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[00:00:04] Ooh, wee!
[00:00:06] I y'all, I'm Dani Baby, Living Vicariously Through Myself.
[00:00:30] Oh, it's a good idea to do this.
[00:00:32] Yeah, I know.
[00:00:34] It's the trickiness of it is scooting into the seat.
[00:00:36] It's good Ian!
[00:00:38] I don't want to move it too much.
[00:00:40] Sorry about like this.
[00:00:42] It's so weird.
[00:00:44] Okay.
[00:00:46] We're so cool.
[00:00:48] There's little hooks on here.
[00:00:50] And it's always falling out.
[00:00:54] Okay, it's good.
[00:00:56] Okay.
[00:00:58] Oh!
[00:01:00] And you're ready?
[00:01:02] Yeah, I'm ready.
[00:01:04] I'm ready.
[00:01:06] I'm ready.
[00:01:08] I'm ready.
[00:01:10] I'm ready.
[00:01:12] I'm ready.
[00:01:14] Yeah!
[00:01:16] And you're ready.
[00:01:18] Okay.
[00:01:20] Yeah, yeah.
[00:01:22] Hey y'all, it's me Dani Baby.
[00:01:24] Always going to hit that question.
[00:01:26] How is your spirit today?
[00:01:28] Do a little check-in.
[00:01:30] You know, just answer that in your head.
[00:01:32] Feel it.
[00:01:36] Yeah, just a minute.
[00:01:38] Sometimes we just have to take that second.
[00:01:40] We're always asking people like, how are you with that question?
[00:01:42] Just for the statement of good, you?
[00:01:44] It's okay to be honest here and say, you know what?
[00:01:46] I feel a little troubled.
[00:01:48] And we're just going to be in those waters for a bit.
[00:01:50] And that's all right.
[00:01:52] So today, I'm here with a really good friend of mine who's also my producer.
[00:01:58] Who also helped me is helping me on a big humongous project in plumbing land.
[00:02:04] And I'm learning too.
[00:02:06] We just keep learning from each other.
[00:02:08] I don't know what he's been if it's been a long time ago.
[00:02:10] I'm not sure if he's been here.
[00:02:12] I'm not sure if he's been here.
[00:02:14] I don't know what he's been if it's been for me, but...
[00:02:16] Oh, there we go.
[00:02:18] Shoo!
[00:02:20] Barter the vibe.
[00:02:22] So, basically, I just wanted to come in, introduce Dominic, if you will.
[00:02:28] Hello everybody.
[00:02:30] I'm Dom.
[00:02:32] And really want to talk today about relationships.
[00:02:36] Whether it's with ourselves or with others.
[00:02:38] And always tuning back into ourselves because that shifts.
[00:02:42] It can shift so rapidly sometimes.
[00:02:44] And we had a lot of representation growing up.
[00:02:48] As well as, like, kind of moving through the spaces in our lives.
[00:02:52] And what makes sense for us.
[00:02:54] So I'm going to go ahead and jump into it.
[00:02:56] And we're going to talk a little bit about how I identify
[00:03:00] and how Dom identifies with polyamory.
[00:03:02] And so I'm going to hit you with that first.
[00:03:04] How does that register for you?
[00:03:06] Is that something that makes sense or that you're questioning
[00:03:10] or maybe you're diving into?
[00:03:12] I'd love to know.
[00:03:14] Yeah, no, absolutely.
[00:03:16] I've sort of traditionally thought of myself and have lived out a primarily, like,
[00:03:20] monogamous lifestyle up into, like, the last five or six years, right?
[00:03:24] So I was always like, I'd find the partner and then I'd commit to the one person
[00:03:28] and then for better or worse.
[00:03:30] And yeah, over just meeting a whole bunch of different people
[00:03:34] and different energies and getting more experience outside, basically.
[00:03:38] Yeah, it's open to you guys a lot of like-
[00:03:40] Just being out there.
[00:03:42] Yeah, like I can get different types of love
[00:03:44] and different types of interactions
[00:03:46] from different types of partners.
[00:03:48] So like, polyamory makes sense to me now.
[00:03:50] How do you look at that?
[00:03:52] Yes, so that's where I'm at on it.
[00:03:54] What did you witness with your parental upbringing?
[00:03:57] Or your caretakers?
[00:03:59] Sure. We were kind of in the minority.
[00:04:01] I had parents that stuck together.
[00:04:03] I say we because I've got two siblings.
[00:04:05] Okay.
[00:04:07] And all of us are super close and age, so we're kind of going through like the same sort of experience.
[00:04:11] Obviously, little differences here and there.
