's like, I'm co-parenting with my parents under this understanding now of what they were lacking.
[00:18:25] And now you have empathy for them, but we can't excuse behavior.
[00:18:28] Right.
[00:18:29] We can't excuse that.
[00:18:30] We still have to be like, okay, these are the tools I have.
[00:18:33] Can you use that?
[00:18:34] And so just sitting in, in the soul fam space that we do sharing things and, uh, to, to be quite honest, us three had a big awakening, not too long ago.
[00:18:46] And I am so damn proud of that.
[00:18:49] Like that was the most difficult gut wrenching thing to like, oh my God, let's take accountability for this friendship.
[00:18:57] Let's take accountability for this home, for the space that we're creating and how can we work through it?
[00:19:03] And I'm not going to delve into all the details, but it was definitely one of those pivotal moments that really let me know, like, wow, I have been working on my healing because my old reactionary self would have been like, you wouldn't even had time to call me Casper.
[00:19:17] I would disappear.
[00:19:19] Okay.
[00:19:20] And this time we were like, nah, we need to sit here.
[00:19:22] Like we are safe spaces somewhere along the lines.
[00:19:25] We were triggered.
[00:19:26] You all recognize the trigger in me.
[00:19:29] And like, instead of letting it get so far out of, out of hand, everybody had a different role that we dictated.
[00:19:34] That was like, let's just be calm.
[00:19:35] Let's be gentle with each other.
[00:19:37] Let's take some time.
[00:19:38] And it was like the most beautiful thing for me to witness.
[00:19:40] I had never had a friendship work like that or a soul fam instance like that.
[00:19:44] And you taught me, um, patience in that and just like, okay, let's just, let's be in the process.
[00:19:51] Like we love you and we just need a second.
[00:19:53] And it was like the most amazing experience.
[00:19:56] So anyway, just to say all of that in our healing.
[00:19:59] And now that you've gone and you've moved away from family, the way that you cherish each other and witness each other's growth is going to be so much.
[00:20:08] Um, it's just so much different now, you know, like the space to breathe, the space to exist and see each other.
[00:20:14] And so that's kind of like, you know, I'm going to be able to get together from a further vernacular in improving your life and, um, taking this opportunity again for, you know, government policy reasons for your own safety.
[00:20:24] But even outside of that, y'all are an interracial couple as well.
[00:20:30] And yeah, I'm black.
[00:20:32] I'm half Mexican.
[00:20:34] I'm white as shit though.
[00:20:36] So if I get into the sun, I turn a little brown, but for the most part, my Mexican doesn't show.
[00:20:42] Yeah.
[00:20:43] But it's so wonderful.
[00:20:45] Cause I've always been kind of alone in that too.
[00:20:47] I've had a lot, I've been in a lot of interracial relationships.
[00:20:50] It's been really hard for me to understand my BIPOC self, but getting to witness you all in that power is like really phenomenal for me.
[00:20:59] And it's just very aligning for me to understand my own power.
[00:21:03] So thank you for doing that.
[00:21:04] But I've wanted to just like within the whole family dynamic and being, of course, I'm going to bring up interracial cause I just brought it up and like, bring it up.
[00:21:12] Say it again.
[00:21:13] Brought it up.
[00:21:15] Brought it up.
[00:21:18] Is Kim, I just would like, if you would be willing to share a little bit of the story, how y'all met, where your energies were connecting and you know, the journey that you've all decided to be on together.
[00:21:30] And it can be all over the map where ADHD autistic will follow.
[00:21:33] Also like, I just real quick want to say like, one of the biggest reasons, like how not reasons, but how I'm embracing myself as like a person of the BIPOC community is because of you.
[00:21:46] Like you, like you empower us so much, Danny.
[00:21:50] Like you, I want that to be known.
[00:21:53] It's it.
[00:21:54] Okay.
[00:21:54] Like you were such an empowering person to have like in anyone's corner.
[00:21:59] Like you make me want to like, just be like, I'm black and I'm proud.
[00:22:04] Like, and that means a lot.
[00:22:05] Like it to where like my partner wants to learn more about like being a, like a part of in a BIPOC relationship with somebody that like, I'm still learning too.
[00:22:15] You know, there's so many things that I'm learning from you.
[00:22:19] And you're like, I just don't have any tolerance for it.
[00:22:23] None at all.
[00:22:24] Which you've witnessed.
[00:22:25] Yeah.
[00:22:26] And that's beautiful though.
[00:22:27] Like actually have someone that is white passing as a partner and like, as a friend in my corner, that's like, absolutely not.
[00:22:35] And I'm going to speak on it for you friends.
[00:22:37] Like, that's not okay.
[00:22:38] And like, I want, I want to, I want it to break down and tell you how it's not okay.
[00:22:43] So that you can also understand.
[00:22:44] And it's not me being like, that's not okay.
[00:22:46] And I'm angry for you.
[00:22:47] And like, let me take this over for you.
[00:22:49] But giving me the empowerment to just be like, Hey, just to let you know, very gently, I'm just going to put this in your way.
[00:22:56] That's not okay.
[00:22:57] And I love you.
[00:22:58] So I'm telling you to where now, like my partner is like, Hey, that's not like, we're not doing that.
[00:23:03] Like, you need to, you need to stick up for yourself because that's not okay how people are treating you.
[00:23:08] So like, thank you.
[00:23:09] Gosh, thank you.
[00:23:10] So I just wanted to say that real quick and like, I don't even know how to behave.
[00:23:15] Hands start doing the, I don't know what to do.
[00:23:18] They're doing this.
[00:23:19] All of us are just sitting here like,
[00:23:28] Now that we've stimmed.
[00:23:32] Okay, so how we met.
[00:23:34] It was my titties.
[00:23:39] So I don't think I actually disclaim or disclosed this on here, but I am transgender, non binary, but from female to mask, I guess you could say.
[00:23:52] So when Levi and I met, I was very much female presenting.
[00:23:56] And I very much embraced the tatas.
[00:23:59] Oh, the titties.
[00:24:01] Had them in a very, very skinny tank tops.
[00:24:05] And I walked into a meeting one day, an AA meeting, and Levi was sitting right there.
[00:24:10] We walked in, my sponsor and I walked in and it was like, go ahead and take it over from there.
[00:24:19] The lights drew and everything.
[00:24:22] One spotlight just shown on April.
[00:24:25] Hi, girl.
[00:24:26] And the titties.
[00:24:26] No, like they walked in and like, so, and I, the first time I got sober, I think it was 2017.
[00:24:35] Yeah, because that's when I graduated from culinary school.
[00:24:39] I was sober in 2017.
[00:24:42] And so like back then the meetings in Florida were like totally different.
[00:24:47] So when I came back, I'm like, where are the gay people at?
[00:24:50] You know, like this is weird energy.
[00:24:52] What's happening?
[00:24:52] And then right when I was like questioning that, this one walks in with his sponsor and I'm like, okay.
[00:25:01] All right.
[00:25:02] Shout out to Tanya.
[00:25:03] The gender lady.
[00:25:04] Yes.
[00:25:05] Super badass.
[00:25:07] Super badass person.
[00:25:09] But walked in and I'm like, okay.
[00:25:12] And like, I'm like two of these gay people are walking in and Tanya's not gay at all.
[00:25:17] She supports like everybody within where, wherever they're at and who they are.
[00:25:23] So it was just like this beautiful moment.
[00:25:24] And from there it was.
[00:25:26] We tried to stay friends.
[00:25:28] We couldn't have a valiant effort to do.
[00:25:31] Yeah.
[00:25:31] There's a, there's a rule in like the first year of your sobriety when you're joining AA that you're not really supposed to date.
[00:25:40] Okay.
[00:25:40] Because it takes away from yourself and your healing.
[00:25:44] So we got a lot of flack for that.
[00:25:46] Yeah.
[00:25:47] So we tried, we tried to stay friends for maybe a month.
[00:25:50] I think it lasted for a month.
[00:25:51] I think it was a solid two or three.
[00:25:53] No.
[00:25:54] Anyway, so everyone would always say something.
[00:25:58] We're like, yeah, as friends.
[00:25:59] Mm-hmm.
[00:25:59] And then all of a sudden we made out.
[00:26:01] And then it was like, oh yeah, we made out as friends, but we're still friends.
[00:26:04] We're just trying to-
[00:26:04] It was me trying to teach you guitar.
[00:26:05] We're trying-
[00:26:06] This fucking guy.
[00:26:09] Okay.
[00:26:09] He literally, okay.
[00:26:11] So this is a great, the first hangout we ever had.
[00:26:15] He takes me to this tree in this park and we climb the tree.
[00:26:19] My special tree.
[00:26:19] I know that's right.
[00:26:20] Okay.
[00:26:21] Highlands Park.
[00:26:22] Highland Park.
[00:26:23] Yeah.
[00:26:23] Shout out to Highlands Park.
[00:26:25] Florida.
[00:26:26] So there's this tree that he would climb all the time.
[00:26:28] So we climbed this tree and like me, I am an energy reader and this goes for anybody.
[00:26:34] And I may not say it or act on it, but I'm an energy reader so I can't look in people's
[00:26:39] eyes a lot.
[00:26:40] And so that was the first time we like actually made eye contact and he realized I had these
[00:26:45] birthmarks in my eyes and like we were looking at each-
[00:26:49] It was like the, like literally a Netflix special.
[00:26:52] And it was like, oh my God, look at all our tattoos.
[00:26:55] Checking out each other's tattoos.
[00:26:56] And it started raining.
[00:26:57] Oh.
[00:26:57] It started misting.
[00:26:58] It was, and like, first of all, I can't have this in rain.
[00:27:01] So like, I freak out.
[00:27:04] And it's not the rain itself, but also my grandma said when I was younger, I could catch
[00:27:09] pneumonia if I'm out in the rain.
[00:27:10] And so like that literally Avery had to teach me that wasn't a thing.
[00:27:14] And Mimi, I love you.
[00:27:16] If it's cold.
[00:27:17] If it's cold.
[00:27:46] And like, he is such a good guitar player.
[00:27:50] Like it was like, it's like almost Carlos Santana.
[00:27:52] And he doesn't believe that.
[00:27:53] I don't care.
[00:27:54] It's a, I'm not even looking at you.
[00:27:56] So are you.
[00:27:57] I'm not.
[00:27:58] So are you.
[00:27:59] I'm working on it, but I'm not.
[00:28:00] No, you're in a duoing.
[00:28:01] Oh my God.
[00:28:02] Anyway.
[00:28:03] Any, honey.
[00:28:04] Oh, my.
[00:28:05] Thank you.
[00:28:06] Any only.
[00:28:06] I love when you say any only.
[00:28:08] So I've been like, any only.
[00:28:11] But he was like playing behind me and like teaching me guitar.
[00:28:15] And like, it was moment.
[00:28:17] And like, the rest is history to be honest.
[00:28:20] Cause like, I don't, he was like actually the first person that I met that didn't want anything
[00:28:25] from me and just wanted to be there for me in this genuine, authentic way.
[00:28:29] And like, for the first, even when we hugged, we used to like.
[00:28:34] Ass is out.
[00:28:35] No.
[00:28:36] Ass is in.
[00:28:36] So tight.
[00:28:37] Like our front butts were touching.
[00:28:38] We're like, I feel your front butt.
[00:28:40] Come on, give it that.
[00:28:40] Ulbic is a must.
[00:28:42] Yeah.
[00:28:44] We used to hug so tight.
[00:28:45] It was, it was ridiculously cute.
[00:28:48] Because everybody would be watching us and they're like, they are not just friends.
[00:28:51] And we're like, we're friends.
[00:28:53] We're just friends.
[00:28:54] We're just friends.
[00:28:55] Yeah.
[00:28:55] Not at all.
[00:28:55] As you watch me drive away on my motorcycle.
[00:28:57] Yeah.
[00:28:57] I was like, I was like.
[00:29:01] So I don't even know if it was two or three months.
[00:29:03] Are we thinking a couple of weeks?
[00:29:04] It was probably a, it was probably a good, about a month.
[00:29:08] I would say a solid month.