[00:04:13] I'm the oldest one as well.
[00:04:15] So I'm kind of like the practice child.
[00:04:17] Yeah, absolutely.
[00:04:19] Yeah, they have to get learning how to raise a tiny person,
[00:04:23] like, started.
[00:04:25] I look at it cool.
[00:04:27] They're raising them technically too.
[00:04:29] Literally.
[00:04:31] Yeah, and to know that there were only like a few years older than I am now.
[00:04:33] Right.
[00:04:35] And it's starting and it's like, oh man, that's a huge like daunting thing that's out there.
[00:04:39] But the example that they set was like staying together forever.
[00:04:43] Like they're going on a 43rd or 44th wedding anniversary soon.
[00:04:47] Like September's their anniversary and just like wow.
[00:04:51] They set like the classic, like I guess example of like here's mom.
[00:04:55] Here's dad.
[00:04:57] Here's the nuclear family and we're going to be in this house and it's us against the world type things.
[00:05:01] But it did feel like in the minority for like a lot of other of my friends relationships with their parents and everything like that.
[00:05:09] Because it seems like everybody's parents split up.
[00:05:11] Like high school that was like you're waiting for this forever to drop or the shoe to drop to be like hey yeah my parents broke up.
[00:05:19] We automatically know what to do and we'd be like all right here come cope with us.
[00:05:23] Let's go hang out.
[00:05:25] Totally just like disengaging.
[00:05:27] We have one laks parent and one like strict parent.
[00:05:29] We're going to go to their house.
[00:05:31] We're probably going to get like two Christmas.
[00:05:33] Yeah, I'm going to be sick.
[00:05:35] And no yeah, from what I've heard from them they would have much rather had like just one cohesive home.
[00:05:41] And it's like I feel super blessed to have that experience growing up.
[00:05:45] I love that you know, I was in a similar situation.
[00:05:49] My parents stayed together for about 40 years but us children and I have kind of a different I'm the oldest of four.
[00:05:58] And then I have a brother that's three years younger and then a sister 12 years younger and then a sister 18 years younger so I got like the young parents
[00:06:07] and then my sisters got the old parents.
[00:06:09] Yeah, so that changed everything you know because I was the test kid I was always troubled and I was queer and they didn't believe in that.
[00:06:17] And now because of their like gosh their moral compass that didn't fit me as I was growing up.
[00:06:27] And I remember being like why can't you guys get divorced?
[00:06:33] I didn't want my parents to be together.
[00:06:36] I hated it.
[00:06:38] And there was always like envy from my other friends you know because we were in a cult and so we were always catering to like broken families right because that's the mission.
[00:06:48] And so then when you have this dynamic of kids and people hanging out with us and we have this nuclear family setup but the anguish behind the scenes I would have much rather been like them.
[00:07:01] You know so it was just a wild experience and my parents wouldn't let me hang out with friends that had divorced parents.
[00:07:10] Interesting.
[00:07:11] Yeah because that wasn't promoting that was like a sin because I shouldn't exist in you know in that realm.
[00:07:17] So I witnessed my parents being very like it was for better or worse but better never existed.
[00:07:24] Worse was always the instance and it really destroyed how I viewed monogamy but not in the sense of not in the sense of like a sexual thing like okay they're only together.
[00:07:39] I just never saw them have emotional support outside of themselves so they like emotionally like were debilitating to each other.
[00:07:51] So that shit was so difficult and they couldn't reason with each other so then they both just shut down and then before we knew it they weren't raising us we were their therapist that they were telling everything to so my dad would come to me and be like yeah
[00:08:07] and then my mom would and you know I just seen so many different instances with that and so I didn't know at the time that was monogamy right it was just like a union before God is what it was to me.
[00:08:20] Yeah.
[00:08:21] And then getting older I just remember being like I have emotional support elsewhere but like if I bring in partners into my realm I was doing that thing that was mimicking what I saw with my parents.
[00:08:36] And emotionally burdening my partner and then I would go to other people in the community and I'd emotionally support them.
[00:08:45] Okay, yeah you want to go be the hand for them because you're like okay I have to do something.
[00:08:51] Yeah and so I just didn't have a good outlet and then you know entering relationships which maybe you've experienced which I have heard one of your new songs and y'all better check it out.
[00:09:01] Okay it's coming out in September right September.
[00:09:05] I'm on got it yeah.
[00:09:07] And you were talking about energy vampires and sometimes that just exists in our relationships because we're still navigating right like you were just saying how you saw your parents in this light of 40 years and your siblings are all witnessing that but it's not really cohesive to who you are now.