[00:29:10] Okay.
[00:29:10] Like he, um, I remember when he got his year, they got him a cake and it said, um,
[00:29:18] he, cause it's a joke.
[00:29:19] You take the cake or the relationship.
[00:29:21] That's what everyone says.
[00:29:23] Oh, okay.
[00:29:23] Are you going to take the cake or are you going to get the relationship?
[00:29:25] Cause you can't have both.
[00:29:26] Mm-hmm.
[00:29:27] And this miraculous one had both.
[00:29:29] So on the cake, it says he took the cake and the relationship.
[00:29:33] Mm-hmm.
[00:29:33] And we're like, ah, you know?
[00:29:36] Sicking.
[00:29:37] Ah.
[00:29:37] And not saying that it's like, it's not the easiest.
[00:29:41] Mm-hmm.
[00:29:41] But that goes with every relationship.
[00:29:44] Like if you're committed to somebody and you're willing to work through all these little bits,
[00:29:47] like the thing is we all have trauma.
[00:29:50] Absolutely.
[00:29:50] That's the human experience at some point.
[00:29:53] And like seeing, like seeing people just give up on people because they have trauma.
[00:29:58] And like, to be honest, like, and this is me talking real, you just don't know how to navigate
[00:30:03] it.
[00:30:03] And that's, that's okay.
[00:30:04] Like, that's okay that that doesn't work out that way.
[00:30:06] But like, I'm a very committed person.
[00:30:09] Mm-hmm.
[00:30:09] And if I love you and I, like, I know that it's not any, cause like let's, there's also
[00:30:15] gaslighting and manipulation.
[00:30:17] Absolutely.
[00:30:17] And like narcissistic tendencies that we get from like people that we've been.
[00:30:21] It's a spectrum.
[00:30:22] Absolutely.
[00:30:23] Yeah.
[00:30:23] So like, have I been a narcissist sometimes in my life?
[00:30:27] Absolutely.
[00:30:27] Did I do it on purpose?
[00:30:29] Absolutely not.
[00:30:29] I'm not here to hurt anybody.
[00:30:31] I would rather, I want to spread joy so much like it's glitter and bubbles.
[00:30:35] Like I'm just like, here, this fucking take this shit.
[00:30:38] I'm just done with it.
[00:30:39] Like I, it's never a bone in my body to be malicious, but you can tell what people are.
[00:30:43] And like, absolutely.
[00:30:45] It was never like anything to where we were trying to be malicious towards each other.
[00:30:49] We just hated each other and we just wanted to see each other be dragged through the dirt
[00:30:52] just for a selfish reason.
[00:30:55] So I'm not going to give up on that and I'm going to work through it and I'm going to
[00:30:58] see how this goes.
[00:30:59] And like, I'm still working on like understanding that like, first of all, death is a thing.
[00:31:04] And there's one day that he won't be beside me or I won't be beside him.
[00:31:08] Or like, what if it doesn't work out?
[00:31:09] And like, of course I hate those thoughts.
[00:31:11] And like, those are things that I still have to work through because I got abandonment issues.
[00:31:16] Oh honey, let's work on that security.
[00:31:18] Cause I got that struggle too.
[00:31:20] I need to install that doorbell.
[00:31:22] That's the only security I got.
[00:31:26] So yeah, it's just, it wasn't the easiest, but we're also still working on it.
[00:31:32] And like, just to look back and just be like, wow, we've taken strides to like, even get where
[00:31:38] we are today is like huge.
[00:31:40] And there are going to be more things that we uncover.
[00:31:42] We're onions, baby.
[00:31:43] Yeah.
[00:31:44] I'm a sauteed onion in a pan of a...
[00:31:46] That's right.
[00:31:48] That's my shake.
[00:31:51] But seeing you all in this growth from moving from, from Florida and just what I've witnessed,
[00:31:57] cause I didn't, I wasn't in your direct environment over there.
[00:31:59] Obviously I was kind of living vicariously through that, just witnessing y'all story there.
[00:32:04] Um, I did, I had been to Florida a couple of times and it's not that it just wasn't in
[00:32:09] alignment for me.
[00:32:11] I didn't feel super comfortable to exist as I do here, um, in my community.
[00:32:15] And I, I get like very protective over my people.
[00:32:20] I almost like covet them.
[00:32:21] And I'm like so concerned about like, you know, how to introduce people to people.
[00:32:26] And like pretty much immediately we had a photo shoot right when y'all came in and that was
[00:32:32] like one of the coolest experiences.
[00:32:34] We learned a lot since then.
[00:32:36] We learned a lot.
[00:32:37] So many things.
[00:32:38] However, we, again, being an energy reader and in all of that, it was really beautiful
[00:32:44] to have the representation that you all are.
[00:32:47] And again, even how you're talking about your relationship and just like what goes,
[00:32:51] what is going into that to witness that you came from Florida.
[00:32:56] You've maintained your sobriety.
[00:32:59] You've gone through this season, which isn't quite over with what really happens to a lot
[00:33:04] of folks and me.
[00:33:05] I get a lot of seasonal depression because I love being outside.
[00:33:08] I'm feral.
[00:33:09] Let me be outside.
[00:33:12] And, um, but to go along just with like how that all changed.
[00:33:17] Every bit of your scenery changed.
[00:33:19] Every bit of your existence, your jobs, how you even contact people, how what you even
[00:33:24] see the first thing that you get up in the morning, but you choose each other.
[00:33:28] And that's really, really beautiful.
[00:33:30] And so I just, what I'm wondering, Avery, how you have felt within this transition, leaving
[00:33:38] like what, you know, your family, your work family, just your community in that whole transition.
[00:33:44] What has that felt like for you?
[00:33:46] If you feel like sharing any of that story.
[00:33:49] Moving to Colorado.
[00:33:49] Yeah.
[00:33:50] With Levi.
[00:33:50] Yeah.
[00:33:51] And just being in this beautiful partnership from meeting as you did and still choosing
[00:33:55] each other because you got the relationship and the cakes, you know, and now you're
[00:34:00] here in it.
[00:34:02] What has that been like for yourself to witness your growth?
[00:34:05] Because I know that a lot of times we want to sit here and be like, Oh, I'm not, I'm
[00:34:10] depressed or I'm having a tough time, but there's your, you're gaining knowledge.
[00:34:13] You're understanding yourself.
[00:34:15] You haven't been in this cycle yet before.
[00:34:17] So having your partner with you and being alongside your partner, what has that been
[00:34:22] like for you?
[00:34:24] Well, I've had to learn quite a bit.
[00:34:26] Um, I didn't realize, I guess, you know, the, the comfortability.
[00:34:30] The comfortability of being where you are at home and being around your family and the
[00:34:33] familiarity, you don't pay attention to your actual problems.
[00:34:37] And then when you leave that, your problems follow you.
[00:34:39] Your problems are your problems.
[00:34:40] They're going to be yours no matter what.
[00:34:42] So when I got here, um, I entered a super bad depression and Levi has been there 110% by my
[00:34:51] side asking what they can do to help understanding try.
[00:34:55] Like we've been getting, uh, you know, we've gotten into a couple of altercations that ultimately
[00:35:14] I knew all about that shit for myself.
[00:35:16] Yeah.
[00:35:17] Yeah.
[00:35:17] It's really hard to like portray what you actually feel inside versus what comes out of your mouth.
[00:35:23] And sometimes what comes out of your mouth isn't the most kind or like the, the easiest
[00:35:29] way to say something.
[00:35:31] But, um, in this relationship, not only have I had to learn about myself and what I need
[00:35:38] to contribute and how to be a better partner and a better person in general, because they,
[00:35:45] they challenged me to do that constantly 110% every single day.
[00:35:50] They challenged me to be a better person, but I also had to put in the work and want to
[00:35:55] be a better person in that.
[00:35:56] And I had to learn the things that I wasn't really well versed on, which is black culture
[00:36:01] and being in, this is my first interracial relationship.
[00:36:05] And it was a really big learning curve to understand the injustices that happen just because they
[00:36:12] have more melanin in their skin and because of their, their, you know, their backgrounds,
[00:36:17] where they came from and how this whole society just holds people down that look different, that
[00:36:22] they weren't blue eyes and white skin, you know, like it's, I had to learn how to be an
[00:36:30] ally and also not get in the way of their voice.
[00:36:34] That's really beautiful.
[00:36:35] Because my job as, you know, not only a partner of a black person, but as, you know, an ally
[00:36:43] of the community, I need to raise voices.
[00:36:47] They need to be heard.
[00:36:48] Just elevate them a little bit.
[00:36:49] Yeah.
[00:36:50] I mean, I, if I have a platform, I'm going to share it.
[00:36:53] Like I'm going to bring people with me that also are, you know, wanting to be heard and
[00:36:59] wanting their stories to be heard.
[00:37:00] And, and this relationship has not only done that, but given me such wonderful experiences
[00:37:07] over the past three years.
[00:37:08] And, uh, sorry, I'm not, I'm trying not to get emotional.
[00:37:11] Oh no, we, this is, this is where we do that.
[00:37:14] It's beautiful friend.
[00:37:16] Thank you.
[00:37:16] You know, I, I've never had someone like Levi that, um, embraces my darkness as well
[00:37:22] as enjoying the light.
[00:37:24] But usually people leave in the dark times.
[00:37:27] Usually people are like, no, this is too hard.
[00:37:29] This is not my, not my problem.
[00:37:31] This is something that you need to work through.
[00:37:33] Maybe we can like meet up afterwards.
[00:37:34] But they were like, no, we're going through this together.
[00:37:37] We're going through the trenches together and you don't have to do this alone.
[00:37:42] And that looks different for everyone.
[00:37:44] Yeah, absolutely.
[00:37:45] You know, like being, working on yourself and your own healing in a relationship looks,
[00:37:53] you know, individual to the person, but it's important to communicate about it and to share
[00:37:59] about it too.
[00:38:00] So you're all on the same page.
[00:38:02] Um, I don't know.
[00:38:03] I've learned a lot, like a lot.
[00:38:06] I've seen y'all grow so much since you, and I don't want to be the judger of growing
[00:38:11] and be like, oh, this looks like growth.
[00:38:13] But what I've witnessed is like, I think that you guys have a stronger foundation than
[00:38:19] you give yourselves credit for.
[00:38:21] Um, because we're going to be more critical on ourselves and only you two know what you've
[00:38:26] been through.
[00:38:27] Right.
[00:38:27] So like, again, I, what I have witnessed is the sense of urgency to be patient and compassionate
[00:38:36] with each other.
[00:38:37] So it's more of like a speed down, slow up, you know, you've taken more time.
[00:38:42] We're in that season right now.
[00:38:44] So even though there's like depression, if you will, in this season, you've actually gauged
[00:38:50] it really well, uh, coinciding with healing and all the shifts that you went through in
[00:38:55] one space.
[00:38:56] And I witnessed that you each show up for each other, but I'm seeing within your own selves
[00:39:01] that there's accountability and awareness, not just to the things that are difficult,
[00:39:06] but like, yay, we're doing it.
[00:39:08] Like, yeah, we're doing it.
[00:39:08] And, and as simple as like literally checking in with like what we're eating, I struggle
[00:39:13] with eating regularly.
[00:39:15] So sometimes we're just like, Hey, how's that water today?
[00:39:17] What have you put in your stomach?
[00:39:19] And it's just nice to have stuff like that because you do that in your partnership so well.
[00:39:25] And I know that sometimes bringing in other community members or soul fam to get that, um,
[00:39:33] intimate look inside to your relationship.
[00:39:36] I don't take that for granted.
[00:39:38] And I think it's like, it's, there's a big representation here that I wish that I would
[00:39:43] have had more of growing up and seeing that, like, we don't know everything, but we're going
[00:39:48] to try our damnedest.
[00:39:50] And I didn't witness that again, going back to having the whole understanding that there's
[00:39:56] a spectrum within narcissism and gaslighting and things like that, that I, I too used that
[00:40:04] as my tools to keep myself safe, to keep myself, um, from feeling separation anxiety or from
[00:40:12] feeling the things that I did.