[00:09:30] No it's really not and I found out that like they had something kind of like different and special I think because I go out with that like oh there's a great word for it.
[00:09:42] It's a universal love or like a love and going like with full trust into things you know and so I'd walk into these monogamous relationships almost super naive.
[00:09:53] And it's like okay that's what they do for each other.
[00:09:58] Yeah.
[00:09:59] Like love and support and whatever you need you drop it and you go help your partner and everything like that and I was putting so much of that out but I wouldn't receive it back.
[00:10:07] And it was like why isn't this working?
[00:10:10] Why did like like I'm not getting the same reciprocation of like I don't know honor and trust is what it felt like exactly.
[00:10:17] Yeah and respect and we're just general respect right literally and then so I started searching for like different like I guess mirrors right where all mirrors of each other.
[00:10:27] So I must be handsome some looking at you.
[00:10:31] We find.
[00:10:34] So I go out looking and searching for like the perfect relationship and I want to go like find my forever person and they just weren't consistently there.
[00:10:43] Like in one case I had fallen out of love after like five or six years and this one relationship and I think about that one still today like should we have gotten married could I have a family now could it be this or that or this or that yeah.
[00:10:55] And in a parallel maybe that existed because that thought was there right and I just but I'm so thankful that I was able to keep trying and tasting and like and finding really what like I want out of everything.
[00:11:09] Because that made the biggest difference right figuring out it's not this cookie cutter and it's like not just the one thing that you see when you're growing up and it's like okay that's what I was shown that's what I've like no which was beautiful and.
[00:11:22] Yeah exactly and it's just it doesn't fit the archetype of like the person I am you know where it's like I like to taste and I like to be over here and then over there and then over here and it's like.
[00:11:33] Figure out that you can play with the dynamic of like I guess your interpersonal relationship with someone right and like without being like the type of person that wants to get like very Scorpio like.
[00:11:45] I'm like.
[00:11:48] But understanding when I'm starting to get like a burden in the relationship when I'm like when I'm getting too pressed upon or when my boundaries are constantly getting crossed and stuff like that and it took me a long time to recognize that was happening in those relationships.
[00:12:02] And I'd be just so bummed at the end of the day like the energy vamp is like this one partner I had just I'm head over heels and I'm like this is the one this is what love must feel like.
[00:12:14] And I'm exhausted at the end of the day and I'm ready to fight and I'm just anxious and like it just left me in such a lower place vibrationally that I'm like what am I even doing here like it can't be that good.
[00:12:27] You know it's like I love supporting this person I like I like feeling like they need me and I want to tell myself I need them but at the end of the day we really did not need each other.
[00:12:37] And we're just kind of using each other to like bounce those things that we never had worked out we're like younger right and so you were like in this relationship and then all the Sunday just were a placeholder literally it became an obligation yeah I want to be actively and low with you every day I don't want to feel like I have to.
[00:12:56] Exactly you are also shown if it's okay if I talk about the dynamic that I've just seen from the outside is like your parents also work together yeah.
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[00:15:21] So you have a different communication you got the workforce you've got the family for us you've got.
[00:15:27] You know wherever they met in there like as you met them in your mind's eye like where they were after they had you and like contrast like those are my parents but there was a whole process to get there yeah and then they work together and it's like you know there's so many spaces that I've been like I've seen parents that work together and it's the worst thing.
[00:15:46] But it seems like it works really well for your family and that there's a lot of level of respect there which I absolutely appreciate seeing because I've talked to your mom on the phone I've hung out with your pops you know.
[00:15:59] Absolutely.
[00:16:00] I think that's really cool that you got to witness that but also taking that into you know like that grass maybe green because they're watering it and my grass over here I just stop tending to it because like
[00:16:14] it wasn't making sense anymore.
[00:16:16] Yeah.
[00:16:17] It wasn't something that I wanted to water so then you go back over and you're like okay maybe I'll find this again but then you just get to like I guess like make it your own obviously
[00:16:27] and so in the relationship that I've seen like the dynamic you know with your family in you but also like who you are in the music community,
[00:16:35] who you are to the people around you.
[00:16:38] There's so much emotional beautiful bonding that at the end of the day like you can probably go into a relationship space with someone and I don't want to assume this you tell me if it's wrong but you can go in and be like okay there's spoons here now because I was being given back to
[00:16:56] from emotional support over here that I wasn't like feeling burdened or burdened in you with it because again typically when we meet our partners whether they are our person or not there's still the person for the time.
[00:17:10] Right.