[00:40:13] So I use those, those same tools and you both recognize, you know, if I'm doing that or whatever,
[00:40:20] and I know I'm doing it, but like, damn, you know, but then you come back to the drawing
[00:40:23] board and you're like, it's not even, you don't have this whole thing of like at the end of the day,
[00:40:28] you're like today we continue choosing.
[00:40:31] You're not waiting to the end of the day to take accountability.
[00:40:34] You do it all day.
[00:40:36] And that's what I think is really brilliant about the both of you.
[00:40:39] So I just wanted to get some honor where it's due.
[00:40:41] Cause it's, we didn't have this representation growing up.
[00:40:44] You know, my parents were in an interracial relationship, but I didn't understand any of that.
[00:40:50] And it was super unhealthy, but to also be queer and in an interracial relationship
[00:40:55] and with like the systematic oppression and everything that exists.
[00:40:59] I think you all are navigating it really well.
[00:41:02] And I, I really think that a lot more people would be interested in hearing how you attack this more.
[00:41:07] Yeah.
[00:41:08] You know, um,
[00:41:10] I was actually able to come out because of Levi, uh, not like to put all of it on you, but,
[00:41:16] um, they gave me such a safe space in our relationship within the first couple of years that I felt so safe to finally say it and to finally start pursuing it.
[00:41:27] And you know, it, I feel like a lot of people are missing that, that understanding and patience and getting rid of expectations in relationships completely from the bait, from the base, like from the start.
[00:41:43] But as you build, like, I don't know what I'm trying to say.
[00:41:46] Well, I mean, like, I also though, you helped me.
[00:41:50] I'm non-binary.
[00:41:51] Yeah.
[00:41:52] And like, I just came out last year about that, you know, like, and like Alex, my best friend will be the first one to tell you, like, I was battling for the longest time.
[00:42:01] Like, am I trans?
[00:42:02] Like, what's going on?
[00:42:03] I know I don't want to be like a man, but like, what's, who am I?
[00:42:07] What am I doing?
[00:42:08] And like, because people come before me and my partner comes out and he's like, I'm, I'm trans.
[00:42:14] This is me.
[00:42:14] Like, this is who I want to be.
[00:42:16] I was like, I can now take the steps to like genuinely be who I am by choosing myself and whatever that looks like doesn't have to fit what you feel like it fits into.
[00:42:25] Right.
[00:42:26] Because I'm not a key.
[00:42:27] I'm a human being.
[00:42:29] Getting rid of the boxes.
[00:42:30] Yeah.
[00:42:30] Yeah.
[00:42:30] One of the, one of the first things that he ever told me that I keep in my head is like, we're humans, we are not buildings.
[00:42:38] And I always remember that when I'm overworking myself, when I am being something that I'm not.
[00:42:44] And I'm trying to fit into something that doesn't serve me and you can feel it.
[00:42:48] You know, your whole body reacts to stuff like that.
[00:42:51] You are not supposed to be there.
[00:42:52] And you're trying to be something that you're not.
[00:42:54] And like, even though he, he does say like, I've, I've empowered him and I've done all this stuff.
[00:42:59] He's also done the same thing with me.
[00:43:00] Like, like I said, I've had partners and there have had, there have been things in my childhood that like, I just wasn't able to be myself.
[00:43:08] I had to be the athlete.
[00:43:09] I had to be the older sister that had all the answers I had.
[00:43:12] I had to, I had to, like, it's always a had to, and now I can be in a space where it's not a have to or had to, I can figure it out, figure out what I want to be.
[00:43:22] Right.
[00:43:22] And like, like, I love you because like, you also have to give yourself credit for the things that have helped me to like, even right now I'm changing my style and I'm figuring out what, what Levi, who is Levi Rue?
[00:43:35] Like, and that, that is something that is beginning from having a safe space because you gave us that.
[00:43:41] You gave us a safe space to live, to create, to be.
[00:43:44] And like, we, how many times have we changed our apartment?
[00:43:49] I need the couch to be this way now.
[00:43:50] Same though.
[00:43:51] I'm the same way, you know?
[00:43:53] Yeah.
[00:43:53] Always readjusting to find our comfort.
[00:43:56] Functionally.
[00:43:56] Yeah.
[00:43:56] But you can see like when people get more safe, safer in their, themselves and who they are, like, they start changing things around them to like fit into like what that looks like.
[00:44:06] And there, there was one day there was this little girl and like, like I said, like when I was younger, like the phrase whitewashed was a thing, like you're very whitewashed.
[00:44:17] And like, so I've had, again, put myself into this box where I wasn't even like myself as a person of the BIPOC community.
[00:44:25] And that has been something that come, came to fruition because of my little sister Cupid.
[00:44:30] Like she's like, whenever everything started happening and like black lives matter started coming out, she was the first one to have this huge African earrings.
[00:44:40] She's like, I don't care.
[00:44:41] And I'm going to march and I'm going to do this.
[00:44:43] And I'm like that empowerment was like, oh, I need to start showing up for my little sisters because they're out here being them genuine, their genuine selves.
[00:44:51] And like, so who am I to sit here and hold back and pretend to be something that I'm not?
[00:44:55] And I remember driving home.
[00:44:58] Do you remember that?
[00:44:58] I was like this little black girl was like, mommy, I want to be like her one day.
[00:45:02] And I could, I would have wanted to die.
[00:45:04] Like I was like, me, like, and that was when I started wearing like the little shells from the Igbo tribe that I found out.
[00:45:13] That I'm from and like embracing all of those little parts of me.
[00:45:17] And then here we are moving here.
[00:45:18] And then I'm like telling him, I'm like, I want to embrace who I am more.
[00:45:21] And we meet Danny baby.
[00:45:26] The embracer.
[00:45:29] The facilitator.
[00:45:31] So like, and we needed, like he had to meet you in order for all of that to happen, you know?
[00:45:35] So like, you also have put all these wills into place with me becoming who I am and like figuring those little things out.
[00:45:44] And of course, like, I'm still figuring it out.
[00:45:46] You know, it's, we're humans.
[00:45:47] I mean, we never stop hearing until we die.