[00:17:11] You know and sometimes we repeat things I heard well sometimes God damn I have fucking ADHD and autism so pattern pattern pattern.
[00:17:21] And I saw this beautiful thing I don't even know who the creator is but it's like a thing on TikTok right now and it says that they're not your type they're your pattern.
[00:17:32] Ooh I like that you know and so yeah I was like okay this makes so much sense because I have been repeating or I have been in a pattern for a while.
[00:17:43] Yeah and I thought no like this person's different this person's different but it's my pattern and how I show up in relationships and so I will choose people like that in order to show up in my pattern.
[00:17:57] Oh yeah.
[00:17:58] It's so happening annoying but with you know being able to have emotional support from community in places that aren't hypersexual or anything like that there's this emotional space where we can indeed engage and support each other on that emotional plane.
[00:18:17] And then I can go to the lover of I don't want to say it sounds so bad I was like the lover of my choosing but we ultimately can.
[00:18:26] We ultimately choose that right and so there's just a different.
[00:18:31] You love the one you're with, if you can't be with the one you love baby come on now.
[00:18:36] That's right by the hippie.
[00:18:38] You were I think it I've seen it.
[00:18:41] Yeah they're straight up hippies.
[00:18:42] It's so beautiful because they're like I think that the way that your family moves is almost like this beautiful like not just family but community and family.
[00:18:54] You know so like you're all supporting each other you're rooting for each other you were helping your brother you know.
[00:19:00] You're working in the family business and then they're supporting what you're doing here and it's just like I see it just flowing very beautifully like me now I'm like dang it would have been really cool to have something like that and instead of saying like would have been cool I'm like it's so cool to witness that now.
[00:19:17] Oh thank you.
[00:19:19] Yeah so thanks for being an example or letting maybe you don't even know that I'm observing that but I just love it because.
[00:19:24] Oh yeah I'm just living it you know.
[00:19:27] But your energy every time is just like I can tell that well again I don't I need to stop saying it like that.
[00:19:35] I really enjoy witnessing just you and your jovial energy because I know that you make yourself your own primary partner.
[00:19:42] Oh yeah.
[00:19:43] And there's faces that you communicate that with me and you'll just be like I don't I didn't have any spoons so I didn't answer the phone I didn't have anything to get.
[00:19:51] But I love that boldness to speak to that because you're like I'm taking care of myself and for a long time in relationships especially the monogamous relationships we make that person our everything in such a top priority that it's something that we rarely tend to is ourselves.
[00:20:09] Oh yeah.
[00:20:10] And I really feel like our age group and everything we're doing that so when we look at our parents at this age of like 40s and we're like oh my god you had like three kids already and you had all the shit going on and I.
[00:20:21] Some cows and two cars and like what like how what's.
[00:20:24] And it's not even like something that I desire or is fathomable but it's also like wild that like my mom was basically at my age pregnant with my baby sister.
[00:20:36] Yeah.
[00:20:37] And I'm like I can't trip isn't it.
[00:20:40] I'm like I'm like it's just a phenomenal way of looking at like how that has shifted and that they made decisions based on the lack of choices.
[00:20:52] Yeah because monogamy was so controlling especially in the small town and in cult life yeah that there would be illusion of choice was there but they still did things based in a space that was like not really giving an option.
[00:21:06] Whereas now we have option and we get to say no to things we get to say yes to things right.
[00:21:12] And I almost sense like jealousy from my parents sometimes it'll be like must be nice and I'm like no yeah it is that I don't have to like pack up all the kids and you know go over here you know like I live differently and sometimes I sense like that yeah just like that envy from my parents.
[00:21:30] No yeah totally I think that's super rings true for me as well like it's interesting you say you do it out of necessity right.
[00:21:37] And it's that's kind of how it was.
[00:21:40] Yeah so it's like you had to do the job because he had to get money and then you have to I don't want to say have to have kids but the expectation was to start popping out kids as soon as you're married.
[00:21:51] And yeah I think they really kind of stuck to that but it did make us like a force to be reckoned with which is interesting because it made it like you said a community it's like us against the world.
[00:22:02] We bring all of our problems to each other which is kind of has its ups and downs right I'm super like transparent with my parents but it's taken a long time to be able to trust them to like not receive your changes.
[00:22:17] Yeah exactly exactly where it's like well I know you're going to love me no matter what but I need you to like like me.
[00:22:24] And your parents don't have to like you which is fucked up which they really let me know that for.
[00:22:30] I love that statement sometimes yeah where it's like yeah I love it my dad's like you're kind of being a dick right now you need to take a walk.
[00:22:38] Yeah you got it man my back.