[00:45:49] We're human beings.
[00:45:50] And we also change our minds too.
[00:45:52] Like, and it lets us know that we still have one.
[00:45:55] Yeah.
[00:45:55] In order to change it.
[00:45:56] So like, I find myself like, you know, you're rearranging your apartment.
[00:46:00] Is it autism and ADHD?
[00:46:03] Or just think about it.
[00:46:04] It's autism.
[00:46:06] Isn't it?
[00:46:07] Isn't it?
[00:46:08] But it's also because we are embracing different versions, different ideas, and we're allowing ourselves to, I don't know, to experience something other than what we were told we shouldn't experience.
[00:46:23] Yeah.
[00:46:24] You know, we had a lot of fear mongering in our lives.
[00:46:26] And so that fear mongering literally edged us.
[00:46:30] And it wasn't sexy.
[00:46:31] No.
[00:46:33] And we're just like, oh, peering over, like, could we experience that?
[00:46:37] We didn't have any representation.
[00:46:38] And then we all were like, we're going to be the representation we always needed.
[00:46:42] Yeah.
[00:46:42] And I think that's what's so brilliant.
[00:46:44] Like, we all are that because again, we have mentors and things like that, but nobody can be who we are, but ourselves.
[00:46:52] And so it, in that healing, and it is depressing sometimes because you're like, oh my God, I'm talking to this younger version of myself and they were going through it.
[00:47:03] Yeah.
[00:47:03] And the gravity of that, and it's like, okay, well, you want to grow past that and you want to let go, but it's like impossible, quite honestly.
[00:47:11] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:47:11] And it's just like, it's impossible to forgive certain things.
[00:47:14] I don't have the power to forgive some of my abusers.
[00:47:17] And I'm not going to, and it didn't sound like whatever, but that's what helps me be in tune with my intuition.
[00:47:23] If I just release all that and follow law and live according to whatever I was nurtured in, I wouldn't be here in my representation to self healing my younger self feeling like a little kid right now sitting with you all like, oh my God, we're playing and this is amazing.
[00:47:41] And like, these are my people.
[00:47:42] But I didn't have that.
[00:47:45] So just the way that you embraced me back, it's not that I was this, like, I was just existing.
[00:47:54] You all didn't really know where I was at in life.
[00:47:56] And it quite honestly, like, was the best fucking thing that could have happened was you all moving into the house.
[00:48:03] That, I, I know you all still feel like remnants of energy and stuff just because it was really volatile for a long time.
[00:48:13] And I didn't realize that I, like, as I have videos of me, like, cleaning up and preparing the home and I didn't know who was going to move into it.
[00:48:23] And I'll never forget that the day that I was like, I have a space, you all should come and look at it.
[00:48:28] That, like, that morning, I went up and, like, if you will, for religious trauma reasons, I'm going to say anointed.
[00:48:37] I just felt like I needed to go in and be like, is this home ready to welcome?
[00:48:42] And, like, immediately when you all were in there, I was like, this is happening.
[00:48:46] And so home isn't, again, always a location.
[00:48:51] It is people.
[00:48:52] And that's what happened.
[00:48:53] Like, I never really felt at home where I was living until you all moved in there.
[00:48:58] And then, then we have, then we have neighbors that, housemates that are just incredible.
[00:49:03] It's the most safe that I have ever felt in my entire life.
[00:49:07] Absolutely.
[00:49:07] My whole life.
[00:49:08] Yeah.
[00:49:08] So.
[00:49:09] Yeah.
[00:49:09] I contribute that.
[00:49:10] Yeah.
[00:49:11] Oh.
[00:49:13] I constantly say that we wouldn't be here without you.
[00:49:16] And I feel like that's true in a sense that you gave us much more than just your friendship.
[00:49:23] You gave us, you know, a pathway in the community.
[00:49:26] You gave us a pathway into ourselves.
[00:49:28] And you actually inspired me to stop putting myself into boxes and to stop, you know, expecting myself to be okay in the moments that I'm not.
[00:49:38] And expect myself to fit in these masculine men boxes that everyone expects a trans man to fucking fit into.
[00:49:45] Like, I'm, I'm just an entity in a body.
[00:49:48] Yeah.
[00:49:48] And you reinforce that for me just by being yourself and just learning from, I feel like we're all just learning from each other and just like going on to a trajectory of up and up and up.
[00:49:59] You just stim from each other continuously.
[00:50:00] Because we're removing like the, the, um, the expectations and the boxes and the, the, the volatile view that we've had on ourselves for this long time because we actually trust and believe in each other.
[00:50:15] And we believe what we say.
[00:50:16] Yeah.
[00:50:17] You know what's crazy is like the, like people will never know everything.
[00:50:22] And it's like people walk around as if they know everything.
[00:50:25] Like they say, you still don't, you won't, even if you like go to the greatest schools about everything, even the nurses and doctors, the human body changes all the time.
[00:50:34] You don't know.
[00:50:35] It adapts to its environment, which is always changing because we're destroying the planet.
[00:50:39] So it's just, it's crazy that people walk around and act like they just absolutely just, the expectations are so solid and this is just how it needs to be.
[00:50:49] And like, I know people have to grasp to certain things.
[00:50:52] That's why, um, religion.
[00:50:55] Uh huh.
[00:50:55] That's why.
[00:50:56] But that's my trauma.
[00:50:57] If you believe in what you believe, I support that.
[00:51:00] Yeah, we're not here to yuck your gum.
[00:51:01] We love it.
[00:51:02] I want you to live your best life with that, you know, but for me and my life and where I've come from, like, it's just, I've seen examples of people that think they know everything.
[00:51:12] They don't.
[00:51:13] And us as human beings, we will not, we will not.
[00:51:16] There's so many things that I will not learn that I, like agriculture.
[00:51:19] I think that is so cool, but I will not go into agriculture and learn it.
[00:51:24] But I'm definitely, you bet your bottom dollar going to fucking try to have a jungle upstairs.
[00:51:30] I know that's right.
[00:51:32] And on the patio because the summer's coming.
[00:51:34] You know.
[00:51:36] My grandfather always used to say that you never stop learning until you die.
[00:51:39] Yeah.
[00:51:40] And that is like.
[00:51:41] You never stop learning.
[00:51:41] And even then, we don't know what comes afterwards.
[00:51:44] You have to stop learning and that's like willingly ignorant behavior.
[00:51:48] Because that does exist.
[00:51:50] However, you know, for myself, like if I, I literally can't exist without learning something new every day.
[00:51:58] And we live in this time period right now that is like, we take in more information in one day than a person did in their entire lifetimes in Shakespearean times.
[00:52:10] So there's no way we're not in the ability to learn.
[00:52:13] So again, even going back.
[00:52:15] It has to be over loneliness too.
[00:52:17] It is.
[00:52:18] Because then you see people behaving in these horrific ways, even coming down to racist behavior.
[00:52:26] And you're just like, you're inciting violence.
[00:52:29] And you, you're like, your privilege is showing because you've never even had to think about it.
[00:52:35] Yeah.
[00:52:35] Microaggression is so insane.
[00:52:37] Like I, I'm learning, I've learned within the last two, maybe three years, maybe no two, I would say solid two, what microaggression is.
[00:52:47] And I've had to cut so many people out of my life because of it.
[00:52:50] But I like, there were, and there will be times like, like this morning when I like woke up and everything that's happening.
[00:52:58] I'm like, I cried because I'm like, I hate that people hate who I am.
[00:53:02] I cannot take my skin off.
[00:53:04] And like, what, how am I, I can't change that.
[00:53:08] And it's like the same thing about being queer.
[00:53:10] Like, I, I, I can't switch that on and off for you anymore.
[00:53:15] And I don't want to, I do not want to put myself in this space where I am just telling you that, oh yeah, everything's okay.
[00:53:22] And I'm like, yeah, I love the way you bully me.
[00:53:25] I love the way that you're being microaggressive towards me.
[00:53:28] I see it now.
[00:53:29] And like, it's, it's like one of those glass ceilings.
[00:53:32] Like when it's broken, I can't unsee it.
[00:53:33] Like I, I see you and it's a lot of people get so offended and they're like, I'm not racist.
[00:53:39] And I'm like, instead of saying that, why don't you do something better and be like, so how am I being in this space so that I can change it?
[00:53:47] Right.
[00:53:47] And like people automatically get so defensive and I'm like probably one of the best people to talk to about that.
[00:53:53] Absolutely.
[00:53:54] Yeah.
[00:53:55] I'm like, let's fix it.
[00:53:57] Instead of, I'm not going to get angry at you.
[00:53:58] I'm just going to stop talking to you because also I'm a Scorpio.
[00:54:01] That's what we do.
[00:54:02] We'll just stop talking to you.
[00:54:07] So it's just, it's, it's very disheartening and like, but coming into my power, like I don't want anybody to feel like that.
[00:54:14] I don't want my sisters to feel like that.
[00:54:15] I don't want my niece, my nephew, anybody to feel that way.
[00:54:18] Like I have to be this certain way in front of certain people in order to just exist.
[00:54:25] Like, and it's already sad that I'm even having this conversation with you.
[00:54:28] You know what I mean?
[00:54:29] Like I shouldn't even be saying this, that even today I had, I cried.
[00:54:33] But that's been what this country has relied on is learning from black feminine energy.
[00:54:40] You're supposed to teach us.
[00:54:41] That is not your fucking job.
[00:54:43] Yeah.
[00:54:43] We have the educational material to do that.
[00:54:46] And you've constantly had to do that.
[00:54:48] And as being like the sibling, the caretaker and certain things like that, it's just part of your passion now.
[00:54:54] But unfortunately there have been people that have abused that in you, which is like, you need to educate me and blah, blah, blah.
[00:55:01] And that's, that's not how that fucking goes.
[00:55:03] I can't.
[00:55:04] And so, and that's also within that microaggression too.
[00:55:07] And so being an energy reader and really understanding folks now, what, because we're going to start doing this little wrap up thing.
[00:55:16] Yeah.
[00:55:16] Wrap it up.
[00:55:17] And we're going to bring these two back on the mic, y'all.
[00:55:19] Because this was so fun.
[00:55:20] Like I feel, I just feel like I'm barely getting warmed up.
[00:55:23] And like, and now we go, but we're going to make this, you know, we're going to make it happen.
[00:55:27] But, but sitting in this representation that you are for yourselves now, if you had a sentence or just like a moment that you could sit with your younger version, what would you tell them right now?
[00:55:43] I, so I also, I do this thing.
[00:55:45] Um, I were, I haven't done it in a while actually, but I used to write to my younger self and say, dear little Levi, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:55:54] Um, so I, I would say like for my younger self, just, I love you and I'm here and I'm, I won't leave you because like, it just, I'm going to cry.
[00:56:06] Um, I just hearing, I love you a lot was not something that happened in my family.
[00:56:11] Um, just because it was hard, tough love and they wanted us to get to where we are.
[00:56:17] And like, thank you for that.
[00:56:18] Cause on the other half, I am a very hard worker.
[00:56:20] I am a fucking phenomenal human being.
[00:56:23] And I need to remind myself of that like continuously.
[00:56:27] But like when I was little, I just needed to be hugged.
[00:56:29] I just needed to be told, I love you.
[00:56:31] I needed to be told like, I'm not leaving you.
[00:56:33] Like I got your back and I'm not leaving you.
[00:56:36] And like, I just even saying that right now, I'm like, yeah.
[00:56:40] And you haven't.
[00:56:41] You haven't.
[00:56:42] I'm still here.
[00:56:43] That's really beautiful, friend.
[00:56:45] Thank you.
[00:56:46] Yeah.
[00:56:46] I'm getting emotional.
[00:56:47] And I'm black and I'm brown.
[00:56:49] Yes, honey.
[00:56:50] Say hello.
[00:56:54] Oh wow.
[00:56:55] To my younger self.
[00:56:56] I'm still working on that.
[00:56:57] But I guess, um, he's not invisible.
[00:57:04] Mm.
[00:57:06] You're not invisible, you know?
[00:57:09] There were a lot of things at play, um, in the past.