[00:22:40] I don't have a problem telling my parents that you know totally it's a and we're in that in that space now where like.
[00:22:47] Parents had access to us because we had no option back in the day we had no choice right and now we really can if we need to take a moment take a space and I don't really have a relationship with my mother and that's okay.
[00:23:01] I you know there's a lot of healing there but when it comes to my father and this guy he's always wanted to show his love and support but because he was in this monogamous relationship.
[00:23:18] It had him choose his wife's bitterness over his children's love and that was also like so painful because I'm just like dad why can't you call me and wish me happy birthday you know there were times like this is going to sound so weird but I felt like my dad's like.
[00:23:39] Secret if you will you know like he would because my mom put a stop to me communicating with the family for 10 years so my dad would call me from like co workers phones and stuff out of beer.
[00:23:52] Yeah he's like I just want to hear your voice and I remember my dad crying with me and I'm like but you're like when are you going to take action right you know and I under.
[00:24:03] Yeah and to this day he will still like apologize for that and I have a very big respect for like what he chose to do but I also have a grief in what he missed out on and what I missed out on.
[00:24:19] And then I look at him like am I really missing anything or are we growing here and watching each other evolve where sometimes he's the parent and sometimes I'm the parent.
[00:24:28] Yeah you know and so there's like this really beautiful emotional support there now and it's not trauma bonding I'm really careful about trauma bonding with my dad because like I know my mom had her things but I don't let my parents talk about each other to me.
[00:24:44] I refuse that's not like therapy is a thing or like there's a mirror or like I don't know but I'm not the one and I think creating that boundary was the healthiest thing for me because.
[00:24:56] It allowed me to understand that monogamy in that way didn't work for me because I didn't feel that like loves should keep love from their children you know what I mean and so I really struggled with that space for a long time but I fully understand
[00:25:16] because that's what they were taught my dad grew up with parents that were alcoholics and horrible humans and they stayed together and it was still like this thing to like chase and be like proud of and I'm like they were horrible humans you know.
[00:25:30] And then on my mom's side my grandfather like I grew up watching my grandpa beat my grandma and so like I saw it from that vernacular to where like why don't you leave and it's like you don't leave.
[00:25:45] It's not an option you know.
[00:25:48] No yeah like in their times what would you do where would you go right and what would you do exactly or if like in that monogamous relationship then my grandpa controlled all the finances even if my grandma worked too.
[00:26:01] And so that was a restraint.
[00:26:04] And so just the dynamic of all of that witnessing all of that witnessing in cult life you know people that were like asking for forgiveness for their sins for cheating on our spouse publicly I'm just like what the hell you know it just was like I don't want to be on that shame.
[00:26:22] No stand yeah like we're human and we don't like nobody really has the answers when it comes for other people we may have the answers for ourselves right.
[00:26:33] And so tuning into myself I just absolutely know for me that polyamory makes the most sense I'm solo poly so out of responsibility to my energetic field of like sexuality I only like exploring sex with one person at a time.
[00:26:52] If there's a connection made that hasn't happened to me yet however very open about it if that exists but typically it's more of an emotional bond that I experience with other people because in my demisexuality yes I'm very like I have to be very in tune with the person before that thought can even go anywhere right yeah.
[00:27:14] And just out of safety for you know there's just things in the world and energy when you are exchanging it and all of that but I just I choose to have a little bit more of an in tune with my sexual partner versus in the emotional realm I'm able to be supported and feel supported.
[00:27:34] And I actually am supported and then I get to take that home you know and I don't feel depleted and I still have spoons.
[00:27:42] Yeah yeah if he's you energy instead of taking energy from you are you currently or have you dabbled in that art what's that like for you.
[00:27:52] Yeah in my polyamorous life. I love this. I know you show my polyamorous life.
[00:27:59] I've been very much like a nesting partner type person so I find like one person that like yeah I get comfortable with and I have like that main core emotional support from.
[00:28:10] And then we go and play together and we go find partners and we go bring things in basically but if like if the home base isn't like right or if there we can tell something's off with us we sit down and work on that first.
[00:28:21] I love that. So it's like that's been my experience.
[00:28:24] And then I'm like an anti jealous type person like.
[00:28:29] I'm too lazy for it exactly just doesn't make sense to me I'm like if you're going to what are we going to go do you're going to go do you say yeah like let me know I guess I love to hear stories.
[00:28:38] I hear that.
[00:28:41] Yeah because I make me weird that I like it.
[00:28:43] No I'm so vicarious through all of their experiences.
[00:28:46] What was that like tell me what they did?
[00:28:48] What did that like do you want me to try that like what can we do?
[00:28:51] Yeah so it's like yeah it's just it's all play at this point.
[00:28:55] It's turned a relationship into a form of play for me.
[00:28:58] I love that.
[00:28:59] Yeah so I can like interact with it on a super like I guess higher level or like yeah I don't know yeah.
[00:29:04] It's like you've never lost the wonder like as children we should have more wonder and intrigues with things.
[00:29:10] I get a re-discovering things that are like fun about myself and then fun about all these other new people like it.
[00:29:15] I mean from the beginning of like relationships where I had no idea what I was doing.
[00:29:20] At all and then I'm like I kind of think I'm figuring it out and then I was like
[00:29:25] dabbling in these ways and dabbling in that but like I didn't know that I'd be comfortable with the stuff that I'm comfortable with now or that I would fully embrace
[00:29:33] but what I witnessed then is what I was trying to stick to and then all of a sudden I was like no I need to have experienced some fun.
[00:29:41] Like there should be some fun in this you know.
[00:29:44] Moving into that space I was like okay I feel safe here let's try this you know.
[00:29:49] Yeah this is for you you're my person at the time that I'm willing to try this with I feel safe with because I feel safe with myself.
[00:29:56] You respect me yeah but once that disrespect starts hitting yeah no and you can change in it like yeah the energy can change in a moment.
[00:30:05] It's just a thing and so it's also away from you to navigate to like in the polyamory of like these energetic partners or these emotional partners have so much respect for me.
[00:30:17] That if I go home and that level isn't even like and I have like a partner at home that's like well I'm primary but then they're secondary you know.
[00:30:26] And yeah and there they're and it's across the board the respect isn't there.
[00:30:31] Yeah I can't you're not even there.
[00:30:34] I can't do it again so in my damn sexuality then that comes out and I'm like completely turned off.
[00:30:39] You know I don't want to really embrace that space anymore and I'm it's really odd to me sometimes how quickly I can shift that too.
[00:30:47] Like before.
[00:30:49] It could be one thing it could be a single trigger and then it's like okay this no longer does it for me.
[00:30:53] Exactly and back in the and that's also a little bit of an intuition thing too because I
[00:31:00] a lot of times would abandon my intuition to forcibly make something happen because I had committed myself to this bond with the idea.
[00:31:09] Yeah exactly.
[00:31:10] We're going to go this way.
[00:31:11] Yeah and so I've done that to myself and I think being able to like navigate relationships the way that I have no matter how good or bad at the time I really understand
[00:31:28] at the end of it all that like the routines and the habits and the patterns I kept doing.
[00:31:38] Yeah.
[00:31:39] I had to learn a few times just so that I could navigate my own self better and tune back into my intuition.
[00:31:47] And so on on the biggest things is if someone's pulling me away from my intuition.
[00:31:51] Yeah.
[00:31:52] Like if I could tell somebody like you scare me like I'm in an instance right now where there's just some very tender people in a community and I'm.
[00:32:01] They're just being so kind and I'm struggling with that because my body chemistry got used to feeling love is like weaponizing against me almost you know.
[00:32:13] Yeah.
[00:32:14] That when people are almost like it feels like it's overly kind that I really struggle with that so like being with somebody for no matter how long a space of time it can be your body chemistry sometimes can indeed change because you are in your hyper vigilance or your hypo vigilance, you know there's not a window of tolerance that you're aware of to be in.
[00:32:39] And so then when you start moving into these gentle spaces or these compassionate places you're like it feels uncomfortable right.
[00:32:47] Right.
[00:32:48] Why does what I wish for feel uncomfortable felt this but are having sat in this long enough to feel comfortable exactly and so I have to even let people know like I love what you're saying I just need a minute to sit with it because I'm being triggered.
[00:33:02] It's not anything you're doing negatively.
[00:33:04] I just need a moment and being able to have those kind of community or those kind of relationships in the community has literally changed the game for how dependent I am on a partnership.
[00:33:17] Yeah.
[00:33:18] And I'm more about like healing with and through having my community with me teaching me about myself because in reality we are if we're all reflections of each other then we are so many different versions of ourselves then.
[00:33:33] Yeah.
[00:33:34] You know, and back in the day it was like this is just who you are it's just that and it's like I'm absolutely evolving.
[00:33:40] You know, I'm absolutely going to continue becoming very different versions of myself.
[00:33:47] Yeah.
[00:33:48] And there are versions that a partner isn't going to be able to go with me any longer so for that time it served that.
[00:33:57] That's you'll have to walk alone and then yeah maybe they can come back around if it's yeah.