[00:57:13] And, you know, society in general has changed and the people and the way that people view
[00:57:19] parenting and the way that people view children.
[00:57:22] And, you know, they listen a little more nowadays.
[00:57:25] But, um, I was very quiet, very melancholy, very, uh, very sad boy in the corner kind
[00:57:32] of.
[00:57:32] But, um, I guess now I'm just trying to see myself and not view myself as invisible anymore.
[00:57:42] And actually bring my younger self and my, my own persona into light because I deserve
[00:57:48] that because I, I don't need to hide in the shadows anymore.
[00:57:51] I don't need to be small and, and make myself as small of a person so I don't take up too
[00:57:56] much space.
[00:57:57] Mm-hmm.
[00:57:57] I can take up space.
[00:57:59] Absolutely.
[00:57:59] And I had to, you know, I have to teach myself that.
[00:58:03] I have to teach myself what that looks like.
[00:58:05] But yeah, to my younger self, you're, you're not invisible and you're, you're okay.
[00:58:11] And I love you.
[00:58:13] I don't know how to behave because that is the most beautiful and profound thing.
[00:58:18] Wow.
[00:58:19] I mean, we all need to take and sit with a conversation with ourselves sometimes and our
[00:58:24] younger self because we weren't heard back then.
[00:58:27] We come from the parenting of the people that were parented by children shouldn't be seen
[00:58:32] and not heard.
[00:58:33] So, you know, of course we're gonna, we weren't even seen either.
[00:58:37] You know, I feel like my parents missed out on me growing up, but I watched them grow and
[00:58:44] do whatever they did.
[00:58:45] But they don't, they don't remember.
[00:58:47] They don't recall.
[00:58:48] They weren't present in that, you know?
[00:58:50] And so I understand that invisibility.
[00:58:52] I also understand the scarcity and feeling abandoned and that there was no attention for
[00:58:58] you.
[00:58:59] And there wasn't any words of affirmation and tough love.
[00:59:03] Like, I've been trying to dismantle that in myself because, you know, my mom will say,
[00:59:08] like, it's tough love.
[00:59:08] And I'm like, it's also like abusive.
[00:59:11] It's abusive, you know?
[00:59:13] Like, I don't want to always be strong and tough.
[00:59:17] Like, I want to also dive into the space of the emotional body to have time to sit in
[00:59:25] its shadow self and give permission to that space.
[00:59:29] Again, light can't experience itself as light because it just is.
[00:59:34] And we need to open that so the light can go into our shadow selves.
[00:59:39] There's nothing wrong with sitting with the shadow for a while and just letting it exist.
[00:59:43] It's okay.
[00:59:44] Yeah, it's okay to not be okay.
[00:59:46] Yeah.
[00:59:46] That's where we were for a spell.
[00:59:48] You have to feel that.
[00:59:48] Absolutely.
[00:59:49] And I definitely think, and this just came to me like an epiphany, but I think depression
[00:59:55] is the decompression of your younger self.
[00:59:59] Absolutely.
[01:00:00] I love that.
[01:00:01] Say that one more again.
[01:00:03] Depression is the decompression of your younger self.
[01:00:07] Oh, God.
[01:00:09] It's happening.
[01:00:14] I love what you just said there.
[01:00:17] Giving honor to your younger selves.
[01:00:20] We get to do that.
[01:00:22] And I think a lot of times that we don't do, again, what I say is the speed down and slow
[01:00:28] up and just sit with that younger portion of ourselves, even if that younger portion is from
[01:00:33] a week ago.
[01:00:34] Young doesn't have to be a child.
[01:00:36] It could be a person that was feeling triggered from that space that had a moment where they
[01:00:44] just needed some compassion.
[01:00:46] And so we get to do that and revisit that.
[01:00:47] Yeah.
[01:00:48] And I know that y'all have been assisting me in that space with just like, be kind to
[01:00:54] yourself.
[01:00:54] Give yourself some space.
[01:00:55] Give yourself some time.
[01:00:57] There's nothing wrong with that.
[01:00:58] And it's like, I hear the same language coming from all three of us and how we love our younger
[01:01:04] selves and how we embrace just understanding that like we are choosing ourselves every day and it's
[01:01:12] continuing to align with who we are now.
[01:01:14] And that's the most like brilliant thing.
[01:01:17] And so just to give some honor again, thank you all for coming in.
[01:01:22] Thank you.
[01:01:23] Sitting with me because we did this shit.
[01:01:26] We did this shit.
[01:01:27] And I think that we're going to just end up having to make like a little series out of this.
[01:01:31] You know?
[01:01:32] That would be dope.
[01:01:32] I think so.
[01:01:33] I would love that.
[01:01:34] So you're going to see more coming from us, y'all.
[01:01:37] You will indeed coming on the mics, you know.
[01:01:41] But again, this isn't here.
[01:01:43] Like my purpose being here is not to sit in this toxic spirituality and say, I'm here to
[01:01:49] encourage you.
[01:01:50] If this story resonates and what our existence is resonates, amazing.
[01:01:56] If it's not something that's benefiting you, then obviously you don't have to listen for this
[01:02:00] entire hour that you were here being curious about the story.
[01:02:03] But apparently something clicked.
[01:02:06] But again, not here to encourage in that way.
[01:02:09] I'm just here to tell a story, listen to a story.
[01:02:12] And with that being said, y'all be kind to yourselves and continue creating earnestly
[01:02:17] in love.
[01:02:19] See y'all soon.
[01:02:20] This is Sarah Hubbard, host of You and Me Kid, a podcast about starting and raising a
[01:02:25] family on your own.
[01:02:26] We just launched season two and I'm speaking with single moms, those still considering
[01:02:30] and experts in relevant fields to give you a real sense of what the day-to-day experience
[01:02:35] of solo parenting looks and feels like.
[01:02:37] Plus, this season I've partnered with California Cryobank, the number one sperm bank in the
[01:02:42] U.S.
[01:02:42] So wherever you are in the process, this podcast provides some support, humor, and helpful
[01:02:47] information.
[01:02:48] Listen to You and Me Kid wherever you get your podcasts.
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