[00:34:02] So that's like my little spiel on it I just feel I don't know why that has to be the word but that's just like my take at the moment and again this could all change I could be like no I'm absolutely monogamous.
[00:34:14] You know, because I can't explore it you know.
[00:34:17] No yeah.
[00:34:18] But then again I think these identifiers are these things like it's so we've we've become some I think like scared of not having labels.
[00:34:29] And I'm not trying to dismiss or like diminish how people feel about labels.
[00:34:35] I'm just saying for myself personally I don't learn as much when there's like so many damn labels because then I'm like you know so I was telling somebody that I'm solo poly this and solo poly that and this is why they're like I just think that's relationships.
[00:34:49] You know, it's so simple to them and I'm like but I've been in relationships that held so much jealousy sure that I had to put a term to it so that they could understand.
[00:34:58] Like this is the space I am you know and jealousy would still exist and as me and my friends say send them flowers because it's a disease get well soon.
[00:35:08] There you go.
[00:35:09] I like that.
[00:35:10] And then flowers and they jealous.
[00:35:13] But yeah so that's just I think kind of like as I'm coming out I have been on coupling for about six months and this was the longest session of un coupleing for me.
[00:35:26] And I've usually been able to like you know move away from it pretty quickly or just like no contact for a while and then maybe try to reintroduce it as friends and this one was just really brutal for me.
[00:35:39] And I have no ill wishes towards the person that I was with but the person that I became because of that relationship is not someone who could stay in the relationship and how it started.
[00:35:54] It did not work for me.
[00:35:56] And I didn't want to be jaded walking away from it and there were just so many instances that we'd talk so openly about something but snide little remarks of jealousy would come out.
[00:36:07] And so then I couldn't even have my friends anymore and I was like right.
[00:36:12] Oh my God, like why am I you know and then I was pulling away from my intuition and I was like I knew that I was I knew this was happening but I had to learn there.
[00:36:21] I had to learn how to communicate with myself and it wasn't there was another person on some social media I was looking at.
[00:36:29] And she was like it's not we always look at things that like procrastination at times like I was procrastinating leaving this relationship but it was more my spirit prompting me to learn and observe in this space so that I wouldn't hit that you know pattern and you know so I saw my patterns
[00:36:48] and in my patterns I was doing the things that were embedded in me from this monogamous space that was so unhealthy for who I am now.
[00:36:58] And I had to change that and again make myself primary and hey I'm Jamie and I'm just you know and we're the hosts of Justa you know a podcast where we get to the bottom of suspicious stories
[00:37:11] and outright lies were being told by companies that profit off of animals.
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[00:37:20] First he ruined Twitter now he's coming for your actual brain.
[00:37:23] We've also got one about that time I stormed the runway at New York Fashion Week to protest coaches leather handbags.
[00:37:29] Yeah I heard they weren't happy about that. I couldn't tell you they're not talking to me at the moment.
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[00:38:41] Hey I'm Jamie and I'm just you know and we're the hosts of just so you know a podcast where we get to the bottom of suspicious stories and outright lies were being told by companies that profit off of animals.
[00:38:51] You think he long muskish 80. We do your episode about his sinister brain experiments first he ruined Twitter now he's coming for your actual brain.
[00:38:59] We've also got one about that time I stormed the runway at New York Fashion Week to protest coaches leather handbags. Yeah I heard they weren't happy about that.
[00:39:06] I couldn't tell you they're not talking to me at the moment and we're just getting started in the coming weeks we're going to blow the lid off of everything from shady pet dealers to monkeys health hostage by coconut milk companies to the astonishing secret behind the no animals were harmed message you see at the end of movies.
[00:39:23] And so much more will hope you join us for the surprisingly fun journey full of strange characters secretive companies and a whole world of stuff they really don't want you to know.
[00:39:32] Subscribe to just so you know wherever you get your podcasts and look for a new episodes every Thursday just so you know is a peanut production.
[00:39:41] Yeah you know yeah that's right right now I mean like you're almost explaining for batom like the process I had to do to get out of like my most recent profound relationship.
[00:39:53] Like yeah that the exact same thing getting stuck in the ruts.
[00:39:56] I'll call it of the relationship and getting so comfortable and then becoming so dependent on this person right for like everything.
[00:40:04] And it's like if they had a bad day okay now my days bad and it's like that's where I had to start cutting the line and be like okay that's not all right.
[00:40:11] I can't like I can have sympathy but I can't have empathy you're like one of the other you know it's like like I can recognize and feel bad for your problems but I can't make them my own.
[00:40:21] Exactly that was the boundary.
[00:40:23] I love that.
[00:40:24] I really define because it was yeah it's a hard process like I'm usually a cut and run.
[00:40:29] Yeah.
[00:40:30] Yeah.
[00:40:31] Yeah.
[00:40:32] Yeah.
[00:40:33] Yeah.
[00:40:34] Yeah.
[00:40:35] Yeah.
[00:40:36] Yeah.
[00:40:37] I'm in a direction on it right.
[00:40:38] Exactly.
[00:40:39] And then I have to I have to disappear or else I'll keep sending I'm sorry to extend like you want to work it out.
[00:40:44] Yeah.
[00:40:45] I just I crave that closure of knowing like cool fuck you fuck you.
[00:40:49] Yeah I come out.
[00:40:50] It's like it's done.
[00:40:52] I've had the closure is really hard because I always was looking for like it to be like it's going to be great because I'm just going to like go along with that and then it would
[00:41:03] be a little bit more leaner and then all of a sudden it's like how did you end up in my bed again?
[00:41:07] Why?
[00:41:08] And we didn't even want this.
[00:41:10] We didn't but it's just like we got comfortable in the chaos of it.
[00:41:16] Yeah.
[00:41:17] So then when we get into our ease it almost feels antsy and it's again like that.
[00:41:21] Yeah.
[00:41:22] Place of procrastination that we should have like what happened.
[00:41:27] So what you were saying really quick before we closed this up is like how you were talking about like that you became so dependent on everything with them.
[00:41:36] Totally.
[00:41:37] And there's a thing that Brunei Brown did just to give honor where it's due to this human of brilliance is that or that she does with her partner that when they get home they check in with each other on their energy level you know one to 100.
[00:41:54] And so he'll be like okay where you at she's like I'm at 25 and he was like I'm not even going to lie I'm at a strict 20 and they know that they need to go to opposite sides of the house.
[00:42:04] And there's deep press.
[00:42:05] Yep.
[00:42:06] Like we can't.
[00:42:07] And then sometimes she's like okay I'm at a 10 and he's like okay I got you today I'm at a 90% like you just in strong you know but we weren't taught that kind of communication.
[00:42:19] You know we were taught to match our parent you know match our partner on it and be in the same headspace and agree with me.
[00:42:26] Right.
[00:42:27] And my parents are always in the same head space that double capricorns and it's their way or the highway.
[00:42:33] Yes I know that there will be there will be no stepping out of this conformist thought.
[00:42:39] It's like oh shit okay you mean I can't deal with my left hand no.
[00:42:43] I can't.
[00:42:44] Oh shit okay yeah no yes it's like not getting those skills early and then seeing people who compromise themselves in certain situations to make the partner happy.
[00:42:56] Right you learn all these traits and patterns where you're like man that did not serve either of us.
[00:43:00] No and then we figured out that we shouldn't be the source of someone's joy happiness or pain.
[00:43:11] We may indeed be a enhancer of those spaces but ultimately there's this thing that I know like I try really hard to not say things like you make me happy.
[00:43:25] Because it invokes this like I need to show up to make them happy versus like you enhance my joy.
[00:43:32] I just love being around you because you're around you yeah and I think that our word choices sometimes like play a lot into it.
[00:43:40] I remember when I was younger hence why I always say living by carries like through myself is my parents would do this thing to me like you make us proud or you make me.
[00:43:51] I'm so disappointed in you you know what I mean and some like oh I'm just going to live by carries like through my own damn self because I'm sick of when I make you proud versus when you are disgusted with me which is usually from the same exact source of energy that I'm even behaving from.
[00:44:07] Yeah you know so that's just you know that's my hardest face today I just love this is actually been like one of my favorite sit down.
[00:44:16] This is so brilliant just to hear you know and you're actually the first man that I've had.
[00:44:24] Oh yeah here we are we're learning and this human in his fluid ass energy you know take away anything that's like sexuality you just have some fluid ass energy.
[00:44:35] You are so vibrant but you are so aware at the same time and I just really appreciate being around you I can't wait to see what we build or what we deconstruct.
[00:44:46] You know we're going to take those stumbling stones turn them into building blocks.
[00:44:53] So thank you so much for one helping me produce this episode and being a guest at the same time.
[00:45:03] Thank you for having me on.
[00:45:04] Oh yeah and until next time y'all remember that I'm not here to encourage you I'm just here to like state the stories if it resonates great if it doesn't then wonderful do you pin pin and just remember to continue creating.
[00:45:22] Earnestly in love out there. Peace y'all later.
[00:45:52] You